by Brenda Ford
“Oh, for goodness sake. Right, let’s get you to sleep, you drunken idiot.”
I’m just about to protest when me and Ruby are both shocked by the sound of my cell phone ringing. She gives me a horrified look, but I jump across the room and grab it, surprisingly fast, considering.
“Hello?” I yell into the receiver the moment I answer. “Hello? Who is it?”
At first, I get nothing. It reminds me of a little while earlier when it rang but only a couple of times, so I decided to ignore it. Mostly because I was still a little drunk at the time and I couldn’t be bothered to get up. I just assumed that it was a cold marketing call anyway and ii couldn’t be bothered with that…
But now, I’m not so sure. Now, I worry that it might be another ex-girlfriend. More torment. More fear. More threats on my life to deal with. I really don’t want anything else to come my way.
“Oh, hello?” Relief flows through me as I hear Alex’s voice. “Tami, it’s Alex.”
With my next words, I try to sound much more sober. “Hi, Alex. How are you?”
“Good, good. I would ask you the same question, but…” He trails off and I leave it hanging in the air awkwardly. “But anyway, I’m calling because we are having a family barbeque next weekend, on Saturday actually. I wanted to extend an invitation to you. I know that things are a little awkward at the moment, but I’m sure that Brad would love to see you. If you don’t want to come, I get it. I know you are having space, but I didn’t want you to not know about it. It would be… you know, nice to have you around.”
“Oh right.” I can barely handle this; the idea is too much to handle. “Yeah, maybe I will…”
“Oh, right good. And, not that I want to put any pressure on you or anything, but if you do decide to get back with Brad then that would be an awesome time to do it. A real happy ever after. Of course, we can’t expect you to do something that you don’t want to do, but we all love you.”
Those words are lovely. I have always been made to feel like a part of the family. It’s a wonderful thing what the Smith’s have done, but I’m still not sure. I still feel all crazed and unsure. Especially since I’m not exactly sober right now. It’s hard to be rational and smart when I have far too much wine circling through me.
“Thank you for the invite, Alex,” I rasp. “I really appreciate it. I might see you there.”
“Of course. That would be great. Good to talk to you. Goodbye, Tami.”
The phone falls from my fingers and slides to the ground with a thump, making a real racket as it does. It’s only when Ruby bends down to pick it up that I snap out of my moment of madness.
“What was that about?” Ruby asks. “A barbeque or a party or something?”
“Er, yeah, something like that. Alex wants me to go. He said that Brad will want to see me.”
“I’m sure he will. That man loves you… are you planning on going?”
I shrug helplessly, and as my shoulders fall back down a weariness over comes me. The tiredness that I was about to fight only a short while before, hits hard and all I want to do is sleep.
“I don’t know, Ruby. I don’t think that I should make the choice when I’m so shattered.”
“You’re probably right.” Ruby moves to help me as I stand up. “Let’s get you to bed and we can talk about it in the morning. Perhaps once you have recovered from the hang over.”
Urgh, that’s the one bad side about blocking out my feelings when it comes to alcohol. The hang over comes, making me feel like shit and bringing my feelings more to the surface than ever. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow until all of those feelings are over and done with. I should just sleep and sleep. I don’t have anywhere to go tomorrow… although it is Sunday which is problematic. I need to work out what I will do Monday. My job is on the line here, I need to work out what way I want to deal with it.
“Ruby,” I moan as I fall in to bed without bothering to change my clothing. “Ruby, I love you, you know? You are my best friend and I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“I love you too, sweetie, which is why I want you to be happy. I just want you to have it all.”
She sits beside me and strokes my head for a moment as I drift off. This reminds me of what my mother used to do when I was a kid to help me get to sleep, back when my family was together. My mom would stroke my forehead, my dad sang, it was lovely. I might be an adult now, but I miss those days. I miss having a secure family unit. It’s what I want to have when I have a child one day in the future. A proper family where my baby girl or boy feels safe. That’s why I need to make sure that the person I fall in love with is stable. That’s why I need that safety at all times. It might be a bit premature to consider that far ahead, but right now, it feels like the right thing to do. To consider my future in the most broad terms possible. To know that my choice is right.
Eventually, I slide into a wonderful dream state where I don’t need to worry about anything other than me and Brad. That’s where he slides in to my arms, between my thighs, and we hold on to one another tight, right where he belongs. As soon as my sub conscious takes over, he is here, back in my life, back inside of me. He slips into me, giving me a much needed release that I so desperately need. As he thrusts, he tells me over and over again that he loves me. He reassures me that we are going to be together forever and that nothing will get in our way. I cling to him, believing every word that he says, needing this love more than anything in the world.
The confusion floods away. I don’t even know why I was so conflicted. It’s obvious that me and him are supposed to be together. Here, in my dream world, we can just be happy and together. We can explore our love. And our love feels amazing. It’s heady and burning hot, it has delightful flames licking all over my skin. I don’t want it to end. I want to keep thrusting with this man forever. No one else does it so good.
