by Andrew Cope
I’d rather freeze to death than let my mates see me in that thing, she thought, sipping her water.
‘And I’ve got something else to show you, GM451,’ announced Professor Cortex, reaching into his pocket. ‘Get a load of this little beauty.’ He placed what looked like a dog poo on the table. All eyes fell on Lara.
Don’t look at me, she glared. I didn’t do it. I’m toilet-trained, remember?
‘It’s a poo-cam,’ exclaimed the scientist, hopping from one foot to the other in his excitement. He picked it up. ‘Looks and feels just like dog poo. Even smells like it,’ he said, twitching his nose. ‘But crucially, GM451, it’s fake. And it contains a very small video camera. It allows us to beam high-quality digital images from anywhere in the world.’
‘Poo-cam,’ echoed Dad, loving the word.
‘See here,’ beckoned the professor, pointing to a large flat-screen monitor. ‘We have poo-cams positioned all over the world.’ He clicked the remote and a picture of 10 Downing Street was projected on to the screen. ‘These are live pictures,’ he explained, clicking through the channels. Dad recognized the White House in Washington, Big Ben in London and the European Parliament in Brussels. ‘We just place a poo-cam where we want and, hey presto, we can spy instantly. Quite perfect.’ The family watched footage that showed the garden of Buckingham Palace. Mum put her hand across her mouth as one of the princes pegged out his boxer shorts. ‘The Palace is easy,’ explained Professor Cortex. ‘They have so many corgis that our fake poo has gone completely unnoticed.’
‘Very clever,’ agreed Dad. ‘I mean, hardly anybody’s going to remove your camera, are they? Because – well – because it’s disgusting, basically.’
‘Oh, completely disgusting, sir,’ smiled the professor, nodding enthusiastically. ‘Disgustingly simple. I always think the best inventions are the simplest. And this is just brilliant.’
‘Can I borrow one?’ asked Ollie, thinking of all the tricks he could play.
‘Er, no, Master Oliver, you most certainly can’t,’ snapped Professor Cortex. He moved the poo-cam out of Ollie’s reach. ‘These are top secret spying devices, not for tricks in the playground. But,’ he announced, ‘I do have something to show you that does have relevance to the playground. Follow me and I’ll show you an invention that is going to revolutionize learning around the globe.’
The professor led the Cooks down a maze of brilliant white corridors, past dozens of scientists hurrying about their duties. He stopped at a door marked ‘Top Secret’.
‘Wow!’ whispered Ben to his sister. ‘This invention must be really important to be in the top secret room in a top secret bunker in a top secret Spy School.’
The professor turned to the family, suddenly looking rather stern. ‘What you are about to see is not to be repeated to anyone. Ever. Got it?’
The Cooks nodded. Sophie, Ollie and Ben were wide-eyed and speechless. The professor placed his identity card against a pad on the wall and the door swished open. The group assembled in what looked like an old-fashioned chemistry laboratory. There were bubbling potions of various colours, tubes linking glass vessels and steam rising from test tubes. Computers blinked and scientists hovered over experiments, some writing results and others adding ingredients. There was a whiteboard with complicated-looking formulae all over it.
Lara sniffed, her sensitive doggie nose taking in the unusual smells. Candy floss? she twitched. And pancakes? It smells more like Willy Wonka’s inventing room.
‘This, my friends, is the reason we’ve expanded to Spy School number two. My team and I,’ he said, swooshing his arm around the room, ‘have invented something rather spectacular. Something that is worth billions but, more importantly, something that will change the world.’
Crikey, thought Lara. What is this major breakthrough, Prof?
‘Now where are they?’ fussed Professor Cortex, rummaging through the pile of papers on the desk. ‘They can’t have gone far. I had them just a minute ago.’ He reached into his pocket and pulled out yet another small electronic device. ‘This should do the trick.’ He pressed one of the buttons and looked at the screen. ‘Ahhh,’ he sighed. ‘Silly me. They’ve been up there all the time.’ He reached up and slid his spectacles from the top of his head down to his nose. ‘I have a homing device fitted,’ he smiled, peering over the top of his glasses. ‘That way I can always find my specs. Smart or what? As I said, all the best inventions are basically very simple.’
