"I don't think so…" He stared thoughtfully out the window. "I'm thinking of opening a studio." He smiled reflectively. "Traveling just doesn't hold the same appeal anymore." He looked at her. "You always told me my talent was portraits."
Sherri nodded, her heart clenching in her chest. When they'd been married, she'd dreamed of him giving up his travels and opening his own photography studio. It seemed ironic that he was making that choice now…years too late.
"I'm tired of the traveling. I've been tired of it for some time." Again his gaze went out the window…thoughtfully…soberly. "There was a time when I thought the traveling, the awards, the accolades were all that was important. This last three weeks with Danny has made me see things a little differently." He looked back at her and smiled ruefully. "Maybe I'm finally growing up, too."
Sherri was glad…glad for him. "It will be nice for Danny to be able to see you whenever he wants."
"That's one thing we both did right," he observed. "At least we never used Danny to hurt each other. We never used him as a pawn between us." He reached out and touched the flying-bird paper ornament.
Sherri fought her impulse to reach out and take his hand in hers, fought her need to touch him. "Luke, for every three things we did wrong…we did at least one thing right."
For a moment, their gazes remained locked and Sherri wondered vaguely if her love for him was in her eyes for him to see.
His own eyes gave away nothing of his emotions. They were midnight blue and darkly enigmatic. He scooted away from the table and stood up. "I think I'll go fold up the lawn chairs and get them packed away. We'll want to get an early start in the morning. I just hope we don't hit any snowstorms going home."
Once he was gone, Sherri began packing up the things inside the motor home and getting it ready for travel once again. She'd never thought she'd be sorry to see this trip end, but suddenly she dreaded the ending of what had been such special times together. Like Danny, she had enjoyed the aura of family. She started to take down the little tree, then stopped. She wasn't ready to pack it away yet. It could sit in the center of the table until they got home.
"Mom?" Danny called to her. "Mom, can you come here?"
She hurried to where he rested in the top bunk. "What's up, honey?"
"Mom, I really don't feel good."
"What's the matter?" she asked, eyeing him worriedly. His face was flushed unnaturally red and as she placed a hand over his forehead, she realized he was fevered. His skin was hot and dry.
"I just feel really bad. I'm all dizzy and I feel like I'm gonna throw up." He coughed, a dry, hacking one. "I feel bad, Mom."
"You feel like you're running a temperature. Let me get the thermometer." Sherri's hands trembled slightly as she found the thermometer and inserted it beneath Danny's tongue.
It could just be a touch of the flu, she told herself. Or too much exertion. They'd been going pretty hard the past couple of days.
It could be the onset of a dozen normal childhood ailments, but always in the back of her mind was the fear that it was the insidious disease renewing its grasp on her son.
The thermometer beeped and Sherri read it, her body growing tense as she saw the hundred-and-three degree reading. She placed a hand on the side of his face, noting the dry heat that seemed to radiate from his skin. "You just lie here quietly and I'm going to go talk to your dad," Sherri said.
Danny barely nodded. He closed his eyes, his breath coming rapidly, moving his little chest in an unnatural, rapid rhythm.
Sherri hurried outside. "Luke, Danny is sick."
For a moment, Luke looked at her blankly. "Sick? What's wrong with him?"
"I don't know." Sherri twisted her fingers together. "He says he feels bad and I took his temperature and it's a hundred and three." She choked down the fear that threatened to crawl up her throat. She stared at him hollowly, fighting down her panic. "Luke…I think maybe we'd better get him to a hospital."
Chapter Nine
It took only a few minutes for Luke to get them unhooked from the utilities and pay for their previous usage. While he took care of these details, Sherri studied the material provided by the Dream Producers, looking for the nearest medical facility.
"It looks like there's a park clinic not far from here," Sherri said as Luke pulled the motor home out onto the road. "Go left," she instructed. "And when you get to the first intersection, make a right. If we follow that road, it should take us right to the clinic."
They rode in silence, their concern a living, breathing thing in the air. Sherri worried the map in her lap, trying to fight down her fear. Night was coming and the motor home wouldn't go fast enough to please her. "It's probably just a touch of a flu bug," she finally said, needing to break the heavy silence.
"Yeah, I'm sure you're right. We've been around a lot of people in the past couple of days. He probably just picked up a virus of some kind." There was a quiet desperation in his voice, a need to believe his own words.
