“I have to tell you something,” I said, unlocking my car doors and motioning to her to sit inside. Just the hour that the car had been sitting in the lot had been enough to spike the temperature well over a hundred, and I lowered myself onto the old vinyl gingerly and blasted the air.
“Now, Letty did not want me to tell you this—”
“Cora, come on, just tell me, I’m worried enough as it is.”
“Okay. The night you picked Letty up at that party . . . she had sex. Letty and Seth slept together.”
“Oh my God.” Ali looked as if someone had hit her in the stomach, her face paling.
“I’m sorry—”
“How could you have not told me?” she said, turning on me, the color coming back now, her cheeks flushed with anger. “How dare you withhold this kind of information from me? You had no right, none. I don’t know what’s wrong with you these days, Cora, but ever since you’ve been back you’ve been acting like—” She stopped for a moment, searching for her next words. I had no idea what she would say, either, but I was giving her the time to figure it out.
“We’re not talking the way we always have,” she finally finished. “I know that’s my fault. Letty’s been with us practically every second, so I’m not blaming you. But it feels like you’d rather talk to her than to me these days, anyway. Are you mad at me or something?”
I shook my head and reached out to take her hand, but she pulled it away. “No, of course not, Ali,” I said. “I was just waiting for the right time—”
“There is no right time,” she said. “Do you know where she is? Is she okay?”
“Of course I don’t know where she is,” I defended myself. “I would tell you. You’ve had enough to worry about with Benny, and she was with us every second she wasn’t at school, so I figured that, for now, while she was grounded anyway, she was safe. I’m sure she’s okay. I imagine she and Seth skipped school. She’s probably at his house.”
“Do you know where he lives?”
“If I did we’d have already been over there,” I said. “Now look, if I had any idea where she was, I would tell you. Stop acting like I’ve kidnapped your daughter.”
We glared at each other. I had never argued with Ali about Letty. I’d never even considered asserting my maternal rights. I had none. We weren’t co-mothers. And I had never felt that more pointedly than I did now.
Ali finally slumped back in her seat and covered her face with her hands.
“I can’t believe she’s having sex,” she whispered, and then groaned, as if saying the words physically hurt her. “What did she say?”
I repeated the conversation, making sure to lead off with the fact that Letty had assured me that they’d used a condom, and finishing with her assertion that they were in love. Ali snorted at that.
“Please,” she said. “She’s a child, a child. In love.” She groaned again, then took a deep breath, and when she spoke again, she sounded uncertain. “Is she, was she okay?”
“I asked,” I said quietly. “She said she was, but who knows. I don’t think she’d have told me if she wasn’t. I’m shocked that she told me as much as she did.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?” Ali asked, pain in her voice. “I don’t understand. She’s always been so open with me.”
She looked at me, bewildered, but I didn’t have much of an answer for her.
“I imagine she thought she’d get in even more trouble than she already was,” I said. “And I think she was afraid that you’d tell Benny.”
Ali rolled her eyes toward the roof of the car. “Oh my God, Benny’s going to kill this kid,” she said.
“Letty or Seth?”
She sighed. “Both, I imagine. Okay, so she’s in love, she’s mad that she’s grounded and can’t see him, so they took the day off school so they could spend time together. Ugh. You’d think they would have been smart enough to get back to school in time for you to pick her up.”
I shrugged. Yes, I would have thought Letty was smarter than that, too, but a new idea crossed my mind.
“I wonder if she’s doing this on purpose,” I said.
“Why? She must know she has our attention the last couple of weeks,” she said.
“Well, maybe not. Last night, after you went to bed, Letty said she overheard you and Benny talking about having another baby.”
Ali gasped, her hand flying to her mouth.
“I told her she must have misunderstood.”
She tilted her head back against the seat and stared up at the sagging headliner. “Oh, this is just not at all how I pictured this. I was waiting until this thing with Benny worked itself out before I mentioned it to you.”
“Did she hear correctly? Are you really thinking about doing it again?” I asked. She lifted her head up and looked at me.
“Yeah,” she said with a small smile. “I am. Actually, I’m doing more than thinking about it. I really want to do it. Last night, Benny said we could talk about it. He was against it at first, but I guess not having us there made him give it some more thought. And I’m—I think we’re going to go home this weekend. Benny says he feels much better now that he’s talking with Dr. Weist, and I’m ready. I’ve missed him so much. So, yeah, I want another baby. What do you think?”
“Wow, that’s what I think,” I said with a laugh. “I don’t know, I guess I’m not sure what to think. You’d go through it all again? I just don’t think I could do it.”
“Well, we have nine embryos left. I’ve been paying to keep—”
“Whoa,” I said, holding my hand up, “wait a second. Still have embryos left? Mine?” I stared at her wide-eyed, dismay filling my belly, making me nauseated.
Ali looked taken aback. “Well, ours, I mean, mine and Benny’s . . . yes, yours, I guess.”
“Oh no, no, Ali, you can’t!”
“Why not?” she asked, clearly shocked at my reaction.
