The only relief came just before official knocking-off time. I answered the phone to hear a familiar voice whisper: ‘Hi, boss, it’s me, Maggie. Is Nigel in?’ She wasn’t called Mad Maggie for nothing.
‘Yes,’ I stated, flatly.
‘Can he see you?’
‘No.’ Nigel had recently turned his desk round to catch the light from outside, which meant he now had his back to the windows of my little office.
‘Then dial him on the party-line number and keep listening.’
I did as I was told, and was rewarded by the trill of Nigel’s phone.
‘Heckley Police, DC Newley speaking, can I help you?’
The next voice was that of a downtrodden female. ‘I’d like to speak to a policeman,’ it whined.
‘Detective Constable Newley here, ma’am, how can I help you?’
‘It’s about my ’usband. He’s been done for stealing an occasional table and I want to know if he’ll go to jail.’
‘Your husband, ma’am? Well, to start with, do you know if he’s been charged with stealing anything else?’
‘Yes, he ‘as.’
‘Can you tell me what?’
‘’E stole an occasional car … and an occasional video … and an occasional …’
Nigel slammed the phone down. ‘Piss off!’ I heard through the glass. I replaced my receiver silently and buried my head in some paperwork. Maggie could be a heartless bitch when she wanted.
I left early, for once, and told Nigel not to hang about. I hadn’t made a great contribution to the cause of law and order today, but I had other things on my mind. Five years of broken fingernails, caused by endless rubbing down and polishing, had finally come to an end. All the difficulties of finding obscure spare parts had been overcome and now the whole thing was assembled and sitting in the garage waiting for me. Patience isn’t one of my foremost virtues, but I’d made great efforts not to spoil the restoration of the Jaguar by rushing it. Going slowly also helped to spread out the expenditure.
Jimmy had popped the keys through my letter box, as arranged. I just went into the house, picked up the keys, and went straight back out to open the garage door. It slid upwards like the shutter of a missile silo, to reveal its awesome contents. The evening sunlight slid slowly up the endless bonnet of the E-type and flicked over the windscreen. I took a few paces backwards and just stood there, staring at it. I’ve never been what might be called a car person – they’re normally strictly workhorses to me – but I’d always regarded the E-type Jaguar as a work of art. The reverence I experienced as I gazed upon it was similar to that I had felt when I stood before Michelangelo’s Pieta, or watched the sun set, one winter’s afternoon, from the summit of Blencathra. Jimmy was right, except that I would have liked to have put the whole caboodle over the mantelpiece.
The phone was ringing in the house. I dashed in and grabbed it. ‘Hello,’ I said. It was as good an opening as any, and didn’t give a lead to crank callers.
‘Is that Mr Priest, please?’
It was a female voice. I thought I recognised it, but I wasn’t sure.
‘No, it’s Charlie. Who’s that, please?’
‘Hello, boss, it’s Kim, Kim Limbert
‘Hi, Kim,’ I replied with enthusiasm, ‘sorry I missed your bun fight, did it go off all right?’
‘Yes. Never mind that. Charlie, are you in trouble?
‘No. I don’t think so. Why?’
‘I overheard a conversation today, well, more of a row than a conversation. It seemed to be about you.’
I was intrigued. ‘Where was this?’ I asked.
‘Down at city HQ,’ Kim replied. ‘I don’t start till Monday, but I thought I’d call in today to say hello. I was waiting to see my new boss when I was invited up to see the Assistant Chief Constable, Mr Partridge.’
I hadn’t been invited to see the ACC when I made sergeant. ‘Go on,’ I told her.
‘Well, when I got there I was informed that he’d just been summoned to the Big Chief’s office. Hilditch’s, that is. Would I forgive him, and he’d have a word with me some other time.’
‘Mmm, sounds like I’ve a rival there. What happened next?’
‘Next I got lost. I had a quick word with a girl I know in the outer office, then I must have turned the wrong way when I came out. I knew I’d made a mistake when the carpet came over my ankles. I found myself outside Hilditch’s office. There was an unholy row going on inside, and your name was being mentioned. Well, shouted, actually.’
