by Brenda Ford
I don’t even bother to correct her when she gets my name wrong. It’s probably for the best. At least she has a clue what I’m called. I wouldn’t even know where to begin when it comes to hers. A letter or anything.
“I have a… project,” I lie. “That I have been avoiding for far too long hoping that it will just go away. But it isn’t going anywhere. So, I need to just deal with it already.”
God, that’s actually a little too close to the truth. Not that I have a work project that needs my attention because I would never let anything business related fall to the side. I don’t exactly work well under pressure; my best work comes when I tackle an issue right away and I tackle it from all angles… shame I can’t have the same attitude when it comes to my personal life because I could really do with snapping in to action right now.
“And you have to do that right now? It can’t wait?” she barks, a little angrier now. “Because you swore that you would buy me breakfast and you haven’t. You are trying to run away. That makes you a liar. You know that, right? If you’re willing to lie to me this early on, then you aren’t going to be good news at all.”
“You’re right.” I head for the front door in a hurry. “I am bad news. You want to keep away from me.”
“You should have told me that last light, you fucking asshole,” she growls. “I wouldn’t have let you in my bed other wise. I don’t just sleep with anyone you know. How dare you use me like that…”
“Sorry,” I try because I don’t want to be an asshole. I am, but I don’t want to be. “Sorry, I…”
“Don’t you fucking day sorry to me, you piece of shit. How dare you? How absolutely dare you…?”
As she screams after me, I make my escape. A wave of guilt washes over me, I feel absolutely dreadful about hurting that woman’s feelings just to try and make my own better, but I can’t change that now. All I can really do is make the future better. And I suppose that starts with finally braving up and speaking to Zoe.
“Fuck,” I mutter as I practically run away from her apartment and towards my own home. “Fuck!”
I don’t want to face Zoe; I never have done. I simply want to bury my head in the sand and act like this isn’t happening, but it is. If this was going to be some sort of joke, then she would have put a stop to it by now. She would have told me that it was all over. But she hasn’t, which means there must be a baby in that woman’s stomach and there is a chance that it could belong to me. I am usually very anal about protection, it’s one of the things that I pride myself on, but I guess in the heat of the moment I forgot about it. I just got carried away.
Well, that isn’t something that I will ever do again. That’s a mistake I can’t ever make. I’m a commitment phobe, in too much of a mess to really be a father. This isn’t something that I can do… but I can’t keep hiding away from it either. I can’t pretend it isn’t happening because it is. It’s spiraling, snow balling, happening far too quickly. The longer that I avoid it, the bigger the problem will become. I am twenty years old now. Too old to let these things just happen without dealing with them. I need to tackle this head on.
But home first. That’s what I need to do. I need to get home and shower, get my head in order before I can tackle anything properly. This isn’t just a silly little decision, such as which bar to go to so I can find the hottest chick to pull, this is a woman who I might not have anything in common with and I might not like, but who might have my baby growing inside of her. I need to find the right way to deal with this or my whole life might come crashing down around me, and I don’t think that I can walk away. I was forced to grow up with no parents – not through their own fault, they were killed in an accident when I was young – I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through the same. No way.
Chapter 2 - Zoe
“Come on, Grandma, you have to take these meds,” I whisper desperately to her. “I know that you don’t like them, but they are keeping you going. You know that I need you to keep going, right?”
God, she has no idea how much I need her to keep going. Now more than ever before. She’s literally the only family that I have left now, and I can’t lose her just because she doesn’t like her tablets. I need to have someone on my side, anyone who can help me through this really difficult time. Not that she knows it’s a difficult time…
My hand flutters to my stomach and I think about what’s going on in there. It’s such a strange sensation, a massive part of me yet detached from me as well. Another being inside of my own body. One that half belongs to me, but half belongs to him as well. It’s got to be the strangest thing in the world, and I can’t share it with anyone. Especially not my grandmother because she has enough going on with her right now.
I can’t pile on and be a burden, I have never been able to do that, and I won’t now. I refuse.
Oh God, I’m not ready for this. That concept feels like a punch in the face. I can’t do this alone. I can’t be a mother. I’m only twenty two years old, I can’t be a single mother. I won’t be able to cope.
As much as everyone has doubted me in every area of my life, no one has ever doubted me as much as I have myself. I have always put myself down and feared that I can’t cope with whatever life has thrown my way. High school… I freaked myself out about that more than anyone else could have. I predicted that I wouldn’t fit in, so of course, I didn’t. College was going to be a struggle; I knew that I would find it hard before I did. Then my new job… well how was someone like me going to fit in at a place like that? It doesn’t matter how good I am at the work, how many times I prove myself, people like him will always look down on me.
And that isn’t even to mention my personal relationships. Sure, not having a family unit to speak of hasn’t helped things, it can’t have done, but that isn’t an excuse for going for the wrong guys over and over again, ignoring all the red flags even when they are obvious. I should have guessed that me and my ex weren’t going to get married before he left me at the altar. He wasn’t as in to me as I was him, and towards the end I don’t even know if I was that in to him either. I was more clinging to what could be, not what was.
