by Brenda Ford
But I should not be going anywhere near her,
After all she is the pop princess who just tagged along.
But soon, things start to happen…back stage.
And I thought I’ve found my love…
I think my life is coming back in order,
Only to realize that I messed up again,
Only to see her walk away.
But I’m too obsessed to let her go,
And I’ll do everything to make her mine
But this girl just doesn’t know it yet!
Chapter 1 - Freya
Sheer joy rockets through me as I stare at the picture Nathan is showing me. I look good in it! Certainly less ‘pop princess’ than I did on the cover of my first album, which is perfect. Just what I want. This new look will fit the raw direction that my music is going on. I am so lucky to have a manager that listens to me.
“You are a genius, Nathan,” I squeal while clapping my hands together with excitement. “The pink streaks in my hair are just as awesome as you said they were going to be. They look great with the platinum blonde.”
“It’s the make up as well!” He grins. “The darker, edgier black really brings out the green of your eyes.”
My lips stretch from ear to ear. The grin is almost cracking my face apart. I have to admit that I was afraid when I first signed with Nathan’s agency. Singing is all that I have ever wanted to do since I was a little girl. I even used to put on shows for my friends and family. Much as it was now a dream come true, it was a scary thought though to give myself over completely to someone else. It was basically like signing my life away. I have seen all the horror stories of talented women having their dreams destroyed by managers who want them to be a certain way. Basically, a cash cow with their breasts hanging out and their music taking second fiddle to their sexuality. But Nathan has proven himself not to be that. He has listened to me and respected me all along the way.
“The fans that you already have will love all of this,” Nathan continues. “But as we discussed before, we need to stretch out and show the rest of the world who you are. These new songs that you have written will attract a new audience and increase your sales… if we can get you in front of the right people.”
I clap my hands together with excitement. “I can already tell that you have a plan for this, Nathan.”
“Yes, I’m in touch with a few bands. I will find one for you to support on the tour. Now, this will be a much bigger and rowdier crowd than you’re used to. So I need to check before I proceed with that, if you will be okay with it? The last thing that I want is to put you in a position that you’re uncomfortable with.”
I grab Nathan on the arm and stare in his eyes. “Trust me, I’m ready. I’ve been ready ever since I signed with you and I want to keep getting bigger and bigger. I want this, I need it…”
“Alright, alright…” He stops me in my tracks. “I get it. I know. I will get this sorted for you. You don’t need to worry; you can trust me to get this sorted. You know that, don’t you?” I nod while chewing down on my bottom lip. “Right, so you have the “Good Afternoon with Sarah” interview in a moment. You all good for that?”
Ooh, I like “Good Afternoon with Sarah”, she has always been very supportive of me, right through the beginning.
I leap up and salute him playfully. “Like I told you, I’m ready for anything. Is the car outside?”
“It is. And I have Linda there waiting for you in the hair and makeup department. She’s got you a kick ass outfit for this performance, complete with a leather jacket, just to show people that this is a new Freya.”
I clutch my hands to my chest, so pleased. This is wonderful. I loved the last album that I worked on, but this one definitely feels like more me. More of the songs that I used to perform when I was a child.
“I hope you’ll be watching.” I pat him on the back. “Because I’ll be killing it just for you.”
Nathan pulls me in for a hug. “The public loves you, Freya. Of course, you will kill it. Honestly, I have managed many acts, but no one has ever been as marketable as you. I haven’t met a damn person who doesn’t like you.”
“You obviously haven’t ever looked at my Twitter account then!” I laugh. “Because as much as there are a hundred comments and mentions of people who love me, there are still dozens who don’t.”
“Yet you don’t ever let that bother you, do you? It’s so impressive how you always rise above it.”
“I can’t.” I shrug. “If I do, then I will fall apart at the seams. I just focus on the positive.”
“And that’s why everyone loves you. Now, it’s time for you to start making the people who haven’t really heard of you to love you as well.” Nathan smiles. “I have absolutely all the confidence in the world that you will do that.”
I practically skip to the car that is waiting for me outside Nathan’s office, flickering my new hair behind my shoulders. As the car takes me to the TV studio to sing my new song, I allow my eyes to slide closed to just experience a bit of gratitude for the position I am in right now. When I was a young teenager, praying that this would eventually become my life, I vowed to myself that if it ever did happen, I wouldn’t take it for granted. Even now that I’m in the middle of the inner pop star circuit, I see others who I consider as having it all acting like divas because it isn’t enough. They have become greedy and will always want more… but that isn’t ever going to be me. I won’t let my head float in the clouds and start thinking that I’m better than what I am. I will always have my feet planted firmly on the ground. Never let pride come in my way to ruin myself.
Sweat might be dripping from me, my voice might feel raw, my body aching, but I’m on top of the world. The interview at “Good Afternoon with Sarah” followed by the performance of my new song went really well. Amazingly actually, better than I what I had hoped, and now judging by all of the comments made online, the public loved it fully. I’m seeing brand new names in my Twitter, which is wonderful.
“You kicked ass!” Linda declares while brushing out my hair. “Honestly, you have such talent, and I love your new music. It’s amazing. I definitely feel like we’re seeing the real you. More so anyway.”
