by Brenda Ford
Urgh, this is all too much for me. I don’t know how to stomach it. I don’t even want to know what I spoke to this stranger about. I can barely stand the idea of it. But that’s not as bad as the concept of Freya fearing for me. Worrying that I am going to choke to death on my vomit. My friends have given up caring about me because I’m such a mess. Even my family don’t seem to be too bothered, not that I can blame them, so why her?
“Anyway. I can go…” She backs away, heading towards the door like she’s frightened I might snap at her. “If you don’t want me around anymore. I know you probably need to recover, or whatever.”
She grabs the door knob and starts to twist it, but something stops her. She waits for just a couple of seconds, looking at me. I really feel like those eyes recognize something in me that no one else sees. That I don’t even see in myself. It’s scary. There are lots of bits of me that I don’t want seen.
“Unless you want to go down for breakfast together?” she finally offers. “The breakfast buffet is supposed to be amazing here. I guess you are more used to hotel food than I am, but I’m excited for it.”
The way that she laughs is adorable and sweet. My heart skips about ten beats at the sound, which has to be something linked to the hang over. It might be me about to puke. I haven’t quite figured that much out yet. I slip my eyes closed and do what I can to steady my breathing. The last thing that I want to do is lose my mind. I don’t know how much of myself I have shown to Freya, I sure as shit don’t want her to see more.
“I don’t think that it’s a good idea for me and you to start hanging out like we’re friends, do you?” I shoot back coldly. “Because we definitely aren’t ever going to be that. I don’t know what you think is happening here, but I want to make it clear right now that I don’t have any room for more friends.”
“I see.” Her eyes drop to the floor, but still she doesn’t leave. “I didn’t know that breakfast meant friends.”
“Well… well, I didn’t know that I need to be baby sat. But you took it upon yourself anyway.”
My breaths are falling out of my mouth raggedly now. My lungs ache with the need for air. There is something about Freya that has me off guard now, and I don’t know if it’s just because she is the first woman that I have woken up with in a very long time. It’s weird and uncomfortable, it makes me want to go back home.
“I just wanted to make sure that you were okay, that’s all. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Her words soften my mood a little, as does the sad little look in her eyes. I don’t like lashing out all of the time, I know that I’m hurting people, but I can’t seem to stop. Yet, there is something about Freya that makes me want to say something nice to her. Perhaps it’s because she’s the last person to care about me.
At least, she is for now. I’m sure it won’t be long until I find a way to push her away as well.
“Breakfast, you say?” I ask with a cocked eyebrow, my hand resting on my stomach. “I suppose I could eat.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes light up. God, she actually wants to spend time with me. This is so weird. “Cool, let’s go.”
I watch her walk out the room and towards the elevator without even worrying about how she looks, which is refreshing. In her outfit from the night before, her hair un-brushed, and no make-up on her face, she is willing to face the world. Or the people in this hotel at least. She’s easily beautiful enough to pull it off. Even if her make-up free picture was in every magazine and newspaper tomorrow, she wouldn’t lose face at all, but it’s just crazy to see her act that way. I guess I have been so used to Mandy who always needed to look a certain way. Even if me and her could only meet and fuck in the shadows, she had to look perfect. It’s just a shame that her behavior didn’t fit in the same pattern. She doesn’t seem to think that her behavior matters at all…
Not that I’m thinking about Mandy anymore. I need to push her away from my brain and carry on. Carry on apparently going to breakfast with this woman who I don’t even know or particularly like. Then again, ever since Mandy left my life and I have been in a bit of a tail spin, I have come to expect the unexpected. Perhaps while I’m eating with this woman, she can fill me in with whatever the hell happened last night and maybe what I have to do today. It sure as shit beats sitting around and feeling sorry for myself anyway…
“Wow, that’s quite a musical journey.” I smile at Freya across the table as I butter some more toast. “All the way from doing performances in your living room to a big stage. It’s exciting.”
“I thought that everyone was like that!” she laughs. “Didn’t you put on little shows for your family?”
“Actually no.” All of a sudden, my face falls. “Because my parents died when I was young. Under five years old actually. So, we were raised by an uncle for a while, then my oldest brother, Brad, who was a lot older than the rest of us. It was a crazy life. I mean, there are six of us, so it was always wild and busy. I didn’t really have time to perform in front of everyone else. Also, my parents left behind a company that I assumed I would work for. I thought that I would always work for that business. I even tried really hard in school to make that happen, but it didn’t work out for me, as you can tell, so I went with my passion instead.”
She nods slowly, drinking all of this in. I wonder what she thinks about me now. If she still sees me in the same way. I definitely don’t see her as I did when I first met her. But I guess that’s because I was so shit drunk then. I didn’t even really know her, and now I do, just a little bit. I still don’t think that she fits in with us, but she isn’t the worst person in the world. I can tolerate to have her around. I will just need to ensure that she doesn’t have to pick me up off the floor again and take me to bed. I don’t want that humiliation again.
