Men in Control: Special pack: The Smith Brothers Series

by Brenda Ford

  I reach across and rest my hand on top of his, unsure what else I can do. All the jigsaw pieces are now fitting together, I can see why he’s so full of self-hatred and struggling with everything. I can see why booze feels like the only relief for him. I can’t blame him for that, or anything that he’s done.

  “I don’t think you need to feel that way,” I tell him softly. “I know that there isn’t anything that I can say to drag you from your pain, because only you can do that. But as an outsider who is looking at this objectively, I don’t think you can beat yourself up forever about one mistake. And it is that. None of us are perfect. We all do stupid things and accidently hurt other people in the process. But it’s how we move on from that which defines us. It’s how we make up for our errors and how we face them that is important.”

  As Alex looks at me, I hope that at least some of my words are sinking in. I don’t know if they will be the words to help him, but I could do with kicking him in to action just a little bit. He needs that, he deserves that. This man is a good guy deep down, this one error made for love doesn’t define him, he just needs to stop letting it make him who he has become. One way or another, he needs to come out the other side…

  I sit by my hotel window, staring out at the strange city below me, wondering what tonight will bring. I really hope that it’s good, but I can’t guarantee it. I watched Alex as much as I could as the tour bus took us from the hotel with the beautiful gardens to our new place, and I didn’t notice him drinking, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. I suppose it’s too much to assume that he will change overnight anyway.

  “He’s lovely though,” I whisper quietly. “Pretty much the perfect man.”

  I think about this woman that he loved so much that he risked everything for her, and I wonder if she knew what she had. A guy so totally devoted to her. A hot guy as well. A rock star. The sort of man who could have anyone in the world and he fell for her… then all she did was chuck him away.

  I wish that someone would like me in that way. It’s the dream, isn’t it? To have a guy fall so hard that he worships the ground that you walk on. I know for sure that I would like that. I’d like it to be him who feels that way about me as well. Objectively, not in a way that suggests I’m catching feelings or anything, he’s a great guy to have love me. He’s the sort of man that I could, hypothetically, want to be with. Well, sober anyway.

  I tilt my head back and imagine that little fantasy coming to life. Me and Alex. Sober Alex loving me like he loves this Mandy. Looking at me like I am the only woman alive on the planet. The only one who matters. In my imagination, Alex is coming towards me again and kissing me… only this time, I don’t pull away. I grab him around the back of the neck, and I drag him the rest of the way to me. As his imaginary lips connect to mine, every cell inside of my body tears apart. I become raw and vulnerable for him, and I love it.

  Alex has been vulnerable in front of me, I fucking love being the same for him.

  “Oh shit,” I whisper as the fluttering at my core suddenly becomes overwhelming. It’s almost as if I have been building myself up, thrilling myself and gearing up for desire for ages, and only now that I’m accepting it, it flies free. It needs release, it’s insane. Without thinking much about it, I slip my eager fingers in to my panties and I graze my hand over my clit. My hypersensitive nub that it pretty much on fire. “Fucking hell, Alex.”

  I practically feel him peeling my clothing off, piece by piece, tickling over every inch of my skin as it becomes naked for him. I feel his soulful eyes all over me, drinking me in with desire and excitement as he imagines what it will be like to be with me, just as I am him. Just as always have been since I first met him, if I’m truthful.

  My fingers plunge deep into me, and I picture it as him, fucking me with his own hand. Little whimpers fly out of my throat as I replace his hand in my mind with his thick, throbbing cock. I just know that this sexy as fuck rock star knows exactly what he’s doing with a woman’s body, and that’s what I consider as he fills me up.

  “Fuck, Alex, you are…” I continue delving my fingers in to me, using my thumb to trace patterns over my clit, all the while imagining that it’s him. If I can’t have him in real life, then I can really explore his body here. “You are too much. You are everything. I want… I want you so bad…”

  The pressure of pleasure builds. I stiffen as it takes over me, pushing me towards the knife edge of desire. But I keep on massaging myself at the same time, just as I imagine Alex would. He doesn’t seem like the sort of man who would make me wait for that pleasure. He would make me feel it over and over again, orgasms rolling over me until my body is spent and I can’t move anymore. I’m just his.

  “Fuck, Alex!” I scream as I buck and writhe, the orgasm rolling over me in waves. “Alex, oh my God.”

  I imagine him taking me in every position, fucking me in every way imaginable, sending my body to heaven over and over until I can’t take it anymore. I live every inch of it, and it’s incredible. If only things could be different, and this could be real instead of just in my head.

  If only…

  Chapter 14 - Alex

  Shit, she’s good! I think to myself in amazement as I lean against the side of the stage, watching Freya out there singing. With only the buzz of a couple of secret beers in my system, just to keep me going, this is the first time I can actually remember watching her sing and I’m blown away. She’s definitely not the pop princess I assumed she was when she first joined us on tour, she’s actually really cool and talented.

  “She’s great, isn’t she?” Rachel asks as she stands close beside me and smiles. “I just love her. After watching her on that first night that she was on tour with her, I immediately bought her album for my cell phone. Both of them actually. But the first one isn’t really her; you can tell. It’s good, you can still tell that she has an incredible talent, but these songs are much more the artist that she has always wanted to become.”

