I had loved the gorgeous hardwood floors. I even loved the stupid smoke detector that hung from a wire and went off every time the tenants upstairs partied, and the old fashioned elevator that didn’t work half the time.
My Manhattan palace could house five Market Street apartments. Picturing its perfection didn’t move me near as much as remembering those simple times in Portland. My young and innocent times may have been a struggle, but were filled with hope and dreams instead of bland responsibility.
Time came for me to walk back to the office on Commercial Street. Instead of feeling dread and shame, I kept my head high when I went to the front desk. I even smiled at Marie, the girl who sold tickets for the tours. She slid a box across the counter toward me.
“I’m sorry.” She held her voice in a whisper, and I could see a bit of fear in her eyes. Tammy intimidated her more than anyone else and for a moment a swell of guilt filled me. We were friends and I deserted her.
I glanced behind her. Tammy paced in the office, glaring and fuming. I looked back at Marie. “Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m not sad.”
“Aaron is pissed off. I mean really, he lit into Tammy when she made the announcement this afternoon.”
My heart took off again. Oh, Aaron. How could I have not thought about him since returning this morning? I’d lost track of him over past twenty years, but he still came into my thoughts often. He’d been my best friend in the whole world back then. Well, now. Aaron had been a kindred spirit.
I couldn’t walk away from him without saying something. I didn’t want to get all emotional, but the pressure built inside me; my chest, my head. I missed the hell out of him and I hadn’t even realized it until now. To him only one day passed since we’d seen each other. More like fifteen years for me. My eyes misted up. Luckily, I could blame it on losing my job.
“Is he on the dock?” I kept my voice low. Tammy stalked back to her office, but she still glared at me through the glass window that overlooked the ticket counter.
“Yeah. I’m sure the dragon won’t keep you from saying goodbye to him.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right.”
“Yeah, right,” Marie agreed.
But I was bent on seeing him anyway. I pushed my box next to a wall, out of sight, and went out onto the dock.
Our company shared the dock with the island ferry service. Even with all the activity of deck hands, yard crew and passengers, I spotted Aaron almost immediately.
He stood a good half-foot taller than most of the guys I knew. His dark brown hair was windblown and much too long, but damned if he wasn’t the best thing I’d seen all day, including Colin. The moment I caught Aaron’s attention, the stress of the insane-out-of-time day melted away. When he smiled at me, his blue eyes sparkling like the waves out on Casco Bay, I could actually believe everything would be okay.
Don’t cry. I dodged through the crowd of people waiting for the ferry out to the islands. That would just be wonderful.
Unfortunately, when he wrapped me in a bear hug, I broke down like a blubbering baby.
“Hey, come on, Sunshine. Don’t tell me you’re crying over this place.”
I laughed against his chest. Man, I’d soaked his denim work shirt. How was he going to explain a big old splotch of moisture? Maybe he could say water from a boat had splashed him.
Why am I worried about that? I had so many bigger things to worry about right now, like trying to sort out this crazy, unthinkable day. If I could talk to anyone in the world about something so crazy it would be him, but at the moment I wanted to steep in the comfort of his embrace. How could I have forgotten how close our friendship had been? That thought alone started the next wave of tears.
After a moment, I pulled myself together enough to look up at him and give him a shaky grin. “Oh, I’m not. But now I have to go home and explain to a bunch of girls why I may not have the rent money when it’s due. Aaron, I despise looking for jobs.”
“You don’t have a thing to worry about. Just forget about it tonight. I’ll tell you what. You go home and get changed. When I get out of here we’ll go down to the Ebb Tide and drown your sorrows in some margaritas. My treat.”
“You’re a god amongst mortals.” I sighed, pulling away from him. “But, damn, I probably should give Bob a call.” Because I have absolutely no idea if we made plans for tonight. I couldn’t remember that far back.
Aaron curled his lip and furrowed his brow in an expression similar to the mild distaste Sarah showed earlier.
“What? What’s wrong with Bob?” I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him, all of a sudden defensive. I mean, Bob wasn’t that bad. Not exactly a thrill a minute, but he was a nice guy.
“Nothing’s wrong with Bob.” Aaron’s face lost that look of aversion and his lips turned up in a half grin. “You go and talk to Bob. If you want to get together later, let me know.” He leaned and kissed me on the cheek and returned to work. He didn’t walk far before he turned back around.
“Hey Sunshine.”
“Yeah?” Unconsciously I touched my fingers to my cheek. No flashes, but he’d left behind comforting warmth. I met his eyes. They sparkled, the familiar shine that always warmed me through.
“You look good. I like that dress on you.”
I smiled back, the warmth he left spreading to my heart. I brushed my hand over the light skirt of the dress. Hmm…two compliments in one day from men I admired. Maybe I needed to replace my entire wardrobe.
“Thanks. See you around.” I turned away with a small wave. All of a sudden I didn’t want to leave. A small panic swirled coldly in my belly. What if I didn’t see him again? I had to. This brief visit reminded me of our bond. For the life of me I don’t know why we let our friendship die. I’d be sad for the rest of my life if I didn’t rekindle our relationship.
I didn’t want to live with that regret.