“That’s good, I am a big believer in using passion to get what you want in life.”
“Hmmm, me too.” I smile brightly at her, glad that we share something in common. “Since you spend so much of your time working, why not make it something you enjoy, huh?”
“Exactly! Yes, I agree with that. Otherwise, it’s pretty much a loveless life, isn’t it?”
She sips her coffee and watches me once more, seeing right into me. Only this time I don’t mind. I’m not too bothered that she can see me, because I don’t feel like I’m being judged. I feel like I’m just being acknowledged. It’s been a long time since someone acknowledged me without knowing the whole bullshit story of being me.
I almost want to tell Freya that I’m glad she dragged me from my sorry pit of sadness towards breakfast, but I keep those words inside. I don’t want to make this weird by adding any feelings into the mix.
Chapter 7 - Freya
Every so often I glance my eyes towards Alex as the tour bus takes us to our next destination, smiling to myself. Now that I have spent a little bit of time with him and I have seen that there is so much more to him, I don’t dislike him as much as I once did. I actually believe that there might be a nice person there underneath.
He’s just a man that’s been hurt. Sure, I don’t have a damn clue what has really happened to him, just little snippets that he told me while he was drunk, but it seems that he’s had his heart broken and he did some stupid stuff for love. Okay, so I haven’t ever had feelings deep enough to do anything stupid but I’m sure that it’s possible. Isn’t that what ninety nine percent of love songs are about? Acting crazy for ‘the one’? Your behavior being justified because you’re so much in love that you just can’t help yourself? So, I can understand his guilt and pain. Sort of. I can see that there is a lot more to him than meets the eye, anyway.
“You less nervous tonight?” Rachel asks me as she lies back on her bottom bunk bed. “Since you did so amazing last night. You must have more confidence about it, right?”
“Yeah, I think so.” I nod and grin. “Yes, I think that I might be more confident actually.”
It helps that I have had a million and one nice messages from Nathan ab
out my performance last night. He has been watching my online stream and seeing the YouTube uploads, and is over the moon for me. I know that Nathan would tell me if I’d fucked up as well. He’s a great manager like that. So, the fact that the fans seem to like me, the Internet is going wild for my performance, and everyone else is being great and supportive as well, only serves to reassure me that I am doing well, and this is working for me.
“Good.” Rachel turns and grins at me, her eyes shining with happiness. “I have been Tweeting out the link to your album and kissing your ass online, so I really hope that helps you.”
I reach across and high five her. “Rachel, you really are a freaking legend. I hope you know that.”
I feel eyes prickling over me and I turn to see Alex smiling at me. He looks less bleary eyed than before which suggests to me that he hasn’t been drinking… yet anyway. I really hope he doesn’t as well. He’s a much better person when he isn’t wasted. I would also much prefer to see him play sober as well. To know what he’s like when he’s fully by himself. I try my hardest to silently communicate that with him, but I don’t know if that sinks in. I’m not sure that one breakfast together means that we have that kind of bond yet. Maybe soon…
As I leave the stage from the sound check, I notice my cell phone screen lit up. I race to it and grab it quickly, to see my mom’s name on the screen. I hit the answer button, excited to speak to her.
“Hi, Mom! Sorry, have you been calling for long? I was just up on stage…”
“Oh no, don’t worry. I know how busy you are. You’re traveling the country, living your dream. I just wanted to let you know that me and your father are back off the cruise now, so it’ll be easier to contact us.”
Those words make my chest heat up with a deep happiness. I know that my parents love being out in the water, and that cruises are their dream, but I do prefer it when they are on land because it means that I can talk to them whenever I want. Nothing can get too hard for me when my mom is on the other end of the line.
“How was your cruise? Did you have the best time? It feels like you have been gone forever…”
I sink into the nearest seat as I listen to my mother talking about Thailand and all the incredible things that they saw there. It allows me to drag my mind out of all the dramas surrounding me for a little respite.
“Anyway, how are things with you? You’re supporting some vampire rock band, aren’t you?”
“Vampire?” I demand. “What on earth are you talking about? Is that because of the name?”
“Blood something… it doesn’t exactly sound nice, does it? Not like I would expect for you.”
“Blood Red Masters. The name makes them sound more vampire like then they are.” I laugh. “They are actually really good. Rock music, but not so heavy that you can’t understand them.”
“And they suit you?” Mom asks, totally unsure. “They are helping you to go in the right direction.”
“Oh, they are. There is some awesome stuff happening. The Blood Red Masters fans really like me.”
As I fill Mom in on everything that’s going on with me right now, a strong sense of pride overcomes me. I am happy that I have gotten this far and discussing it with my mother helps to ground me like I want. It reminds me of where I once was and where I have come. A journey that I never want to forget. In the background, Blood Red Masters start doing their sound check as well, which lifts my mood even more. I really am in the best place.
“Wow, that all sounds amazing, sweetie,” Mom coos. “I’m so glad that things are good. You will keep in touch with us, won’t you? Let us know how things are going. And if you come near home, let me know so we can come and see you. Even if it means we have to watch the vampire band at the same time.”
