by Brenda Ford
We might be headed to a bar, I try to convince myself as he takes my hand away from prying eyes. It isn’t a stretch to think that he might be going for a drink because that is his usual routine, but I do hope not. It seems like he has promised everyone that he won’t do that anymore, and I want to believe him. I might have tasted the tiniest bit of beer on his lips before, but that might have been left over from before. I don’t know.
But we don’t head towards the bar, instead we walk towards the stairs and we slowly walk up them. Alex doesn’t say anything to me, but I don’t need him too. I can feel every emotion that he’s experiencing, every bit of desire racing through him, all that’s sizzling between us. I can feel it all too. We’re connected in this deep seated crazy way that has my whole body lit up like a bonfire. I’m helpless for him right now.
Alex only takes his hand off of mine to reach in to his pocket to grab out his room key. Without him touching me, I try to gather up my thoughts, to be smart, but my head continues to spin, and I see stars.
This is lust, I realize like a gut punch. This is how it’s supposed to really be.
This just makes me look at every sexual experience that I have had in the past differently. I assumed that I was always having a pretty good time, but it was never as intense as this. It didn’t affect every inch of me in the same way. Right now, there isn’t a part of my body that doesn’t want this man to take me.
The door pops open. His room is revealed to me, not that I can see anything. Only him. Standing in his door frame with that fucking gorgeous smile on his face, I can feel my knees knocking together with passion. This time, it’s me who closes the gap between us, it’s me who shuts off any remaining thoughts that this isn’t right, and it’s me who drags him to me and collides our lips back together once more.
Yep, this really is incredible. Just as good as I remember. Only this time, possibly more so because my tummy flips flops with the knowledge that this is leading somewhere. With that thought in mind, I push Alex right inside and close the door behind us. I push him up against the wall behind him and continue to kiss him with a rough and raw passion. A passion that comes from a place I didn’t even know existed.
“Fucking hell,” Alex moans, bliss rolling off his tongue. “You are something else, Freya.”
I have fantasized about being with Alex more times than I care to admit, but I never imagined him to be so masculine and powerful, which he is as he grabs me and switches places, pressing my burning hot flushed skin against the coldness of the wall. I squeal, but this does nothing to cool down my desire.
Alex’s lips move off mine and slide down over my throat, towards my breasts… he tugs my spaghetti strap top down and takes my nipple between his lips, tugging and teasing like crazy. I knot my fingers up in his hair and gasp with waves of pleasure as he creates an unexpected flurry of sensations.
Alex wants more of me, I can just tell by the way that his body is angling towards mine. So, I press my foot up against the wall, so my thighs fall further apart to allow him inside. He presses his raging bulge against my core, almost making me scream with bliss already. Even in my fantasies, I don’t think that he has ever been as big as he feels right now. What the hell am I going to do with that pulsing erection? What will it do with me?
Fuck, I can’t help myself. I really want to find out. So, I slide my hand down his body until my fingers are pressed in the middle of us and I can feel my warm, wet core, and his steel rod. Knowing where this will lead, I toss my head back and yell out, loving every moment of being with Alex.
How can it be so wrong when it feels so perfectly right? Better than anything I thought possible.
Alex is impatient, the desire is getting to him, so he pulls back just enough to unzip his trousers and pull that wonderful cock of his free. I gasp as I see it, clapping my hand to my mouth, experiencing so much glee.
“You like the look of me?” Alex asks with a playful wink. “You want to touch it?”
He pulls a condom from his pocket and gives it to me, making my pulse freak out. I don’t know if I’m ready to hold him in my hand yet, even if I really fucking want to. But as his eyes fix on mine and I feel the deep pleasure rocketing through him, I tear the square wrapper apart with my teeth and I roll it down over him staring at him the entire time. The way that his eyes flicker and sparkle is wonderful. I want more. So much more. I want to tear him down and have him crumble and fall apart as he does the same to me. I can’t even explain to him what he’s doing to me without him even touching me, but I can make him feel it.
I stroke him a couple of times, dragging my hand up and down his length, but I can tell that he’s impatient, wanting to be buried inside of me, and fuck me I want that too. I want that so bad it hurts. So, as Alex grabs my panties and tugs them to one side, I push my legs further apart and I let him take me.
For a couple of moments, I toss my head back and bellow with pleasure as he gently traces his fingers up and down my soaking wet slit. His touch is phenomenal, just as I knew it would be, and it makes me feel insane.
“Alex, I… I want you already…” I cry out loudly. “I need you to fuck me.”
Alex doesn’t need to be asked twice. He keeps my panties to one side and angles his cock towards my entrance. Once there, just on the edge of me, begging to be let inside, Alex rests his forehead to mine, and he stares in to my eyes for a few moments. No words are exchanged, but a million and one feelings are. More feelings than I can really come to terms with right now. Feelings that are only going to make this incredibly complicated.