‘Maybe they were making the short list for the next super’s job,’ I suggested.
‘No way, Charlie. Hilditch was telling him that he wants you off the Force. Pronto and sine die. Mr Partridge tried to reason with him, but he wouldn’t listen. He ordered him to have you suspended, as from tomorrow, or else. What have you been up to, Charlie?’
I thought about it for a few moments before I answered. Two possible courses of action occurred to me. The first one was very tempting, almost irresistible: invite Kim for a trip to a moorland pub in my new sports car to discuss the predicament. ‘Kim, it’s best if you don’t know what it’s about just yet. What you don’t know can’t make a pig’s ear, or something. You just show ’em you’re the best sergeant they’ve got, and forget what you heard. And I promise I’ll tell you all about it as soon as I can. OK?’
‘I suppose so, you’re the boss.’
‘And I’m grateful. Any time you want a transfer to CID, just let me know.’
‘We’ve had this conversation before, Charlie. I’d be no good: my profile’s too high. Good detectives are grey and anonymous, they merge with the woodwork.’
‘Ah, but we have all the fun. Good luck with the job, Kim, and thanks.’
I was smiling as I put the phone down, but I had a feeling that I ought not to be. I gave myself a mental ticking off for having misplaced priorities, and trudged upstairs to pack a suitcase. Kim’s call had helped me make a decision. I had a lot to do, and not much time to do it in.
Jimmy Hoyle told me, when I rang him, that the car was hunky-dory. He’d done a hundred and thirty, he claimed, on the M62 and she was as steady as a three-legged card table. But keep an eye on the oil level. I was about to ring Tony Willis, but I changed my mind and wrote him a note. Notes can’t ask questions back. There were a few other things for him to attend to, but the main priority was the safety of Makinson and Rose. I instructed him to debrief them and act on whatever information they had gathered. I’d drop it through his letter box in the morning, on my way to Spain.
A good night’s sleep seemed more important than an early start, so I rose at my normal time. It was a brilliant sunny morning, as if to give me a foretaste of what to expect. I put the Jag out on the road and left the other car standing in its normal place, up against the garage door. I pratted about for longer than I ought, checking this and that and wondering what I’d forgotten. I couldn’t find any sunglasses, although I did have some, once, but I did find a baseball cap with NYPD on the front. Sparky’s kids had brought it back from the States for me a few years ago. I pulled it on to my head and looked in the mirror. Not bad.
‘OK, Frank,’ I said to myself out of the corner of my mouth, ‘let’s go!’
The big engine rumbled into life immediately. I sat there for a few moments, feeling the car rocking gently beneath me, like the panting of a big cat – panthera onca – readying itself for the chase. It was inevitable that I thought of Dad, and wondered how much of his shadow I was still living under. I selected first gear and eased out the clutch. Going towards the high street an extremely glossy black Rover passed in the opposite direction. The two occupants were uniformed, and the one in the passenger seat had silver braid on the peak of his cap. I pulled the NYPD down over my eyes and shot past them.
After stuffing the note through the Willis letter box I filled up the fourteen-gallon tank. That should take me to the outskirts of Dover. There’s a pay-phone at the garage, so I used it to ring the station.
I told the desk sergeant that I wasn’t very well and was having a day or two off sick, and to let Mr Wood know. He was very sympathetic because it was unheard-of for me to be off, and asked me what the problem was.
‘Haemorrhoids,’ I told him. Make it something unglamorous and they’re bound to believe you.
‘Ooh, nasty,’ he confided. ‘Have you tried Anusol? It’s the only thing that works for me.’
Then I remembered what I’d forgotten. We’d defied the purists on two counts: Jimmy had fitted a pair of tasteful wing mirrors that the manufacturers had not deemed necessary, and I’d installed a radio/cassette player. Unfortunately I’d forgotten to throw in any cassettes. A quick detour took me to the record shop. I picked up a Dylan I hadn’t heard, then made for the classical section. I was looking for S for Sibelius, but on the way saw Rimsky-Korsakov, and decided that perhaps Capriccio Espanol was more appropriate. Eventually, much later than I had wanted, I found myself heading cross-country to pick up the Ml southbound.