They looked at each other…two people with dark hollow eyes mouthing empty words meant to soothe. He reached out for her hand, and she grasped his tightly, their fear not spoken but acknowledged through their fingertips. She wished she could say something, anything to ease the fear that radiated from his hand to hers. But there was nothing she could do but hold tight, her dread eased slightly by the pressure of his hand holding hers.
It seemed like an eternity before they saw the lights of the clinic ahead. Luke didn't release her hand until they pulled up front.
Luke carried Danny in and Sherri followed, clutching Danny's medical charts against her heart. It took the doctor only moments to assess Danny's situation and whisk him away to an examining room.
Sherri and Luke sat anxiously in the tiny waiting room where the doctor had requested they remain. Luke paced in the small confines, his footsteps heavy with the burden of worry. Sherri watched him, knowing her own eyes mirrored the dark torture in his. The waiting room was decorated with red and green crepe paper, and the attempt at holiday spirit only increased Sherri's dread. Had it only been that morning that they had all stood around the little plastic tree and sung carols? Had it only been that morning that Danny had been smiling and giggling at his father's singing?
Not yet, she prayed inwardly. Please, God, don't take him yet. It's Christmas Day. We aren't ready for this. Give us a little more time with him. Let us love him just a little bit longer. She closed her eyes and repeated the prayer over and over again.
She continued until she felt Luke sit in the chair next to her, felt his hand reaching for hers. She opened her eyes and looked into his…saw the fear, the grief that made the blueness appear almost black. She squeezed his hand and smiled with a forced reassurance. "He'll be all right," she said with a confidence she didn't feel.
He smiled gratefully and held tightly to her hand. But it wasn't long before he was up and pacing again, his body taut with tension. "Dammit, what's taking so long?" he finally snapped. "What in the hell can be taking so long?" He slumped back into the chair next to Sherri. Her heart ached, for herself, for Luke…for Danny.
She looked up in relief as the doctor walked into the room, his expression inscrutable. Together, Luke and Sherri stood up.
"Please, sit back down." Dr. Michaels waited until they were reseated, then he pulled up a chair facing them. "I've examined Danny carefully and I've read all his medical records." The doctor's smile was filled with sympathy. "I've also run some blood tests and will know more when the results are in."
"Is it the leukemia?" Sherri finally found the courage to speak the word she and Luke had danced around.
"I don't think so, although his weakened condition has complicated things. It looks to me like Danny is suffering from a common cold. In a healthy child, it would be no problem, but Danny is having trouble shaking it off. His lungs are a little congested and his fever is up."
"Will he be all right?" Luke asked, his voice huskier than usual as he leaned forward and looked at t
he doctor intently.
"We've started an IV and I'd like to keep him under observation for the next twenty-four hours. As long as the blood tests don't show anything startling, I would say Danny should recover without further complications."
A shudder of relief coursed through Sherri, and Luke expelled a deep, trembling sigh. "Can we see him?" he asked.
Dr. Michaels stood up with a nod. "You can spend a few minutes with him. Unfortunately, we're a small facility and don't have the accommodations for the two of you to stay here inside the clinic for the night. However, there are several hookups in the back of the building. You can pull up back there for the night and then we'll see what the next twenty-four hours brings."
Dr. Michaels led them to the room where Danny was already ensconced in a hospital bed, an IV attached to the back of his hand. He looked tiny in the huge bed, his face pale as the sheets. He offered them a weak smile as they entered. "Dr. Michaels told me I'm gonna spend the night here," he said. "What a way to spend Christmas, huh?"
Sherri nodded and moved to the edge of the bed. She picked up his unencumbered hand and brought it to her lips. "Your dad and I are going to park the motor home around back. The doctor says we can't sleep in here with you, but if you need us for anything, you just tell the nurse and she can come outside and get us. Even if you want us to come in and sing some more Christmas carols, you just tell the nurse and we'll be right here."
"Yeah, partner, I'd love to sing some more Christmas songs," Luke said, and Sherri knew the effort he made to force his smile.
Danny smiled faintly. "Dad, I think maybe your singing might make everyone feel worse instead of better." He grinned at Luke's look of mock outrage. "I'll be all right," Danny replied. His eyes fluttered with exhaustion. "You and Dad don't worry about me. You guys got to take care of each other." His eyes fluttered once again. "I just want to take a little nap now, okay?"
"Okay, sweetheart. We'll come back later to see you." Sherri touched his cheek softly.
"Sleep tight, little man." Luke leaned down and kissed his son's cheek. Then together, Luke and Sherri walked to the doorway where the doctor stood.
