by Brenda Ford
“I know. If there is one thing that I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that. Holding things in didn’t solve anything. Nor did talking to you, I guess, but at least it’s off my chest a bit. At least I’m not alone.”
“Well that is one hell of a lesson to learn. So, at least something good has come out of it.”
I don’t look at anyone as I leave the office. I do feel Violet’s eyes upon me, but I’m hoping that she thinks I’m too focused on the ‘emergency’ to communicate with anyone. I can’t put this problem off forever, like everything I will have to face it soon enough, but not today. Today I just want to get my head in order.
I step outside and pause for a second to let the refreshing cold air to wash over me. I feel much less trapped out here which is a relief. There aren’t any expectations weighing on my shoulders, no one asking me how I am, no eyes piercing through me as they try to work out what my ‘personal issues’ are. No, out here, I can just walk and breathe. Stop worrying about all the things that I no longer have any control over. I mean, I can’t make Rosie respond to me and want to be my friend again. I can’t stop Violet from asking me out. I can’t make Ellie come back and want to speak to me… all I can control is how I behave, how I act now… and there are certainly some areas of improvement that I can make. I can’t keep switching off from life like I have been.
I pass the usual coffee shops that I would normally head in to because I fancy a change, and I wander around the corner. I keep walking and walking until a warm, yellow themed café draws me in. There’s something welcoming about it that I can’t resist. I walk inside ready with the money in my hand to get a drink. The shop is in a good spot to people watch anyway, which might be a good way to pass some time on my mental health day. I have already spotted a table by the window where I want to take a seat… well, that’s if everyone in this giant queue doesn’t take that table before me. God, it must be good here because it’s so popular.
I take out my cell phone as I wait and scroll through social media aimlessly. I don’t know what I do this for really, it’s just a habit because I don’t ever see anything that I’m really interested in. Just people I don’t really care about. Not enough to connect with in real life anyway. I need to break out of it.
Then I notice a picture, one that catches me and nearly knocks me sideways. A photo of Rosie looking happy and full of joy, looking like she’s about to go on a night out or something. The fact that I don’t know where she’s going makes me sad. Me and Rosie used to share everything with on another… although I am glad that she doesn’t look like she’s hurting anymore. Maybe soon I will try and speak to her again.
My finger hovers over the ‘like’ button. I almost press it on more than one occasion, but I stop myself at the last moment. That isn’t the way to reconnect with my friend again.
I glance upwards down the queue, noticing that everyone is doing the same thing. They are all staring at their phone, missing the people who aren’t in their lives anymore rather than focusing on those who are. I stuff my cell phone away, resolving not to do that anymore. I will focus on what I do have rather than what I don’t.
“How can I help you?” comes the sunny voice from behind the counter, trying to drag someone’s eyes off their phone screen. I want to laugh at the silliness of it, but I have only just stopped looking at my own screen. I’m not in any position to be judging other people. “Excuse me, sir, how can I help you?”
All of a sudden, I realize something that stops any laughter from bubbling up. The voice is attached to a face that I recognize. One that I didn’t expect to see again. Yet fate brought me in here, it’s dragged me in to see her, proving once and for all that I do need to have this conversation after all. Whatever Brad thinks about it.
It’s her.
Ellie.
Oh… my… God…
Chapter 28 - Ellie
Why doesn’t anyone pay any attention? I think angrily to myself as I try desperately to get the attention of the man who’s staring at his phone screen like it holds all the answers to life. I don’t mind people getting lost in the world of technology, but when there is a big queue and I’m trying to get on with my job, it’s annoying.
But it’s my first week working here. I can’t be rude yet. I need to figure out where I belong here first.
I was so happy to get this job, it’s absolutely perfect for me. I can fit my hours in around Seth, with some help from Auntie Amelia, of course, and it’s within walking distance. It’s great and the manager was willing to give me a chance despite my lack of experience, so I need to keep it together for the time being. I need to contain any anger I feel and recall that ‘the customer is always right’. Always, even when they aren’t.
“Excuse me, sir?” I say a little more firmly. “Can I help you please?”
Luckily, the woman standing behind him gets irritated and does the thing for me to be rude to that person. He then barks an order at me, speaking to me like I’m worthless, but still I don’t react. I simply suck in a couple of deep breaths, think about Seth and remember that I’m doing this for him, and get on with making the drink. Luckily, that’s a process that I have committed to memory already since it’s the most important part of the job. I could do it with my eyes closed. I can sure as hell do it when my temper is firing up and winding me up.
I finally hand the drink to him and take his money before starting the whole process again with the woman behind him. She was all in a rush a moment ago, but now she’s in the middle of a ‘very important business call’, so she makes me wait. Which I do, however gritted my teeth are, until I can take her order as well.
At least I’m working to live, I think to reassure myself. And not living to work.
I have seen a lot of that here, being in the center of a lot of office blocks. People who assume that their identities need to be wrapped up in their careers. It’s all they care about, all they think about, all they worry about. In a way, it makes me glad that I didn’t have the high school experience that could have led to good grades because now I can live my life in a different way. One that I’m sure I will find much more satisfying.
