by Brenda Ford
Pregnant. That’s the part which is getting to me. The whole baby thing. I can’t have a baby, can I? I have already proven that I can’t look after myself. I made a mess of my life here; I am only just getting it back together. I don’t know if this is the right time to bring someone else in to the picture, another life that I will be responsible for. Already, it’s a struggle to get any air into my lungs, and that’s only at the mere mention of the word.
“I can’t… we can’t… not now…” I splutter. “I don’t know if I am any good, if I…”
I stare at Freya, but she isn’t looking at me like she understands me at all. Clearly, my words aren’t getting through to her, and considering the walls of this apartment are already closing in on me, threatening to crush me in an instant, there is only one thing I can do. In the heat of the moment, it’s the most logical thing ever. I bolt towards the door, actually running to get away from the crying Freya. I’m instantly ashamed of my actions, but that does nothing to stop me from following through with it. I run until I hit the outside world and the cold air washes over me. But even that isn’t enough to stop me. I keep on running.
Ring, ring… Fuck, my cell phone. Freya, it must be. Ring, ring…
I don’t stop running. Not at first. Not until the call comes in a second time and I know that it won’t stop. With a strong of curse words flying out of my mouth, I pull it out and hit the answer button. “Hello?”
“Alex? What the fuck is wrong with you? You sound like you have been running?”
“Er, Angelo, yes, I…” I can’t explain. “What’s the matter?”
“Me and Rachel were just wondering if you guys would like to come out tonight for drinks. Not booze.”
“Er, right.” I clasp my hand to my forehead. “I don’t know. I don’t think that is a good idea.”
“No, clearly not. But it is probably a good job that I called you because something is going on. If you have had even one drink, then you need to let me know where you are so I can come and get you. I’m not allowing you to throw everything down the drain because of one night. Don’t lie to me either…”
“I haven’t had a drink.” God, it feels good to be able to say that. For it to be the truth as well. Even in the middle of the shock, even as I ran away, I didn’t want to dive into alcohol. “I just had a shock.”
“I’m getting in the car now. I’m coming to find you. What’s going on?”
“No, you don’t need to find me.” Already I feel stupid for running away. I’m calming down already, and I want to be back with Freya to have an adult discussion about this… if she will even have me back. I can’t blame her if she turns me away. “I just need to get back to Freya. I have been a dick again.”
“What’s happened this time?” Angelo groans. “What’s going on?”
I shouldn’t tell Angelo, not before I have addressed it with Freya, but I want my twin brother to know. I want to hear his words, to have his advice. I need it. “Freya is pregnant. We’re having a baby.”
“And you freaked out because you don’t think you’re good enough?” He immediately hits the nail right on the head. “Okay, tell me where you are because I am coming to meet you for a pep talk. You need it.”
I grin as I reel off where I am. Angelo will sort me out, he will know exactly what to say. I do need him right now. Once he’s sorted me out, I can go back to Freya in the best version of myself that’s possible. The Alex that she deserves!
Chapter 37 - Freya
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you!” I call after Alex as he runs out the door. I don’t think that he hears me, but I scream it anyway because this is his fault. I told him that I wasn’t ready to talk yet and he basically forced it out of me. I wanted to tell him in a nice calm way, not in a way that would make him run. “Fuck!”
Well, he’s gone now. He’s out the door and running away. There isn’t anything that I can do about that. Back when we were on tour and he would run away to a bar, I would always be the one chasing after him, afraid to leave him alone in case he did something to damage himself, but that was then, and this is now. Now I don’t know where he will go, and since he’s sober, I don’t know how much trouble he can get himself into, and I can also see that he needs some space to get his head around this. I had that, I walked around for a long time after leaving the doctor’s office, trying to work out how I felt about it all and I quickly came to the conclusion that while it’s scary and definitely not the right time, there isn’t anyone else in the world that I would rather have a baby with. We have nine months to get used to the idea anyway, so I’m sure that it will be fine…
I wanted to use that nine months to work out the right way to tell Alex the news, but it’s too late for that now.
I head in to the kitchen, deciding to just carry on my night while Alex works out what he’s doing, and I grab a plate to get myself some food. I am starving and he might well be a while. It’s a bit sad to eat the meal that we were supposed to have together alone, but why the hell not? It gives me a good distraction anyway.
I pace the room and chew the food, barely tasting any of it. Much as it would be easier to sit down and eat this, I don’t think I can. While Alex is out there going crazy over this news, I can’t be patient.
My cell phone bleeps and I jump so hard that I almost drop the food everywhere.
Angelo: I have just spoken to Alex. All is fine, I’m just going to have a chat with him.
I smile to myself, relief flooding me as I see these words. I’m sure that Angelo now knows about the baby in my belly. Not that I mind. All the Smith brothers will know soon enough. I’m just glad that Alex isn’t going to be alone to do anything stupid. I want to trust that he won’t end up in a bar now, but now I can be sure. Angelo won’t let Alex do anything stupid. He just won’t. So, now I can really relax.
Freya: Thank you very much. I’m going to be at home all evening if he wants to come back.
