by Brenda Ford
But then I see the person next to him and my heart nearly stops beating completely. Angelo. Angelo. Alex’s twin. I wouldn’t be imagining him now, would I? He must actually be here.
Fucking hell. My heart pounds so hard against my rib cage I fear it might break free from my chest. It’s hard to keep my eyes on either of them when everyone is dancing and jumping around like crazy. The crowd keeps moving like the ocean, like the waves crashing violently. I almost want to stop myself from singing just to tell everyone to be silent and still while I figure it out… but I can’t do that. That would be insane.
I get to the end of the song and smile out at the crowd, trying not to dart my eyes around too much because I don’t want to be a crazy person, and I start on with the next one smoothly, just like Nathan would want me to do. Professionalism at all times, I know that’s what he needs of me now since the events of before.
But however professional I am, Alex and Angelo remain in my mind. I can’t stop looking for them no matter what. Every so often I think I might spot one of the twins, but I can’t be one hundred percent sure. I guess the only thing that I can do is get to the end of the set and see for certain who is around…
I race off the stage, straight into Nathan’s arms who stops me from running anywhere. I stare up at him, desperately needing him to understand that I need to get away, but he holds me tighter.
“Where are you going? You aren’t leaving, are you? Don’t forget the encore.”
“Oh fuck.” I nod and stop trying to fight against Nathan. “Of course. I need to sing more.” I deflate like a balloon. “Right, well, erm… I need you to do something for me. Is that okay?”
“Right?” Nathan narrows his eyes, totally unsure. “And what is that?”
“I think I might have seen Alex out in the crowd…” He steps away from me, looking horrified. “No, don’t be like that, Nathan. If he’s here, then I want to speak to him. I need to see him. To know how he’s doing.”
“I thought that he was in rehab,” Nathan shoots back coldly. “Why would he be here?”
I shrug helplessly. “I don’t know. That’s what I want to find out. I can do that, can’t I?”
“I don’t see why you would want to see him when he threatened to derail you before.”
“He didn’t! He didn’t do anything to me. He just did that to himself. Everything that happened to me was all my choice and I think you know that. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to help.”
“Well, now is the time to focus on you. This is your tour now and you need to get back out there for the encore. So, I want you to forget what you think you might have seen out there, and I want you to kick some ass.”
“I’m not going out there.” I fold my arms over my dress and shake my head hard. “Not unless you actually agree to help me. I just want you to go out there and see. That’s all. I’m not asking to be derailed, I’m not asking for things to get nuts again, I just want to see what he has to say to me, that’s all.”
“I worry about you, Freya. I do. Your attention and choices when it comes to him…”
“After I got the letter, I went to see him in rehab. I didn’t tell you about it, but I did. I sensibly told him that we couldn’t be together while he’s healing, and I distanced myself for the after part as well. So, if that isn’t a smart choice then I don’t know what is. I know what I’m doing. I know what’s right. So, please, go out there and look for him. Just see if he’s there and bring him back to me, Nathan. Please?”
Finally, Nathan nods and agrees with me. “Okay fine. I will. If I find him, I’ll bring him back here, but please promise me that you will be okay? That you won’t end up doing something stupid for this man.”
“I won’t, I just want to see him.” I glare at Nathan. “That’s all I’m asking for.”
I feel a little better as I step back out on to stage and I sing for the encore. The spot light seems to have increased a lot this time around, which means I can’t see anyone in the audience. I don’t know if Alex or Angelo are out there and if Nathan is even looking for them. My manager has probably arranged that on purpose so I can’t be distracted. I guess it’s going to have to work so I throw myself fully into it. I give myself totally over to the song, my second single so it’s one of my more popular ones, but also a real crowd pleaser.
This is good actually. It leaves the crowd on a high which is what I want. I want them to leave here wishing the gig was a lot longer. So, I will take it. Nathan might have something here.
I wave goodbye as I leave the stage for a final time, thanking the crowd for being so amazing, before I head back stage once more. Immediately, my eyes are desperately searching for Nathan, but he’s nowhere to be found. I’ll be fuming if it turns out that he hasn’t looked for Alex at all and he’s just done a runner…
“Where is Nathan?” I demand to anyone who will listen. “Where has he gone?”
“I saw him headed towards your dressing room,” one of the security guard tells me. “I think…”
A red heart floods my face, a temper descends over me, I just know that he’s waited there for me to have another ‘talk’. I don’t want to talk to him, and he knows that. If he’s going to be a dick about it then I will head out in to the crowd that remain and look for him myself. I don’t think I’m famous enough to get mobbed yet.
I stomp towards my dressing room and find Nathan outside, his expression guilty. The flames of fury ignite deep inside of me and I feel myself about to explode. I part my lips, ready to unleash until he stops me…
“I found him.” Nathan nods, slipping all of the words far away from me. “He’s inside. I just wanted to make sure that you are going to be okay. There is no way this won’t be emotional for you.”
I pause for a second, before I nod. This is Alex, not someone for me to fear. “I will be fine. Thanks so much, Nathan.”