Sophie jabbed her older brother in the ribs. ‘Told you he was barmy,’ she whispered.
‘Now this is my latest and most awesome invention,’ continued the professor proudly, holding up a test tube of purple liquid. He looked round at the collective wide eyes and beamed. ‘This, my friends, is an intelligence formula. You may not be aware, GM451, but when you were a puppy you had an earlier version of this sprinkled on your cornflakes. I’ve finally completed the experiments and the results are astonishing. Take a look at this,’ he said, holding up a drawing of a monkey. ‘This is a self-portrait by Annette, my cleverest chimp. What a talent.’ Next he held up an A4 notebook. ‘And this is her book of poetry,’ smiled the professor.
The children were flabbergasted. ‘And what’s that cat doing?’ asked Sophie, pointing to a cat holding a long stick. ‘Oh, that’s Connie,’ explained the professor. ‘An exceptional feline. Have you caught anything yet, Connie?’ he shouted across the room.
The cat lifted her fishing rod out of the indoor pond and shook her head. ‘We’re teaching Connie to catch her own supper,’ said Professor Cortex. ‘But it looks like the blighters aren’t biting. The problem is that we’ve fed the fish on the brain formula as well, so they are getting too clever to catch. You’ve heard that fish live in schools? Well, ours really do. And they seem to have learnt how to avoid being caught. Most frustrating for Connie.’
The children’s saucer eyes said it all. ‘Really, Professor?’ asked Ben. ‘You’ve created intelligent goldfish?’
The scientist stroked his chin. ‘It was a challenge I couldn’t resist. Goldfish get such a bad press. A three-second memory indeed! Not our fish,’ he chortled. ‘They have better recall than me. We’ve started selling these intelligent fish in the pet superstore upstairs,’ he said, jabbing his finger upwards. ‘They’re out there in fish tanks everywhere. Watching everything you do. Learning about the world.’
Ben could hardly contain his excitement. ‘Does it work on humans? Can I try it?’ he beamed.
‘Humans?’ repeated the professor, furrowing his brow. ‘I’ve never considered using my brain formula on humans.’ His brow creased until his eyebrows met in the middle. ‘What a jolly interesting idea,’ he reflected, twiddling his glasses. ‘But no. Definitely not,’ he barked.
‘Why not?’ asked Sophie. ‘I mean, if it works on monkeys, then why not on people?’
‘It’s been developed for animals,’ explained the professor. ‘And it’s perfectly safe for animals. It’s impossible to predict what would happen if people took my formula.’
‘I’d pass my exams without revising,’ suggested Ben.
‘And I’d win all the pub quizzes,’ added Dad.
‘And that’d be cheating,’ snapped Professor Cortex, fixing his spectacles back on to his face. ‘You should be ashamed of yourselves for even thinking it. But I bet you’re not the only ones entertaining the idea. Imagine the advantages it would bring to the people who took it. And,’ he added, his voice becoming serious, ‘imagine what they’d be willing to pay for it.’ The professor cast the family a knowing nod. ‘Hence the need for secrecy,’ he reminded them, tapping the side of his nose. ‘Bob’s your uncle.’
The family moved on while Ollie tried to work out what Uncle Bob had to do with it.
Professor Cortex completed his whirlwind tour of the Spy School, leaving the family shocked by some of the advances in technology. He was even in the middle of creating a robotic cleaner for the pet store, so no one would have to clean the animals’ cag
es. The Cooks whizzed back to the exotic pets section and made their way out to the car, laden with gifts from the professor. Ben opened his goodie bag and smiled. ‘Look, everyone, the professor’s given me some night-vision goggles.’
Dad was really pleased with his remote control spectacles finder, and Sophie with her hat with built-in torch. Ollie was a little disappointed to be coming home without a pet zebra, but the professor had made it up to him with a football that contained a listening device. ‘I’m going to kick it into next door’s garden and spy on them,’ he said excitedly.
Lara came away with a new collar, containing a screwdriver, torch and tin opener. She strapped herself into the people carrier and sat quietly. The visit had been exciting but she was disappointed that she might not be the world’s cleverest animal any longer. Monkeys writing poetry? she thought. And cats fishing for their own dinner? Lara sighed. She was a family pet now and life was great. She knew the kids loved her no matter what. But she couldn’t help feeling a little left out after seeing how the professor’s work was charging ahead without her.
