by J. H. Croix
“What do I think? Just a jumble is what I think. But as much as I want to tell you not to talk to your mom, you’re right. She might know something or might know if someone else does. There’s the part where I want to know as much as I can about what happened, but as crazy as it is to believe I have a sister out there who’s been there all along, I have to try to find her. If your mom’s up for helping with that, it would be amazing. There’s so much emotion for me about it, I can’t even seem to start. I need someone else to help me jump-start this. I should have known you would,” Hannah said wryly and felt the tightness in her throat ease.
Susie reached over and squeezed Hannah’s hand quickly. “Don’t worry about crying. Now that I have your permission, I’m on it. I’ll call my mom tomorrow. She’d love to see you anyway. Why don’t I talk with her, and we can arrange to go over for coffee or something?”
“Sounds good. Just thinking about getting this ball rolling makes me nervous as hell, but I know it has to happen. For now, I need to eat. I can only think about this in small doses,” Hannah said. She picked up the menu and started flipping through it.
Susie followed suit, and their conversation shifted to lighter matters. Kate came with their drinks and took the rest of their order. Hannah asked Susie for an update on the state of some of the places where she might be able to snag a job related to her degree. She needed to know who was running what and if it looked like there might be any opportunities on the horizon. They both dug into their food when it arrived. Hannah had ordered the fresh halibut tacos and savored the succulent halibut. It was rare to find halibut anywhere in the East, and she’d forgotten how delicious it was. It was a gourmet version of flounder, less flaky, richer in flavor, and creamy in texture.
While they ate and sipped drinks, a few more acquaintances Hannah hadn’t seen yet came over with greetings. She weathered the questions about being home and realized she was settling in enough that people were no longer surprised to see her.
A few hours later, Hannah walked onto the deck in the soft, gray dusk. She let Jessie out and sat in one of the chairs on the deck for a few minutes while Jessie rolled in the grass and fruitlessly chased the magpies that chattered above her as they flew by. She looked to the bay and the mountains against a backdrop of faint pink and lavender, the last streaks of sunset. Goose bumps rose on her skin in the rapidly cooling air. She stood and called to Jessie who quickly came running.
The house was almost dark. She switched on a light and looked around the kitchen and living room. The space felt quiet and empty tonight. She felt a pang of grief. She imagined her father sitting in his favorite chair by the woodstove where he often read. She pictured her mother in the kitchen. These were only memories, but they had been built on true experiences that occurred time and time again. The imprint of her parents’ presence in her life was stronger than their absence.
She shook her head to break her train of thought. She hated that whenever she started to think of her parents now, her mind skipped to what she thought she knew about them and all she was learning she didn’t know. It wasn’t that she’d expected to know everything about them. She knew that there was likely much she didn’t know, that her parents, along with everyone, held parts of themselves deeply private. She just hadn’t expected to not know that she had a sister somewhere.
Another long look around the house before turning the lights off, and she walked upstairs. She got ready for bed and propped the pillows to read. She’d still been sleeping in her old bedroom. Just as she was about to flip the covers back, she grabbed her pillows and a book to carry into the master bedroom. Without giving herself time to ponder, she turned on the bedside lamp, situated the pillows on the master bed, climbed between the covers, and settled in to read. Jessie wandered in and sniffed around the room, eventually settling on the end of the bed. Jessie rested her head between her paws and sighed. Hannah looked around the room and went back to her book. As she slipped gradually into sleep later, Luke passed through her mind and she wondered when she might see him again.
“Hannah! It’s so nice to see you,” Faye exclaimed. Susie’s mother reached to hug Hannah and kept talking. “Susie told me you were home. I’ve been wondering how you were, but she keeps me up to date, you know. I figured with you finally home and planning to stay, I’d have plenty of time to see you.” Faye tucked her arm through Hannah’s and towed her into the house. Susie, who had arrived a few minutes before Hannah, followed them into the house. Hannah had spent many days and slumber party nights here throughout childhood. Susie’s childhood home felt almost like her own, familiar and comforting.
