by Emily Camp
“Kacey.” Cody’s voice pulled me out of my own thoughts.
“Huh?”
He sighed, then looked down at his book as he spoke again, stumbling over some words.
“You think we could try again?” He looked up from his book, and took a breath as if the Spanish he’d just been speaking had worn him out.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to say no. But I didn’t want to start dating anyone again either. What did that mean anyway? I never hesitated to start dating right after a breakup. What did Jack Landry do to me? I was fine until he came along.
***
Of course, Maria was in the restroom when I was. Why did the universe insist I had to see her and/or Jack everywhere I looked? She waved at me after leaning toward the mirror, fixing her makeup. I didn’t respond.
“I’m not your enemy.” The paper towel dispenser whined as she pulled out the scratchy brown towels.
“I never said you were.” I stepped to the sink and washed my hands. “You just want to be me.”
She let out an annoying laugh.
“Enjoy my sloppy seconds.” I shook the water off my hands and reached for the towels when she stepped aside.
“I’m not after Jack.” This got my attention. Why would I care if she were? It wasn’t like Jack and I were together, unlike when I was with Jesse.
I wiped my hands dry. “I believe that. We aren’t still together.”
“Come on, you had absolutely no chemistry with Jesse. Or the seven other guys you dated before Jack.”
“At least there were seven guys that wanted to date me.”
“You are your own enemy, Kacey.” She flipped her curly dark locks like some kind of diva.
“Whatever.”
“I see things.” She said, clearly not getting the hint that I was done with this conversation.
“What like ghosts?”
“I observe people. You and Jack … you had … you have chemistry.” She jutted out a hip. “I honestly thought you found the one.”
“Guess you were wrong.” I wasn’t about to stand here and talk to Maria about my love life. I turned toward the exit.
“He cares about you,” she said.
“Yep.” Because I was another homework project.
“You can be so stupid sometimes.”
I glared at her.
“He’s a good guy. He would give you the world. You know how much I want a boyfriend like that? How much any girl would give to have a guy like that?” She shook her head, then trotted out of the room. Her clicking boots echoed off the hollow walls. Maria could stand here and say what she wanted. She didn’t know me, and she didn’t know Jack. Our relationship, or lack of, was none of her business.
Chapter Forty-one
“She’s kind of right, Kace.” Addi and I lay on our backs on my bed, staring at the white ceiling. An open bag of chocolates between us.
“Not you, too.” I buried my hand in the candy and pulled out a handful. Chocolate wasn’t filling the void this time even though I tried.
“How do you feel about the breakup?” She turned and propped her head on her hand, popping candy in her mouth.
“I mean I’m always sad after one.” I let the piece of silky chocolate dissolve on my tongue.
“Please don’t hate me for saying this, but I think Jack is right, too.” The candy bag rattled between us.
“Basically, everyone is right but me?” I grabbed more chocolate. I was starting to wonder if I should have forgiven her after all.
“Things were different with Jack.” She rolled over onto her stomach.
“He’s a guy I called my boyfriend and made out with a couple of times. How is that any different?” I shrugged, but the knot in my throat said otherwise. It was okay, I’d get over it like I always did.
“Because, you cared more this time.”
I sat up, turned on my Bluetooth speaker. “Nothing I can’t get over. How’s my would-have been stepbrother, by the way?” Since Evan had texted her the other night, they’d been texting and facetiming on the regular. I was glad she was really done with Tyler this time. He’d tried to get her back, of course, but she wasn’t having it. I was proud of her for that.
“He asked about you guys,” she said. I was thankful she let me change the subject. Though that one didn’t hurt much less. I’d just gotten used to the idea of them joining our family. “Wanted to know if you were doing okay.”
“Why wouldn’t we be?” I found our favorite girl-power song on my phone and pressed play.
Addi smiled as she popped up, the candy smashing under her when the first chords filled the room. We belted out the lyrics together, forgetting all about Jack and Maria and Evan. Just what I needed to keep my mind off all the drama.
In fact, I had the music cranked so loud that I barely heard the doorbell ring. I nudged Addi, who reached over and pressed pause on my phone. She was the one closest after we’d danced around my bed. It rang again.
I sighed, “Coming.” Even though there was no way they could hear me from here. Out of breath, I ran down the stairs. My heart sank when I peeked out the peephole to see Jack standing there, the warm light from the porch shone on him.
“It’s Jack,” I whispered, wide-eyed.
“Answer it.” Addi’s bracelets jingled as she motioned in a hurry for me to open the door.
I shook my head. Then pointed to my hair.
“See, I know you still like him if you care what you look like.”
“I have self-respect,” I said.
This only made Addi snort.
Jack knocked. “Kacey?”
I poised myself before opening the door. A whoosh of cool air blew inside. His eyes were blood shot. A car idled in my driveway. Not his, no, it was Cody’s.
“What do you want from me, Kacey?” Jack held out his hands and swayed. This was weird for Jack.
“Jack?”
“I care about you.” He slapped his hand over his heart. I got a whiff of beer when he spoke.
“Have you been drinking?”
