by Brenda Ford
We’ve been close today, practically sticking to one another’s sides, and in this casual environment with Maddie distracted I’ve been to focused on him. Everything that I have wanted to suppress comes flying out. It’s been rising up ever since we first got here, and I’m scared that I can’t keep it inside any longer.
“Mommy!” Thankfully, Maddie grabs my attention before I can get too lost in that thought. “Mommy, I have been invited to a sleep over here. Everyone is staying. Can I stay for a sleep over too?”
Sleep over? Oh my God. No way, that’s a bit too much. She can’t do that. We have only just met these people. I already know that I’m going to crush her though even as I bend down to speak to her.
“I don’t know if a sleep over is the best idea, sweetie, because we have only been here for a while…”
“But these are my cousins, Mommy. Everyone is staying. I want to be with family.”
This tugs at my heart strings. I feel horrible for having to say no, but this is a bit too much, isn’t it? This is too fast. The Smith family are great and welcoming, but I don’t know how to take this.
“Mommy, please don’t say no. I want to be here. It isn’t fair that everyone else gets to stay.”
I take Maddie’s hand and stare in to her eyes. “I would much prefer if you came back to the hotel with me.”
“No!” she screams loudly. I can practically feel the eyes of everyone else on me which brings an embarrassed heat racing through my body. The last thing I need is to be judged for my parenting. “Mommy, no. Please, let me stay here. I don’t want to leave the party and to be on my own. I don’t like it.”
She’s breaking my heart. Every single word is shattering me. I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. If she starts crying, then I might burst in to tears myself.
“What’s going on?” Thank goodness. Wesley is back. I haven’t ever needed another parent to help me as much as I do right now. “What’s the matter, Maddie? Why are you getting all worked up?”
“Mommy won’t let me stay at a sleep over here and I really want to. It isn’t fair.”
Instead of telling her that I’m right, Wesley gives me a look. He wants to know why I have said no, which is stupid. He must understand that I’m nervous because me and Maddie don’t know these people enough.
“Maddie hasn’t ever been to a sleep over before,” I hiss. “I don’t know if this is too fast.”
Brad rests his hand on my shoulders, making me jump. “Listen, you don’t have to leave Maddie here, I completely understand. But we can look after her. We have spares of absolutely everything, so she doesn’t even need any things. And you and Wesley are both nearby if she needs you to come. I will call you right away. We don’t get a lot of sleep in this house anyway with all of the children, so I’ll be up to watch her.”
I know that he wants to do a good thing for me, and I really do appreciate it, but I can’t get rid of the tight knot of anxiety in my chest. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can walk away from her.
“Please, Mommy.” Maddie flutters her eye lashes at me. She can see that the pressure is being put on me, and she intends to use that to her advantage. I know exactly what she’s doing, but it’s working.
“You’ll call me?” I ask Brad. “If anything happens at all. I will have my cell phone with me the whole time.”
“Believe me, I know how hard it is when it comes to all of the sleep overs. It was hard for me as well. But these kids are great. They spend a lot of time together, sleeping over one another’s homes, so I have gotten used to it now. But I know that you aren’t, so I will be vigilant the whole time. I can send you regular updates.”
I nod reluctantly. This is what I came for, I do know that, but still it’s hard to pull away and let go. “Okay fine. Thank you very much, Brad. That’s really kind of you. I appreciate it.”
“Does that mean I can stay?” Maddie demands, the excitement palpable.
“Yes, I suppose so. But please, when I go, be good. Do as you’re told.”
She doesn’t even answer me. She races off with her cousins to play once more. She’s happy, and I’m glad that she can be, but I just know that I will spend all night in the hotel room sitting up and worrying. It should be a night of me getting a good night of sleep because I’m alone, but that won’t happen.
“She will be fine,” Wesley reassures me with his arm around my shoulder. “Don’t you worry.”
“Oh, I will be worried. You can be assured of that. But I’m sure that she’s in good hands.”
All the people here are great and I can tell that they are all good parents. Brad especially seems to be a great father. He’s very doting and it’s obvious how much he loves his children. Maddie will be fine with him. Rationality doesn’t come in to play though. Not when my emotions are all over the place.
“She loves it here anyway,” I comment idly. “So, Maddie will enjoy herself.”
God, she loves it. She loves it so much. I know what her answer would be if I gave her half the chance to tell me. I bet that she doesn’t even remember her life in New York anymore. And why would she? It was much less exciting than this. There is so much pulling me towards wanting to stay. I can’t help it; the urge keeps getting stronger and stronger. I honestly don’t know if I would be able to get on that plane now.
With Wesley touching me, sending a wide range of tingles all the way through my body, he is just giving me another reason to stay. An even stronger reason than anything else. Because if I do go back to New York them I know that nothing can happen here. Ever. But if I stay… well, the possibilities are endless. There is no guarantee that me and him could work, but there’s a chance… at least. Wouldn’t it be better to just know? Rather than to always be wondering what could have happened if we had just given a go.