But that doesn’t mean that I should have screwed around with fucking Wesley Smith. My God damn enemy. How did I even let that happen? Why was I so stupid? And why didn’t I insist on protection so that our one night of stupidity could be just forgotten, not the start of something that is going to last our whole lives?
“Are you okay?” Grandma asks me while giving me one of her really intense looks. “You seem off.”
“I want you to take these tablets, Grandma, that’s all.” I force a smile on my face. “Then everything will be okay again. So, please… will you please just take them already? I really don’t want to fight with you about this.”
She grabs them from my hands, over coming all of the weakness inside of her body, and she takes them while managing to look at me defiantly at the same time. “It isn’t that. I know you, Zoe Portwood. It’s so much more.”
I roll my eyes and turn away from her. The problem is she does know me. She knows exactly what I’m like. She has always been able to see when I am on auto pilot and battling with my own self doubt. This woman knows everything about me, and she will do what she can to help me, to get my issues out of me. She means well, but this is too heavy. This is something that I absolutely need to deal with alone.
“I’m very tired, Grandma,” I told her, giving her only half a lie. Being pregnant and not speaking to the father is exhausting enough. “Work is stressful at the moment. That’s all. Nothing to worry about.”
“I don’t know if I can believe that.” She curls her hand around my arm. “I’m worried for you, Zoe.”
“Please don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I always will be. You know me, I can get through anything.”
“This isn’t something that you want to talk to me about?” she offers. “You aren’t still upset over that stupid boy, are you? Because like I have already told you, he doesn’t de
serve any of your tears.”
“He left me at the altar, Grandma. Of course I’m not going to cry over him. I’m fine. Just glad that I kept my apartment and everything. I could have been a lot messier if I have given up everything for him. I guess a part of me always knew that it wasn’t going to work out.” I shrug sadly. “Anyway, it’s better now.”
“Yes, it is. It’s better now.” Grandma nods determinedly. “So, you make sure that you never go back. Men like hat don’t get better. They never improve. You can’t change them, so it’s best to keep away.”
Of course, as she says this, I’m not thinking about my ex fiancé anymore. I’m thinking about him. Wesley Smith. The man who I already know that I shouldn’t go back to, nor do I want to, but I guess that I am going to have to have a conversation with him at some point. I’m going to have to step back in to the lion’s den for a solution. He might think that he can just ignore this, and it will all go away, but it doesn’t work like that.
Not for me anyway. I can’t run away because wherever I go, the baby will come with me.
“Anyway, Grandma, I think that it’s time to get you in to bed. Don’t you?” I give her that false smile once more. “It’s getting late and as far as you know, I might well have massive plans tonight.”
“Do you?” she asks wryly, already knowing the answer to that one. “Because I don’t buy it.”
“Alright, maybe not. But I am tired, so I need to get some rest, so come on.”
I lift Grandma up and she leans on me as I take her across her home to her bedroom. It’s sad to see this fiery woman who used to be so independent need me, to think that this might happen to me some day, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not here to help her. Whatever the hell she needs, I will be here for her.
“You are a good girl,” Grandma comments as she leans her head back on the pillows. “You deserve someone really good to look after you. You deserve the whole world. Don’t you ever forget that.”
I try to smile and nod, but all I can think about is Wesley. It doesn’t matter who I deserve, that’s the man that I have ended up creating a life long bond with. Whether I like it or not, that’s what I have got.
“Love you, Grandma.” I lean down and kiss the top of her head. “I will see you tomorrow, okay?”
“You know you don’t have to come every day, Zoe?” she says quietly, just like she does every single day before I leave. “I appreciate it, but I can get a carer in to look after me. You don’t have to put your life on hold.”
“It isn’t like that, Grandma. I want to come and see you. You are my family.”
“I know, but you deserve to have a life as well. You know that I won’t be around forever…”
“Don’t even say that,” I bark, maybe a little angrier than I intend to. “I don’t even want to think about it, Grandma. I need you to stick around for as long as you can. You are all that I have.”
She nods silently, her eyes already drifting closed thank goodness, and she eventually falls asleep. As she does, I let just one tear drip down my cheek. The sadness of that statement is too much for me right now. She really is all that I have. It isn’t like I have friends climbing out the walls to grab hold of me once I leave here. The people that I connect with these days are mostly through work and I don’t exactly love them.
I can’t think about Grandma leaving me. I won’t be able to handle life once she has gone. She’s my rock, the person who I need to get me through life. I don’t even mind looking after her as long as she’s still here.
I grab my things and leave Grandma’s, crying as I go. Heading back to my cold lonely apartment with all of this floating through my mind isn’t ideal, and it’s exactly the sort of thing that requires tears… even for someone who isn’t much of a crier. And I am definitely not. But right now, I can’t seem to stop myself.
I must be unlovable; I think angrily to myself. That’s the only solution that I can come up with.