The reply is almost instant. I half expect the message to be from someone else because it’s so quick.
Angelo: You are the perfect woman for Alex. He is lucky to have you. You two have a great future ahead of you. He is incredibly lucky to have you in his life. I know he doesn’t always act that way, but he knows it.
Wow. Those words nearly take my breath away. He really does think that we’re good together which is wonderful. His approval means so much to me. Of course it means a lot.
I eat with a smile, okay now. Much better actually. Angelo’s words have brought me back around again. Alex will be back. He will get his head around this and he’ll come back. I don’t know why I even worried at all. It doesn’t mean anything that he freaked out. I did too. This is normal. Just because he hasn’t always acted in a rational way in the past, it doesn’t mean it will happen again. He’s in a better place.
“It will be fine,” I tell myself confidently. “It’s all going to be alright.”
It takes much less time for that prophecy to come true as well. I guess Alex needs much less of a pep talk than any of us were expecting, because it feels like only a short time late that there is a knock at my door. I don’t even need to check, I can already tell that it’s Alex there. My gut is just certain. I can feel it.
“Sorry, I already ate,” I declare as I swing the door open. “I was just starving and eating for two now…”
“I love you,” he gasps out, completely ignoring my statements about food. “I love you so much and I really want to have a baby with you. Of course I do. It just scares me, that’s all. The thought of being a father is too much. I am not good enough for that, I’m not. I can’t look after a child… or at least that’s what I thought, but then I saw Angelo and he told me differently. He told me that I can if I just…”
I cup his cheeks in my hands to stop him from talking. He’s driving himself mad trying to get all of his words out at once. “He believes in you and I do too. We can work through this together. We can. I don’t know what I’m doing either. No one
does when it comes to having a child. You just get to learn along the way.”
He pants a couple of times, gathering up his thoughts once more, and I pause to let him. Yet again, I instinctually seem to know exactly what he needs from me. My pause pays off though because the next thing that happens is his lips crash to mine and he’s kissing me like crazy. The love that we share so deeply flows between us, connecting us together, sealing our love forever more.
He falls through the door and slams it behind us, making his lips pull apart from mine for just a second. I use that moment to just look at him, to drink him in, to really see this wonderful man. This man who is mine. Through everything, he has always come back to me. He has fought so hard to be in my arms, and he won’t stop. How any women have that reassurance? Can know that their love has been through it all and they have come out of it the other side. Me and Alex can now be sure that we can weather anything together.
“I love you too,” I declare loudly. “Sorry, I don’t think that I said that before, but I do.”
He drags me back to him for another kiss, one that continues as we crash through my apartment all the way to the bedroom. I hear stuff crash to the floor as we go, I know we’re knocking stuff everywhere, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I am so wrapped up in him that nothing else even crosses my mind.
“Fuck,” Alex growls as he yanks my top off, his need and desire completely ruling him right now. “How did I almost walk away from you again? How did I make a real fucking mess of this once more?”
“You’re here now. I am too,” I reassure him. “We can get through anything together.”
I fall on the bed behind me as hid fingers loop around the waist band to strip my trousers off too. My panties vanish with them which leaves me pretty much naked. I prop up on my elbows and unhook my bra to whip that off too while Alex undresses himself. I watch in awe as the strip tease really ignites my fire, making me need him even more. That body, that man, the love that we share, fucking hell, that man… I can’t wait for him. My hand slides down my body, I can’t stop myself from heading towards the buzzing. My fingers graze between my thighs as he reveals more of himself to me. I plunge my fingers deep in to myself, the wet heat surrounding my fingers and setting me alight. Whimpers of pleasure rocket through me as my thumb strokes along my clit. Every single time I feel myself and I see him, I lose just that little bit more of me. But in a really good way.
“Fuck, Alex, I can’t believe… I can’t believe that you are mine… that we…”
I cling to him needily as he nears me. His fingers replace mine, which means I can focus on feeling every part of him. I want to hold every muscle, to feel every inch of his skin, to explore all of his pleasure.
“Oh wow.” I press my head backwards in to the pillow as my eager hand wraps around him. His cock is stiff as steel between my fingers, the pleasure powerful as lightning while it bolts through me. I can hardly keep my ass on the bed so Alex can make my body feel that special way only he can. “Oh, Alex.”
His fingers whip away, and I almost scream with frustration. But not for long because his mouth is on me only moments later, his tongue circling me, tracing patterns over my hypersensitive clit, sending me over the edge. I thrash violently as the waves of hot bliss crash over me, but Alex holds me in place so I can’t get away. He forces me to feel every damn bit of the pleasure and I fucking love it. So much so that when he turns me on to my front so he can slip in to me from behind, I poke my ass upwards so he can have better access to me.
Alex grips on to my hips with each thrust, ensuring he slides all the way in to me. The pleasure that his mouth gave me only moments before remains and intensifies all over again. The second orgasm is unexpected. It seems to hit me from nowhere and it causes me to fall face first in to the pillow which swallows up my screams. The screams that only Alex can gain from me. He has this magical way of making me feel everything.
