by Brenda Ford
I never wanted that. For myself, or the other people in the band, which is seriously troubling. How have I let myself slide this far? How have I fallen so badly? Why didn’t I stop myself?
I flop back on the bed and fix my eyes on the TV screen, needing to watch it all, to drink it all in while wondering how I am going to get myself out of here. I mean, I can’t exactly walk outside and see what happens. I must have just gotten lucky that whoever checked me in to this motel either didn’t recognize me or didn’t care enough to report me. I don’t know if I will get that again. I might well be stuck here for good.
The knocking on my bedroom door makes my heart pound fearfully. I pull my hood up over me, trying to cover as much of my face as possible. Much as I don’t want anyone here right now, I do need my cell phone. I need to charge it so I can contact someone. So I can get help and maybe food as well. I really am starving. But until I open this door and I face who’s outside, praying to every deity possible that may or may not exist, that the person doesn’t recognize me. I wish I didn’t have to face this, but I do.
I pull the door open just a crack and stick my hand out. I can see a woman on the other side of the door who is luckily so bored of being at work that she doesn’t even acknowledge me. She simply shoves the cell phone charger in to my hand and starts to walk away, not even waiting for a ‘thank you’. I almost give her one as well, but I stop myself at the very last moment on the off chance that she might recognize my voice. It’s rude, but since I’m apparently a very rude asshole when I have been drinking anyway, I go with it.
As I close the door, filled with relief, I wonder once more why I have this addiction to drink, why I can’t just stop it even though I know it’s destroying my life. It goes without saying that this has to be the last time that I ever touch a droplet of booze. I don’t know if I’m realistically strong enough to follow through on that promise, but I need to try. And really try this time. Not just try a bit. Even when it gets hard or I get that urge, I can’t drink again. Somehow, I need to make sure that I keep myself away for good.
I plug my phone in and stare at it, waiting for it to get enough charge to switch on. Impatiently, I turn the television off behind me, the sound irritating me now. I’ve been watching it for hours anyway, seeing all of the reports about me and my disappearing act, so I don’t need to look at it any longer.
“Don’t worry, everyone,” I mutter in to the air, as if anyone can hear me. “If you are worried and not wanting to tear me to shreds. I will let you know where I am soon. All will be good.”
I guess the only thing I need to work out is who I’m going to call first, who will kill me less if I get in touch with them. I have a fair few choices and I know that everyone will be in touch with one another, so I only need to speak to one person… but who? My brothers, my friends, my band mates… who?
Chapter 21 - Freya
“I mean it, Freya,” Nathan tells me fiercely. “This is it now. You need to come home. Alex has broken the contract now by not even being around to do shows, so whatever you do doesn’t matter. You need to get away from that and be here so we can think very carefully about your next move.”
This is all that I wanted, for a very long time, but now that Nathan has given me the opportunity to do so and I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave while I don’t know where he is. I’m worried about him. This is huge. This is massive, isn’t it? He’s a proper missing person. I can’t stop thinking about him being in a ditch somewhere. Drunk, injured, in harm. Or what if someone has him? I know that it’s pretty crazy to assume that he might have been kidnapped, but at this rate anything could have happened. He does have some wild fans…
“I don’t know, Nathan, I don’t want to abandon everyone at the moment. It’s rough here. They need me.”
“They have each other. They don’t need you as well. What are you worrying about? You don’t know owe them any loyalty. You need to think about yourself and what is right for you.”
I tap my toe and bite down on my bottom lip as I try to get my head in order. I know that he’s right and I probably should put my career first, but as Rachel now knows about my feelings they are more out in the open and I don’t want to run away from that. I might not be enough for Alex, maybe I haven’t helped with his addiction, but that doesn’t mean I will go. From what I understand of the messy situation, Mandy just abandoned him after things went wrong, so the last thing I need to do is run too. He might not need me. He might not want me around. But I am going to be here regardless. Just in case. For once, I’m not going to put my career first. I can’t.