“Oh shit!” Luckily, I can’t get too stuck in to this line of thinking, Alex gives me everything I need and more by thrusting deeply in to me. He absolutely fills me right up in the most incredible way possible. My cervix heats up with desire and need as he plunges in deeper and deeper. “Alex, fucking hell, Alex… you are…”
The next slam bangs my ass against the wall and strips the air from my lungs completely, making sure that I have no words left. Instead of trying to express how I feel to this man, I lose myself in the sensations, in the way that he’s making my body feel, and it’s truly wonderful. I never want it to end. Each thrusts tips me closer to the edge, spins me harder, twists me further in to pleasure, and I love losing myself in this way…
“Fuck!” I cry out as I can’t remain in the blissful anticipation for another second longer, and I crash over the edge in to ecstasy. I cling to Alex tight as the waves of orgasm roll over me, gripping all of my organs in the wonderful heat, and shattering my body as it goes. My nails probably dig in to his skin because I’m holding on so tight, but I can’t stop myself from needing him so badly. “Fuck, Alex, oh my God.”
It’s electric, indescribable, overwhelming, absolutely everything. I haven’t ever had this before and I know there’s a chance that I might never get it again. So, I need to savor every damn second of it and keep this in my memory to keep me going forwards, even when this gets complicated… and there’s not a chance in hell that it won’t get complicated now. I might need to prepare myself for even more of a mess.
Chapter 16 - Alex
“So, er… where is Freya?” I ask, trying to sound as innocent as I can while glancing around the back stage area. “I haven’t seen her since we arrived here. Is she… you know, ready for tonight?”
Rachel gives me a strange look, almost seeing right through me which is the last thing I want. Ever since I woke up in my bed alone after the most incredible night of my whole life, I’ve been on edge. I mean, that was a massive step for me. Having sex with another woman after what happened with Mandy and feeling such a surge of emotions as I did was utterly intense. I don’t want it to just end… I think this is something that we need to discuss. Only, I haven’t seen her yet, and I have the dreadful feeling that she’s avoiding me.
“I don’t know to be honest,” Rachel replies. “I’m sure she will be here soon. Why?”
“No reason.” Even as I say this, I can feel a guilty l
ook spreading across my face. I don’t think I’m that great at lying. “I was just wondering, that’s all. Hoping that tonight goes well.”
Rachel rests her hand on my arm. “Is everything okay with you? You are doing okay, right? I know that the shows have been much better, and you seem better in yourself, but I don’t want to assume. If you need help, I am still here. I hope you realize that. I’m trying to be… well, whatever you need me to be.”
Her words remind me that I haven’t had a drink yet. I lick my parched lips, wondering if I can try getting up on to stage tonight without even one drink in my system. Now that will be an achievement. Maybe once I have had this much needed chat with Freya, I won’t feel like I need anything in me.
“I’m doing good.” I nod slowly. “At least, I think I am. I’m just taking it one moment at a time.”
“That’s probably the best way. I agree. I just… well, I’m proud of you for trying.”
As soon as Rachel says those words and makes me feel the tiniest bit better about myself, Gary eyeballs me as he walks past me like he isn’t anywhere near forgiving me just yet. I sigh sadly and hang my head low, staring at the floor as I recognize that I still have a long way to go. I don’t know how long it will take. It’s bad really, how quick it is to make a mistake, and how long it takes to overcome that. It doesn’t seem right.
“You know, there’s nothing to worry.” Rachel smiles at me. “It’s going to be fine. You know it is.”
“Yeah, I know. I know how Gary is and of course it isn’t going to be easy, but I’m impatient.”
Maybe that’s a big part of my issue. I need to take the long route to get to the right place so I can appreciate the results when I get them. Just because I have decided that I’m in a good place now, it doesn’t mean that I’m out the waters. I don’t want to, and it makes me nervous to consider it, but I could end up low once more…
All of a sudden, I spot her. That familiar shock of white and pink hair making my heart skip about ten beats. Her body language suggests that she doesn’t feel comfortable being here, but that might be because we just need to clear the air first. We need to have this chat for us both to be okay again.
“Are you okay?” Rachel asks with a little giggle. “You seem a little… freaked…”
I give her a look, wishing that she couldn’t see right through me, but clearly, she can. I just hope that she doesn’t make a bigger deal out of this than it is at the moment. “I’m good, I just need to…”
I don’t know what I need. There are no words. Right now, I just need to try and get my feelings together. They are all over the place. I have proven in the past that I can’t trust my judgement when it comes to women. My feelings usually run away with me and take me down a bad path… but I can’t see any way in which this can go wrong. It feels right with Freya. I just know deep down that this is the way I should be going.
Without giving Rachel a further explanation, I walk away from her and head to Freya. I have been having this conversation in my head all day long, the whole bus journey here where she hid away from me on her bunk bed, but now everything that I have been thinking about vanishes. My brain is completely blank.
“Hi,” I say with a smile. “How are you? It feels like it’s been…”
The words trail off as her eyes meet mine and I am greeted with ice cold panic. She is uncomfortable with me, she doesn’t want this conversation as much as I do, she doesn’t like me at all. Shit, has all of it been in my head? Was it a pity fuck or simply a mistake on her behalf? Does she regret it already? I step backwards as anxiety threatens to consume me. We need to talk, to… to get through this… to make it okay again.