I serve the next few people in a bit of a daze, barely focusing on them at all. Instead, I’m concentrating on being happy with at least some of the decisions that I’ve made. It’s nice not to be filled with endless self-doubt.
“Hi, can I… I…” Oh my God. The words fall apart on my lips as I see someone I wasn’t expecting to ever have to face again, Certainly not in here, while I’m in the middle of my job. Not only do my cheeks heat up, but my whole body too. The heat makes the blood crash through my body hard. “Can I help y… you?”
“Are you okay, Ellie?” he asks in a strained quiet voice, just like mine. “I have wanted to see you, but I haven’t had the chance to do so. I didn’t know you were going to leave, or I would have come for you sooner.”
I open and close my mouth a few times, unable to get any words out. How is this happening right now? How in all the coffee shops around has he ended up here? No one knows where I work yet.
“Please talk to me, Ellie. I know that I was a shit to you. Believe me, I have tortured myself over it. I shouldn’t have walked away from you like that, especially since it was your birthday. I should have talked to you…”
“Oh well, it’s okay,” I hiss back, wanting to end this conversation before anyone hears it. “It was a shock. I don’t blame you for anything. There’s no need now to have a talk about any of it.”
“But I want to,” he insists much to my dismay. “I don’t want it to end like that.”
End. So, it’s still going to be the end then. That’s disappointing, but hardly a surprise. He isn’t going to swoop in here and want me back, is he? Especially if he’s with Rosie. I don’t know if he is or not, but I guess so.
“I think I should just get your coffee. There is a big queue behind you and I don’t want to make people wait…”
“Please don’t try and play it of
f, Ellie. Please,” he begs. “We need this. Even if I can’t talk to you now because you’re working then can I meet you after work? Just for five minutes of your time. That isn’t too much to ask.”
I don’t want to. Every instinct inside of me is screaming at me to run in the opposite direction, but I know that he isn’t here to take no for an answer. He has found his way here and he knows what he wants. If I don’t want this to turn in to a big deal with everyone getting involved – my colleagues who I barely know yet, and all the customers – then I need to say yes. So, I take the easiest way out and I nod.
“Okay fine. Now will you tell me what drink you want so I can make it already?”
“Coffee.” He nods. “Black. No fuss. You know me.”
Urgh, does he have to give me that heart stopping smile? Do my insides have to do flip flops? And why does my breath feel the need to get stuck in my throat? I already know this isn’t going to go a good way. I’m only going t end up with a shattered heart all over again. More feelings just to be destroyed by him.
My head spins as I make the coffee. I spill some down myself because my hands are trembling so much. I’m a fucking mess. All dizzy and messed up over him. Today won’t be a good one. Thank goodness Auntie Amelia has Seth all night tonight because I won’t be finishing until late and she misses him too.
Although that might mean a night of me sobbing all by myself.
“There.” I hand the cup to him, unable to meet his eyes. “That’s two fifty.”
“I was going to drink this inside,” he tells me, causing vomit to swirl. “But I think I might go outside actually. Take a walk around as I drink my coffee. Then I can return when you are finished.”
Wow. He can see how anxious I am, and he wants to make it easier for me. I probably should be grateful for this, but I’m just embarrassed. I mean, he could be here to tell me that him and Rosie are fully together now, and I just have to get on with it. He could just want to be friends. It isn’t going to be good. The fact that I’m shaking and all nervous and upset about it is too much for words.
“I finish at six PM,” I snap, almost angrily at him. “I will see you then.”
“Six PM?” This seems to amuse him. Or perhaps it’s just my state of mind. “Great, I look forward to it.”
“Mhmm.” I’m burning. All over. “Yes, I suppose so. Then we can… talk.”
He hands me the cash, gives me one last smile, takes his drink and leaves. I watch him go, feeling everything rushing through me as he does. I don’t want to still be so emotional about everything, I wish I could just switch everything off, but I can’t. It’s all still bubbling and will be for a while.
“Can I make an order please?” a snappy woman practically yells at me, shaking me from my thoughts. “I am in a bit of a rush here and I have been kept waiting for a while now.”
“Right, sure.” I shake my head, trying to get back in to reality. “Sorry, yes, what can I get you?”
I feel like I’m in a haze, trying to get through the shift while I’m wandering through a marsh. It’s difficult, incredibly hard, and makes me want to run. But I can’t run now, or I will always wonder ‘what if?’. Much as I don’t want to face this chat I have to. I need to know what he’s going to say, even if it tortures me.
Oh God, it’s going to torture me, isn’t it? It will absolutely kill me. What am I doing?
“Excited to leave, Ellie?” my co-worker, Marie, asks. “You keep looking at the door.”
“Hmm? Do I?” I try to play it off, but I don’t think I’m doing the best job. “I didn’t realize.”
“Well, five minutes and you can escape, so you don’t have to worry.” She nudges me playfully in the side, which makes me laugh. This is the one girl who I think will become my friend here.
“That’s true.” I force a smile on my lips. “It’s been a long day.”
“Your feet tired? Or does it maybe have something to do with that smoking hot guy who came in here earlier? The one who had you blushing from your head to your toes?”