The E-type was a revelation. By modem standards it was heavy on the controls, and the performance was probably no better than lots of other cars, apart from the hundred and fifty miles per hour top speed. But what it did do, par excellence, was turn heads. Drivers pulled over to let me through, and then turned to wave a friendly hand. Kids in back seats gave me the thumbs up. When I stopped at a motorway cafe there was a constant procession of admirers gawping through the windows and standing well back to appreciate the graceful lines. I felt like a celebrity, and was surprised to discover that I enjoyed the feeling.
Dover was reached by late afternoon. After filling up and buying a European road atlas I investigated the queue for the hovercraft. It wasn’t as bad as I had expected, and eventually they squeezed me on. I think they quickly regretted their consideration when they realised how long the car was, and how difficult it was to manoeuvre, but we did it. Forty-five minutes later we were in France. I followed another vehicle for a few hesitant miles, until I recovered from the shock of driving on the right. The Jag’s poor rearward visibility, combined with the fact that the steering wheel was now on the wrong side, meant that I had difficulty watching what was happening behind me. The obvious solution was to drive faster, then I’d be going away from it all.
Immediate priorities were meal, bed, breakfast; preferably in that order. I drove steadily for about an hour, then, just as it was growing dark, pulled into the car park of one of the legendary Les Routiers. It was a disappointment, but bright and early next morning, stuffed full of croissants and twitchy on thick black coffee, I set about some serious motoring. Before going to bed I’d spent half an hour studying the maps and decided to travel south on the routes nationales rather than the autoroutes. My intended course would take me to the west of Paris, through Orleans and Limoges, and touch the edge of the Massif Central in Limousin country. It looked an interesting way to see some of France, and this was supposed to be a holiday.
France is a big place, I discovered, and my progress to the bottom of the map was tardy. But the E-type weaved its magic, and the sun was shining, and soon the familiar shadows of the avenues of poplar trees were flickering over the windscreen. I thought of all the impressionist paintings of these roads that I had admired, and wondered how many of them would be improved by the addition of a speeding Jaguar. The next time I visited a gallery I’d take a few fibre-tipped pens with me and see. Orleans was easily bypassed. It brought back memories of the only time I acted in a school play. We were doing Shaw’s Saint Joan, and I landed the part of the Bastard of Orleans, purely on the grounds of being the only kid in the class who could pronounce it properly.
It was going to take me a lot longer to reach the Costa del Sol than I had anticipated. Impetuosity is not normally one of my traits, and now I was paying the price for my foray into that territory. Lack of planning; that was the cause of the problem. What the hell, who cares? Problem? What problem?’
I stopped in an unnamed village and dared to check out the local supermarket. Stocked up with bottled water, crusty bread, fresh grapes and other local goodies, I was soon on my way again. I also bought some aspirin, because the driving seat was giving me back-ache; and some sunglasses. Walking back to the car I put on the shades and gave the baseball cap to a little boy on a bike.
I reckoned on stopping for fuel at about two-hundred-mile intervals. I filled up four times that day.
There’s a line in a song about the old men playing chequers ’neath the trees. The shadows were long and the light had turned a warm golden-yellow when I pulled triumphantly into the small town of Foix, at the foot of the Pyrenees. And there they were: old men in woollen cardigans and black berets, playing chess in the shade along the roadside, against a backdrop of a sunwashed hilltop chateau. I extricated myself from the Jag, gingerly straightening my back and stretching my protesting limbs. I was worn out and sweating. Beautiful cars, like beautiful people, have their deficiencies.
I’d parked outside a church, underneath a colossal cedar tree. I had a quick swig of bottled water and went for an exploratory walk. My schoolboy French was an embarrassment, but after a lot of gesticulation and even more laughter I found a small, deep-shadowed hotel that could feed and accommodate me for the night. When I took the Jaguar there, Monsieur le Chef-Patron was ecstatic, and insisted on my putting it round the back, away from the road. I felt welcome.