Oh God, I am losing my mind here over this man. I am losing myself to the feelings I shouldn’t be. But as I tilt my head around to look at him it seems like he might be wrestling with it as well. That only makes it even harder for me to push it to one side. If we both want to see where this could go, then maybe we should. It’s scary, but it’s also very exciting as well. The anticipation is absolutely flooding me, I can hardly contain myself.
Well, at least if I’m torturing myself over me and Wesley, I’m not just thinking about Maddie. Not that I will be able to get her out of my mind while she’s at this sleep over, but why not add to the problems?
“Are you okay?” Wesley asks me quietly. “Do you need anything from me?”
“Just be there,” I reply with a smile. “That’s all that you can do for me right now. Be there.”
Chapter 31 - Wesley
I don’t know whether I should hold Zoe’s hand as I walk her to the hotel. Of course, rationally I know that I shouldn’t. It would be weird to do so, but the urge is powerful and overwhelming. I guess because this is the second time, we have been alone since she came back here and it’s strange. Without Maddie to take our focus, it’s easier to focus on the sizzling between us. To notice that there is definitely a deep connection.
“Are you okay?” I ask her for what feels like the hundredth time. “Sorry, I know this is just a bit…”
“It’s hard for me to be apart from Maddie, that’s all. But this is good for her. I keep thinking that she wants to have a big family, and so meeting all these cousins… well, it’s what she wants.”
My breath gets caught in my throat. I don’t know how to respond to this. I want to ask her if that’s what she wants as well, but I need to keep reminding myself that I can’t put the pressure on.
“God, it’s going to be so weird,” she suddenly blurts out. “Being at the hotel without Maddie.”
“Oh! You can come and stay with me if you want,” I announce without really thinking. “I don’t mean…” Oh God, I’m about to make this even more awkward. “I don’t mean anything by it. I just mean so you aren’t alone. Plus, my place is closer to Brad’s than the hotel,
so if we are needed – not that we are going to be – we can be there in a heartbeat. If you want, it’s just a suggestion…” I trail off, unsure of how she’s feeling.
“You wouldn’t mind giving up your couch for me? Are you sure? I don’t want to be in the way.”
“You wouldn’t be. It would be a pleasure to have you around because I’m nervous too.”
“You are?” She gives me a surprised look. “But she will be okay with Brad, won’t she?”
“Oh, that’s not why I’m nervous. I don’t know what it is, really. Maybe because she isn’t with you.” She smiles, pleased with herself which is nice. “I hope you know what an amazing mother you are.” I have thought that, but I don’t know if I’ve said it aloud yet. “Because you have done a fantastic job with Maddie. She is a great child and that’s because of you. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must have been to do it alone. But the fact that she is so confident and able to go to that sleep over, to blend in with the family, speaks volumes. You have nurtured her in to the most incredible person. So, thank you, Zoe, that means a lot.”
It’s her who reaches out to hold my hand as we change the direction towards my place, and I take it willingly. She doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t need to. I can feel all of her emotions coming through.
Once inside, I pour us both a drink. Non-alcoholic, just in case there is any need for us to drive at any point, but having something to do helps us both to relax. We sit on the couch and I get some music playing, being careful not to go for anything that could be construed as too romantic. I need to be careful.
We need to make some plans at some point, don’t we?” she tells me, shocking me. I have been careful trying to avoid this subject so as not to stress her out, but if she wants to address it then so be it. “For the future. As scary as it is, we need to work out how to make this go okay. Now that you and Maddie have such a good bond, I know that she’s going to want to see you more. And her cousins as well.”
“Yes, I’m sure that they will all want to hang out some more. They’re having a good time.”
She nods slowly. I can almost see the cogs turning in her brain as she tries to figure out what she wants to say next. I bite down on my bottom lip to force the words to stay inside.
“So, what would you like?” she asks, turning the tables around. “In an ideal world.”
“If I tell you, you might not like me,” I admit. “Because in an ideal world, I would want you not to go back to New York, but to stay here. I would love for Maddie to be in our family more. You too.”
Her face screws up, just like I knew it would. But she doesn’t look totally repulsed by the idea. “I know that Maddie would as well. I don’t even need to ask her. I just know. She loves it.”
That’s good. It’s hard not to get carried away when I hear her say that. “Well, I grew up here and it wasn’t too bad, and I know that you did as well. I know that there were toxic times at work, but that is just one place.”
“I know that my friend, Jessica will be disappointed, if I don’t go back, but I can’t stay for her. Or my job, really, not if it makes Maddie unhappy. But it’s scary to up root everything.” She gives me a look. “I guess there are some reasons to stay here. Potentially more than there are to go back.”
Fuck, my heart is racing. This is absolutely everything that I want and more. Everything that I haven’t dared to hope for. Not in a real way anyway. Zoe looks like she is really actually considering this.
“But could you come back?” I ask her in a hoarse tone of voice. “After everything?”
“Well, it’s been five years. Things aren’t the same as they used to be, are they?”
I can’t resist. This feels like a cue for me to say something important. “Some things are the same.”
She holds my eye contact for a while, but eventually drags her gaze away. The magic of the moment is shattered, which is probably for the best. I shouldn’t have said that at all. It’s bad enough to think these things, never mind say them. I should just keep it all locked away inside.
