by Brenda Ford
It was a roller coaster, a horrible ride that left me sick and dizzy at the end. It took me a long time to get back up on my feet and to see steady once more. I can’t climb willingly back on to that ride. It doesn’t matter how much my body wants to race out there to find out what’s going on, I can’t. I really can’t.
But why is she here? I need to know. I can’t help needing to know. It’s been five years since she upped and left, and I know that she properly went because there wasn’t any sign of her at her apartment. She definitely got on a plane and went somewhere, leaving all of this behind, leaving me behind, and she didn’t even say goodbye. If that wasn’t a sign that she was more than done with me, then I don’t know what was…
But what is this a sign of? Why the hell is she back? Why now? What could she want?
Maybe I should go outside. She may have some things that she wants to say to me. After all, not only is she back but she’s hanging around outside the old office right at lunch time. It doesn’t matter how long it has been, she must know the working hours of this place. It’s pretty damn obvious, they are very standard, which might mean that she has come here for a reason. To talk to me. Who else could it be? Andy? No, I’m sure she said everything that she needed to when she handed in her resignation. Hannah? No, I don’t think her either because if those two really were friends then they would have remained friends after she left. It has to be me.
So now, that leaves me with just one choice. Do I go out there and face her or do I hide away? If I stay here, then I am accepting and embracing the life that I have right now. I’m taking everything that I currently have and staying with it, knowing that this is all I will ever have. I have been telling everyone that I am happy, I’ve been convincing the whole damn world that I’m doing okay and I’m happy as I am, but… am I? Really?
If I go out there, I mess up the status quo. For bad or good, I don’t know. But it will change things. I have been level headed without Zoe, coping, getting by… she could completely up end things right now.
But she’s here for a reason, isn’t she? And I don’t think that I will ever be able to cope if I don’t learn what that reason is. I will always be asking myself ‘what if?’ and I have a feeling that those regrets will eat me up even more than that ones that are based on actions that I have actually taken.
I push the door open. Quietly, slowly, not wanting to cause any kind of squeak. I don’t want to get her attention before I’m ready for it. This moment is going to be massive, there is no telling how huge, and I need to be ready to face it. My heart is already thundering, my breaths sharp and ragged, I think that I might even be shaking with nerves. I take a tentative step, staring at her hair blowing in the wind, wondering if she can sense my eyes upon her. My gaze must be piercing right through her now, but still she doesn’t turn. I’m going to have to call her. I need to yell out her name because if my instincts are somehow wrong and I get all the way over there just to learn that by some miracle that isn’t her and I have started hallucinating her, then I will be disappointed.
No, disappointed isn’t the word. I will be absolutely crushed and destroyed. I barely recovered the last time around. I won’t recover this time, there isn’t a chance. I need to know before I lose my damn mind.
“Z… Zoe.” Shit, that wasn’t cool. I stammered like a fucking idiot. “Zoe Portwood?”
She turns slowly and her eyes meet mine. Instantly she smiles, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the hesitation in her face. She doesn’t know how to approach me or what to think of me. She doesn’t know who I have become over the last five years, which is fair enough because I no longer know who she is either. She is someone that I knew once upon a time, someone that I shared a very brief connection with, someone who could have gone anywhere in the world and become anyone. I need to be so cautious, I have to protect myself.
“Wesley,” she half whispers. “Wesley Smith, I didn’t mean… sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
Her discomfort causes me to take a step backwards. I don’t want to make her uneasy. That isn’t how I need this to go down. Whatever she has come here to discuss with me needs to come out in whatever way she needs it to. Even if it’s bad news and something that I really don’t want to hear.
My eyes automatically dart towards her left hand. I guess that I am looking for a wedding ring, to see if she finally met the man who can make her happy forever more. I don’t know how I will feel about that. I will be happy for her, I suppose. Whatever happened between me and her, I wouldn’t wish misery on her life. But it will cut me deep as well because I think that what we shared could have become that… if she’d let it.
Oh my God. There might be no ring, but there is something else. A small hand looped in hers that I didn’t notice before. A small hand that is attached to a very small girl. One who, judging by my nieces and nephews, must be about three of four years old. One with the same shock of blonde hair that Zoe has…
But those eyes. The girl looks at me and her eyes are all too familiar. Mostly because I see them every damn day in the mirror… but that means… or it could mean… oh God, I don’t know what it means. I clutch on to my belly hard and hold it as I let this wash over me. If this is a young girl born over four years ago, around half a year after Zoe left here then that means… oh my God, it wasn’t a lie. The baby wasn’t anyway. Only when she told me that Hannah was telling the truth.
Did she really tell me that though? Or was she just yelling at me and I took it because it was easier to accept the truth? The truth that is now staring me in the eyes, demanding that I pay her attention at last.