“I need to stay,” I say to Nathan. “Just for a little bit longer. Please trust me that I know what I’m doing.”
“I can’t understand that decision, Freya. It doesn’t make any sense. Especially since you were the one who wanted to come back in the first place. Why don’t you just come back to me and we can talk?”
I don’t say anything… mostly because I can’t. I don’t know how to explain what’s going on with me right now. Not to a man who is going to tell me that I have lost my damn mind.
“You really aren’t coming back, are you?” he asks sadly. “I can sense that you have made up your mind. Usually, I let you do what you think is right because your instincts are great, but this time I’m not so sure. I just don’t know where your head is at, what you’re thinking. It doesn’t make any sense.”
I should tell him. I know that I should. But I’m scared to. How can I tell her that my heart is with Alex? That I have fallen for a man that is addicted to booze, that is a loose cannon, and that doesn’t fit in with my life style and image at all, that can only be a negative for me really… yet I can’t help how I feel, can I?
“Okay, look, I can see that you aren’t coming back. That much is obvious. And while I can’t understand or agree with you, I will let it go. For now. But that isn’t going to last forever, I can assure you of that. It won’t happen. I will be on top of you every day trying to work out what the hell is going on and working out when you will be coming back. Because I’m not afraid to admit that I’m worried about you right now.”
“I know,” I reply softly. “And I know that’s for a reason. As soon as I know that coming home is the right thing to do, that’s what I’ll do. You just need to trust me this one last time.”
Me and Nathan talk for a little while longer, before we say our goodbyes and hang up the phone. I would laugh at the turn around when it comes to me and my attitude, if it wasn’t so crazy. I know that I’m creating issues for myself by being here, but I don’t want to leave. I can’t. This is where I need to be.
“Where the fuck is Angelo?” Brad hollers over the top of me, across the canteen in the hotel. This poor hotel where we have been ever since Alex first went missing because that’s where we were at the time and that’s where we thought he might come back to. Hank went on to the next city with Gary to see if Alex was going to turn up there, which would have led to a mad dash for the gig, but that didn’t happen either. Oliver and Nelson are at their home, scouring their home city to see if he’s there, and the rest of us are just here… waiting, searching, needing answers. This has become the official search party headquarters, which thankfully the hotel have been great about, but we aren’t all here all the time. Sometimes we’re out following tips.
“Oh, he had an idea of where Alex might be!” Wesley yells, his face buried in a computer, just like it has been ever since he arrived. He is using his technological skills to do his searching. “He didn’t say much about it. But he took Rachel and he went. He was all excited about where he was going though.”
A couple of days ago I would have been excited about this, but I know better now. I know that it doesn’t matter how much people have decided that they know exactly where he is, they might not have done.
“Are you okay, Freya?” Brad pats me on the arm and smiles at me. He seems to have accepted me easily in to his fold which is nice. I can tell that he’s a really
good guy who has shouldered a lot of responsibility because he does act father like… which I can only assume makes this a hundred times harder for him. He’s lost his younger brother and he’s trying to manage hundreds of people in the search for him. “Sorry it’s a bit manic.”
“It’s been manic for days.” I try to smile but I can’t seem to make the expression form. “Utterly crazy. But you are doing a good job. As good as you can be when it comes to this situation.”
“It’s a fucking nightmare, isn’t it? I’m just sorry that you’re seeing this side of Alex where he’s acting crazy and not the good guy that he actually is. It’s a shame because… well, because…”
He doesn’t finish that sentence, but I get a glimpse in his eyes that suggests what he really means is he wants me and Alex to be together. Which of course is what I would love as well, but that isn’t possible.
“I have seen the good side of him,” I tell him. “He hasn’t always been bad the whole time we’re on tour.”