The evening blowout started with trout in a buttery sauce, followed by steak and whitebait, with olives. An unusual combination to me, but it went down well.
This was followed by a portion of cooked celery and then a salad. There was no menu; as I cleared one platter the next appeared. We finished off with a cherry flan that would have impressed my mother.
I wiped my chin on the big napkin. Madame was insistent with the cheeseboard, but I could only manage a couple of mousetrap-sized portions. As with the food, there was no choice of wine. And rightly so: they were the experts, and I submitted to their knowledge. My glass was filled with liquid that looked black until you held it to the brightest light. Then it glowed deep ruby, like St Anne’s robe in the Leonardo painting. It was one of those wines that ambushes you. The first big mouthful left a slight prickly sensation on the tongue, and I decided that it was not really to my palate. By the end of the glass I was reconsidering this hurried appraisal, and by the third glass I was thinking that tomorrow was another day and could look after itself.
Monsieur asked me if I had enjoyed my meal. At least, I think that’s what he said. I gave it Yorkshire’s highest accolade: ‘Not bad,’ I told him, grinning like a euphonium, as he refilled my glass.
Next morning I felt as if I was coming round from unsuccessful brain surgery. Two aspirin for this hangover seemed as effectual as throwing ping-pong balls at a runaway train. Maybe the mountain air would do the trick.
‘Never again,’ I swore, not for the first time.
Normally, I like mountains. Human beings are supposed to have some primordial instinct that draws them, eternally, back to the sea. Not me, I go for the high ground. Today, though, the Pyrenees were just a barrier to my progress. The big engine ignored the gradients, but the mile after mile of hairpin bends took its toll on the driver. Perspiration was running down my arms when we were in the sunlight, then we would swing round a bend that seemed to go on for ever and plunge into shadow. The temperature would drop until the next hairpin brought us bursting out into the brightness again. I felt sick. A road signposted ‘Andorra’ passed by on the right. It would have been an interesting diversion, but I’d save that for the next time. I’d made myself a promise that one day I would return to Foix, but then it would be my destination and not just a stopover.
The first view down into Spain was not what I expected. The entire countryside below was covered by cloud, like a vast goose-down quilt stretching into infinity. Here and there pinnacles of vapour towered upwards from the undulating mass, as if trying to break free from it, and caught the morning sun. I pulled off the road and got
out. It was one of those sights that makes you wish that everyone you had ever loved was there to share it with you. I had mixed feelings, though – soon I would drop down into it and it would slow my progress. I settled back into the driving seat and looked at the mileage on the speedo. I was eleven hundred miles from home, but it felt like ten thousand.
It wasn’t too bad. By concentrating hard, and with some fairly heavy braking now and then, I managed to keep up a good speed. After a while I caught a lorry. He was cracking on, and overtaking him would have been suicidal, so I just locked on to his taillights and settled down to follow him. It was a lot more relaxing.
I took stock of what I was doing there. It was difficult to come up with a good answer. Suddenly, looking for Cakebread’s boat seemed a feeble reason for tear-arsing across Europe. There was the information in the note that Gloria had given me, but it didn’t amount to much. We’d tried brainstorming possible meanings for PH and PM with the troops, but our combined grey matter had hardly raised a summer breeze.
I wished one of them was with me now. Tony Willis would be upped to inspector before too long, and I’d lose him from my team. He was young and ambitious, but he’d worked hard and deserved to move on. I’d let him run the show often enough, and known it was in good hands. The only thing that might hold him back was a sense of humour that he had difficulty containing.
Sparky was different. He was about as old as me but was still ranked as a constable. In spite of this he was one of the best officers I had ever known. He knew the theory, whether it be an obscure point of law or a piece of practical psychology, and he knew what on-the-street policing was all about. More than once he’d put his hand on my shoulder and told me: ‘Let it go, boss, there’s a better way of doing this.’ And there usually was.
The Picasso Scam Page 9