“I love you,” he said. “Do you not want me to love you?”
“I …” I looked at the car that sat waiting for him. “What are you doing here?” My heart broke not only seeing him, but seeing him like this. This wasn’t the Jack I knew. This was Cody or Dylan or Tyler or Evan, but Jack wasn’t like them.
“I came to …” he held up a finger as to tell me he needed a minute. He hiccupped then said, “Excuse me.” He ran his hand over the front of his shirt and stood tall. “I came here to win you back.”
“Jack,” I said.
“This is the type of guy you want, right?” He held his arms out wide, and then said, “Wait,” he lifted his hand to his head and messed up his hair. “Better?”
“What are you doing?”
“Am I wrong?” He looked back at the car.
Addi stepped between us. “Hey, this isn’t a good time.” She told him.
“When is? When she’s ignoring me in the hallway? When she won’t answer my calls?” He motioned toward me, his hand limp as a fish.
There was a reason I didn’t answer his calls. I wanted to forget him. “You said it yourself, I can’t keep a boyfriend.”
He let out a loud laugh, loud enough to make me jump. “I’m expired. Like a gallon of milk.”
A car door shut and Cody walked toward us.
“Why’d you bring him here like this,” Addi said.
“I asked him to,” Jack said.
I appreciated Addi’s concern, but she didn’t have to step in.
Cody shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. How could he even do that to a friend? Earlier he’d told me he wanted me back himself. Now he brought Jack here, and drunk at that.
“What are you doing?” I said through my gritted teeth.
“You broke the guy’s heart, Jonesy.” Cody said, casually as if he hadn’t broken my heart just a few months ago.
“We should leave them alone
,” Addi said.
“I don’t want to be alone with him.”
“What did I do?” Jack held his hands out, palms up. He looked from me then to Cody as if Cody were an expert on me.
“You came here drunk,” said Addi.
“She won’t talk to me sober either.” Then he looked at me. His eyes were watery and red behind his glasses. “You’re my best friend and you can’t even tell me what I did.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. I was his best friend. I had been comfortable with him. More so than I’d ever been with a guy before, but that was the reason why this had to end.
“I deserve an explanation.” He looked at Cody as he swayed, “Right, man?” He nudged Cody’s chest, right in the middle of the Bulldogs logo on his sweatshirt.
Cody nodded.
“I’m sorry.” Tears stung my eyes. I couldn’t lose it in front of Jack. “I can’t.” I didn’t feel like I owed him anymore explanation than what he’d concluded himself. That I didn’t want to be loved because when I accepted it, I always ended up hurt. I turned and ran up the stairs. I could barely understand the words that Addi, Jack and Cody exchanged as I did.
Chapter Forty-two
My mom eased down beside me. I knew this talk was coming sooner or later. I sat on my bed and stared straight at the bright abstract painting on my wall. My eyes were still red and puffy from my encounter with Jack earlier. I didn’t get it. Normally, I was over a guy by now. Even when Mason tried to flirt with me over messenger earlier, I wasn’t feeling it. That was so not like me.
She didn’t say anything at first. Then she took a deep breath. “I don’t think I’ve been the best example when it comes to relationships.”
“You think me breaking up with Jack is your fault?”
“I’ve seen you with a lot of boys.” She shrugged and finally looked at me. “You’ve seen me with a lot of men since your dad left.”
“Lucky you, he’s back.” I picked at my bed sheet.
She sighed. “That’s another thing. Your dad, he’s not what’s best for me.”
“Then why is he sleeping in your bed?”
She lifted her eyebrows and lifted a shoulder. “He’s moving out today.”
“What happened to helping him because he’s family?”
“Not if it costs you your peace.” She reached up and pushed my hair out of my face.
I tilted away from her.
“I think your dad and I are better off friend,” she said after dropping her hand to her lap. “My point is, you are yourself when you’re around Jack.”
“I’m always myself.”
“With other boys, it was like you became whoever you thought they wanted you to be.”
I felt my heart lurch to my throat. I didn’t want her to be right, but when I was with Jesse, I played streetball every day. With Carson, I was a gamer, with Leo I joined the drama team. I was a cheerleader in the stands for Cody and Dylan. With Jack, I was just me. Maybe that was why this hurt so badly. I couldn’t just go and put on a different mask for a different boy and pretend. Jack saw me for who I was, and yet, he still cared.
“Don’t let your fear of being hurt keep you from being with the boy that makes you happy.”
“Too late, I’m already hurt.” My voice cracked as the words left my mouth. My eyes and emotions were already raw and it wasn’t going to take much for the waterworks to begin again.
“I know.” She put her arm around me and kissed the top of my head. For the first time since my dad came back, I felt like I could talk to my mom again.
“It hurts so much.” I sniffed, and she handed me a tissue.
“You can work it out.”
“I’m scared.” I blotted the tears.
“I know.”
“What if he doesn’t want me back? What if we do get back together and it hurts worse next time?”
“You can’t let that keep you from a relationship.”
She was one to talk.
“What about you? You won’t marry Greg and I know you love him.”
