by Brenda Ford
She pauses, giving me a chance to answer but I don’t know what she wants me to say to that. Does she want me to agree that yes, Alex’s failures boosted my career? As if I’m that much of a dick.
But like the professional that she is, she doesn’t leave too much dead air. “So, I have to address the rumors that are circling all around the Internet at the moment.” I feel all the color drain from my face. I don’t know what rumor she is referring to, but if it came from online then it can’t be good. “About you and Alex.”
“Me and… Alex…” Shit, I thought we had gotten away with it. No one has mentioned it so far. My pulse pounds hard and my breaths become ragged as she stares me down. “What do you mean?”
“You were together, weren’t you? Having an affair. That’s what sent him over the edge, isn’t it? You broke things off with him when you started sleeping with Gary at the same time and seeing you two together all the time drove him to drink. He loved you and that’s how he ended up in rehab.”
Ninety nine percent of that story is utterly ridiculous, but it has me leaping up from my seat anyway. I don’t even want to begin to address this when there is somewhere else I would like to be more. I only came to this interview to help my career, but it isn’t going to do that, is it? It’s just going to make this worse.
“Alex,” I mutter to myself as I run towards the exit. “Alex, I’m coming to see you. I’m just sorry that it took me so long to come…”
Chapter 28 - Alex
“I just heard that you got a visitor,” Cody calls out to me as I walk through the hallway. He doesn’t look great these days, it’s a real shame. He has so much to fight for, but the alcohol is getting to him. I would even go as far as to assume that he’s sneaking it in somehow. He wouldn’t be the first and I’m sure that he won’t be the last either. It’s amazing that the lengths people will go to, to feed their addictions. It’s a shame and I seriously wish that there was something I could do, but I don’t see anything right now. Unfortunately, I am in here healing as well. “You’re a lucky bastard. No one is coming to see me at the moment.”
His face falls and I feel terrible for him. I don’t know if his wife has been told to stay away until he’s doing much better or if she has made that decision to do so, but it’s clearly killing him. Sometimes, people in here need something sharp and cruel to happen to shock them in to sobriety… but I don’t know if I would include him in that. Poor Cody needs people. If I can’t help him maybe I should speak to someone who can.
“Yeah, I don’t know who it is though. Another brother coming to kick my ass for sure.”
They have all been, some more than once, obviously as and when they have been allowed by Brad. It’s funny, much as it’s stupid to have everything so regulated, I think he might be right. It would be too much for me to face them all at once. They are overwhelming at the best of times and this sure as hell isn’t that.
“Well, tell ‘em hi from me. Not that they know me, it would just be nice to speak to someone from the outside world. Someone who isn’t permanently in this shit hole driving me insane.”
I laugh at his words, but I kinda think that this might be a cry for help and it’s one that I won’t forget.
I continue walking towards the meeting room, which is where I have been asked to go for some reason. Usually it’s in my bedroom to give me and whoever it is some privacy, but maybe I have had that right taken from me for some reason. I don’t know why. I’ve been good, as far as I’m aware, but maybe I’ve slipped up…
Oh my God. The world shifts and tilts beneath me as I see why everything is different today. I must be dreaming. This can’t be real. This absolutely cannot. There is no chance in hell that she’s here… but she is.
“Freya,” I whisper. “Oh my God, Freya. What are you doing here?”
I rub my eyes hard, trying to wake myself up because I still can’t wrap my head around it. I have dreamed about her being here enough times, it wouldn’t be a surprise if I have lost my mind, but I can feel her. I can sense her here which shows to me that it’s real. My heart balls up in my mouth, my knees knock together, I’m a mess.
“Oh, Alex.” She takes the lead, closing the gap between us and wrapping her arms around me. As she holds me, I inhale deeply, really breathing her in. I didn’t do this before because I wasn’t in my right mind. I didn’t consider enough that it might be the last time I see her… but now I will make up for that. Just in case. “Alex.”
My name on her lips almost brings me to tears. I nearly sob against her shoulder because I’m falling apart. I need to get out of this building before I do some real damage here. “Do you want to go for a walk?”
“Are you allowed?” She pulls back to look at me curiously. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”
“There are some nice gardens outside. It might remind you of…” I can’t say ‘happier times’ because I don’t know if it was that. It was for me but I’m sure that Freya has a different point of view.
“Yes, that sounds nice.” She nods and smiles. “I think that I would like that a lot.”
I almost take her hand as we go before, I realize I probably shouldn’t do that. It might not be for the best. Plus, the chemistry sizzling between us is intense without us even needing to touch one another. It’s stronger than it has ever been as far as I am aware, but I suppose I was always in a stage of being fucked up before.
“So, how has it been?” Freya asks me warmly as we walk. “I know that might be a bit of a loaded question…”
“It is, but it’s been good.” I nod seriously. “Hard at times. Bad and unpleasant as well, but worth it.”
“Good, so you don’t hate me then?” she laughs. “I feared you’d be mad.”
“I don’t hate you. You got my letter, didn’t you? I love you.”