“Urgh, he’s such a good person.” Brad’s head falls in to his hands. “He really is. I’m glad that you have seen a part of it. But he’s great. It’s just this one mistake… I mean, I know that it’s a bad one, a massive one, but it’s a mistake and it’s done. Angelo isn’t even… he’s not mad anymore, he just wants Alex to be okay like the rest of us do. Alex is being far harder on himself than anyone else ever could be.”
“I’ve seen that! Over and over again. He’s really bad on himself. It’s hard. I don’t know if that’s something he can get over. Certainly not on his own anyway. I believe that he will need some real help.”
“Do you think it’s that bad?” Brad asks me sadly. “Oh God, what the hell are we going to do?”
I part my lips, a million and one suggestions want to fly out of my mouth, but they don’t. Mostly because I don’t really know what to suggest. I don’t know what to do. There is no easy answer.
Ring, ring… As soon as I hear the ringing sound, I know that it’s my cell phone because I can feel it vibrating against my leg. I don’t know what I’m expecting as I pull it out of my pocket. Probably Nathan again… but I feel hot and cold all at once as I see the name on the screen. Holy fuck, it’s Alex. It’s Alex! We have all tried to call him a million times and I assumed that his cell phone died after the first couple of days because he couldn’t charge it, but now… well, now it seems like things have changed because he’s calling me.
“Brad,” I gasp. “Brad, it’s…” I glance up to tell Brad to tell him what’s going on, but he’s already been caught by someone else. Actually, everyone looks busy which I guess leaves me alone. Maybe that’s for the best anyway. I duck my head down and practically run out of the room as I hit the answer button.
“Hello? Alex?” I gasp in to the phone. “Where are you? What’s going on?”
“Freya. You picked up.” He sounds upset, but potentially fine. Not hurt anyway which is a good thing. “I didn’t think you would want to pick up. I didn’t think you would talk to me again.”
“Of course I’m talking to you.” I squeeze my eyes shut and try to fathom what’s happening here. “Alex, where are you? Do you even know what is happening here? Everyone is looking for you.”
“I know, I know, I fucked up bad. Again. I have ruined everything. My career is over. My life is over. Everyone must hate me, and I hate myself for it. I just want to fall apart, Freya. I’m a state.”
I don’t know if he’s drunk or hung over. Maybe he’s just tired and scared. I don’t know. All I want is to be with him right now. To hold him, to reassure him that everything will be just fine.
“Nothing is over. No one hates you. We are all just worried. Tell me where you are, and we can come…”
“No, not we.” I can hear the spike of terror in his voice. “Just you. I don’t want everyone. I can’t handle it right now. The only person I can hack seeing is you.”
I’m touched. Touched and a little afraid since I don’t think I’m good for Alex, but I need to stop worrying about that. Right now, all I need to do is get to Alex so I can help him.
“Okay, just me. I will keep it a secret.” If I even mention it to anyone, then there isn’t any chance of me going alone. “But I need you to tell me where you are. Send me the address and I will figure it out. I will get to you as quickly as possible. You just need to promise me that you will stay where you are.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m too afraid to. I don’t want anyone to find me.”
As he reels off the address to me, I’m glad that there isn’t any chance of him running, but I’m also worried about the amount of pressure on my shoulders because this way it’s totally up to me to take care of him. I need to make all the right moves to ensure that he is saved.
“I will be there. Don’t worry. I’m coming for you.”
Chapter 22 - Alex
I check the clock for what feels like the hundredth time while I wait for Freya to arrive. I’ve been far away from her, so I know it isn’t going to be an easy journey, but I want her already. As soon as I made the decision to call her, I’ve been waiting and it’s hard. It’s really freaking hard. I need her already.
I slide my eyes closed as I pace up and down the room, thinking about her beautiful face. That gorgeous face of hers should have been enough to protect me, to stop me from this mess, but it wasn’t. Why wasn’t it enough? I still haven’t worked out what I did wrong. Why I fucked up so badly. To be honest, I’m really just beating myself up about it. More and more which is leading me towards drink. Not that I have caved yet…
Knock, knock. I leap in to the air as I get the sound that I have been waiting for all along. Knock, knock.
