There was a long moment of silence.
“Uh, yeah. Is—Where’s Letty?”
“Letty is home, with me. Where are you, Seth? What happened today?”
“She’s okay?”
“She’s upset, but she’s here. Now I want to know about you. What exactly did you think you were doing taking my daughter to Venice? You do know that she’s fifteen? That her father is a police officer?”
“I—I know, yeah, I do know.”
“So what did you do to my daughter that had her calling in a panic for me to come get her?”
“I didn’t do anything, I swear, I didn’t. I got—I screwed up.”
I didn’t know this kid, but there was real fear in his voice. “What do you mean, you screwed up? What’s going on?”
“I can’t—” He broke off into a frustrated groan. “I’m—they’re holding me. I was just trying to get hold of Letty so I could tell her I was okay. I knew she had to be worried.”
“What do you mean? Who’s holding you?”
“Well, you know, I mean, the cops, you know?”
“Great, that’s great. What happened? Why are they holding you? Have they charged you with anything? Where are your parents?”
He blew out his breath hard enough into the phone that I pulled Letty’s cell away from my ear. “Seth?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you called your parents? I’m sure they’re worried about you.”
“Oh man. No, no my parents aren’t worried about me. But hey—hey, uh, Mrs. Gutierrez?”
I had always told Letty’s friends to call me Ali. But I wasn’t willing to do that this time, not like this. Mrs. Gutierrez was fine.
“Could you just tell Letty, just tell her that I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave her alone there, and I thought I’d be back quick, and—”
“Seth. Seth, listen to me: Do your parents know you’re in jail?”
“No! No, man, shit. Look, I mean, I’m sorry I cussed, okay? No, they won’t be able to find my parents. It’s just not—it’s not gonna happen, okay?”
His voice had climbed high, betraying his fear, and I couldn’t help myself.
“What can I do to help you, Seth? Why can’t they contact your parents?”
“My mom hasn’t been around for, what? Fifteen years? And my dad—my dad wanted me gone anyway, okay? He’s sure as hell not going to answer the phone or do anything to get me out. So, look, I’m really sorry about everything. Please tell Letty that I love her—”
We were both shocked into silence at that.
“Okay, so, sorry,” he said.
“Tell me where you’re at, Seth,” I said, but he had already hung up.
“Mom?”
I closed Letty’s phone and turned to her. I didn’t know how long she had been there. She was in her ancient Hello Kitty pajamas. When we picked her up from the party and she’d changed into them at home, I had been shocked at how obscene she had suddenly looked in them. They were too small, years too small, and had been washed so many times the fabric had thinned to something between lace and fog.
Everything about her that night had been tawdry: her hair dry and slept on, her expression rebellious and pouting, her posture loose-limbed, her arms and legs too long and splayed in the pseudosexual manner of fourteen-year-old models.
Tonight, the pajamas were the same, but everything else was different. Her hair was still damp, combed tightly back into a low ponytail in a sprung scrunchy; her face was scrubbed clean of make-up, her eyes were wide and scared, and she held herself closely together, as if prepared for cold.
My little girl broke my heart, but I made a mental note to discard the Hello Kitty pajamas once she had changed out of them.
“Yeah, honey?”
“Was that . . . ?”
“Come on in and sit down. It’s time for you to tell me what’s been going on.”
I kicked my shoes off and scooted up on the bed, against the headboard, and patted the bed next to me. She came hesitantly, but at last she came and she talked, settling against me and telling me about how much she felt she’d changed in comparison to the kids she went to middle school with, how she met Seth in the courtyard at lunch, how they’d fallen in love, and then, God help me, that they had slept together the night of the party.
“And . . .” I couldn’t frame what I wanted to ask her properly. “Are you okay? Was it . . . painful? Were you scared?”
“You’re not mad?”
“Oh, I don’t know that I’d say that,” I said. “I am. I think you’re much too young—”
“How old were you?”
“That’s not the point.”
She pulled away so she could look me in the eye. “Why not?”
“Because it was a different time, a long time ago, and because I know a lot more now than I did then. I was too young, too, and I was pressured into it. I was afraid, of a lot of things, making him mad for one. And I thought I was older than I really was.”
“Mom.”
I sighed. “I was fifteen, Letty, but older than you. You were technically still fourteen.”
“Was it Dad?”
“This conversation isn’t about me, Letty. It’s about you. We’ll talk more about me one day, but not tonight. Now, were you pressured?”
She shook her head. “Not really. I mean, I didn’t really want it to happen there, like that, but I did want to do it—sorry. I did want to, with him, and I told him I did.”
What was I supposed to do? It was already over, there was no going back. I wanted, more than anything, to wail and protest that she was too young enough times that it would somehow make a difference in the universe and I could turn the clock back. But at no time during my life had that ever worked, and I’d tried it plenty. So I took a deep breath and continued to ask the questions that the situation called for.
“And did you use protection?”
“Mom,” she said, a thin hint of a whine creeping back into her voice.
“Did you?”
“We used a condom, okay?”