Chapter 32 - Alex
I pace up and down Freya’s dressing room, trying not to get lost in the sensation that this is a bit of a personal space that I probably shouldn’t be in, even though Freya’s manager sent me here. I also swell with the deep emotion that came from watching her perform. Angelo was right, this is a great place for me to be tonight. Initially, I argued with him that it might be weird, but he basically forced me to come and now I’m glad.
I haven’t seen Freya since I left rehab. I don’t know if she knows that I’m out, but she hasn’t been in touch. I only came here to watch her perform, I don’t expect anything from this, but her manager came for me so now it looks like we’re going to chat no matter what. Not that it’s a bad thing…
But wow, before we get to the conversation, all I can think about is how wonderful she was up on stage. Of course I have seen her before, and I’ve even see her perform when I wasn’t drunk, but now I’m properly sober and I could really enjoy everything that she did. All of it was amazing, even the pop stuff that I wouldn’t normally like. She just has this way of claiming every word as her own, of putting herself in to everything. She’s utterly incredible. I adore every single part of her. I want her as my own… even if I know I can’t have her.
“Don’t distract her,” I remind myself quietly. “You already did that once. You ruined her time supporting Blood Red Masters, it seems like you created all kinds of issues afterwards, especially when the band turned on her for making the rehab decision… so don’t make it worse. She needs to focus.”
But my hands twitch by my sides, they itch to grab her, to hold her, to have her back where I feel like she belongs. It’s going to be damn hard for me to fight the urge, but I will.
“I found him.” I hear Nathan say on the other side of the door, clearly talking about me. I didn’t even know that he was still hanging around, so this is weird. Immediately, I press my ear against the door. “He’s inside. I just wanted to make sure that you are going to be okay. There is no way this won’t be emotional for you.”
No one answers him. It seems to take forever for Freya to ans
wer. As I wait, I feel bolts of anxiety shooting through me. “I will be fine,” Freya finally replies. “This is Alex. I know him. Even if it gets emotional, all will be good. I appreciate you worrying about me, Nathan, but I’m okay with him.”
I smile to myself as I hear her sticking up for me and us. She’s so wonderful. This is why I can’t ever get her out of my mind. Because she’s always been this amazing person to me. She’s everything.
All of a sudden, I feel the door knob moving which means she’s coming in. I leap backwards like I have been electrocuted and try to stand coolly in the middle of the room like I wasn’t eavesdropping at all. I doubt I will pull it off, but I need to give it a try. I position myself in what I hope is a nonchalant stance.
The door swings open and I melt. There isn’t any other way to describe what happens to me than that. I crumble and completely fall apart. There is no playing it cool when it comes to Freya. How can I be when she is so damn stunning? So heart stopping? When I know that she is the ideal woman for me.
“Alex.” Her hands clutch to her belly. She looks shocked and fearful. “You are here.”
“Sorry, I know that you spotted me in the audience. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I wanted to just watch you, to remember how good things were between us. I didn’t think that…”
“Oh well. The spot lights dimmed.” She nods and busies herself over by the dressing table. I don’t know if she’s really doing something or just trying not to look at me. “So, I could see everyone. I saw Angelo too.”
“Did you spot Rachel with him?” Her eyes snap up to see me. Clearly, she didn’t. “Oh, well they have gone out for drinks now. We can always go and meet them if you want to see her.”
“Oh no.” She shakes her head hard. “No, I don’t think so. I don’t think she wants to speak to me.”
“She does,” I insist. “I know that things have been difficult – because of me – but everyone wants things to get back to normal. Obviously, I wasn’t there to know exactly what happened with everyone, but I know they were shitty with you about rehab, but they all know now that it was the right thing to do. They want to make things right with you. Especially Rachel. She sees you as her friend. I know it.”
I can tell this is too much for Freya right now, which is fair enough. I’m sure she is put out by what happened. I would be too if I were her. But I guess only time can heal that, not me. I need to continue remembering that I can’t do everything, and it isn’t all my responsibility. I can only deal with what I can control.
“Okay, well anyway, you were amazing up there. Even better than I remember. Congratulations on all of the success that has come your way. You deserve every part of it. I hope you know that.”
She takes a seat and gives me a bit of a look. It’s obvious that she can’t meet my gaze properly, it must be a bit too hard for her, but at least she is seeing me a little bit. “I appreciate that, thank you.”
There is a weird silence in the air, and I can’t stand it. I feel utterly compelled to fill it before I end up doing something stupid. The urge to grab her and kiss her already is still burning hard inside of me and I won’t be able to ignore it much longer if I don’t do something else. Just a mini distraction, that’s all.
“So, I’m out of rehab,” I say with a chuckle. “In case you haven’t noticed.”
“Yes, I guessed that much.” A small smile spread across her lips. “So, is life good now?”
“It’s certainly better being out. Although it isn’t the easiest. But I am happy here.”
“That was a bit vague, wasn’t it?” she laughs. “So, life is better but worse as well?”