Susie had inherited much of her looks from her mother. Faye had passed on her wild curls to Susie. Faye’s brown curls were shot through with silver streaks now, but were just as unruly. She wore a loose ponytail, and curls escaped at random all about her head. Faye’s brown eyes held a gentle warmth. Faye was also known to be brash, albeit with a softer touch. Hannah felt a sense of relief to see her, mixed with sadness that her own mother wasn’t here to help her sort through the secrets she’d left behind.
Faye led her into the kitchen where Hannah and Susie sat at the familiar round table while Faye busied herself getting coffee for them and pulling fresh blueberry muffins out of the oven. They initially chatted about Hannah’s move back and how things were going, and Hannah got an update on Faye’s life post retirement.
“You work most of your life to retire comfortably, and then realize you’re bored as hell after the first few months of bliss at not having to get up and go to work. After the first year, I became the queen of volunteer work, along with doing substitute teaching here and there. Patrick keeps asking me why I bothered to retire. He said to tell you hello by the way. He’s up in Anchorage for the week at a conference for the hospital.”
Susie chimed in. “Yeah, I thought Mom was going to lose her mind for a bit there. She was so bored she sent me random chain e-mails all the time. I finally told her to stop after I got fed up.”
Hannah smiled as she watched Susie tease her mother for a few minutes. She sobered as Faye waded into more serious waters. “Hannah, I just have to say I can’t imagine what it was like for you to lose your mom and dad. Even worse that you were away when it happened. I remember your face the day of the funeral. You looked frozen inside. I wanted to help but didn’t know how. I’m relieved you finally came home. Susie’s missed you, along with me and half the town.”
“I appreciate that. It was hard, crazy hard. I’m relieved to be home. I miss my parents so much it’s hard to quantify, but it’s good to be here.”
Conversation paused as Faye brought coffee and muffins over to the table. Hannah and Susie quickly helped themselves to muffins while Faye filled coffee mugs for all three of them.
Faye finally sat down with a mug of coffee wrapped in her hands. She looked over at Hannah and brushed errant curls away from her eyes. “Well, there’s no easy way to start this, so I’m jumping in. Susie told me what you found in your mother’s papers. I know it was a shock. As for what I may have known, your mother only told me about a year before the crash about what happened. She was short on details though, so I’m not sure how much I can help on that. All she told me was the bare facts. She got pregnant, unplanned of course, when your father was home on break from graduate school. If I remember right, he was about a year into his doctorate. Before she had the baby, they decided to put her up for adoption. Your mom said they just weren’t ready for a baby. I’m not sure of the details, but part of the agreement allowed them to name the baby girl, who was named Emma.” Faye paused and looked over at Hannah.
Hannah looked across the table at two pairs of kind brown eyes. She didn’t know what to say just yet, so she nodded for Faye to continue.
“I don’t know much more. I know it was an excruciating decision for your mother to make. I never spoke to your father about it, but Janet spoke as though it were awful for him too. I think they felt stuck in a way it’s hard to imagine thes
e days. Pregnancy out of wedlock in that time was considered shameful. Try to imagine having a baby at seventeen—not easy for anyone. Your mother came to me about it because she was trying to figure out how to tell you. She was very worried about making sure you knew that you had a sister somewhere. I think that was another agony for her. They had agreed as part of the adoption process to never try to contact Emma. That was pretty standard back then. I think she wanted to have been able to contact Emma. Knowing your father, my guess is he would have wanted to as well. But you weren’t a part of any agreement, and your mother wanted you to know. I think she just hadn’t figured out how to do it. In a way, I think it went against her nature to have waited as long as they did to tell you.”
Susie looked from her mother to Hannah. “I hope you know she didn’t tell me what she knew,” she said, gesturing to her mother. “I’d have told you in a heartbeat.” She glanced back to her mother. “Not that I don’t understand why you didn’t say anything.” Susie turned back to Hannah. “She said your mother swore her to secrecy. Then your parents died and she didn’t know what to do with what she knew, and you were gone.”