“They can’t possibly still be good,” I protested, certain that my shock was greater than hers. It had never crossed my mind that she might want to use the original embryos. How could that be possible? I’d never imagined that Ali would have continued to pay for storage of them for this many years. I’d also never thought about what would be done with them if she decided to stop paying to store them.
What did they do with them?
“I think they could,” Ali said. “An Israeli woman gave birth from twelve-year-old embies, and in 2006 a Spanish woman gave birth from thirteen-year-old embryos. They’re saying there’s no telling how long they could remain viable. I mean, I know it’s a long shot, but it was a long shot to begin with and we did it.”
She was glowing as if she were already pregnant. I tried to rein my feelings in. I had to tell her, of course, but neither of us would have the time we needed to discuss it, not while we still didn’t know where Letty was.
“Okay, we should talk about this, we will talk about this. But first, what are we doing about Letty?” I asked.
“Oh God, I don’t know,” she said. “Okay, let’s call some of her friends. Damn, I wish Benny hadn’t taken her cell phone away. Hey, let’s grab her cell phone. It’s in my closet. I bet this guy’s number is in it.” She looked triumphant.
“Good idea,” I agreed. “I’ll meet you there.”
“No,” she said, “I don’t want Benny to realize anything is wrong yet. I’ll grab the phone and meet you back at your place.”
I drove her back to her car, wishing I could feel as relieved as she clearly did. Before she got out she reached over and squeezed my arm. “It’s going to be okay,” she said, and I nodded and smiled automatically, then drove home with the nausea in my belly returning.
Now, not only did I have to tell her how sick I was and how sick the child I had made for her might get, but I got to crush her dreams of having another one.
9
ALI
I managed to get home before Benny and didn’t bother to turn the car off, leaving it running in the driveway
like a burglar. The house had the stale air of a home without a family, and an overwhelming sense of sadness stole over me as I dashed into our bedroom.
I groped along the top of the gun safe, assuming my hand would quickly connect with Letty’s purse, but all I got was some dust. I stood back and craned my neck to get a better view and couldn’t see it. I’d watched him put it up there. I jumped once, twice, and it was definitely not there. I looked around the closet, wondering why he’d moved it.
I looked through the rest of the house, but it definitely wasn’t there, and I finally gave up and headed back to Cora’s.
She was in the guest room when I got back to her house, looking through the closet. She turned as I walked in, her face somber.
“Some of her stuff is gone,” she said.
“What do you mean?” I asked, gazing into the closet with her. I was the one who took her to school, and she hadn’t had anything but her backpack. But now that I thought of it, it had looked more full than usual.
“Well, what the hell?” I asked, baffled.
“I don’t know. She left plenty of things, so I don’t think she actually ran away, but other stuff is definitely gone, so I don’t know, maybe she did and just didn’t want it to look like it? Or, her bathing suit isn’t hanging in the shower anymore, and her beach towel is gone, too, so maybe they just went to the beach and lost track of time,” Cora said. “Did you find her cell phone?”
“No,” I said, still looking at the closet. “It was in our closet, but Benny must have moved it.”
“Your closet in your room?” Cora asked.
I just looked at her.
“She went in your room when we went to the house to pick up some of her clothes on Tuesday,” she said.
“Oh, I am just going to kill her,” I said, running out of the room and grabbing the phone, dialing her number with shaking fingers.
“Answer, answer, answer,” I pleaded softly as Letty’s phone rang . . . and rang. At the sound of her voice, her recorded voice, I still felt enormous relief. At least there was this tether to her, taken on purpose, evidence that she was doing this by choice, not hauled along somewhere against her will.
“Letty, it’s Mom,” I said, willing myself to remain calm. “I need you to call me immediately. I get it. There’s been a lot of tension, a lot of fighting with all of us, Dad, me, you. But I need to know that you’re okay. I’ve not said anything to your dad yet, but, Let, I’m going to have to soon if I don’t hear from you. I’m at Cora’s, and my cell is on. I’ll give you . . .” I looked at my watch and calculated how far I could push it with Benny. “Until seven o’clock. If I don’t hear from you by then, I’ll have to get your father involved. And you know what that means. I know about Seth, I know—everything, and it will be—” The tone sounded that I had run out of time, and I jabbed the off button in irritation.
Cora was leaning against the sofa when I turned around. I shook my head.
“She didn’t answer,” I said.
“I’m really sorry,” Cora said, her face sorrowful, accentuating how bloated and tired she looked. “I honestly didn’t think she was going to run away, I thought she was just trying to get some attention.”
I sighed. “It’s certainly not your fault. I told her to call by seven or I would have to tell Benny.”
“What will he do?” Cora asked.
“Depends,” I said. “He’ll do as much as he can, you know, legally. If this kid is old enough, he’ll try to charge him with whatever he can. I’m going to try Emily again.”
I dialed Emily’s, and her mother answered. My relief at speaking to another mother I knew was only slightly greater than my humiliation at calling her over my daughter’s transgressions twice in one month.
“Hi, Jean, it’s Ali. How are you?” I asked, forcing myself to slow down and be civil.
“Oh, hi, Ali,” she answered. “Emily had a nice time last night.”