“Oh, fuck,” I rasp out as his thrusting sends me flying towards the knife edge of desire. I toss my head back and succumb to the sensations of pleasure as they cascade through me. “Brad, I need you.”
“I need you too.” His finger nails dig in to my back. “That’s why I don’t want you to leave…”
All of a sudden, I’m no longer spinning into heaven. I’m curled up in a ball beside him, sobbing. The joy has gone, taking the bliss with it, leaving me a damn mess. “I don’t want to leave either. I want to be with you. I don’t know why I’m not. I don’t understand how I have let things get this far.”
Brad doesn’t say anything. Probably because he is in my sub conscious and I don’t know what I want him to say. He simply holds me to him and lets me cry it out. The tears don’t seem to ever stop flowing.
“The barbeque,” I gasp out. “Alex invited me to the barbeque. Should I go?”
“You know that I want to have you there. I will always want to have you around me.”
I cry harder, the confusion back in full force. I know what my heart is telling me, and I also know what my head thinks as well, but each choice feels right and wrong in equal measures. I have a dead line now, not an enforceable one, but one all the same. A time in which to make my decision. A week to know which way my life is going to go, to make the most important choice of my whole damn life.
Chapter 34 – Brad – Monday
“Are they gone?” I ask Angelo as he re-enters my office. “Did you get rid of them?”
“They are not only gone, but they also know that the cops might be on their tail now, so they are very scared. Which is probably good considering everything that they have done.” Angelo sighs sadly.
“I know that you hate all of this and I’m sorry for putting you on the spot like that…”
“No, no, it isn’t that.” He shakes his head. “I just don’t like what all of this is doing to you. I don’t like seeing you all broken by these people. It isn’t right. You don’t deserve this. I mean, none of them even have a good reason for doing what they have done, do they? Just jealousy. That’s it. Hayley obvio
usly doesn’t like not being promoted; Tawny doesn’t like not being seen as the prettiest here. Beth and Amy… well, I think they might have just been dragged along for the ride, not that it excuses their behavior.”
Urgh, I’m just glad that they aren’t here to trouble me anymore. And there won’t be any threats of employee unfair dismissal cases because they know that they have done terribly wrong. The evidence speaks for itself. They know for sure that they need to be more worried by the law than unemployment anyway.
“And Maria,” I laugh mirthlessly. “Don’t forget Maria and her insanity.”
“I would love nothing more than to forget about Maria and I’m sure you feel the same.”
“Yeah well, since she has been officially charged now and they think she will definitely get a lengthy jail sentence, maybe I can finally start to forget about her for good now. Hopefully, her time locked away will sort her out and give her a much better outlook on life. I don’t ever want to see her again.”
Angelo nods and takes a seat opposite me. “So, what do we do now? We’re going to have to get a lot more new employees, aren’t we? To replace those that have gone now.”
“Do you think that includes Tami, since she isn’t here today?” Even saying her name chills me to the bone. It broke me to walk in today and see her desk empty. It wasn’t a massive shock, but it still sucks.
Angelo doesn’t have an answer to that. He simply stares at me as if he’s trying to work out how quickly I’m going to crack. I’m not though, not here. Not in front of everyone. I’m sure that the rest of the employees here are worried that everything is about to fall apart around them. Because of the mean girls, because of me, because of Tami. I would be concerned too if I was in their position. Worried that I would be out of a job too… but that isn’t going to happen. I refuse to lose my parent’s legacy over this. I just won’t let it happen.
“We need to make a plan,” Angelo says instead. “We need to structure our next move. Work out who we’re going to hire next, work out how things are going to go. See how we can make it work.”
This is good. This is something much better to focus on. Work can consume me easily, which is what I need. To take my mind off of other things that I just can’t control. Such as where Tami is and what she’s thinking. What she might want to do when it comes to me and her now…
“I agree. Let’s do it now. I need something else to focus on rather than the shit storm of my life. I want to make sure that everything works here. I can’t sacrifice this. You know that. Better than anyone.”
Angelo nods and agrees with me. So, we set about focusing on the business. This is where I have always put all my heart, where I have focused all of my life, why I haven’t had a relationship and I also haven’t ever been hurt like this before either. It’s easier like this. Much better. Maybe I should go back to that…
I lean against the bar, the beer swirling through my system as I wave around my pint glass needing another drink. After spending the whole day with Angelo, and a lot of it with Oliver as well, working out how the company is going to work now, I needed somewhere alone to blow off steam… I might have gone a bit too far and had too many to drink, but it feels good. I’m in a familiar situation now. Working hard all day, having a drink at my favorite bar in the evening… it’s like my life was before Tami came in to it. Yes, it’s much emptier and I don’t enjoy it as much, but at least it’s familiar. I need that.
“Hey there, you,” a female voice says quiets to me. “I haven’t seen you here for a while.”
I tilt my head to one side and see a vaguely familiar face smiling at me. Someone else that I slept with a long time ago which of course causes all the hairs to stand up on the back of my neck. I must have been the one to send Maria crazy. And the other one night stands who have gotten too attached. It’s me. And this might be another person who I have hurt as well. I don’t know if I can handle that right now.
