by Brenda Ford
“I know you are, sweetie, but we need to get going. And you can see him again.”
“But he’s my dad!” she blurts out, her self-awareness shining through. “And I haven’t seen him for years.”
Oh shit. I stare at Wesley in wide eyed shock to see him looking at me in exactly the same way.
“Erm, well, that doesn’t mean it will be the same from now,” I try. “Now that we have met one another, we can see each other more. We aren’t going home to New York yet, so it isn’t like we won’t see him again.”
“I don’t want to go to dinner! Not without Dad,” she cries. “Because we will go back to New York and then I won’t see him again. It isn’t fair, Mommy. I want us all to have dinner together. Can we, please? Please?”
Oh God, this is even worse than I thought it was going to be. I look at Wesley desperately, trying to work out what to do. But of course he doesn’t know what to do. I’m the one who has been around the longest.
“You can come to dinner with us if you want?” I ask him nervously. “It’s up to you. There’s no pressure…”
“If you wanted to, you guys could come to my apartment and I could cook for you?”
Maddie immediately jumps around with excitement and agrees, so I have to as well. I’m pretty sure that he didn’t have an apartment the last time that I saw him, so that’s just something else that’s changed in five years, but I’m willing to give it a go, to see what happens. See what his home is like… get to know the person who he has become over the last few years. Learn what I can about him.
“Okay,” I sigh shakily. “Well it looks like we’re coming to dinner at yours, Wesley. Thank you very much.”
I don’t know if he’s nervous or excited, a bit like I feel, but it seems like we’re both about to dive in to this unknown territory together to see where it leads us.
Chapter 27 - Wesley
I rush around the kitchen, trying to make sure that I don’t burn any of the food. I need this meal to impress. And not just Zoe but Maddie too. I really don’t want her to think that I’m an idiot. Especially when she’s so smart and switched on. Luckily, she’s a sweet and easy going girl, so it’s all going well. At least, I think it is.
“Are you okay?” Zoe peeks her head in to the kitchen and smiles at me. “Do you need a hand?”
“I think that I have it all under control. Thank you.” I grin. “How is Maddie? Is everything okay?”
“Thank goodness you bought her a million toys because she’s playing quite happily in there.”
“Good.” I breathe out a sigh of relief. “I really want her to be okay. I just want today to be perfect.”
“Believe me, with a child, it’s impossible to have the perfect day. But today was the closest that we’ve had.”
I beam happily. A nice heat races through my body, burning in my chest. That’s amazing news. Hearing from Zoe that I’m doing well is the greatest thing that could happen to me because no one knows Maddie like her.
“So, do you think that this is something that we could do again?” I ask her while trying to keep my tone breezy. I don’t want to pile the pressure on when everything is so fresh. “Like, go out for the day.”
“Oh sure, if that’s what you want!” She sounds surprised. “That would be good. I know that Maddie has enjoyed the park today, so anything like that will be good. But no more gifts!” she laughs.
“There is a fair in town on Tuesday. I could take the day off work so that we could all go.”
“I love that idea, and I just know that Maddie will as well. Will Andy let you have it off work?”
“Oh, Andy will do what I want. He knows that he can’t run the place without me. When I need time off, he knows that he can’t say no to me. So, yes, Tuesday will be easy for me. Nothing to worry about.”
She can’t help but laugh. “You know, he told me that he was going to sort out the toxicity in that place while I ‘took some time off’ after my grandma died. I knew that he wasn’t going to be able to do it.”
“No, that has mostly been down to me. Although I still struggle with the root of the problem. You know who I mean by that.” I raise an eyebrow. “But I’m hoping that will change soon enough.”
Zoe doesn’t say anything to that, probably because she doesn’t want to discuss Court and Hannah anymore, which is fair enough because they are far out of her life now. Not her issue anymore, that bullshit pettiness is way out of her life, just because they are still mine. We shouldn’t talk about them anyway if we’re having a fresh start.
“Right, I think I’m ready now. I will plate everything up.”
“And I will get Maddie at the table. Thanks again, Wesley. This is really nice of you.”
While she sorts that out and I get the food ready for all of us, there is a family atmosphere to the place. My apartment has noise and activity, fun and laughter, other people in it, not just me. This place is huge, too big for only me anyway, so this is nice. It makes me feel like this is what I brought this place for without even realizing it. It’s a family home which should be filled with lots of people…
But it will never be that, I remind myself. Because you and Zoe are done. I can’t be a family home.
God, that hurts actually. More than I thought that it would. Knowing that me and Zoe are truly done forever is crazy. I think that there might have been a little part of me that was holding out for her. That’s why I haven’t moved on and found someone else, because I would never have anything like I did with her.
But I can’t hold out for that again, can I? I can’t hold out for something that will get in the way of me and Maddie. I have to put her first. I have to think about what my daughter needs and she doesn’t need a romantic entanglement between me and her mother. Especially if they might leave. The last time we were together, and she left, it was on really bad terms. I can’t have that again. There is so much more at risk.