“You’re right. I don’t want to get hurt again like I did with your dad. When Greg proposed I ran. To be honest, it wasn’t just because the unsigned divorce papers.” She handed me another tissue. I tossed the used one on my bed.
“Let’s make a pact.” I blew my runny nose into the fresh tissue.
“Oh?”
“You go talk to Greg and I’ll talk to Jack.”
She laughed softly. “It’s a little more complicated than that. But yes, I will, as soon as I get rid of your dad.”
I know it was my idea, but after thinking about it, I was scared. “What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”
“He will.”
“How do you know?”
“I’m a mom, I know everything.” She smiled and kissed the top of my head. “While we’re on the subject of talking to people, you really need to talk to your father.”
“Mom.”
“I know it was crappy of him to not make you a priority. But if you don’t forgive him, you’re only hurting yourself.”
Sometimes I hated that she had to be right. “Okay, I’ll talk to him and forgive him as long as he’s not living here.” I could do that, have a relationship with my father and not have to live with him.
***
I couldn’t just go to Jack’s and pour out my heart, a heart I’d kept shut for years. I opened my laptop and began to type.
It wasn’t until the next day I was brave enough to do something about it. After I’d forgiven my dad, while he was packing his things, I texted Jack and asked him if he would proofread my paper. I wasn’t sure if he would or not after what happened.
He did reply, Yes. Though it was delayed and the little dots showing me he was typing came and went several times before he finally sent it.
Are you home now? I almost didn’t send it. I was too scared of what he’d say. He’d reached out to me all week and I’d continued to push him away. What if I’d pushed too far?
Be there in ten.
Again, when I climbed in my car, I was thankful for Greg and Evan’s help. I was hopeful that Greg would take my mom back and they would marry. I wanted someone like them around. Someone I could count on, like Jack.
Jack was on his front porch when I got to his house. He stood by the steps, his hands in the pockets of his wrestling sweatpants. His shoulders ridged. I wondered if this was a huge mistake. But he already saw me, it was too late to turn back now.
“Hey,” he lifted his chin.
“Hey.” As I fidgeted, the paper crinkled in my hands.
Then he asked, “You want me to read that?” Even though we both knew that was why I was here.
I wanted to say no, to turn and run back to my car, but I didn’t come this far to chicken out now. I nodded and handed it to him.
At first, I thought he was just going to stand here and read it. That was fine with me, but then he motioned toward the door. I followed him in. We sat at his kitchen table. This was the first time I’d been here and not been in his bedroom.
“Do you want something to drink?” he walked toward the fridge.
“No, thanks.” Why was he being so cordial after yesterday?
He sat the paper on the table before pouring himself a glass of water. I wish he’d just read it already, instead of making me sit here, knee bouncing under the table and heart beating like crazy. I wasn’t sure what he would say after he read it. Finally, he sat across from me.
“How are you?” He pulled the essay toward him.
“Okay.” Not good. “You?”
“Been better.” He began to read.
I sucked in a breath and held it. How could I breathe, how could I just sit here watching him read? I couldn’t do anything as he sat across from me and read my heart. I glanced down at the table, resisting the urge to take my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans. I studied the back of my hand, the smooth lines in the table. My nail polish was beginning to chip. I refused to
look up at him. I’d completely poured my soul out on that page.
This was what it said:
Do I know a thing about love and loss? Let me tell you that yes, I do.
When I was little, my dad was my hero. He would sit me on his shoulders and make me the tallest person in the world. When he lifted me in the air I would fly. When he held me in his arms, I was safe from the entire universe. When he talked to me, I was special.
But then he was gone. Out of the blue it was over. He didn’t die. This isn’t that kind of story. If he had, I could still go visit a grave and know that he didn’t choose to leave me. The truth is, he left and barely looked back.
I didn’t think this made that much of an impact on me. I didn’t cry, much anyway. I just went on with my life, talking to my friends. Taking care of my little brother and helping my mom.
But I became absolutely consumed with boys. Suddenly boys were everywhere. I could trade one in after another. Like I was getting something new at a store. Maybe I was looking for someone to make me feel as tall as my dad had or someone who would make me fly or a boy that would keep me safe from the world like a superhero. My expectations were a little high.
Until one boy after a long line of boys. I began to think I’d never have those feelings again like I was larger than life. But this boy, he made me feel tall even though standing next to him, I was quite short. His kisses made me feel like I was flying and when he talked it always made me smile. In his arms, I was safe. I was felt so safe that I was even able to be myself around him, which never happened with other boys. But I didn’t believe it. You see, when those feeling started to surface, I was a chicken. I ran.
I didn’t want to lose the very thing I was running from. It was easier for me to do the rejecting than wait for him to reject me. This loss hurt so much worse than any other. I don’t want to run anymore. I only hope that this won’t be another story of love and loss, but of love and recovery.
I finally looked up when the paper crinkled. He was looking at me now.
“What do you think?”
When he didn’t reply to me right away, I said, “Is it shallow?” I couldn’t believe I was able to speak through the lump in my throat.