I laugh loudly and say goodbye to my mom, now with another boost to get me through tonight, to make this show the best that it has ever been. I’m going to kick even more ass than before, and I can’t wait.
“Who are those guys?” I whisper to Rachel as I wait in the green room which has become so crowded with strangers. It certainly isn’t the relaxing atmosphere before a show that I had last time.
“Ah, the Smith brothers,” Rachel laughs. “All of them in one go, which should be a rare sight but is growing increasingly common by the moment. Did you know that Alex came from such a big family?”
“Well, he did say something about it. His parents died and he was raised by…”
“Brad.” Rachel points to the one who does seem quite a lot older than the rest of them. I watch him for a moment, trying to imagine what life must have been like for him raising all of his younger siblings. It couldn’t have been easy. But it seems to me like he hasn’t done a bad job. “And then next to him is Oliver, the second youngest brother, although he’s about thirteen years younger than Brad…” I want to ask how that happened, but I’m too intrigued by what Rachel is telling me to interrupt her. “Then over by the coffee machine is Nelson and Wesley. And Angelo, Alex’s twin although it’s hard to tell since they look nothing alike, is there.”
There is a real softness to Rachel’s tone as she talks about Angelo, which really interests me. I wonder if she has a crush on him or something. Maybe they are even together, which would be nice. I can tell that they would be a nice couple. But there is a much more important question that I need to ask first…
“Why are they all here? Haven’t they only just seen Alex before the tour started?”
“Well, I could tell you that they are really supportive, and they just like to see the band playing, but I’m pretty sure that you have seen enough now to know that they are just worried about him.”
Knowing that there is an issue with Alex’s drinking and seeing all of his brothers around him trying to make his life better makes it that much more real. It’s sad and reminds me that while I have seen a nicer side to Alex, that isn’t all of him. There is the nasty drunken side to him which is hard. But then he hasn’t always been this way, has he? This hasn’t always been him. That’s pretty much what he told me.
“Okay, so we might see more of them.” I smile thinly at Rachel. “Sounds fun.”
“Don’t worry. They might seem intimidating, but they are alright once you get to know them.” She pats me on the arm. “And if you stick around for long enough, you will see that.”
She immediately heads towards Angelo and starts talking to him, causing Brad and Oliver to join in their conversation as well. Alex stands beside them, looking a little awkward as he does. I glance back to Wesley and Nelson who are now deep in a chat with Hank and Gary, leaving me by myself. Standing on the side, the stranger who no one else knows. Since I am far too intimidated to join any of those conversations, I sidle outside and step towards the nearest hallway for a little moment alone to get my head around everything. I need to get my head in the game so I can focus on my performance that’s about to come, rather than the Smith family.
“Sorry, we’re a bit too much, aren’t we?” a friendly voice calls out to me, joining me in the hallway. “I know that every time the Smith family get together, it’s too much noise to think straight.” He steps closer to me. “I’m Angelo, by the way. Alex’s twin brother. I don’t know if he’s told you about me.”
I nod and extend my hand to shake his. “Nice to meet you. I’m Freya.”
“Hi, Freya. How are you enjoying the madness of the tour? I bet it’s a bit too much, isn’t it?”
He leans on the wall next to me and smiles. I can tell that he’s a great person who is actually interested in me and what I have to say. Rachel is right, one on one, they aren’t too much at all!
“It’s good. It’s really good actually. I’m enjoying my time with the band.”
“Alex isn’t… you know, being too much, is he? I am sure you have seen things.”
“He’s fine,” I reply loyally, almost completely forgetting that he was so horrible about me. “Not too bad.”
“Right. Good.” Angelo nods slowly. “I hope that
he is because I can’t stop myself from worrying about him. Knowing that he’s been so hard on himself and that self-hatred is crushing him is really hard for me. I can’t do anything, which sucks. All I want is to be able to help him get out of this hole.”
Angelo’s honesty is overwhelming. He might think that I have seen things, but he doesn’t know how much I know and don’t know. I suck in a breath and hold it while I consider this, really thinking about Alex and what he’s going through. Whatever the hell happened to him; however he got his heart broken, it has really messed him up. It’s changed him in a way that no one should ever have to experience.
What can I do? I immediately wonder. How can I help Alex where Angelo can’t?
But I don’t know if I can. I’m not sure that he will let me in that much. Ever. And I also have my career to think about as well. I have spent my entire life focusing on getting to the top and I can’t let someone else derail that. Even if they are in pain…
Chapter 8 - Alex
I hide my staggering as much as I can while I make my way off stage. Since my brothers are here, watching me from the audience and back stage, I need to be show my best behavior because otherwise they will kick off. I already know that they are here to check on me, I’m not some kind of an idiot, and I don’t want to ignite their worries and make it worse. I would rather have the rest of the tour by myself. To deal with this by myself. The way that’s best. I won’t be able to recover from all of this pain with my reminder here.