That might be a little forward. I know it probably isn’t the best thing for me to say, but it’s out there now. It’s been said. Part of what I have learned here is what I need to communicate better anyway, so why not start now?
“I… right.” She nods as her face becomes pale. “Yes, well, obviously, you know… feelings are… well, I think I might have told you a while ago that feelings have always been reciprocated, but this isn’t the time to focus on that, is it? It’s the time to focus on you and your health. Your recovery.”
“My recovery is fine,” I scoff. “It’s all I talk about. What I want to know is about the outside world.”
She smiles knowingly, understanding this is all that I need right now. “Okay, well I will tell you what’s been going on then, I will answer any questions that I can, but know I might not be able to give you everything.”
“I will start with the question that I ask everyone, and no one will give me an answer too…” I watch as she stiffens and wonder how she’ll react when the words come out. “How is the band?”
“Oh.” She nods slowly. “Well that’s probably because no one wants you to worry, but I guess it’s making you more worried by not having an answer. They are good. Busy, but good. They are doing everything that they can to make sure the band keeps going when you get out of here.” She smiles. “That’s probably why they haven’t been here to visit you. Because they want it all to be perfect when you come out.”
“So, there is going to be a band when I leave here then? I was worried.”
“I’m sure that things were bad but of course there is going to be a band. They are working their asses off because they want you back. I have no doubt that they miss you like crazy.”
“Have they said it?” This little golden nugget of information is amazing to me. I can’t help myself from needing to dig deeper. “When have you spoken to them? Have they said anything to you?”
Immediately she becomes weirdly cagey at that. “Er, well I haven’t actually seen any of them. I guess I have just been too busy. I’ve been picked up for a lot of media interviews and things like that. Plus, I have been recording bits for the third album, so I haven’t h
ad much time to hang out with anyone.”
She’s lying. Not about being busy which I’m sure is the truth. I bet everyone has leapt on her after her amazing performance on tour with us. But about the band. There is a reason the guys haven’t spoken to her.
“You haven’t had a text from Rachel? Nothing?
I thought you both were friends.”
“We just have a lot going on, that’ll all.” She shrugs, her walls not coming down at all. “I’m sure it’ll change.”
She isn’t meeting my eyes which has to mean something bad. Again, I find myself faced with a situation that I want to help, but I can’t. I’m helpless all over again. It’s really damn hard not to get caught up in that.
“So, do you think you might be too busy to see me when I get out of here?” I ask quietly.
“Do you know when? Because I’m sure that I can arrange some time off…”
Uh oh. I feel bad by the way that her eyes light up. She thinks that I might be out of here soon which is something I wish that I could make happen, but I can’t. I still have some way to go.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to get you excited. I don’t know yet. Soon. I hope.”
“Right, I see.” The sadness over comes her once more making me feel really guilty. “Well, I…”
God, she’s silent. Much too quiet for my liking. Does she not want to see me when I get out of here? I just thought that with her being here after getting my letter that everything would be good. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought that after all of my work on myself and the delving in to my emotions, I would be better at reading feelings… but with Freya I don’t seem to be able to do it.
“I think I might need some time to process it.” She nods as if this makes sense. “All of it. I do want to see you when you get out of here, but I don’t know in what context.”
“Ah, I see.” Now I get what’s going on. It makes me realize that she was cagey when talking about being in love with me as well. It’s not like she denied the idea, but she didn’t exactly agree either. Shit, maybe she doesn’t feel the same way about me. Perhaps she’s over me… or there is a chance that she’s just being sensible and cautious. Neither of us were that before. We all just went with it. That didn’t exactly work out, did it?
“We should just meet for a coffee or something,” she finally says with a smile. “Go from there.”
Fuck, my fight isn’t going to end when I leave this rehab facility, it’s going to continue. I will be making up for the mistakes that I have made forever. But I guess that is something that I shall just have to accept.
“So, tell me everything about what you have been up to,” I say with a smile, sensing that we both need a change of subject here before we fall apart and start sobbing. “It all sounds very exciting.”
As she tells me everything that she has been up to, I watch her from the side of my eye, falling deeper in to love with her. So deep that I don’t think I will ever be able to drag myself out of it. She is definitely my one, this isn’t just me jumping on an obsession like I did before, this is real. If it turns out that she is the one and I lost her, then I will always be glad that I had her. Even if it was only for a short while.
“This is good,” I tell her. “You deserve all of this success. You really do. You’re so talented.”
“Not the talentless pop princess you once called me.” She laughs.
“Not at all.” Fucking hell, I cringe like crazy. I can’t believe how much of a dick I was. I damn well deserve to make up for this tomorrow. “You are one of the best people I know. I never should have been so rude and judgmental. Not when you turned out to be one of the most important person in my life.”