So, while it can never be a family home, it can be a home where Maddie can enjoy herself. Where she can come and visit me and have a nice time. Maybe even come to stay over when she is much more relaxed around me. I guess that might have to be the case if she doesn’t live here. That’s how we’ll have to see each other.
That hits me like a stab in the face. Like a punch to the gut. It isn’t always going to be this easy. For me and Maddie to see one another, we’re going to have to come up with a real plan.
I plate up and bring the food over to the table, glad to see everyone around me. This is nice, I like it more than I should. Especially when Zoe grins at me across the table… not that I’m too worried about of course. Even if her smile is dazzling and it stops my heart. I avert my eyes quickly and take a big swig of my drink before focusing back on Maddie. Luckily, as soon as I ask her a question, she runs off talking at the speed of light, filling in every single moment of silence. That helps me to focus on her and not to get distracted by Zoe.
Maddie lies on the couch, her eyes fixed firmly on the TV as she watches the movie playing. I’m sure that her and Zoe are going to have to leave soon, to head back to the hotel so she can sleep properly. But before they go, I have some things that I need to ask her. It might not be the right time, it may well be much too soon, but at the same time I have no idea what tomorrow will bring – this situation has proven that – so I need to take the bull by the horns and do what’s scary. That’s the only way that this is going to work.
“So, Zoe.” My voice sounds hollow and nervous before I even begin. “What are your pans? Like, I know me and you have plans with Maddie on Tuesday, but long term… sorry, I know this is a little awkward.”
“Not at all.” She shakes her head quickly. “I know that you must want to know all these things. I…” She pauses thoughtfully. “I don’t know, to be honest. I haven’t made any plans to stay here for a certain amount of time, nor have I agreed when I will be going back. Work knows that I need to sort this out.”
“Wow. You must have a really understanding boss.”
<
br /> “You aren’t the only person who can get their own way,” she laughs. “I’m important too.”
“Yes, I can imagine that. Since you were my biggest rival once upon a time.”
God, it feels funny to think that now. That we hated one another. How silly and childish. Mostly on my part, I’m not afraid to admit where I was in the wrong. And I was in the wrong a lot back then.
“So, yes. I don’t know. I have pretty much come here to play it by ear.”
“You don’t have…” Oh God, how do I ask this? This is too much. “Anything else to go back for?”
“What do you mean?” She narrows her eyes curiously at me. “I feel like you’re getting at something.”
She wants me to outright say it. She’s going to push me, either because she really doesn’t get what I mean or because she’s trying to punish me. All I can do is force myself to speak out, just as much.
“You don’t have anyone special waiting for you back in New York?”
The way that she smiles freaks me out. It’s a secretive smile which I immediately assume is because she does have someone and it’s a person that she loves and who treats her right. Just like I should have done. Just as I’m about to panic, she speaks out and thankfully puts me out of my misery.
“I don’t have anyone waiting for me. Other than my best friend, Jessica.”
There is still a chance! My brain immediately jumps to the wrong conclusion. She could still be mine.
I shut that down instantly, knowing that my head can’t go down that route. I can’t, just because she doesn’t have anyone that doesn’t mean I can have her. It just means that she might stay here.
“And what about your job? Do you love it? Are you keen to go back?”
“I do like my job,” she replies cautiously. “But it isn’t the be all and end all of my life. Work never has been for me.” She gives me a knowing look which I take on board without complaint. “But even more so since Maddie has been here. I just want her to be happy and healthy. Looked after and content.”
I don’t know exactly what she means by this, but I do think that there might be a chance that she might stay. Obviously, it would be ideal for me if she did. I haven’t ever wanted to move away from here, especially to a big city, because my brothers are important to me and I don’t want to be away from that family unit, but it isn’t about me, is it? If it’s what makes Maddie happy then I will have to do what she needs too.
Zoe is such an incredible parent the way that she is so willing to sacrifice what she needs for Maddie. That’s who I want to be, I want to emulate her and be just as good. My brothers are like that as well. Their families all put the children first and it’s the best way to be. We have all learnt from our unusual upbringing.
I can do that. I can be that. I can make it work if they go back to New York. It won’t be simple, but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be, does it? It just has to be right for Maddie. She is most important.
“So, what about you?” she shocks me by turning it around. “I know that obviously you love your job, I worked with you for long enough to know that much, but what about someone special?”
She averts her eyes, unable to look at me as I answer. I’m actually glad that I can tell her I don’t because I wouldn’t want to crush her. “There hasn’t been anyone special in my life for the last five years.”
That might be a bit risky to admit, but I need to let her know the truth. I need her to see that what we shared was important. It doesn’t matter if it can or can’t happen again, I would just like her to know that.
“Me too,” she replies quietly. “Five years… it’s a long time, isn’t it?”
“Well, it feels much less now that you’re back with me, but I know what you mean.”
We share a smile. I don’t know what it means, but it feels nice. We are sharing something, bonding and connecting in a new way. Now we just need to make this new way work for us.
Chapter 28 - Zoe
With the lights of the fair surrounding us, it’s easy to get swept up in the magic of this place, to forget that it’s toxic and that it turned me to a mess the last time that I was here. That was a long time ago anyway and I was a different person. If I had to face the same situation now, I’m sure that I would handle it differently.