“Well, it was lovely to see her. I was actually calling to see if she was home? I’m looking for a friend of Letty’s and thought she might know him,” I said, trying to keep my tone light.
“Emily’s not here.” Jean said, sounding a little puzzled and a lot curious. I hated it. We’d been close when the girls were little, but we’d drifted apart while the girls stayed friends—although when I looked back over the past several months, I had seen Emily less and less. I didn’t know why I hadn’t noticed it before.
“Does she have a cell phone?” I asked, and Jean laughed.
“Who doesn’t?” she replied, giving me the number. But she wasn’t ready to let me go just yet.
“Is everything okay?” she asked.
“I think so,” I said, cautious of telling her too much before I knew anything.
“Well,” she said, then hesitated.
“What, Jean?”
“I just . . . I’ve been worried, you know, at some of the things Emily has said . . .”
“Okay. Like what?”
“Just, things, you know the way girls are.”
She laughed. I stayed silent, letting her twist in the uncomfortable quiet, knowing she would crack. She cleared her throat, and I heard ice falling into a glass.
“I don’t guess the girls have been very close this year, that’s all. There’s a boyfriend, I hear?”
I was suddenly very, very tired, and no longer cared that Jean might think I had lost all control over my daughter. The thing was, apparently I had. My concern won out over my pride.
“Jean? Pardon me for being blunt, but my daughter seems to have run away. I don’t know this boy at all. His name is Seth, and if there’s anything, anything at all, no matter how minute or unsubstantiated, I wish you would just tell me, because I need to find my daughter.”
Now it was her turn to be silent. I waited. When she spoke again, there was no false concern in her voice, only the urgency of one panicked mother to another, and it no longer mattered that we had grown so far apart.
“Okay, let’s see . . . yes, I know his name is Seth, but I don’t know a last name. Hang on, let me get to her room. She might have it on her computer; she has no idea I know the password.” I heard a door opening and then fingers on a keyboard, but she kept talking while she worked. “All I know is that from what Emily has told me—now keep in mind this is an adolescent girl who might be a little hurt that her friend is moving away from her—”
“I get it, thank you,” I said.
“Okay, so she says that Letty started hanging out with a real party crowd, older kids, she hardly talks to any freshmen anymore. Their other friends from middle school all seem to be mad at her for dumping them. Emily says she’s one of the only ones who still talks to her. She wasn’t going to go on the birthday dinner, but I made her.” Her fingers stopped tapping.
“No, I’m not seeing a Seth on her MySpace page,” she said. “I’ll check her e-mail.”
I was impressed. Not only did I not know if Letty even had a MySpace page, I certainly wouldn’t have been savvy enough to have discovered her passwords. And, to be honest, I still held the belief that my daughter deserved a certain amount of privacy. But I was reconsidering that.
“Nope,” Jean said. “I’ve got nothing but e-mail from Letty where she mentions Seth, and . . .” More tapping. “No good information there, just talk about parties, kissing, the usual. Okay, let me think for a minute, see if there’s anything else on here that might be useful.”
“Thank you, Jean,” I said quietly.
“Parents have to stick together these days, don’t we?” she murmured, still working on the computer.
“I guess so,” I said, but she wasn’t really listening at that point.
Finally she sighed. “Ali, I’m sorry, but there’s just not much here. I tell you what, wait for about ten minutes. I’ll call Emily and tell her to be honest with you when you call. I assure you, she’ll tell you what she knows.” Her voice had turned dark. I believed her.
And as I hung up I had to question my own
parenting. In any other situation, Jean’s level of involvement in Emily’s life would have been horrifying to me. But perhaps that was what was called for. The things I was going on to Cora about, insisting how things were different now, how I had to be more strict, perhaps I was only skating across the surface of what being a parent now meant.
All I knew was that Emily was going to be at home that night, and my daughter might not.
I kept an eye on the clock and called Emily after ten minutes had gone by. When she answered, she sounded nervous.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Emily, it’s Ali.”
“Oh, hi,” she said.
“Your mom talked to you?” I asked.
“Yeah. What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t want you to say anything that’s not true,” I said, trying to put her at ease. “I promise I won’t tell Letty that we talked, okay? I just need to know that she’s okay, and since she hasn’t talked to me about this boy she’s seeing, I really kind of need someone to do it for her.”
“Okay. Well, his name is Seth Caple, he’s a sophomore, and he lives out in the Estates.”
I was scribbling down notes as she talked. “Do you have his number?” I asked.
“No, but I might be able to find someone who does, if you want.” But she sounded doubtful.
“That would be great,” I said. “So, what else can you tell me about Letty and Seth? Did you see them today at school? Did she talk about running away?”
She hesitated. “No-oo, she never said anything. But I’m not surprised.”
“Really? Why?” It took everything I had to not just yell at her, Tell me what I need to know! But I didn’t want to frighten the information right out of her, make her freeze up like a bunny.
“She just got, really into him, you know? And she liked that whole crowd; she was trying to be more like them. She acted like the rest of us were just big babies or something. And, I mean, I don’t know if you know but, they do drugs and stuff, and someone told me that Seth sells, too.”
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