“Yes, it’s erm…” She folds her arms over her chest to hide herself away from me. “It’s… yes.”
I’m bombing. Bombing hard and I don’t know how to recover. It’s been such a long time since I had to talk to a woman properly and I don’t really know how to handle it which isn’t great. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? This is something else that Mandy has taken away from me.
“Right, well I will see you later on. After erm… you know, the show.”
“Right, yes. I will see you later. Good luck tonight.”
Well that sure as shit isn’t the way that I wanted that conversation to go. I thought that something might actually be the start of something, but it seems that I’m not good enough. Of course I’m not good enough for Freya. She’s amazing and I am nothing. Just some heartbroken washed up idiot who is fucking up his career over alcohol…
The bottom of the glass is blurry. I know that the liquid is clear so I’m not sure if there is anything left in there or not. My vision is fuzzy and almost pin holing because I have sunk so many. But the knowledge that I’m fucking wasted and really need some sleep isn’t going to be enough to stop me from ordering another.
“You weak fucker,” I growl at myself. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you stop?”
The first drink came as Freya performed on stage. It killed me to see her absolutely winning at life while I am falling apart. I find it utterly destructive to know that she isn’t troubled by what’s going on like I am, so I snuck just the tiniest bottle from my bag and took a sip to calm me down, to block it all out, to be normal again. I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing for everyone else as well. That Rachel and Gary would need me steadier… but I didn’t count for that one drink becoming another one. And then another. Then fuck knows how many. I don’t think I totally fucked up the show by being wasted, although I definitely wasn’t on top form like before, and of course as soon as I was done, I slipped away from everyone else and came here. Some dive bar down a dank alley way. A place that I don’t think anyone will find me…if they’re even looking.
It seems like before, Freya was the only one who wanted to find me, but not anymore.
“Oh, my goodness.” I jump as a hand grazes my forearm, causing the owner of the hand to snatch away. I turn to see a red head with bright purple lips looking at me like she knows me. “It’s really you.”
“Really who?” Shit, I’m probably being so rude, but I don’t have any politeness left inside of me.
“You’re Alex Smith from Blood Red Masters, aren’t you? I just watched you play live.”
I roll my eyes. “And now you’re here to tell me that I was awful, right? Because that’s all I hear at the moment. That I’m awful and useless and that I’m ruining things for everyone.”
“Oh, not at all. I think you are amazing. I have always thought that you’re amazing ever since I first started listening to you.” She grins, making me stare at those bright purple lips all over again. What is with those lips? They are insane and cool. “I’m actually one of the first people who started listening to you, even before you were signed by the record label. I’d listen to Blood Red Masters all the time online.”
“So, you’re one of our early fans then.” I lift my glass to clink it against hers, but she doesn’t seem to have one and mine id definitely empty. The girl indicates for the bar tender to get us more drinks which is good. This is someone giving me what I want, not telling me that it’s bad for me. “And you’re still sticking around.”
As we finally get drinks, then we cheers. One of us spills drink all over my arm, but neither of us are bothered. We just laugh together, sharing a moment of happiness… which is a change for me.
“I will always stick around. No matter what happens. Your music has changed my life. You have changed my life.” She leans in closer to whisper something to me, giving me an even closer glimpse of those lips. I can’t stop looking at them… but I definitely don’t feel any urge to kiss them. If anything, they just remind me of the lips that I actually want to be kissing but that aren’t anywhere around me. “I could change yours too, if you’ll let me.”
“What do you…?” Before I can finish that sentence, she lurches for me and tries to kiss me. I can’t help but recoil in horror because I haven’t
given any indication that this is what I want. “Woah, what…?”
“I’m not a kiss and tell girl,” she insists. “I’m the real deal. I want to actually be with you.”
“I don’t…” I scrape my chair back noisily. “I don’t think so. I can’t be with anyone.”
“Why? Because you’re a rock star? Because that doesn’t trouble me at all. I know that you will be out on the road a lot touring. Hell, I can even come with you! I can be a roadie or whatever. Actually, I can sing if you want? I have a good singing voice. Everyone always tells me that. I can be your back up singer. Or maybe the support…”
“We already have a support artist,” I bark back, not wanting to even consider Freya and this woman in the same category. “And I can’t just bring some random woman on tour with me. It doesn’t work like that.”
Undeterred by my words, she sidles closer to me. “But I wouldn’t just be some random woman, would I? I would be your girlfriend. Tell me if that isn’t exactly what you want right now?”
I do like that idea… but not with this woman. This stranger. Not at all. There is only one person in the world that I would like to have any kind of connection with, and she has rejected me clearly. Fuck, what a mess. Right now, I need to focus on getting out of here. I need to escape this madness.
Chapter 17 - Freya
Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock.
“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” I call out sleepily as I stagger out of bed and across the hotel room, rubbing my eyes as I go. A quick glance at the clock tells me that it’s almost three AM which can’t be good. No one knocks on another person’s door at this time of night unless it’s an emergency. I really need to wake up because if I’m needed to be somewhere or to do something, then I want to be in the right frame of mind.