  I nod and agree with Rachel while trying to discretely slide away from her. She might be acting like she is trying to just have a conversation with me, but I can tell that isn’t her only motive. She wants to check up on me before we go on stage to check that I haven’t been drinking. For me, a couple of beers doesn’t class as drinking. There isn’t a strong alcohol content in them, and I don’t get a good buzz from it, but I don’t think that Rachel will feel the same way. Nor will Gary. I’m sure for them, any alcohol is bad. But I’m doing my best. It isn’t like I’m not trying. It’s taken every bit of my strength to stay as sober as I am. I’m sure it will take time anyway. Tapering off the booze slowly will be the best way for success anyway. I’m sure of it.

  “Yes, she’s amazing. She actually fits in really well with our band, doesn’t she? I’m sure the fans of us must love her as well. I bet this has been really good for Freya and her career.”

  Funny how that doesn’t affect me in the negative way that it once did. When I first thought of Freya gaining fame from us, I assumed it was her mooching. But now I’m simply happy for her, nothing more. I was wrong about Freya in so many ways, just like I have been wrong about lots of things in my life.

  “Oh yes, for sure. They all love her because she’s bringing something a bit different in to the world, isn’t she? She has a fresh voice and a cool way of delivering her message. I really like her.” Rachel darts her eyes backwards. “Oh, I think that it might be time to get ready for our set. I need to get myself sorted.”

  “Yeah, yeah, you go. I will just watch Freya for a little while longer.”

  I can sense Rachel looking at me questioningly, but I don’t turn to see what she’s thinking. Mostly because I don’t want to know. I have had enough of the opinions of others on my life. Eventually, she seems to sense that, and she turns to go, leaving me watching the woman that I should have given a chance to. I kicked off, I yelled at Gray and Hank telling them that they had made all kinds of mistakes, and I hadn’t even seen her. I didn’t
watch her play. I didn’t witness how talented she is. I just judged a book by its cover, and I fucked up.

  “Just another one to add to my list,” I mutter with a shaking head. “The list that keeps on growing.”

  I don’t leave where I am, even if I should get myself ready to go on stage myself, because I’m so intoxicated by Freya. I just want to watch her until the very last second. I want to see every inch of her living out her passion. I chuckle to myself, imagining her as a kid doing little shows for her family, preparing herself to be on a stage just like this one. And now she is. Living out that dream, not allowing it to be ruined by me.

  “I won’t wreck it for you either,” I silently promise her. “I will be better to help you too.”

  Finally, it’s time for her to leave the stage – not that the crowd want her to go – and I wait for her to exit. I am still very aware that I should check how I look to be certain that I am presentable for the stage, but I can’t move. I just want to watch her until the very last second, to drink every part of her performance in.

  “Oh!” she gasps as soon as she spots me watching her from the back stage area. “What are you doing here?”

  “Watching you.” I grin. “And you were absolutely incredible out there. Just wow. So cool, so talented.”

  “Oh yeah?” Her hands rest on her lips and she cocks a knowing eyebrow at me. “You liked watching me out there, huh? You think that I was good? You liked all of my songs?”

  Uh oh. I can sense that this is going somewhere and I’m sure I won’t like where. “Yes, I did.”

  “Ah, I see Because I recall a time when you called me a talentless bubble pop bitch.”

  “I said that?” I gulp the ball of anxious bile down. “I don’t remember saying that.”

  I do remember being a dick, but I’m afraid to admit this and to make thigs worse when I should have apologized a long time ago. I hope that she will let me get away with this, even if it’s a crappy excuse.

  “Well, you said it when I first arrived to join you on tour. Some of it directly to me. Some of it to other people but loud enough for me to overhear. I think you were pretty happy for me to know that you weren’t keen on me at all and that was funny, because you hadn’t heard me sing then. You didn’t know what I was like.”

  There is a bit of anger in her words, I can tell that my behavior hurt her, but she isn’t trying to upset me with this. She doesn’t want to hurt me any more than I can hurt myself. Which is nice, actually. She is happy to tease me and treat me like I am a normal friend of hers. She’s treating me like I’m not a fucking mess.

  “Well, I apologize for saying such stupid things about you. I was an asshole, obviously.”

  “Yes.” She nods, acting like she’s being deadly serious. “That’s what I thought as well.”

  “Are you trying to tell me that you didn’t make any immediate judgments about me?”

  “Of course not!” Her answer doesn’t surprise me, and actually I believe her. I can’t imagine her being a judgmental asshole like me. “I did the sensible thing and watched some videos of you online before I came on tour with you. I wasn’t about to come on tour with a band that I hadn’t seen before.”

  “Ah! Now, that’s where you’re more sensible than me.” She laughs. “But what about when you met me?”

  “You were drunk,” she bites back. “You were drunk, so I couldn’t judge you on that.”