“Oh, you are,” I giggle. “And since I’m already writing album number three, you should see even more!”
“You’re like a never ending battery!” she chuckles. “You don’t stop, do you? I don’t think that I have ever seen you rest. Even when you have one project doing well, you are on to the next thing. But then I guess that’s why you have found success so quickly and why you will keep on growing all the time.”
I part my lips, about to thank her for her kind remarks when my cell phone blasts out and I notice Nathan’s name on the screen. Without me even needing to ask her, Linda excuses herself just in case this is a conversation that I need to have in private. I hit the answer button, hoping that he hasn’t spotted a mistake.
“Hey there, Freya!” Nathan declares as soon as I pick up, before I can even talk. “You were amazing on TV, just what I expected. And actually, your performance led to some great news. Blood Red Masters got back to me. Or at least their manager did. They are about to go on tour and want you to support them.”
My pulse picks up about ten notches. I might not know much about the band because I’ve been absorbed in my own music world recently, but it’s a name that I know which has to be a good sign.
“You think that’s going to go well?” I ask, almost shuddering with delight. “Would I fit in?”
“Oh, sweet Freya, of course you will! You are everything. This is going to be perfect. I will email you all of the details in a moment, so you know the dates and what to expect, but this is great news. This is exactly the direction that you want to go in and it’s one I know that you can do well.”
I squeal once we have said our goodbyes and I have hung up on Nathan which causes Linda to race back to me. The fear in her eyes transforms to confusion as she sees that this is clea
rly good news.
“Nathan just told me that I’m going on tour, supporting Blood Red Masters.”
“Oh my God!” Linda’s eyebrows pop towards her forehead. “Seriously? That’s big news. They are awesome. And pretty huge as well. You will be wonderful at that. Plus, you get to spend time with the very sexy Alex Smith.” She nudges me playfully. “If you don’t fall in love with him the moment that you meet him, I will be very surprised. He’s one of those intoxicating, moody, mysterious rock boys that you just want to strip!”
I laugh and roll my eyes. “Linda, I’m not going on tour to fall in love with some rock boy.”
“Look him up. Research him now. Look at some photos online and watch some of his performances. I bet you will change your mind then. Trust me, there is a reason that the whole world is falling for him…”
I can’t help it, curiosity gets the better of me, so before I get changed back into my normal clothing, I do as Linda suggests and I research this man. Blood Red Masters and Alex Smith.
Wow. The moment I find a picture of him, I have to admit that I get a funny stirring in the pit of my stomach. Possibly a little lower as well. He really is hot with his warm brown eyes and dark shaggy hair, his tattoos covering his muscular body. He’s the sort of man that I can just imagine is incredible in bed. Who knows what he’s doing and isn’t afraid to make a woman crumble with desire. I bet he’s like no other man I have ever been with, who really have been too bland for me to even remember them, but that still doesn’t mean that I’m going to fall in love. I can’t, I’m here for my career and that’s all I really need to care about right now.
But then it’s time for me to watch the band playing live, and my resolve weakens all over again. Blood Red Masters are actually incredible. Simply amazing. The way Alex is singing from his soul touches me in a way that music hasn’t done in a very long time. I suppose that’s because I’ve been in a manufactured world. Not like this. But this is where I need to be, this is what will take me to the very next level. I can’t wait for this.
“See what I mean?” Linda asks with a knowing tone to her voice. “It’s impossible not to fall in love with him. And this is just through your phone screen. Have a think of what he will be like in person.”
I don’t know if I want to think about it. It’s all too much. I haven’t even thought about my romantic life in the last eighteen months because I don’t want things to get complicated. I have been more than happy alone. I certainly don’t want that to change because of some rock boy who will only break my heart.
“You don’t need to worry about me,” I reply tartly. “I will be fine. I’m not going to fall in love.”
The look in Linda’s eyes suggests that she doesn’t believe me… but she’ll see…
Chapter 2 - Alex
My heart shatters as I look at the happiness in my eyes while my arm slings around the woman beside me for a sneaky picture. A picture that no one would ever be able to see but me. An image that was supposed to keep me warm in the dead of night when she wasn’t lying in my bed beside me. How could she ever be lying in bed beside me when she didn’t ever belong to me?
I was so wrong to fall in love with Mandy when I knew that she was dating my brother. Especially when I come from such a close-knit family of brothers who tell each other anything. Our parents were killed in a crash when we were young, meaning that Brad, Oliver, Angelo, Wesley, Nelson, and me have only ever had each other, so keeping secrets isn’t part of our dynamic. Or at least it wasn’t until Mandy came along.
I didn’t know that I could fall in love. I haven’t ever been into anything serious. Anything long term to take me off track of the musical career that I have always wanted. But the moment that I saw her, the foundation that my life had been built upon shattered and fell away. Whatever kept me connected to the planet before vanished into nothingness and I became infatuated with her. So obsessed and deeply in love that I would have given anything to be with her. It was just a shame that she couldn’t ever be mine because she was dating Angelo.