I grab out my cell phone to call the one person who I am still in touch with. Someone that I have been friends with for years. Even when I haven’t managed to fit in anywhere else, she has always been there for me. The funny thing is she isn’t much like me either. No one would assume that we would be friends, but we are.
We are and I miss her like crazy. I would love her to be here right now. Jessica Ward. My best friend. My distant best friend who got out of this town as soon as the chance came for her. Not that I can blame her.
“Hey, Zoe!” she cries out loudly as soon as she picks up. It’s immediately obvious that she’s at some fancy New York city party, the sort that comes hand in hand with her glamorous public relations job. I can just see her now in a little tight black dress and high heels with a cocktail in her hand. “How’s it going?”
I part my lips, about to allow some of my pain to spill out, but it doesn’t come. To speak to her right now about what’s going on with me would be selfish. I’m not going to burden myself on my friend. She doesn’t deserve it.
“I’m good, Jessica,” I reply with a falseness to my tone. “How are you?”
“Oh, I’m amazing. You should see where I am right now. At a celebrity party. It’s so much fun and so glamorous as well. I would love it if you could be here and see it because it’s so much fun.”
“Yeah?” Not my idea of fun, but that doesn’t matter. “Tell me about it.”
I turn off from my own problems as I can hear her telling me all about the celebrities that she can see from where she’s standing – most of whom I have no idea who they even are – and I laugh along with her. At least I have someone to up lift my spirits, even if I can’t share my problems right now. It feels so much better to laugh than cry. Now I just need to keep trying to laugh because if I sob again, I might not stop.
Chapter 3 - Wesley
There she is, I think to myself as I spy Zoe across the office. It’s time to go and talk to her already.
I know that’s what I need to do, it’s what I have already decided, but now that I’m here really facing it, I don’t know what’s stopping me. I don’t know how to even begin getting this conversation started. How do I say after running out on her like a fucking coward that now I want to talk to her about our child? It isn’t a normal conversation to have. There aren’t any books on this kind of thing. Maybe there would be something if I searched online, but I don’t really think that the Internet is the best place for me to start getting any kind of advice.
She looks okay, doesn’t she? I wonder as I look at her laughing at something together with our co-worker, and she doesn’t look too pissed off. Or upset. Not like she was when she first told me about the baby, and she was sobbing. She looks calm and really in control of herself. Much better than I feel inside. I can do this.
But still I don’t move from my desk. Still I remain seated and I look at her across the room. It’s like I am frozen to the spot, unable to shift any part of myself, stuck in this limbo. And this limbo is where I will remain until I force myself across the office and I just talk to her already. She needs me to do this as much as I need it too. I don’t need to have much love for the woman to know what the right thing to do is.
I drag myself up. My body feels heavy as I do, but I fight against it and I keep on going. I walk towards her, my feet barely touching the floor as I go, until eventually I lean my hands on her desk. Of course, Zoe looks at me like I have lost my damn mind, as does Hannah. It’s no secret that there isn’t any love lost between us, so I guess it makes sense for this to freak people out. I wish that they wouldn’t though. This is hard enough as it is.
“What do you want?” Zoe snaps angrily at me. “I’m trying to get some work done around here.”
“I was just wondering if you have a moment. I would like to talk to you.” She cocks one eyebrow at me but says nothing. I’m really going to have to force this if I want it to happen. “Alone, if possible.”
Hannah makes a playful noise as if this is some kind of joke. She obviously has no real
idea about what’s going on, or she wouldn’t behave this way. But I don’t care about Hannah and her bullshit, she isn’t who I need to speak to right now. I would much prefer not to speak to her at all if possible.
“Erm, yeah, right.” A blush consumes Zoe’s cheeks as she rises upwards. I can tell that the only reason she is really agreeing to this is because she doesn’t want everyone to keep looking at us. It isn’t ideal, but if that’s what gets her talking to me, then I will go along with it. Whatever she needs. “Just a moment though.”
As we walk away from our desks, I realize that I haven’t planned this far ahead. I don’t know where to go, where me and Zoe can have this in-depth conversation. We can’t exactly go to the canteen because there is always someone in there, and there aren’t many areas of this office that aren’t filled with a desk. It’s safe to say that our company uses up every inch of space well which doesn’t help me right now.
“Er, will this do?” Zoe asks nervously once we reach the small hallway by the cleaning closet. “There isn’t anyone ever around here, so if you need to talk… well, we could talk here, couldn’t we?”
“I suppose so.” She stands opposite me and gives me an expectant look.
“So, what is this about?”
I really want to spill it already, but the anticipation is getting too much for me. There’s a strange zinging sensation between us that could be the intense hate between us or maybe it’s something else. Something that I don’t quite want to deal with. It reminds me a little bit of that night and how it felt then. It’s hard for me to swallow that down and to just ignore it as it fizzes hard between us. She has to be feeling it too, I can just tell. Yet Zoe seems to be pushing it down much better than I am. She can handle it in a way that I can’t.