“I might just call Brad,” she says suddenly. “Just to check in on Maddie.”
“Oh, I will do that.” I need to do anything to make this moment better. “I’ll get a drink too.”
I leap up and flick the coffee machine on, needing something a little different to take this edge off, and as I do, I call Brad. Immediately, I’m overwhelmed by the sounds of the kids laughing and having a good time. I smile to myself, knowing that Maddie is right in the middle of that, enjoying herself.
Brad doesn’t talk to me for long because he’s overwhelmed by the activities going on inside his house, but he reassures me that all is good and me and Zoe have nothing to worry about. I don’t tell him that we’re together because much as I want to be more open with my family now, because keeping secrets isn’t my favorite thing to do, but I can’t let them know about this yet. All of my brothers will get carried away and assume that this is a sign we’re getting back together. I can’t have them making that assumption when it isn’t happening…
Although, Zoe is clearly looking for reasons to come back. She wants here to have more pros than New York. Right now, it already seems to have that, but I could give her one more reason. I could be a reason. Me and her, us being together could be a reason, couldn’t we? I want it and I think that she does too.
I glance over at her in wonder, to find her staring back at me too. There seems to be the same question in my eyes as there is hers. We both want to know where this thing could go.
My heart pounds hard against my rib cage, I feel my breaths getting stuck in my throat, I feel tingly and strange all over. The magnetic pull between us is intense, it’s powerful, I can feel it sucking me in.
“What… what did Brad say?” she rasps, her voice filled with nerves. “Is Maddie okay?”
“Oh, she’s fine. Having the best time. Although I don’t think she’s headed for bed yet. It sounded like chaos; I think the kids are having the absolute time of their lives.”
“No, I wouldn’t imagine she’s thinking of sleep.” We’re both so stilted, this conversation is forced and weird. “Not if she’s having fun. I bet she will sleep all day tomorrow when I pick her up instead. But as long as she has fun…”
I take the coffees back over to the couch and sit beside Zoe. But not so close that the sizzling between us gets the better of us. We really need to be smart about this. To act only if it’s the right thing to do.
“So, the plan.” If I focus on what we need to talk about, then we might be okay. “What do you think?”
“Erm, yeah, so I don’t know when I will be back in New York, or how often you want me to come…”
“I want you to be here all the time, Zoe, so I don’t know if it’s up to me.” I shrug. “If you want to go back and forth then I can help cover the costs. Or I can come out to see you if it helps things…”
Right now, it feels like we’re doing a dance. Like we’re playing a game. Zoe wasn’t playing games before, she never has before, which just proves to me how nervous she is. She’s too anxious to commit to anything which brings the anxiety out in me as well. If I don’t make the right move here, I could lose her.
In a moment of sheer terror, I slide across the couch to her. Zoe’s eyes widen in surprise, but she doesn’t scoot away from me. So, I snake my arm around her back, and I pull her to me. Her body crashes in to mine, which causes a little squeal to fly out of her mouth. My forehead rests against hers and I stare in to her eyes, just drinking in absolutely everything about her. Everything flip flops with excitement as her beauty crashes over me in waves, as does the desire in her eyes. She wants me. I can tell that it’s okay for this to happen.
Do we really over step this boundary? I ask myself. Do I complicate everything that much more?
But I can’t resist. I can’t ignore the deep magnetic pull between us. My lips are edging towards hers before I can really make this decision. My lips crash in to hers
and instantly, I’m taken back five years. Back to when it was just me and her in our own little bubble. Absolutely loving life. God, it really was the most incredible relationship I had. I can’t believe I turned my back on it. It feels just as great as it did back then as well. Maybe even better. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the last few years have sure as hell done that. I’m so fond of her now that this kiss alone is making my head spin like crazy.
The kiss deepens. She darts her tongue between my lips and grabs me to pull me closer to her, groaning with need. I don’t know where this going to lead but I can’t stop to think anymore. This feels too good for me to be rational. This is probably what I have wanted ever since I first laid my eyes on her and I realized that she was back.
Chapter 32 - Zoe
What am I doing? I think to myself as Wesley tugs at the spaghetti strap of my dress. His eager fingers want my clothing gone, and I can’t help wanting that too… even if it’s absolutely crazy to want that. What are we doing here? This is crazy, isn’t it? This is heading to trouble… or paradise.
As my dress slides to one side, I pant and try to suck some air in to my lungs. His fingers brush over my breasts, pausing over my nipples, which causes the buzzing in my core to intensify tenfold. As my head tils backwards, exposing my throat to him, which Wesley devours hungrily, I fall back until I’m lying on the couch. My head pushes back in to the couch cushions while a shiver tears up and down my spine.
“Oh, you are beautiful,” he growls as he hitches my dress up around my waist. “I have missed you so much.”
His intense words shock my like a lightning bolt, striking down to my panties just as his hands reach around behind me and he cups my ass in his hand, groaning with need. He sounds like he’s in absolutely agony, but in a really good way. It’s impossible for me not to lose my damn mind, to take him already.