Chapter 22 - Zoe
Oh my God. As Wesley looks at me and his eyes flash with recognition, I realize that my whole plan has fallen apart. I intended to let him know about Maddie gently. I was going to try and see him alone somehow and let him in before introducing him to his child. I didn’t want it to be a massive shock like this. I knew that coming anywhere near the old office was a bad idea, but I wanted to scope the place out. To see if there was anyone left who had been there before. Not that I left any friends behind, but I could see if Wesley was still around, maybe try and find out his situation. But now he is the one who has come out and found me. And he looks… confused.
“Okay,” I whisper to myself. “There is nothing I can do about this now. I just need to face it.”
“Mommy, what are you saying?” Maddie asks me. “You are gripping me too hard.”
“Oh, sorry.” I loosen my hand. “I just need to… to talk to someone, that’s all.”
Shit, I want to be all calm and collected. I would love to be able to hold my head high and handle this properly, even if it isn’t what I planned and I have no idea what I’m going to say to this man… but how can I hold myself high when my heart is pounding so loudly and I am falling apart? He must be able to see it, it’s obvious.
“Can we go, Mommy?” Maddie moans clearly not interested in what’s going on here. She obviously doesn’t know that this is her father which is for the best. I don’t want any pressure on her at all. Even if that is the reason we have come. “I’m bored. You said that we could go to the park soon.”
“Mhmm, and we will. We will,” I reassure her. “I just need to have a conversation first.”
The cogs are ticking in Wesley’s brain, I can practically see them spinning. He’s putting two and two together and coming up with a wild range of numbers. But four will settle in his brain eventually, he will figure it out. He will work out that I was carrying his child the entire time and he abandoned me. He didn’t reach out to me, and I suppose I didn’t him either, which has put us in this mess right now.
It really doesn’t help me that the last five years have been good to Wesley. Really good. In fact, he looks amazing. Somehow, he manages to be even better looking than before which isn’t fair. He must be about twenty five years old now and he’s already become a lot more distinguished. But I suppose that’s what happens when your body hasn’t been ravag
ed by pregnancy and child birth, plus the endless sleepless nights that followed. He has just been living his life, probably going far with his job, and becoming more handsome with it.
“What is going on?” Wesley suddenly demands as if he has just found his voice. “What is this?”
“I…” Oh God, he’s mad. Really mad and I don’t know what to say to him. The closer he gets to me as he struts across the road, the more I can see the intense rage in his eyes. He’s fuming at me. “I don’t…”
“Is everything that you said to me a lie?” Thankfully he seems to sense that yelling around Maddie isn’t the best idea. But I can hear the anger in his voice. He can’t disguise that from me. “Because my head is really spinning now. I don’t know what to think. One minute… well, you are telling me one thing. Then another. Then you just vanish, and now…” He can’t even look at Maddie, I can see the pain in his eyes. He doesn’t want to see her, to admit what he has missed out on because both of us put our petty argument first. “And now this?”
“Look, I didn’t mean for this to happen,” I try and tell him calmly. “I didn’t mean for any of this…”
“Oh, I see. You didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Well, that makes it okay then.”
“It doesn’t. I know that it doesn’t, but look…” Where are the right words to make all of this okay? They must be there somewhere. But I can’t find them. “Just talk to me. Properly. We need to talk about this…”
“We needed to talk about this before we left. Don’t you remember? I tried to get you to speak to me, but you refused. What you really should have done was just listened to me. Then everything could be different.”
He rakes his fingers through his hair, something that I know he only does when he’s stressed out, and he steps away from me. The anger burns off of him in waves. It rolls against me, crashing in to me, almost knocking me to the ground. It kind of hurts but I don’t want Maddie to see. She can’t know that I am in pain.
“I know. But I can’t change what happened. I can make it right now though and that’s why I’m here.”
“What if it’s too late to make things right?” He throws his hands in the air. “You said to me once that you won’t do things on my time line, but what if I don’t want to work on yours either? What if this is inconvenient for me? I might have other stuff going on my life that this doesn’t… gel with.”
“Gel?” I sneer. “Are you joking? I get that this is a shock, but that’s a di… bad thing to say.”
He cocks an eyebrow at me as I try to cover up the curse word. “Maybe so, but perhaps I am not in the mood to be dealing with this right now. Perhaps you going was the best thing to ever happen to me.”
Now it’s my turn to fall back away from him. He might be saying this to hurt me because I’ve hurt him, or he might really mean it. I don’t know but it feels killer all the same. The fact that he can even utter those words are too much. He might look like he has grown up in the last five years, but I guess he hasn’t.
Well, one of us needs to be the adult here, so I guess that’s going to be me. Stepping up. Again.
“Look, Wesley, I know that this is too much, but please think about talking to me. Not here, not now, but somewhere else. At another time. A calmer time. Just me and you. Please.”
“I don’t think I can.” He shakes his head at me. “I really don’t think that I can. I’m sorry, Zoe, I don’t know what to say to you, but this… this is all too heavy for me. I mean, I am at work, trying to manage those people…”
“So, you took the promotion then?” I jump in, needing to make my little dig. “You’re the manager?”