With my box in hand I started the hike back home. I caught myself halfway there feeling around my purse for my cell phone to give Bob a call. I nearly laughed out loud.
I didn’t have a cell phone. Bob and I got our first mobile phone sometime in the nineties, a cumbersome unit with a battery larger than five of the slim BlackBerry I’d emailed with yesterday.
I’d have to wait until I got home and use the telephone. Not having a phone stuck to my ear for once was pleasant. No one yakking about business. No problems from the office bleeding over into what should have been my off time. God, I never wanted another cell phone again.
Thank goodness no one was home when I got there. I didn’t think I could deal with questions. I tossed the box on my bed and sat down next to it. Now what? Call Bob and see where we stood? Call my parents?
No, I’d get all weepy again. Even though they were still going strong when I “was” in my forties seeing them twenty years younger might be too much for my heart. It would make me want to stay this age so I could enjoy them all over again.
I decided to call Bob. I had to wait about half an hour, give him time to get from office to his apartment. I occupied my time by searching through my closet and digging into my drawers. Over the past twenty-one years I’d forgotten plenty and I needed to remember the little details, like what book I was reading, my current favorite music, what events were going on in my life and the world around me. Leave it to me to mention some “current” event that wasn’t due to happen for another two years.
Hey.
The thought hit me like a mental slap, but in a good way. I stood up abruptly, and grinned. There could be some money in this.
I tapped my finger against my lips. Imagine, predicting the winner of the World Series and the Super Bowls. If only those things had been important enough for me to remember. The only thing I could say for sure was the Red Sox won the two thousand and four and two thousand and seven World Series. Despite being a New Yorker for years, I still rooted for the Sox. I just didn’t announce it loudly.
No, I was certain I wouldn’t be here long enough to mak
e a mint on my strange and wonderful ability to “foresee” the future. Tonight I’d go to bed and wake up back in my soft and squishy middle-aged body, next to my soft and squishy middle-aged husband and get back to my career-track. As long as my little blunder this morning didn’t derail that career.
Still, better safe than sorry and announcing things coming down the line probably wouldn’t be the wisest idea. I’d end up creeping my friends out.
My digging produced the fact that today was July thirteenth, nineteen eighty-eight, which made me twenty-three and somehow I slipped back twenty-one years. Luckily there wasn’t too much happening in my life. I would’ve been pissed if I’d been dropped into a moment of crisis. Instead I remember being bored and unfulfilled.
I kissed my journal when I found it in my drawer then hugged it tight like a dear old friend. I flopped down on my unmade bed with a grin and prepared for an interesting and informative read while I waited for Bob to get home.
I would like to say my journal was filled with insight, but I couldn’t. Apparently I hadn’t given myself a lot of time to write in the flowery booklet. Lots of short entries that started when I first moved back to Portland after college. I documented the arrival of my new roommates. From Day One I didn’t like Misty, but she could pay the rent and didn’t party in the apartment. That’s all Sarah and I cared about. Besides, she and Katie were best friends. A package deal. Katie I could handle.
There were plenty mentions of Aaron, of my disdain for Tammy, and the various guys I’d dated. Never anyone serious, but seeing the names brought a smile to my lips. Still, all this information, even though it would’ve only happened in the past year or so, seemed like distant memories. I couldn’t recall half of the people I mentioned.
Before I could finish reading, the time had come to call Bob.
“I lost my job today.” No point beating around the bush. Rip that old Band-Aid right off.
What? Are you kidding? Why?” The tone of his voice was short, businesslike. Bob always played it straight, a real by the book kind of guy. People didn’t just “lose” their jobs. They threw them away.
Surely he’d consider what I’d done today throwing with all my might. A pitch worthy of Curt Schilling in the two thousand and four World Series, and I had to admit he was pretty much right. But, seriously, given the circumstances…
“No, I’m not kidding. Look, I did something stupid. I wanted a mental health day. And I got caught.” I chuckled, trying to make light of the situation even though it weighed heavily on my mind. I didn’t need to dive into a serious funk about this. If I could show Bob I didn’t see this as some catastrophe, then maybe he wouldn’t and he’d put away the doom and gloom attitude.
“Who would’ve thought Tammy was the type to take a stroll up on the Prom.”
There was a long pause and I pictured Bob rubbing the bridge of his nose in irritation. “So, now what? I hope you found an employment agency right away. WCW Employment is very good. Out on Forest.” He sighed. “Mental health day? That’s what weekends are for.”
That’s right, Bob had acted old even when he was young. I closed my eyes and shook my head. Besides the getting canned part, and the waking up in the twilight zone part I actually enjoyed my day which made me feel sorry for Bob, who would never understand the benefits of a “mental health day.”
“I’ll go out first thing tomorrow. I’m not worried. There’s plenty of work out there for me. Maybe I’ll go down to Prince of Fundy, see what they have.”
“It’s going to be a black mark on your employment record.”
“Okay, enough with the doom and gloom. Please let me enjoy my liberation from Tammy for at least one afternoon. Anyway, I called to ask, with everything else going on I kind of forgot, do we have plans tonight?”