Angelo isn’t just my brother. He’s my twin brother, the closest of them all. The one person that I shouldn’t ever betray. So, it didn’t matter that if I had some strong feelings for Mandy, none of those made any difference. I had to keep away for the sake of my family. And I tried, I really did. I did everything that I could to keep away from Mandy. It killed me, it was sheer destruction in my stomach, but I did what I needed to do… for as long as I could.
But then she came at me. She came at me hard. Mandy made it very obvious that she wanted me too, she even told me that she was in love with me, and I couldn’t help it. I fell into her arms, pathetically, needily, and I betrayed everything and everyone in my life. I thought that we were eventually going to be together. I knew that it was going to cause a big fall-out, which was why I didn’t push her to break up with Angelo as much as I should have done, but I assumed that I was going to end up with her eventually.
But Mandy never did break up with Angelo, it exploded in a different way, and now my life is a mess. I hate myself for what I did to Angelo, even if he is such an amazing person who has choose to forgive me from his heart but I can’t forgive myself. I have also lost Mandy and the love that we once shared. Even now that she isn’t with Angelo, we can’t be together which is something that I wish I had seen at the time. I could have saved a lot of heart ache if I had. Not only is it too much for me ever to go anywhere near her now, it turns out that she didn’t ever really want me. The love was a lie, our future wasn’t ever going to happen, she seems to be more of a thrill seeker than anything else. I was just someone who she choose to fuck to betray Angelo. Just for a bit of fun. And I wasn’t the only one. She wasn’t in it with me because she couldn’t help herself because she adored me so much, I was just there.
Now, according to social media, she is with someone else, and it seems like more than one person. Much as I don’t want to keep stalking her online, I can’t stop myself. That is my new obsession. Just like these pictures on my phone which remind me of what I used to have. Even if I look at myself as I see how stupid I was back then, I can also see a happiness that I’m never going to be able to get with anyone else.
I had my one chance at love, and I blew it. Now, I am destined to spend the rest of my miserable life alone.
“Alex!” Gary, the bassist in my band, Blood Red Masters, calls out to me. “Are you okay?”
He’s the glue that holds our band together, and he’s been nothing but concerned about me ever since things went wrong. I suppose it’s nice to know that I have support and I’m not alone but it’s also a killer when I don’t want to talk about it. I would much prefer to sink into my misery in peace, thank you very much.
“Sure, what do you want?” I growl back while grabbing the bottle of gin nearest to me. It’s almost empty, which is a shame because it means I’m going to have to get my sorry ass up to grab another drink. The pain hasn’t been numbed yet, which means I need to knock back so much more before I can stop.
“I don’t want anything.” Gary comes into the view and his face falls. I can see the disappointment in his eyes at the bottle clutched tightly between my fingers, which is just another thing that I now need to drink away. “Just to check up on you, that’s all. You know that I care about you, Alex. You don’t need to push me away.”
“Yeah, and you don’t need to baby sit me either.” I know I’m taking out my anger on the wrong people, but I can’t stop.
“I care just as much about Rachel. I check up on her as well…”
“Then check up on her right now!” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “Stop bothering me.”
I turn away and glug the gin back, not even blanching as the burning hits the back of my throat. It’s a welcome sensation these days, one that I look forward to. If only it would hit me hard enough that I wouldn’t be bothered by Gary still behind me, his eyes still trying to work out why I’m acting in the way that I am.
“What
do you want?” I snap in temper. “Why are you still here, Gary? I just asked you to leave me alone.”
“I know, but there are some things that I want to talk to you about. Band stuff, nothing personal…”
I turn back and eye him curiously, silently inviting him to sit with me. If he wants to talk to me about work, then I can listen. It gives me something to focus on rather than Mandy who I would love not to think about ever again given half the chance. Not that I’m doing such a good job of pushing that away.
“I just wanted to let you know that we have someone a bit different supporting us for the next tour. Someone to bring in different fans for us and for her as well, so it’s going to be a bit of an experiment.”
I snort with derision, letting Gary know my opinion of that without even talking. I don’t really care. It isn’t that much of an issue, but I’m sure we will be more helping her than vice versa.
“Her name is Freya Brown, but her stage name is just Freya. I don’t know if you have heard any of her old music, it’s very pop, but she’s turning in a new direction and becoming a bit more rock.”
“Oh God,” I groaned. “So, she’s going to be a rock chick wannabe? Urgh, that’s just perfect, that’s what you think, right?”
“Well, like I said,” Gary continues carefully. “It is going to be a bit of a change. But I really think that we can make this work, don’t you? We can use it to our advantage…” He can see that he clearly isn’t getting through to me, so he changes tactic. “It might be nice for Rachel to have another woman around here.”
“Yeah, whatever.” I don’t know what it is, but this change of conversation just shuts my brain off. I can’t be bothered to talk anymore. All I really want to do is head out to the nearest bar. “Well, let’s just see how it goes then, shall we? See how Rachel gets on with the pop princess. I, quite frankly, don’t give a shit.”
I press the bottle to my lips, but before any of the liquid can slide down my throat, Gary knocks the bottle away from me, causing it to splash everywhere. A red hot bolt of anger rockets through me, a mist descends, I can feel the temper creeping up through me, about to explode like a fire work in a moment.