I burst in to laughter with her. “Yes, I guess so. I don’t know. Maybe? It was easier in rehab because life was controlled so I didn’t need to worry about anything coming my way… but I did miss my life out here and everyone in it. I missed the music, the band, my family, the people… you.” Her face falls a little as I mention her. I don’t think she knows how to take this. Much as I don’t want to pile the pressure on, I do want her to know how I feel. “But now that I’m out, I find it hard being away from the people I met in there. Especially the ones who struggled. I just can’t let myself get too worried about what I can’t control. That’s a part of my issue.”
“Yes, I can imagine that.” She sees me, really sees me now. “I have seen that in you. You do take on too much, don’t you? Or at least you did, beforehand. I suppose I don’t know you too well now.”
I don’t like those words; they stab me like knives. “Freya, you know me better than anyone in the world. No one has known me as well as you because I haven’t let anyone else in. Sure, you saw some ugly sides to me, but that was me as well. I hope that isn’t me anymore, but that was a part of me you saw. You knew.” I find myself drawn nearer to her without me even realizing. “You knew and you still stuck around.”
“I did.” She cocks on eyebrow as she agrees with me. “For some reason.”
“An inexplicable reason.” I sidle even nearer to her. “One that I don’t get yet.”
I breathe her in deep, inhaling every part of her, and I get the craziest flutters of excitement. Freya is familiar. All too familiar in the best way possible, but new as well. To me, this is new because I am new. Yet the chemistry sizzles strongly, I can feel it burning. That hasn’t died through anything, even when everything fell apart. My fingers edge towards her, I want to touch her so badly it hurts. It aches all over.
“I want you.” Those words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them. Shit. Talk about putting the pressure on! That wasn’t what I was supposed to do… but the words are out there now. “I want us to get back to where we were.” Her eyes flicker, but I don’t know what with. “I know that can’t happen right away. I know that I have a lot of making up to do, but I want to try. I want us to get back to what we were.”
“I… I don’t know what to say.” She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “That’s a massive risk for me. I don’t know if you realize how much I feel like I lost when me and you couldn’t work it out. I don’t know if I can go through all of that again. I don’t know if I can hack it.” She clutches her hand to her chest, protecting her heart. “I… I don’t know if I am strong enough. I don’t know if I can hack it. I’m just telling the truth.”
“I know you are.” I reach out and touch her arm. “And I know that taking any kind of risk with me might seem too hard core at the moment, so if you turn me down, I get it. I do. However, I’m not asking the world to stop around us, I just want to try. I just want us to spend some time together, that’s all.”
But her eyes drag up to meet mine and I can see her sky high walls. I have definitely made a mistake coming at her like this, I should have waited and been patient. I should have played the long game…
Then her lips are on mine. I’m stunned, blown away, shocked to the core. Her mouth is on mine and her hands are snaking around my waist to hold on to me. She’s clinging to me like there is no tomorrow which makes me stretch out for her as well. A burning hot relief floods me along with a strong rush of love, and I hook my arms around her. The kiss deepens, her tongue massages mine, I can feel that raw burning passion bolting powerfully between us, holding us together, sealing us in place. Holy fuck, I have missed this. I have missed her…
“I will go out with you,” she bursts as she pulls away from me, just a little bit. “I will. But I need to protect myself as well. I’m sorry if that sounds like a dick, but I haven’t been putting myself first.”
“Of course you haven’t. You’ve had to basically baby sit me. But things are going to change now, I promise you.” I take her hand in mine and shiver with the electrical feel of her skin. “Starting with right now. Come on. Let’s go and have some drinks. Maybe something to eat if you’re hungry. I know I’m always starving after performing.”
She tosses her head back and laughs before nodding. It looks like we are going out.
Chapter 33 - Freya
“Oh my God.” I feel all of the color drain out of my body as I see the other people in this bar. “Angelo.”
I knew that Alex said they were out somewhere, but I didn’t think that he would take me right to them. Especially since I have made it extra clear that I’m not comfortable being around Rachel since she hasn’t spoken to me. Sure, I want to be friends with her again, but I don’t want it to be forced.
Angelo seems to sense us first. He turns to look at me, his face immediately breaking out in to a grin. I know for sure that he doesn’t blame me, that he thanks me for putting his brother in to rehab, but he isn’t the issue.
As my gaze meets Rachel, I can see guilt on her face. Everything that has ever happened between us flows and spreads wide, surrounding us, reminding me again of the good times. If I can focus on the good times and block out the bad and the drama when it comes to Alex – not that I will ever forget it totally – then why can’t I do the same for Rachel. I take the first step towards her and extend my arms extend wide.
“Will you forgive me?” she gushes as she falls in to my arms. “I don’t think you would.”
“Of course I do. I can’t blame you, can I? Not when it was all so stressful.”
We hug for a few moments, all the tension just melting away, before we pull back and smile at one another. Immediately, Alex and Angelo join in with the hug, holding us too.
“I have to ask you something,” Rachel whispers to me, almost as if she thinks that the boys can’t hear us. “Can I? I don’t know if this is something that I should ask you in private or not?”
“I don’t think so.” I narrow my eyes curiously at her. “I can’t think of anything I have to hide…”
She bites down on her bottom lip definitely not sure that this is something she wants to do, before finally she speaks. Her words shocking me to the core. “Sorry if this causes a world of pain, but Travis Benson…”