“I… I’m sorry… I…” I stammer out, panic coursing through my veins.
“You don’t need to sound so worried,” she laughs while perching on the chair next to me. “I just came over to say hi. Do you want a drink, maybe? It looks like you’re out.” She points to my glass.
“Er, yeah. Yeah I do want one please.” I narrow my eyes at this woman, trying to work out her motive.
“You’re looking at me like I have lost my mind, Brad. I know that it’s been a while, but I’m still the same person. I’m still Jeanie. I’m still your friend from years ago. Even if you’ve abandoned me recently.”
“I haven’t abandoned you, I just… I had other things going on. I’ve been busy.”
“Yeah, I thought as much. A woman, right? One who has finally caught your eye for good?”
“Have we slept together?” I blurt out, definitely because of the booze. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.
“Yes, of course we have.” She laughs loudly. “Have you had sex with so many people that you can’t remember? God, and there was me thinking that I was special…”
“Uh oh. I’m sorry. Did I hurt you that bad? I didn’t mean to…”
“No, no, I’m joking…” she reassures me instantly. “I knew what it was. Me and you just had that one night of fun. I didn’t actually think that I was special. We were just friends though, right. Still are.”
For some reason, this makes me feel so much better. Knowing that someone I have had sex with doesn’t hate my guts is a relieving feeling. Jeanie has loosened the tight knot in my chest. I smile at her gratefully, glad that I have accidently stumbled across this woman. She has made my night better.
“That’s good to hear. I’m glad that me and you can still be friends.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with you again though,” Jeanie teases while sliding my beer towards me. “It was fun at the time, but I’m looking for something much more serious now.”
“Yeah, me too,” I admit while taking a sip of my drink.
“You are? Brad Smith wants something serious?” She cocks a brow. “Wow, I never thought that would happen. This must be some girl. She has really changed you, hasn’t she?”
“She has. She really has. She’s the one, you know? Only I don’t know if she feels the same.”
“Uh oh. Unrequited love,” Jeanie replies. “That’s the worst kind. What happened?”
I find myself spilling the whole sorry to Jeanie. This is someone new, someone unrelated to this who can give me advice. Yes, she is someone that I have had sex with before, but she doesn’t seem to hold it against me. It’s a strange place to get advice from, but I’m desperate right now. I don’t have any choice.
“Oh wow,” she replies once I have gotten to the end. “You picked a crazy one there.”
“I don’t know if it’s my fault though. If I didn’t make it clear enough that me and her weren’t going to be together. That’s what gave her false hope. I don’t know if I have done it to other people as well.”
“You were very honest with me,” she reassures me. “You don’t need to worry about that. I knew where I stood which was why we can still be friends. I knew that me and you were never going to be.”
“And you didn’t mind it? You weren’t bothered?”
“No of course not. We both got what we wanted… has Maria really worried you so much? It seems to me like she was just crazy and obsessed by you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I just… if I’m honest with you, it reminds me that I am not good enough for Tami, you know? She is perfect. Wonderful, beautiful, way better than me. If I drive women crazy, then she should be far away from me. She knows that as well, which is why she has pulled away from me. She’s scared.”
“You are just assuming that,” Jeanie tells me. “You have no idea what she’s thinking.”
“Hmm, I suppose not. But it has to be that, doesn’t it? Why else could she want to pull away?”
“You are traumatized by what happens, so I imagine she is the same way. You said that she’s
younger as well. Trauma hits you harder when you’re younger, I think. I mean, that’s just an assumption on my behalf, not truth. But I would imagine that she just needs some time to recover.”
“Jeanie, I am so freaking glad that I bumped in to you today, I hope you know that.” She laughs and raises her glass, so I do the same. We clink them together in a cheers gesture before I continue talking. “You know, my brothers are having a barbeque on Saturday. For me, to cheer me up…”
“Oh, that’s nice! I don’t know all of your brothers. Only Oliver.”
“Well, I would invite you, but I don’t think I want to go. Instead, I want to hang out here with you. We could get drunk. As friends, obviously since we are looking for something more serious.”
“Well, I might be working next Saturday, I’m not too sure. But if not, that sounds fun.”
We clink out glasses together once more and laugh aloud. As we do, I swim with joy. Being here and having fun is so much better than wallowing in misery. I am sick of being that unhappy bastard. Alex will be unhappy with me for not attending the party that he is throwing just for me, but I’m sure once he gets in to the swing of things he will forget that I am not there. I just don’t want it, I would rather be in this dark, dingy bar, having fun.
“Okay good. Let’s do that then.” I smile brightly. “Now, it’s time to get you a drink since you got me one.”
I don’t think I will leave here until closing time. Especially if I can have a friend with me. It will make work unpleasant tomorrow, but it’s unpleasant anyway. The company is running just fine without me anyway, without me being fully present, so I really don’t think a hangover will affect me any worse.
I just have to keep going, that’s all. Keep going until… well, until something happens to change it all up over again. Whatever way that might be…
Chapter 35 – Tami – Saturday