6. Ben’s School Daze
Dame Payne waited impatiently while the children shuffled into the hall. It was their first assembly of the new school year. Ben stood awkwardly in his oversize blazer and shoes that were a size too big. He looked around at the scared faces and then at the unsmiling head teacher. It was her first day too. Ben wondered if she was nervous.
Dame Payne stood tall and gathered her black robes, flapping like a raven. She looked out at the sea of faces and wondered which child would become the superbrain.
‘Blimey, check out her outfit. Looks like she thinks this is Hogwarts,’ sniggered Toby Ward from Year Eight.
Dame Payne’s hearing was as sharp as her temper. She pointed a warning finger at Toby. ‘You, boy!’ she shouted. ‘The one laughing.’
Toby blushed. ‘Who, me, Miss?’ he mouthed, looking around innocently.
‘Yes, you lad,’ bellowed the new head. ‘Out. Now. Pack your bags, clear your desk. You’re finished.’
‘But …’ began Toby. ‘I’ve not done nothing.’
‘No. You haven’t done anything,’ corrected Dame Payne.
‘Exactly,’ agreed Toby Ward.
‘Don’t get clever with me, Sonny Jim,’ warned the stern-faced head teacher. ‘Did I ask you to answer back? No, I don’t think I did. Goodbye, Mr Trouble.’
Silence fell as Toby Ward made his way out of the hall, the first innocent victim of the new regime.
Dame Payne waited until you could hear a pin drop. ‘Welcome, everyone,’ she said, smiling in all but her eyes. ‘My name is Dame Payne and I am your new head teacher. I am here to develop some brilliant young brains.’ She sneered. ‘I know we will get along just fine so long as you abide by these few simple rules …’
‘I can’t believe how horrible she is,’ complained Ben to his parents that evening. ‘She’s obsessed with growing everyone’s brains. I’ve got masses of homework and it’s only my first day,’ he moaned. ‘And Saturday school is just stupid.’
Lara let out a soft whistle. Boy, she thought, that does sound tough.
Dad nodded sympathetically. ‘I know it may seem harsh,’ he agreed, ‘but I’m sure all the other schools are the same.’
‘And no playtime,’ added Ben. ‘That’s so unfair.’
‘It does sound a little odd,’ agreed Mum. ‘But I think it’s good that she wants to expand your brain. I’m sure she’s doing it for a reason.’
‘Oh, there’s a reason all right,’ retorted Ben. ‘The teachers are trying to kill us, that’s all. From exhaustion. She’s expelled three people today. One for talking in assembly, one for asking for seconds at dinner and the other for complaining about having so much homework. It’s awful, Dad. What am I going to do?’
I can help you with your homework, wagged Lara.
‘There’s not much you can do, mate,’ said Dad. ‘It’s a good school. You were top of the Juniors so hang in there and you’ll rise to the top again. I expect Dame Payne’s just trying to maintain standards. Remember it was her first day too. Perhaps she’ll ease off a bit when she’s settled in. She’s just trying to make an impression, that’s all.’
‘Well, she’s done that all right!’ muttered Ben, stamping out and slamming the door behind him. ‘A horrible one!’ they heard him shout as he trudged upstairs.
7. Listening In
Dad was right to say that Ben was one of the brightest in his class. He survived the first week under the new system but many didn’t. Twenty per cent of his class members dropped off as they buckled under the strain. There was no talking back and very little fun. Those who complained were given extra homework.
There was no breaktime so Ben and his friends met in their secret spot in the cleaners’ room to have a moan about things.
‘It’s so awful here,’ complained Josh. ‘I’m thinking of breaking the rules just so I can get thrown out. A transfer to another school sounds like a good option, even if it’s miles away.’
‘But what if it’s worse?’ suggested Ben.
‘Impossible,’ said Oscar. ‘They won’t have old “Payne in the neck”. The woman’s a nutter. She might get great results but there’s no fun. You can’t just rule by scaring everyone and working them into the ground. It’s not right.’
‘I’m struggling to keep up with the homework,’ admitted Ben. ‘I was up till midnight with science and only finished English at breakfast this morning.’