If only she could be mine…
Chapter 29 - Freya
The music plays softly in the background, although the volume of it is creeping up over time. I wonder if anyone else has noticed that. As I glance around the room it seems to me like they’re too deep in their conversations to pick up on that, which is probably where I should be as well. The only problem in this industry party with lots of industry specialists here is that it reminds me of another event where I should have been talking to people within the music business to try and further my career… only I wasn’t. Because of course, that was the day that Alex went missing and I could only think of him. If things had been different then I could have enjoyed that party with him, just like I thought I was going to, and maybe even this one as well.
A shiver races down my spine as I consider what our lives could have been. I’ve been trying my best not to sink in to that because there isn’t anything that I can do to change it, but at times like this when it’s acutely obvious, and especially after the love letter and the visit a couple of weeks ago, it’s almost impossible.
“I need a drink,” I mutter to myself as I swirl the dripple left around in the glass. I’m going to have to speak to someone else soon. I have already made some great contacts, but I know that Nathan will want me to do more, but I need a glass of liquid to hold in my hands, to give me a distraction if things get awkward. It might be better if I was going to drink booze as well but since seeing the damage that can do first hand, I don’t ever want to go down that road. I would rather suffer a few moments of awkwardness.
“Ah, Freya Brown!” a lovely, flamboyant and happy man grabs my arm. “I have been trying to catch you all night to discuss a modeling job with you. I now obviously you’re not known for your modeling, but judging by some of the very hot images I have seen of you recently, I just know that you’re perfect.”
“Am I?” I get a glow of excitement; I can’t help myself. I don’t what I’m apparently good for yet, but it’s nice to know that I’m wanted by someone for something! “What would I be modeling for?”
He pulls out his cell phone and shows me the clothing that he designs, all of it very cool and artsy. Certainly not comfortable every day wear. But I can already see that it will make for some cool images. I can’t one hundred percent promise him that I will be a part of his imagery, I will have to check my schedule with Nathan first, but it is something that I want to be a part of, given half the chance. It’s one of those opportunities that I’m really grateful to have. Sure, I’m really not a model, the girls who do it professionally are absolutely incredible. The work and dedication that they put in is off the scale, but I do enjoy giving it a try.
After exchanging business cards and promising to keep in touch, I continue with my journey to the bar, my brain spinning with thoughts of the clothing I might be modeling soon. There were some pieces that I could never see myself in but some that I’m sure I can make work well. I would love to give it a try anyway.
“Hey, beautiful.” A gruff voice growls as soon as I reach the bar. “I saw you coming and ordered you a vodka and cranberry juice. I’m usually pretty good at working out what a woman likes to drink…”
“I’m not drinking tonight,” I reply through a tight lipped smile. I know this man already, of course I do. Everyone does. This is Travis Benson, the English rock star with a bad boy reputation like nothing else. There are constant stories of him causing havoc and partying with every woman going. He has been in short term relationships with every American famous woman around at the moment. I guess I should probably feel something as he talks to me, but I’m not impressed by him at all. “Thank you though.”
“Oh, don’t be like that…” He slides the glass towards me, basically trying to force the drink on me. That only makes me much less inclined to drink it. “This party is boring as fuck. I want to make it more fun.”
“Why are you here if it’s boring you?” I ask with a cocked eyebrow while ignoring the glass.
“My manager says that I have to be, so I guess I just need to make it fun in my own way. Since you look bored as well, and also like you could be a whole lot of fun deep down, I thought that you could assist me.”
“I’m not having a bad time,” I only half lie. “So, you might need to find someone else.”
>
He sidles closer to me, immediately making me back away. I can tell from the way that his eyes flicker with anger this is more rejection than he is used to… but if that is the case then he doesn’t need me, does he? If it’s really that easy for him, then he doesn’t need to pick on the one woman who isn’t going to be interested.
Unless that makes it more exciting for him. He thinks he might have a challenge. I sure as shit hope not because he won’t get through to me at all. My heart lies with a man who can’t ever be mine.
“You know, I have heard your music,” he continues in an innocent sounding tone of voice. “I particularly like your newer stuff. If you’re moving into an area of collaboration, then I would like to work with you.”
“You would?” A thrill bursts in my chest. Whatever he might be like, a Collab with Travis would be really damn good for my career. There’s no way it wouldn’t sell like crazy. “Oh my God, I would love that.”
Without really thinking about it. I grab the glass and take a sip of the drink. It burns my throat and the back of my tongue, plus the taste is kinda gross, it definitely isn’t the drink that I would have picked, but I’m celebrating.
“See?” Travis winks at me. “I always know what a woman drinks.”
“I think that these women must be telling you what you want to hear. This is seriously gross.”
For a split second, he looks hurt and I can’t help but worry that I have dented his pride so hard that he won’t want to work with me again. But then he tosses his head back and he lets out a bellowing laugh.
“You know, you might be right. I am surrounded by a lot of people who I would consider ‘yes men’. Not who I would really like the opinion of because it doesn’t mean anything. But you… I would like your opinion.”
“Well, if we’re going to work together then you would get used to it. Because you will be hearing it a lot.”
“I like the sound of that.” Travis nods his head. “It’ll be fun I’m sure.”