Hannah sat quietly for a moment and took a sip of coffee. She set the mug down and hugged it with her hands, the warmth anchoring her. She addressed Susie first. “I’d have guessed your mom wouldn’t say anything to you. When it comes to telling me things, you’re not the best secret keeper.” She turned to Faye. “I’m glad to hear my mom wanted to tell me. I won’t lie, part of me is angry with them. But I tried to think about why they didn’t tell me, and I can sort of understand that it wasn’t easy. I just wish I knew what to do now…” Hannah trailed off.
Faye took a breath and spoke. “I think we try to find Emma. I only had a few conversations with your mother about it, but I got the impression that she hoped you’d want to find Emma, for your sake as much as theirs. Susie spoke to me about helping with Internet searches. I’m here to help however you’ll let me. In a way, I think of it as helping your mother finish something she wanted to start. You know me, though; you’d better hold me back if you need to because I’ve got time on my hands. I’ll jump on this if you let me.” Faye smiled and sat back in her chair.
Susie spoke up at that point. “You probably bargained on this, but you know I’ll jump on this too. Do you want us to just start charging ahead, or do you need more time?”
Hannah took in Susie and Faye, both with almost identical expressions of fierce determination and caring. She started to laugh before she spoke. “Only you two could make me laugh about this.”
She took a breath and sobered. “You both have my permission to do whatever you think will help find Emma. I don’t know where to start, and as you both know, I tend to be more cautious than the two of you. I don’t know that caution is what I need now.”
The rest of the morning passed quickly. Faye and Susie didn’t dwell on the details about starting the search for Emma. They seemed to sense that Hannah could only talk so much about it.
By the time Hannah left, she realized it was past noon. Despite the weight of her discovery and talking about trying to find Emma, she felt more comfortable in her skin than she had in years. She felt like she was settling in to being home again. Spending a few hours having coffee and muffins with Susie and her mother was such a familiar experience that she forgot she had taken it for granted the countless times it happened over the years. It had been over a month since she’d been home and her anxieties had faded.
Hannah walked into her house, distracted by thoughts about her conversation with Faye and Susie. Her train of thought was broken by Jessie who greeted her enthusiastically at the door. On a whim, she decided to take Jessie to the beach. The day was clear, sunny, and breezy. It brought back memories of flying kites with her father on the beach when she was younger. She’d loved to watch the kite dance in the sky. Her father would get it started and let her hold onto the kite once it was flying. She briefly wondered if she could find any of the old kites they’d used in the shed outside.
She spent the afternoon with Jessie at the beach. She collected rocks while Jessie spent the time sniffing like mad and playing fetch after she brought Hannah a found tennis ball to throw. The wind moved from a soft breeze to harder gusts and clouds rolled in quickly as the afternoon wore on. She lost track of how far they walked and cursed to herself when she realized she had a good half hour to walk to get back to the parking lot. By the time she got to her truck, rain was falling steadily with gusts of wind driving it. The warm morning and early afternoon had blown away with wind and rain.
The dropping temperature and driving rain left her wet and cold. She climbed into the truck, loaded a wet Jessie in beside her and started the drive home. She made it out of the parking lot and halfway down the dirt road to the highway when she felt a drag on her wheels. She initially ignored it and made it to the main road, only to feel it getting worse as she drove. Pulling over, she climbed out to find one of her tires flat; the culprit was a nail protruding from the tire. She called Susie and got her voice mail. She sighed and leaned her head against the headrest. Jessie nuzzled her hand on the gearshift. The rain was falling hard now, pounding against the roof of her truck. She heard a knock on the window and turned, surprised to see Luke’s face looming in the gray rain. He had a bright yellow rain jacket on with the hood pulled over his head. She rolled down the window.
“Hey, I was just about to call you in a bit, and then I saw your truck. What’s up?
She pointed to the flat tire on the driver’s rear side. “Hey to you too. Looks like I drove over a nail.”