‘Still straight A’s, though, I bet,’ said Oscar, smiling.
‘Maybe, but I’ll tell you what,’ Ben added, forgetting what the professor had said about the need for secrecy, ‘I wish I had the professor’s brain formula. Then I’d be able to keep up, no problem.’
‘A brain formula?’ asked Josh, his eyes wide. ‘That’s just what I need. Come on, Ben, spill the beans. If I get kicked out of this school I’ll be in serious trouble with my parents.’
Ben hesitated. It was supposed to be a secret but he knew Josh really was struggling with all the work. ‘OK,’ he said, ‘but you all have to promise not to tell anyone about this.’
The boys agreed, so Ben went on to tell his mates about the secret laboratory under the pet supermarket. They skipped the entire geography lesson while he told them of the monkey poet and the cat that caught fish. Ben knew he should have kept the secret but was sure it would be safe with his best friends. Eventually the bell went and the three of them trudged off to Japanese.
Dame Payne sat at the bank of CCTV screens in her office. She considered that being a control freak was one of her better qualities. She liked to keep watch on everything and this was the best place. She’d got the whole school bugged. The head zoomed in on Miss Hutchins’s maths class. All were sitting quietly as the teacher droned on about equations. ‘Excellent,’ she purred. ‘Drill it into them, Miss Hutchins. Grow those brains.’
She spotted three lads in the cleaners’ room on the first floor and glanced at her watch. ‘Year Sevens,’ she said, surprised. The timetable on the wall confirmed her suspicions. ‘I smell trouble. They should be in geography,’ she murmured. Dame Payne used the remote to zoom in and turn up the volume. She was disappointed to see Ben Cook skipping lessons, especially as his was one of the brains in the early running for selection. But then she heard Ben explain his story to Oscar and Josh. Her eyes lit up and she rubbed her chin thoughtfully. ‘A brain formula. I don’t believe it. Sounds like there may be a team of scientists ahead of us. That’ll never do.’ It didn’t take long for a plan to start forming in her mind. Her eyes almost smiled as she broke away from the screens and tapped out a coded email to the other teachers. The head teacher’s nose twitched in excitement as an emergency meeting was set for that night.
The teachers met in the executive meeting room at a posh hotel. ‘Delighted you could all make it at such short notice,’ Dame Payne began. ‘I have some breaking news that I wanted to share urgently.’ She put on an extra-serious f
ace. ‘This could change everything.’ Then she pressed the button on her laptop and beamed a video clip on to the big screen. The members of the committee sat quietly, some nodding enthusiastically, as they watched the clip of Ben and his friends discussing the brain formula. ‘So, ladies and gentlemen, I thought you should be aware of this major breakthrough,’ she concluded. ‘It seems as though there may be a scientific team ahead of us in this very important race. I propose we maintain our original plan, but that we investigate this “professor” as a possible plan B.’
‘But is the boy reliable?’ asked Mr Stern. ‘It could just be a tall story.’
‘Ben is in my form and I’ve already checked him out because he was showing signs of promise,’ said Mr Wilde. ‘He may even be the chosen one. He seems decent enough. And he’s exceptionally bright.’ He pressed a button to reveal the next slide, a huge picture of Ben lighting up the wall. ‘Nice family,’ continued Mr Wilde as the Cooks were beamed on to the big screen. ‘Decent house. Live in a quiet neighbourhood. Apparently he’s got a really clever dog. Rescued a drowning kid, so I hear. Not sure if that’s relevant or not.’ Lara’s picture was next on to the screen, her bullet-holed ear standing tall, the other drooping ridiculously. ‘Strange-looking mutt, I must say. The important thing is that this boy has no track record as a liar.’
‘OK,’ said Mrs Grey. ‘I suggest we get a person on the inside of this laboratory to check it out. If the story’s true we can steal their formula. And, in the meantime, we accelerate our plan and identify the chosen one as soon as possible.’
‘Agreed,’ nodded Dame Payne. ‘It seems we are in a race to create this super formula. Can anyone name the second man on the moon?’ The head teacher raised herself to her full height as she surveyed the shaking heads. ‘Exactly!’ she bellowed. ‘I doubt anyone will be interested in the team that comes second.’