“I…” She, she did notice. I should have guessed as much. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You aren’t ashamed of him, are you? Because he is hot. Seriously. If you don’t want him, I will take him.”
I try and get out a laugh, but I can’t manage it. “It’s a bit of a complicated situation.”
“Well, we have five minutes. See how much of it you can get out in that time.” When I don’t respond, she shrugs. “Come on, we are friends, aren’t we? That’s what friends do.”
The word ‘friends’ lures me in. I do need some real friends, some unlike any I have had before. Someone to actual confide in about things, who won’t judge me and will just be there for me. If I can’t find a friend at work, then where can I? And I do like Marie, I’m pretty sure I can trust her as well.
“Okay, well me and him dated,” I try and rush through it. “But kind of in secret because he’s my cousin, Rosie’s, best friend and I didn’t want it to get all messy. But it did anyway.”
“How did it get messy? And why is he back now? He must really like you.”
“No, I don’t think that is it. He broke things off when he found out how much younger I am than him and we haven’t spoken since. He’s twenty three and I’m obviously just turned eighteen, so I was seventeen for some of the time that we were together. So, it freaked him out. Then Rosie broke up with her boyfriend for him.” I huff sadly. “So, we ended up having a massive fight over him. Then I moved out and I haven’t seen either of them since. Not until I looked up and he was on the other side of the counter.”
“It’s like the most beautiful love story ever,” Marie coos, much to my surprise.
“Did you just hear my story?” I exclaim. “There isn’t anything romantic about it.”
“Oh, there is,” she replies knowingly. “And you will see, just you wait.”
I tut and roll my eyes, trying to act like she isn’t getting my hopes up at all, but she is. I can’t help it. It’s what I want to happen, what I dream of, but what will never become the truth…
Chapter 29 - Oliver
She’s beautiful. It strikes me hard as I enter the coffee shop the second time. Knowing that I’m going to see her makes her look striking as I finally lay my eyes on her. Without the haze of shock surrounding me, I can truly appreciate how incredible she is. And she really is something special… it’s no wonder that I didn’t think she was only seventeen years old. I never questioned it because she looks so much older. Even now that I know.
I find her in the middle of an in depth conversation with one of the girls she’s working with, a slightly serious expression on her face, and I simply remain where I am for a moment just watching her. Admiring her. But it isn’t long before she feels the sensation of my eyes upon her, and she turns to face me. Her eyes light up. I think she wants to reel herself in because she doesn’t know what way this conversation will go, but she’s happy.
God, I wish we didn’t have to cut things off. I so wish this wasn’t a closure conversation to end things. It would make me so much happier if I could just cut through everything, forget all the issues, and just be together. But the issues remain. We’re still in different places in our lives so we can’t make it work.
Could we be friends again? I wonder curiously as I shoot her a smile. Is that possible?
I would like that because I do get on well with Ellie, we do have a good connection, but I don’t know if feelings would always be a problem. For both of us, I imagine. It would always be complicated.
As unfortunate as it is, I think this is really going to have to be the closure chat I planned on.
She takes off her apron and hugs her friend goodbye before making her way over to me. She has a coy smile playing on her lips, a little blush in her cheeks, a little twinkle on her eyes.
“Hey,” she practically whispers. “Shall we get out of here?”
“We could have a coffee here if you want?�
�� I offer, thinking that she might be more comfortable.
“Oh no.” Instantly, without hesitation, she shoots down that idea. “I would rather go somewhere anonymous. I don’t want people to be listening in. Plus, I’ve been here all day, so I’d rather go somewhere else.”
“Sure.” I smile and hold the door open for her. “Wherever you want. You lead the way.”
We walk along the side walk in silence. There are many times that I want to break it because it’s getting a little strained, but I don’t. I think we need to wait until we’re sitting down before anything gets said. Luckily, it isn’t long before she picks another cute little coffee shop and she finds a little table for us to sit at.
“What would you like to drink?” I offer her. “I would say coffee, but you’ve been around it all day.”
“Yes, I would like a cup of tea please.” She smiles up at me. “Thank you.”
I order the drinks, trying to act normally despite the fact that my heart is thundering in my chest. My breath gets caught in my throat on more than one occasion. I’m not as strong as I would like to be. My knees practically knock together as I walk back to the table. It’s a real struggle not to spill the drinks but I just about manage it.
“So… how have you been?” I start, getting the bland question out first. “Some big changes for you.”
“Mhmm yes. New house, new job, yes, it’s been a bit crazy. But crazy in a good manner. This is the right direction for me to go in, so I’m glad that I’ve made some positive changes. I’m happy… yes, I’m happy.”
“Good, I’m glad to hear it.” I gulp, wondering if she’s happy without me, if that’s part of the issue.
“What about you? How are things with you?” She stares at me expectantly.
“Okay. Yes, things are okay. It’s been… it’s been a bit different without you around.”
“Different how?” she snaps back right away, taking the words out of my mouth. I don’t know how to answer this in an honest way. This seems to inspire something new in her because her whole body language changes. “Listen, I know that we had a horrible ending between us, but it’s probably for the best, isn’t it? Because Rosie has made her feelings very clear. I don’t want to fight with my cousin anymore.”