Luke leaned down to look at the tire. “That would be it. I’d offer to change your tire for you, although I’m sure you could do it yourself. How about a ride? No fun to change a tire in this weather.”
“As long as it’s okay for Jessie to come along,” she said.
“Of course, can’t leave her here. Anything you need from the truck?” he asked.
“Just my purse. You think it’s okay to leave my truck here?” she asked as she looked over to see if she was pulled far enough off the road.
He glanced both ways on the road. “Maybe pull over there.” He gestured to the parking lot of an out-of-business gas station just ahead.
“Good idea. How about you follow me over there, then I’ll get Jessie over to your truck?”
He nodded and walked back to his truck. She quickly started the engine and drove slowly to the empty parking lot. She was soaked. There wasn’t much she could do about it, so she grabbed her purse and let Jessie out. Luke pulled up just beside her. He leaned over and opened the passenger door from the inside. He pulled the seat forward for Jessie to jump into the cab space behind the front seats. Hannah hopped in once the seat was back.
“Thanks for stopping,” Hannah said. She pushed her damp hair away from her face. “I’m soaked and so is Jessie. Your seat’s gonna get wet. Sorry about that.”
“Not much you can do about that. My truck has handled much worse. A little water won’t hurt it. In the few weeks I had Jessie, she was in here no matter how sandy and wet she was. Take you straight home?” he asked.
“If you don’t mind. I’m too wet to go anywhere else right now.”
He just put the truck in gear and started driving. The sky was slate gray and rain fell steadily. This wasn’t how she’d first wanted to see Luke after a few weeks, but there wasn’t much she could do about it. She was relieved he’d happened to be driving by.
On the drive home, he filled her in on how the fishing trip went and asked about what she’d been doing over the past few weeks. She wondered when and how to talk with Luke about what she’d discovered about her parents and her maybe sister. She wasn’t ready just yet though, and didn’t know when she would be. Instead she talked about working on the yard and house and starting to look into an actual job. She shivered in the damp, feeling cold and ragged.
He kept adjusting the temperature and defroster to keep the windows from fogging. As he p
ulled into her driveway, rain fell in sheets. He looked over at her, and she felt her stomach do a small somersault. She saw a spark of recognition flicker in his eyes and impulsively invited him to stay for dinner.
“You’ll have to put up with me drying off and changing first, though,” Hannah said. She looked over at Luke and unbuckled her seat belt. “No matter how many times this happens, I forget how fast the weather can change in Alaska.”
“It got bad fast,” Luke said. He turned his truck off and looked out the window. “The day tricked me. It was so beautiful this morning and now this.” Luke gestured toward the bay. “Not letting up anytime soon either. As for dinner, sounds good. I’m not up for more driving in this, and it’ll be me and my brothers scrounging anyway.”
“Okay, let’s get inside then.” They both raced for the house with Jessie on their heels. Once inside, Luke shook the rain from his hair.
“No sense in bothering to dry off here. I need to get out of these clothes. Let me get your jacket first, though,” Hannah said, taking his yellow rain jacket.
Rain dripped onto the tiled entry floor where she hung his jacket. The wind had picked up and was now steadily blowing straight toward the house off the bay. She glanced toward the bay, which was barely visible in the dark sky made grayer with blowing rain.
She headed straight for the laundry room and got a towel for Luke, as well as an old one to dry Jessie. Jessie stood patiently while Hannah toweled her off and then padded over to the dog bed in the kitchen. Luke rubbed his hair dry with the towel she’d handed him.
“There’s wine over there,” Hannah said, gesturing to the wine rack. “And beer in the fridge. Help yourself while I get changed. You can also turn on the TV if you want.”
Upstairs, she peeled her wet clothes off. Shivering, she quickly dried off with a towel. She rubbed her hair briskly and pulled on sweatpants and a soft blue fleece top, tugging on a pair of fuzzy socks at the last minute. She thought for a moment that she should put more into her appearance, but she was too cold to think much more about what to wear. Pausing in front of the mirror, she brushed her damp hair out and left it at that.