“So what if I am?” He holds his head high, but I can see the strain in his eyes. “I know that you had been offered the job first, but Andy is glad that I have it now. The numbers have been amazing.”
“You don’t need to prove yourself to me. I wanted you to have the promotion,” I remind him. “So, don’t act like I was the one who pushed you away from the job because I wanted it to be you the whole time.”
I still think about it. How different things would have been if only he had been given the job. Maybe then his male pride wouldn’t have gotten in the way and he would have ignored the rumors. Me and him wouldn’t have fallen out and we could have been the family that we always planned to be.
Of course, it might not have worked. We may have fallen apart anyway, but at least we would have been given a chance. If it hadn’t worked out, then it would have been because of us not someone else. That I could handle.
Anyway, I can’t get lost in that dream now because it never happened, and nothing will change that.
“I have the same number,” I tell him hurriedly. “I have always had the same number, so if you still have it then you can call me. Call me and we can set up a meeting and talk about this properly. Like I said way back when, I don’t expect anything from you, I just think that we should talk.”
“You kept the same number the entire time?” His face softens then hardens. “Me too.”
So, basically, we both could have contacted one another and we didn’t. We chose to ignore each other until this very moment. And now… well now, all we can do is try to put a band aid over that big crack we created.
“I have to go.” He shakes his head hard. “I have to get lunch and then go back to work. They need me there. I don’t have time for all of this. I don’t know… I don’t know if I will call you. I’m not too sure.”
He stalks off without looking behind him and leaves me and Maddie just standing on the side walk with nothing. No answers, no confirmation, nothing. I automatically glance my eyes up towards the office building and I’m pretty sure I have the sense of eyes upon me. Me and Maddie. If that’s the case, then everyone will know that I am back with a small child and that I’ve been arguing with Wesley. The rumors will be crazy again.
I grab Maddie quickly and start walking away. I don’t care what any of those people say about me, not anymore. But I don’t want them to say a damn thing about Maddie. She is innocent. She doesn’t deserve anything.
“Where are we going, Mommy?” Maddie asks me as we walk rapidly. “Why are we running?”
“We’re going to the park. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Yes.” She’s quiet then, glad to be getting her own way, but only for a moment. “Who was that man?”
Oh God, how do I explain this to her? How do I tell her that he’s the elusive father that she has probably built up in her mind to be something amazing? She’s too young to understand that some people are just assholes. I can’t break her little spirit, not yet. I need to give him a try to come around. Not for his sake, but for hers. If he is going to actually try to get his head around this and he’s going to come back to me, then I need to let him. Because that is what we came here for and I need to give it a try. It was hard enough to make this trip. I don’t want to leave worried that I didn’t give it my best shot.
“That’s just someone that Mommy used to work with, sweetie.”
“Why was he all mad? I don’t like him at all.”
Those words crush me. I don’t know how to stomach them. She doesn’t like her own father. What a damn shame. Wesley shouldn’t want that, especially since he had to grow up without any parents, but it doesn’t seem to have changed him at all. Clearly, he hasn’t even thought of it like that.
“Well, not everyone is nice, baby,” I tell her, hating that this lesson is coming so soon, and from her own father, but it’s the best that I can do right now. “I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is.”
She says nothing. She doesn’t know what to say and nor do I. For now, silence will have to do.
Chapter 23 - Wesley
I pace up and down my office, occasionally pausing to put my hand on my sandwich as if I’m going to eat it. But I’m really not hungry. If anything, I actually feel sick. Today has just been… well, there aren’t any words for how overwhelming it has been. To see Zoe is one thing, five
years after I last laid eyes on her, and to have all of those emotions stirring around inside of me. But for her to have a child with her too… and a child that I’m pretty sure is mine. It isn’t hard to read between the lines of our conversation and to come up with that conclusion.
Fuck. I have a child. A girl who is about four years old. That means that four years ago, a baby was born belonging to me. A little bundle of joy that I never got to lay my eyes on. Okay, so maybe at twenty years old, I wouldn’t have been mature enough to really handle it, however much I would like to assume I would have been… but I would have tried. I would have done whatever I could for my baby girl.
But I missed her birth. I didn’t even know that she was alive. I missed her first word, her first step, her first tooth… all of those things. Now, she is like a mini human, a mini version of her mom.
“Hey, I have something to ask you,” Court says as he leans against the door frame of my office. “If you have time? I know that you are a very busy man these days because you are the boss and all…”
Good, a work dilemma. That’s what I need. Something tangible that I know is real to focus on. I’m good at work, I find it easy because I can use my logic to make it work. It’s nothing like Zoe.
“Yes, sure.” I shake my head and get my brain back in the game. “What’s going on, Court?”
“Well, I was just wondering… we all were really, if that was Zoe who you were talking to outside?”
Urgh, well this is my fault for thinking that he’s mature enough to actually care about work. He hasn’t ever before, so why the hell would I believe that he has now? Not even for a second. Come on.