My first thought is that it isn’t going to be Freya, that it’s someone tricking me and I shouldn’t open the door, which is foolish. It’s almost like I’m bordering on anxiety because of this situation.
“Hello?” I whisper through the door, trying to disguise my voice a little bit. “Who’s there?”
“Alex, is that you?” Relief floods me as I catch the familiar lilt to Freya’s voice. “Can I come in?”
“Oh my God.” I rest my head up against the door, a dizziness over coming me as I do. “It’s you.”
I gather myself up for just the shortest time before I pull the door open, just a crack, just in case there is anyone behind her, and I pull her inside. She looks bewildered as she glances around the room, seeing the four walls that have been my home for the last few days. I don’t even want to know what she’s thinking about me.
“How the hell did you end up here?” she asks with a shrug. “What happened?”
“You want me to be honest?” She nods. Of course she’s going to nod. Getting the truth is what she has come here for after all. “Okay, well I will be honest then. I don’t know. I don’t. I stupidly… took a drink. Just the one. I assumed that I could hold it together enough to just have one because I was happy, not sad and beating myself up like I was before. I was happy because of me and you. It was nice. We had a good time. Maybe I wanted to celebrate, I don’t know. I don’t really have a reason or excuse. But then I ended up shit wasted. More drunk than I have ever been before, and I ended up here. It’s a big blank. A terrifying black hole in my memory. I don’t know who I came here with, what I was doing, where I was going. I was just… here…”
She narrows her eyes at me. I don’t know if she fully believes me but there isn’t anything that I can offer her other than what I have already given. It’s the sad, pathetic, frightening truth.
“So, then what? You just woke up here and what?” She shrugs. “We have all been so worried.”
“By the time I realized what was going on, when I woke up properly, I had already missed the show and there seemed to be a manhunt for me. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. The idea of going out there and facing the world and explaining what I have done was too much for me. It still is. I don’t know what’s going on.”
“It’s bad,” she admit
s. “I’m not going to beat around the bush here. It’s bad. Really bad. There is a lot of interest in you and what you’re doing. And not just from the people that care about you…”
“Do they all hate me?” I interrupt her quietly. “Is Gary fuming at me?”
“No one hates you,” she does her best to reassure me. But her words don’t really fall on my ears because I don’t know how truthful she is being. “No one hates you at all. They are all just worried.”
“Yeah, so they want answers as well. Fucking hell, I don’t know what I’m going to tell anyone, Freya. I don’t really have an answer. I don’t know what to say to anyone. I can’t do this.” A tight knot of panic forms tightly in my chest, wrapping around my heart and lungs, making it hard to breathe. “I need to just keep hiding. I can’t go out just yet. I should never have called you. I should stay here for a bit because I don’t know what I’m going to say. Because it isn’t just for the band, is it? I will have to give a press release and everything.”
I feel myself crumble. And crumble in a way that I haven’t ever done before. Tears leak out of my eyes before I can even think about what’s happening. This is a damn state and I can’t hack it. I can’t handle any of it. I can feel myself shrinking inwards, needing somewhere to shy away, needing to be alone all over again.
“You need to go,” I blast out, almost sounding a little angry. “Leave me, and please don’t tell anyone where I am because I’m not ready yet. Not at all. I need to… to get my head in order.”
“And what will you do if I go?” She presses her hands to her hips and glares at me. “Are you going to find your way to the bottom of another bottle, huh? Because that has really worked out for you in the past, hasn’t it?”
Woah. I don’t know if expecting some sympathy from her was exactly what I’d been doing, but I sure as hell didn’t think that she would be cruel to me. I mean, I’m crying here. Really falling apart in front of her, and she’s glaring at me like I have done something on purpose to upset her.