“And was that the only time?”
“Well, yeah, remember? You grounded me.”
“You skipped school today. You might have skipped every day for the past few weeks for all I know.”
“But I didn’t.”
“Okay.”
“Was that him on the phone?”
“It was, and I’ll let you know what he said, but I want to hear the rest. Why did you run away, and what happened in Venice?”
Letty looked away from me, her face turning crimson.
“Letty. It’s time to be honest with me.”
“You’re going to be mad.”
“I’m already mad. But you’re home, you’re okay, and we’re going to work this out.”
She looked at me speculatively for a moment, gauging whether I was telling the truth, and then she took a deep breath, sighing it out before she started, resignation heavy in her voice.
“Seth wanted to go see his cousin.”
“Did you plan this?” I asked, unable to keep myself from interrupting.
“He asked me to go a couple of days ago,” she said, then fell silent, waiting for me to fire another question at her. I restrained myself, and she started again. “So we were just supposed to go up for a few hours, to the beach where they have all the shark’s teeth, you know? And then we were going to come right back. But there were a bunch of people there and everyone was drinking, and when we went back to his cousin’s place, they took off—”
“Who took off?”
“Seth and Jimmy, his cousin.”
“Were they drinking?”
“Everyone was drinking, Mom.”
“Were you?”
Letty looked away from me.
“Yes. But I only had a beer, that was all.”
“Okay, keep going.”
“So they left, and then Jimmy’s roommate was trying to get me to drink more. They were playing beer pong, and—”
> “How old is Jimmy?” I asked. I wanted to find Jimmy and his roommate and wring their necks.
“I don’t know, maybe twenty?”
“And his roommate?”
“Mom,” she protested.
“All right. So he wanted you to play a drinking game?”
“Yeah, but I was getting nervous about what time it was, and Seth wasn’t back, so I went into the bedroom and tried to call him, but he didn’t answer. And then Jimmy’s roommate came in the bedroom, and . . .”
“And what, sweetie?” I asked softly, praying silently that nothing like what I was envisioning happened.
“He was trying to, you know, kiss me and everything.”
My hands curled into fists, and I breathed deeply, trying to hide my fury. Grown men feeding my daughter alcohol, coming on to her; I got a little taste of how out of control Benny felt.
Letty rushed forward. “But I got away.”
“Got away? Did you have to fight? Did he hurt you?”
“No, Mom, I just, you know, I screamed, and someone came to the door, and I got out and ran to the bathroom and locked the door.”
“Well, how far did he get?”
“He just—kissed me,” she said, in a near whisper.
“Are you sure, Letty? If anything else happened, I need to know. Everything will be okay, but I need to know.”
“No,” she said, sounding stronger. “He scared me. He held on to me, my arms, when he was trying to kiss me, but nothing else happened. It just scared me.”
I stared at her, trying to decide if she was telling me the truth. I thought she was.
“Okay,” I said. “So how did you get out?”
“I stayed in the bathroom for a while, and after I heard him go in the living room I went back to the bedroom, locked the door, and then went out the window.”
“Good girl,” I said, so relieved by her escape that I forgot to be angry with her.
“I can handle myself, you know,” she said, her voice filled with bravado.
“You should have never been in the situation to begin with,” I said. “And jumping out of a window isn’t handling yourself. I’m glad you did it, but knowing how to handle yourself means keeping yourself out of questionable situations to begin with. Skipping school, lying to me and your father, and leaving town with a boy we’ve never met is not handling yourself well. It’s immature, and . . .” I trailed off when Cora appeared in the doorway.
As I had been lecturing Letty I had forgotten about Cora, about why she was here, about the fifty percent. I stared at my daughter, all of my anger draining out of me as I considered how irrevocably things might change soon.
“Everything okay in here?” Cora asked.
“It’s fine,” I said quietly. “We’re fine.”
“Okay. Good night, Letty.”
“ ’ Night, Aunt Cora,” Letty said, looking from me to Cora rapidly, aware that something had changed.
I took a deep breath as Cora turned away.
“Okay, we’ll talk more about this tomorrow,” I said. “But I think I’m done for the night. And you need to get to sleep.”
I reached out and pulled her toward me, and, surprised, she let me hold her against me, breathe in the warm scent of shampoo and soap and girl. For the moment I was just happy to have her here, safe, for as long as I could keep her that way. I finally pulled away and stood, dizzy and fatigued with emotion.
“Wait, Mom,” Letty said, reaching for my hand and tugging me back. I sank down on the edge of the bed. “Are you . . . are you and Dad planning on having a baby?”
“What makes you say that?” I asked, trying to ascertain what exactly she had heard.
“I heard you talking after dinner last night,” she said, then fell silent, waiting for me to fill her in.
“If your father and I decide to add to our family, we will discuss it with you together at an appropriate time,” I said.
“Well—I don’t think you should,” Letty said, the words coming quickly, defiantly, as if she had stored them up for a moment when she felt brave enough to say them.
“Why is that?” I asked, truly curious.