He sighed. I rolled my eyes in irritation. His scolding attitude grated my nerves. I know I’d done wrong and I didn’t need him pointing that out.
“Hard day, honey?” I asked sweetly, knowing my tone would tick him off as much as his reprimanding annoyed me.
Damn, why was I egging him on? He hadn’t done anything wrong. This was just Bob. I didn’t know why I needed to pick on his less desirable qualities. I really didn’t plan on starting a fight.
Maybe I really wanted to go out and suck down a beer or margaritas and laugh with Aaron instead of having a nice dinner and meaningful conversation with Bob. Tonight Bob seemed to be too much work.
Did I really want to spend what could be my only night back with him when I’d be spending the rest of my life with him? Tonight should be about old lost friends. Still, Bob was supposed to be the man I loved, the one I wanted to spend time with.
Where’s the enthusiasm?
“No, not really. But to answer your question, yes, we do have plans. Dinner at The Common House.”
Oh Dear God. My shoulders slumped, what little eagerness I’d managed to summon faded.
The Common House meant dressing appropriately. Right now I felt anything but. I didn’t think I had the energy to change out of this dress, never mind brushing my hair or putting on makeup.
“In case you don’t remember, I’m meeting you there at six-thirty.”
Snarky.
I told myself to stop. Bob may have been snarky, but he was a good guy. He didn’t have any vices. He worked hard and didn’t piddle his money away on things like booze and fast cars. He had a plan. After some of the guys I dated, I appreciated that quality. Bob Weidner was going places. And they were good places.
I said goodbye to him, and then went to my closet to find something more practical. I yanked out a pair of dove gray slacks and a short-sleeved black sweater. As I brushed my hair in front of my mirror I once again paused and met my gaze in the glass. What in the world was happening? What in the world brought me back here?
My heart pounded again, my hands tingled with nerves.
How in the world could I do everything the same? Already today I’d gone out and posed for Colin, something I hadn’t done the first time around, and lost my job.
I’d never been fired from any job. No, on the contrary, I was supposed to stay at the charter tour line for another year, then move on to assistant to the Vice President position at an insurance brokerage downtown. That would eventually, when Bob and I moved to New York City, lead to my HR position.
An impressive resume. A life to be proud of. A cold life.
Behind me I caught a glimpse of the plants on my dresser. I didn’t have a place for a garden, so I made do with the little space I had. In my Manhattan penthouse the plants came from a high-end flower shop, tended by the housekeeper every other day. Despite my great love of greenery and flowers, I never touched a leaf on any of those plants.
Ever.
I couldn’t decide if I was angry or disappointed. Heaviness pulled at my brain and shoulders as if it wanted to suck me right down into the earth and bury me. I dropped the brush and pressed my hand to my chest.
Things were going to change.
Starting tonight.
I couldn’t go down that path again. Not the same way I had before, anyway. I’d find out if Bob could meet the challenge. I bit my bottom lip and sucked in my breath. I’d find out soon enough.
I wasn’t sure how much of my future I could recover. Now that I’d been fired, what would that to do to my chances at the insurance company? One of the things they’d admired about me was my dedication and solid work history. I chuckled without humor. Flush that right down the toilet.
Truth be told, I probably screwed myself up so badly I’d have nothing to look forward to in my future other than slinging hash in a greasy spoon.
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” I grumbled at my reflection.
Before I could make my break and get to The Common House, Misty crashed through my door. Her beautiful face glowed angry red and I swear she snarled. She scared me a little at first, but annoyance overcame fear. I really didn’t have time to deal with her.
“What the hel
l do you think you’re up to?”
I gave her a cold look. At least one thing I developed over the years was the ability to stay cool under pressure. Back when I was twenty-three, I would’ve been stumbling over my reply, looking for the easiest exit.
“Getting ready for a date. What the hell do you think you’re up to?”
“I talked to Colin this afternoon. He told me you modeled for him.”
I shrugged. “He asked.”
“That was my job.”
“You were a little busy. Colin called this morning for you. I told you he was on the phone, but you told me twice you were busy. Busy with the jock du jour. So Colin, obviously not happy you stood him up, asked me to fill in.”
Misty stood about three inches shorter than me. One of those perfect little numbers, petite and feminine with lots of pale blonde hair curling all over the place. Next to her I felt as sexy as a giant troll, tall, and often awkward. But her face mottled with fury leveled the playing field. I liked being calm amidst this little temper tantrum of hers.
“I bet you were all too eager.” Her perfect little cupid lips drew up in a sneer.
I turned to her. I might have slunk away from her in the past, but not this time. I took a step toward her, my confidence at its peak. I straightened, lifted my chin, and studied her. A flicker of uncertainty twitched in her lips and for a split second her eyes dipped away from my stare. But she stood her ground.
“I helped him out. He had a deadline to meet. Maybe that doesn’t matter to you, but it matters to him.”
“One day wouldn’t have killed him.”
There, her voice didn’t hold the same nasty self-assurance generally present when she began her rant. I cracked her shell a little and I liked it. I took another step forward. She took one back.
“How do you know? Or don’t you care? You’re selfish, Misty. You’ve got a great guy who’s crazy for you and you don’t give a damn.”
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