I would tell Hannah to fuck off, I would punch Court for saying shit about me, and I would shake Wesley. I wouldn’t walk away from him, instead I would make him see that I could be trusted. Sure, I shouldn’t have had to do that, but proof was possible. I just decided not to go down that route for some reason.
“Can Dad take me on that ride again, Mommy?” Maddie screams. “It was so much fun.”
Her skin is flushed, her smile is wide, she looks more excited than I have ever seen her before. But to be honest, she has looked that way ever since she got used to here. I don’t know what to do about it, what to think about it, but in the short time that we have been away from New York she seems to have blossomed. I don’t know if it’s because it’s new and there is a novelty or if it’s something more. I haven’t ever noticed her being particularly unhappy in New York, but she wasn’t like she is here. There is something different about her. More vibrant. I hate to admit it, but it seems like she would thrive a lot more if she was here. She would blossom and grow.
It’s just a different life, isn’t it? Especially for children. It’s safer and better. I have always intended to go back to New York, but as I watch my daughter bond with a man who is clearly already very important to her, I wonder if that is the right move to make. I know that Maddie would have a good time, but it’s scary to imagine uprooting her and myself again. Coming all the way back here. I have a comfortable existence in New York. That’s what I know, the status quo there is easy for me to slide back in to. Coming back here for good would be something new and terrifying. For me anyway. But this isn’t about me. My life isn’t about me anymore.
See, if we did come here, Maddie would have more family than just me. Not just Wesley either. I never met any of them, but I’m pretty sure that Wesley’s brothers all still live here with their own families. So, on top of everyone else, there would be more children. Cousins for Maddie to enjoy. I never had any of that, I was always by myself which didn’t help me when it came to feeling on the edge of things. Never quite fitting in. That feeling is dreadful, I wouldn’t wish that on Maddie, not in a million years.
As Maddie comes bounding back over to me with her arms out stretched, I lean down and grab her. The sight of her makes me laugh. Her hair is all over the place and her cheeks are red from laughter.
“Mommy, Dad just asked me if I want to meet more family,” she declares, which stops the laughter. It’s weird, like Wesley can see right into my mind and he knows exactly how to convince me to stay. He hasn’t out right asked me, and I don’t think he would. But I know that’s what he wants. “But I have to ask you first.”
“Sorry,” Wesley jumps in. “I wanted to get in and ask you first. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I just mentioned that Brad is having a barbeque for everyone and it all got carried away from there.”
“So… everyone would be there?” I ask anxiously, instantly shaking all over. “All your family?”
“All my brothers, their partners, and their children too.” He nods. “I know that might be a bit much, especially all at once, but the offer is there if you would be willing to give it a try.”
I pause for a moment and let that sink in. Of course, Maddie is excitedly nodding at me, encouraging me to do what terrifies me the most. She so wants this, and normally I wouldn’t hesitate to give her exactly what she needs. But this… this is overwhelming. This is a family of people who I don’t even know, who don’t know me.
“Do they know?” I whisper to Wesley while nodding to Maddie. “Have you asked them?”
“I wanted to ask you first. To make sure that it’s okay to tell them.”
“It isn’t that you’re embarrassed, is
it? Because I don’t want to cause any issues…”
“No way, not a chance.” He shakes his head firmly. “Not a chance. I just wanted to see how this would work out between us first. I was trying to deal with it in a calm way before bringing other people in. My brothers are great, but they can be a little pushy. I knew that they would put the pressure on.”
“Will they do that at the party? Because I don’t know if I can hack pressure?”
“No way,” he reassures me. “Not a chance. They will be cool, I promise you.”
“That sounds like you’re going to threaten them,” I can’t help but laugh. “Is that the plan?”
“Hey, whatever it takes for you guys to have a nice time, because I would love for you to be there.”
He gives me the eyes and so does Maddie. Both of them want this to happen, which puts enough pressure on me for a life time. I can’t let the pair of them down now over this.
“Well, this is what we came here for, isn’t it?” I give a bright fake smile. “So, yes, I guess so.”
Maddie screams and jumps in to Wesley’s arms, excitement rolling off her. It’s easy for her, she gets to be the cute kid at the party. I don’t know what I’m going to be there. The mum of Wesley’s child who has randomly come back in to the picture. The one who ran away when she was pregnant. God, I can’t be seen in a good light, can I? That isn’t going to work. They are going to hate me. Whatever happened back then, they are going to see me as the enemy because it’s Wesley’s family. Unfortunately for me, I have no one on my side.
Well, aside from Maddie. And maybe Wesley too. But somehow, I’m going to have to get through it.
I sit on the edge of the hotel bed, watching Maddie sleep. She looks so peaceful, so happy, like she loves it here. She’s been more tired since we’ve been here, more active during the day so she sleeps better. Not that I could use that as a deciding factor… but I have to admit that my head is all over the place now. I feel torn. I don’t know what I want to do now, I’m a spinning mess. Even as I think of New York now, it’s like a dream, like something that happened to someone else and I watched it through an out of body experience, not something real.