“Mom, I mean . . .” Letty’s eyebrows pinched together and she leaned forward, pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them.
“What, Letty? You obviously have something to say about this.”
“Okay, well, you had all those problems and all those miscarriages and then you had me, and all those articles, you know? You always talked about how hard it was, losing all those babies, and how it was so hard on you and Dad, and how grateful you were that you finally had me. And then you even did it again and it didn’t work and—you know, Aunt Cora is happy to not even have one baby. Why aren’t you happy anymore with just me?”
I started to speak, but Letty was determined to have her say.
“And you’re too old, and if you did get pregnant and had a baby you’re going to do the same thing to it that you did to me, and I just don’t think it’s fair.”
“You don’t think it was fair? What did I do to you?” I asked.
“God, Mom, everywhere I went everyone knew all about me. All my friends knew everything, about me being conceived and everything about you, and how you didn’t have good eggs, and their mothers would all ask me questions and, it was just, really . . .”
“Embarrassing?”
“Yeah, it was totally embarrassing, for, like, ever. And even, you know, all the stories, and the stuff on your wall, it’s all still there, and so even now, even when I’m fifteen, if people come over to the house they see all that stuff, and I just don’t think you should have another baby if it’s, like, this whole big thing that lasts for years and years. And it would be even worse now because the baby would also have to grow up with you and Dad so much older than all its friends’ parents and it would just be another thing making it a freak.”
“Letty, my God, did you think you were a freak?”
I pressed my hand over my heart, suddenly unable to breathe.
“Well, yeah, I was. It’s not like you guys just did it and had me and people who needed to know, knew. You had to tell the whole world about it. I mean, I’m sorry, but it’s weird to be, like, seven years old and be talking to my friends’ moms about sperm.”
“But we were so happy,” I said, leaning forward, taking her hands in mine. “Don’t you understand? We were so, so happy to have you. Of course we wanted to tell the whole world. You were a miracle, Letty, a perfect, beautiful little miracle.”
Letty shrugged and looked away.
“Well, isn’t one miracle enough?”
LETTY
She might have gone too far. Her mom just stared at her, like she didn’t even know who she was. And she still didn’t know what Seth had said. She should have asked about that first.
“Mom?”
Her mother just shook her head and pressed her lips together.
“Mom, what did Seth say?”
She knew it might just get her angry again, but she had to ask. It took her mom a minute to change gears, and Letty could tell she was still distracted. She answered, but it was like she was across the room; her voice sounded faraway, sad.
“Oh. Okay. Well, it sounds as though he’s in trouble. He didn’t say he was arrested, but they’re holding him until they can find his parents. From what he said, that’s not going to happen.”
“He’s in jail?” Letty asked, surprised, but not completely shocked.
“I didn’t say that. It sounded to me like they were holding him to turn over to his parents.”
“But, Mom, his dad didn’t even want him in the house. He won’t do anything. Mom, we have to do something,” she pleaded, panicking at the thought of him in jail, or wherever he was being held.
“Oh, honey, there’s nothing we can do,” her mom said.
“Call Dad,” she said, realizing how crazy it was. Her dad, especially in the mood he’d been in lately, would sooner hit Seth than help him. “He�
�s a cop, he can make them let him go.”
“Letty!”
“Mom,” she begged. “Please, we have to do something. They could, they could keep him until he’s eighteen if nobody does anything, couldn’t they?”
“I don’t know. I guess it depends on what happened, Letty, I just don’t know enough about it. Luckily, for me and for her, I haven’t had to pick my child up from jail.”
Letty knew it was supposed to make her feel ashamed, and she did, but it didn’t change the fact that Seth was in trouble.
“You must have an idea about what he did to get picked up,” her mother said.
Letty didn’t say anything for a minute.
“Letty? This isn’t the time to get silent on me. Now, you found it easy enough to express your thoughts a moment ago. So let’s have it.”
Letty looked down at her hands, one holding the other, the tiny turquoise ring her father had given her when she was little now relegated to her pinkie finger. It was now really too tight on even that, and she began twisting it off as she spoke, avoiding her mom’s gaze.
“I think he might sell some pot once in a while,” she finally admitted. “He’s not, you know, a dealer or anything. I think he was just trying to make some money so he could afford his car.”
“Oh, Letty, are you serious?”
“But if he’d been doing anything, then they would have arrested him, right? So I think his stupid cousin is the one who did something, and Seth was just with him, you know? Mom, please, you have to help me.”
“Letty, he’s safe, okay? He’s safe for the night, and I’m not going to call your father, explain all of this to him, and then expect him to do something for the boy who slept with his daughter, persuaded her to run away with him, and is possibly a pot dealer. Think that’s really a good idea?”
“No,” she whispered.
“All right.” Her mother sighed, rubbing her forehead and getting up off the bed. “You need to get to sleep. I am going to call your father to pick you up and take you to school in the morning.”
“Why?” Letty asked.
“I have something important to take care of with Cora, and I can’t leave you here by yourself.”
“What are you doing?”
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