  Woah. Now that makes me feel like I might throw up because I have been such a shit and she has been amazing. She didn’t even pick up on me being a dick in the first place, despite the fact that I obviously was. There are a lot of people who have been in my life for years, and I don’t feel like they have been as supportive and kind as Freya. There is something about her that draws me in, that makes me never want to let her go. I can’t even begin to think about what my life will be like when this tour is over, and this woman isn’t in my life anymore. She might have been a stranger not so long ago, but now my chest gets tight with the idea of losing her.

  She will go on with her career, supporting other bands, doing her own shows, meeting other people… better people, and I will still be missing her, I just know it. I think that I have proven to myself that I don’t let things go easily, and I can already tell that Freya is going to be that. Someone I hold on to forever.

  As I gaze in to her eyes, everything that I have clung on to for such a long time melts away. There are things that I didn’t think I would ever be able to let go of, but they just don’t seem important as these piercing green eyes stare in to my soul. Nothing else matters other than her…

  I don’t know what happens really. I can’t explain it. One moment I am simply looking at Freya and feeling free as other things vanish, the next moment the gap between us has closed. I don’t know if she stepped in to my personal space or I did hers, but all I can feel now is the prickles of warmth coming from her. My fingers edge towards her, I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her the rest of the way until I can’t just sense her anymore. I can really feel her. And the feel of her is something else. She sends my head spinning in to space.

  “Fuck. Freya,” I whisper as I tilt my lips towards hers. “What are you doing to me?”

  We have been here before with me trying to kiss her, but I was shit wasted then, a complete idiot, and she wasn’t interested. This time I’m sober, we’re alone rather than in a public place, and I can feel her lips coming back towards me as well. She wants this just as much as I do, she isn’t going to stop this…

  Holy hell! The moment that our lips connect, the world around me shifts and vanishes. Me and Freya wrap ourselves in a little bubble of just me and her and it’s perfect. I have thought about kissing her before, many times, but I didn’t know that it would be like this. This is something so much more wonderful than I could ever have imagined. As the kiss deepens and her tongue darts between my lips, I realize that I haven’t ever been kissed like this before. A kiss hasn’t ever affected me like this in the past. Even when I thought that I was in love…

  Woah, this is huge. This is massive. Monumental. I don’t even know what to think…

  “Right, Alex!” Me and Freya leap apart like we have been shocked by electricity as we hear Rachel’s voice. No one catches up, but as the heat creeps up through my body, matching Freya’s red cheeks, we burst into laughter. A chuckle that comes from a shared, delicious secret. “Time to go. You ready?”

  I nod, although I haven’t changed. I don’t have time or desire to now. I just need to get out on stage, to give a half fucking good performance to make up for my shitty ones, and I need to do it now before I get all caught up in my head and I make even more mistakes. I smile at Freya, hoping that this doesn’t change everything between us for the worst, and I holler back to Rachel that I am ready to go.

  Then it’s time for me and the rest of the band to get our sorry asses out on stage, which we do, and as the crowd cheers me I allow that sound to boost me up even further. This is a good day so far. I want to continue that late in to the night as well…

  Chapter 15 - Freya

  My heart is still pounding wildly as Alex races off the stage after giving a much better performance than he has done recently. Something that I don’t want to take credit for… but after that kiss, I don’t know what else to assume. I wrap my arms around myself, hugging myself tight and smiling as I do. There is still a strong sense of magic racing through me, even though it was ages ago that his lips were on mine.

  Stop it, I try my best to warn myself. Don’t be so happy about it. It was just a kiss that shouldn’t have happened.

  I don’t know why I had the strength to pull away from Alex the last time he surged at me, and I didn’t this time. It seems crazy. Although I suppose this time, he wasn’t drunk, was he? The last time he was wasted, and I didn’t want to be a mistake. This time, I could tell that he really wanted me, and I just melted. I lost myself in the fantasy of a fan girl hooking up with the famous rock star, and I loved
it…

  But what the hell is going to happen now? How is this something that I will come back from? How will we behave around one another now? It was obvious from the way that we both freaked out neither of us wanted to get caught, which means we don’t want anyone to know what happened. Is that because it was just a one-time thing or because we both want it to become something much more serious…?

  Will you stop it? My brain screams at me as he gets clearer to me. Of course this isn’t going to be serious.

  How can it be when he is in such a mess at the moment? This isn’t the time for him to start something new when he’s barely got a hold of himself. When he’s still so hung up on someone else.

  I make the snap decision to mentally back away from him, to stick to my initial plan of no physical contact, because what he needs right now is a friend. Not someone to complicate things further…

  But as he brushes passed me and I get tiny electrical pricks of desire racing all over me, my resolve weakens. I don’t know how to resist this sensation when I don’t think that I have ever had it before. I have been attracted to people in the past, but it hasn’t ever been as intense and overwhelming as this. I don’t know if the fact that it’s definitely wrong is making this crush more thrilling. Damn Linda. I blame her for putting the idea in my head in the first place. I might have to give her a call and verbally kick her ass.

  But not right now. Right now, Alex is giving a look like he wants to eat me alive while wiggling his finger and indicating for me to follow him. I shouldn’t, I know that I definitely shouldn’t, but I seem to have lost control of my limbs because my legs are following him regardless of what I think. I know that this is the perfect time for a conversation to put an to all of this to an end, but there is something else I would rather do with my lips.