“Oh my God, I love you so much,” I gasp as we collapse on to sheets together, panting through the post orgasmic bliss. “I love you so much, Alex. I’m so glad that you came back to me. I’m glad you didn’t go for good. I don’t know what I would have done if… if I had lost you.”
He holds me and pulls me to him. “It doesn’t matter how many times that I run away. No matter how many times I freak out about things and I run away, I will always come back to you. I hope you know that.”
I lean my head on his chest and listen to his heart racing, grinning to myself as I do. “I know. I know you will. I know that I don’t have to worry about you anymore because you will always return.”
He rubs my arm, softly and reassuringly. “I hope that doesn’t mean you’ve stopped worrying about me completely. I wouldn’t like to know that the only person who cared enough to send me to rehab has stopped.”
I lean up and smile at him. “Never ever. That is something you can always be sure of.”
As we look in to one another’s eyes, and we share a look of love at long last. A genuine love that is no longer tormented by anything. Me and him will make it, even though it hasn’t ever seemed like we will, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.
Chapter 38 - Alex
Four Months Later…
Oh my God, this is amazing! Absolutely incredible. I don’t know what I was even worried about. Standing up here on stage and singing my heart out for the fans who have continued to support us through everything, me through everything, is the best feeling in the world. Of course everyone was nervous for this mini tour to begin, even if there aren’t many dates, just the ones to replace the ones we missed, but I think this is going well. For the first date, we have a lot of happy people around us, and I think that I might be kicking ass.
I glance around the crowd seeing all the happy fans wearing the merchandise I brought for them. Maybe they weren’t happy with me beforehand. I might have even turned them away from Blood Red Masters for a while. But now, they are back with a vengeance. Loving us as much as they always did.
But it isn’t just the fans watching out there. It’s everyone in my life. My brothers, their partners – the ones that aren’t still single anyway – my friends, Freya, and her friends too. Even Cody. Finally, he found his inner strength and he managed to battle his demons enough to be out of rehab. I don’t know what his journey is and we don’t share that. Now, we are just normal friends who met in a strange way, that’s all. Everyone in the world has come to make sure that I am alright, and I love them for it. I wouldn’t be here without them.
I lock eyes Freya and grin as I sing, every single word all for her. She is the main one who has got me to here, and I know that together we can survive it all. Even the little round belly forming on her now, and the child inside. Sure, I might have been scared at first, but some parenting education has helped. I feel a little better equipped anyway. Plus, it isn’t like me and her are going to be alone, is it? We have my massive family and Freya’s parents as well. Her mom and dad who surprisingly like me, considering. I was so nervous meeting them, I assumed that they would hate me, especially since she already had a baby in her belly before we laid eyes on one another and I had been I rehab… but they were accepting. They trust Freya’s decisions, and we get along well now.
It’s a shock considering where I started, but somehow, everything is all together. My life is in order. I actually have everything that I want and more. I must be the luckiest man alive. People don’t often get second chances like this one and I am definitely not going to blow it. I am going to make the most of every day.
As the song comes to a stop, Gary holds up his hand to prevent everyone else from doing anything, which is weird because we’re supposed to dive right in to the next song. But I’m sure that he knows what he’s doing…
“Thank you everyone for coming,” he calls in to the microphone, bringing out cheers from the crowd. “We appreciate it, especially when we know that it hasn’t been the easiest for all of you. I know that not everyone could make it
for this tour date who was supposed to, which is sad but I’m sure that Alex has done what he can to make up for it. He has worked hard and been very passionate about that as I’m sure you have seen.”
For those who couldn’t be here, I have sent them all kinds of merch and some special recordings of exclusive songs to try and placate them. I think that it’s worked. I hope so anyway. I have had only positive feedback, but I suppose I can never be sure. I just have to hope that I have done enough.
“We are all proud of Alex and where he has come from where he was. Since he’s been honest with you about his struggles, I’m sure you all know what I mean by this.” More cheers leave me unsure if I want to laugh or cry. This speech is more emotional than I thought it would be. I think that might have something to do with the person delivering it. Gary was my biggest critic throughout, now he’s my biggest supporter. He always knew that I had more in me, which is why he got annoyed, so it feels good to make him proud. “And we are all so pleased to see the recovery that he has made. He has got to the top now, and he will keep on climbing. I’m sure you all see that just as much as I do. So, let’s all give a big cheer for Alex! Celebrate his success because he is amazing.”
The crowd yells and screams for me, my friends, family, and Freya the loudest of them all, which makes me feel amazing. I didn’t need anything to be said to me, I wasn’t expecting any of it. But it’s great to be here, to hear it all, to know not to fall down that crazy path once more. I can’t and I definitely won’t.
“Now come on, I want you all to sing with me through this next one. Join in with our celebration!”
I use that surge of positivity to carry me through the next song, and all of the ones that follow. I give it my all, remembering the early days of being in the band, before things got complicate, when this was the most thrilling thing ever. Playing my music was all that I wanted and more. It’s been forever since I felt only that. At one point, I fear I might even feel tears streaming down my cheeks because I’m such an emotional wreck, but I keep on going. I push forward through it all, knowing that this day will determine the rest of my life.