"I should have those blood-test results in the next couple of hours," the doctor said as they walked down the narrow corridor. "In the meantime, I suggest you both go back to your motor home and relax. I'll send a nurse out when we have the results."
It didn't take long for Luke to move the motor home and hook up to the available utilities. He prowled the small confines of the R.V., his tension swelling in the air. Sherri sat at the kitchen table, wishing there was something she could do to ease his worry.
"I think I'll go for a little walk," he finally said as he yanked on his jacket. "I won't be gone long."
Sherri nodded. She moved to the window and watched his lone figure take off down the road, the gray dusk painting him in somber tones. She sat down at the table, her thoughts still on Luke. He was having a hard time with this. She knew the pain he was battling, the final acceptance he had yet to gain.
He was half her heart, and Danny was the other half, and the thought of being without either one of them seared her with a pain she wondered if she would survive.
She only hoped the doctor was right, and it was just a bad cold at the moment and not a resurgence of the leukemia that plagued Danny.
By the time Luke returned from his walk, Sherri had fixed them a light supper. They ate in silence…both waiting for the knock on the door that would signal that the doctor had the blood-test results.
The knock finally came as Sherri was washing the supper dishes. Together, she and Luke followed the nurse into the small clinic and into the doctor's office.
"Good news," Dr. Michaels said in cheerful greeting. He motioned them into the chairs across from his metal desk. "I've got the test results right here and it looks like Danny is holding his own as far as the leukemia is concerned."
"Thank God," Sherri said in a rush of emotion, feeling the tension slowly seep out of her.
"I'd still like to keep him here for the remainder of the night," Dr. Michaels said. "But if he continues to recover tonight, I see no reason that he can't be released first thing in the morning."
"Can we tell him good-night?" Sherri asked.
Dr. Michaels smiled. "I wouldn't have it any other way." He led them down the hallway where Danny awaited their good-night visit.
* * *
It was almost ten o' clock when Sherri and Luke finally returned to the R.V. The moment they were back inside, Sherri could feel the tension rippling from Luke. He'd been strangely silent from the moment they'd arrived at the clinic…a silence that had not invited any breach.
But now, body taut as he leaned against the doorway staring out into the darkness of the night, there was something so achingly vulnerable in his stance that Sherri couldn't help but reach out to him.
"Luke?" She placed a hand on his upper arm, felt the muscle jump in response. "Luke, are you all right?"
He sighed, a sigh of vast unspoken sentiment. He turned and stared at the little tree on the table, the lights twinkling merrily, then looked outside the window. "I…I've known for a year that Danny was ill, but it didn't really hit me until today…until this very moment." His voice was soft…a tortured whisper. He shuddered and turned around to face her.
His eyes were blackened pits of torment, and for a moment his mouth worked soundlessly. His features twisted in a grimace of pain so deep, so profound Sherri's heart tore in two. "Oh, God, Sherri. How many more Christmases do we have with him? How many more days do we get?" A convulsive shudder ripped through him once again. "We're going to lose him, aren't we, Sherri? We're going to lose our son." As he said the words, he reached for her and tears spilled down his face.
Sherri's vision shimmered with tears of her own as she wrapped her arms around Luke and held him close to her. Deep, wrenching sobs rent his body, as if they'd been trapped inside him for decades.
In all the years she had known him, she'd never seen him cry. He'd always been her strength, her rock. She knew this time it was her turn to be strong for him. She wrapped her arms around him, digging deep within for the strength she needed.
She led him to the lower bunk and together they sank onto it, still wrapped in each other's arms. Sherri held him tightly, fighting against the tears that burned at her own eyes.
Luke clung to her, his weeping that of a man who'd lost all hope, that of a man who'd suddenly realized he was going to lose his only son and there was nothing he could do about it.
Sherri wished there were words of comfort she could give, but she knew that no words could ease his heartbreak. He needed this cry…the time to talk would come later, when his tears were finally dried and he needed words to fill up the emptiness that was left inside.
His sobs weren't silent, rather they tore from the back of his throat…reflecting the pain that resided in his heart, in his soul. Sherri cradled him like a child, stroking his forehead, patting his back.
He cried for a very long time, holding her as if afraid to let her go. She murmured to him, words she knew he couldn't hear, except perhaps with his heart. She cried with him, for him, for all of them.
Finally, his tears subsided and with an exhausted sigh he fell back on the mattress, his face turned toward the wall. Sherri stretched out beside him, placing her body warmth next to his. She reached out and lightly stroked a strand of his dark hair. She loved the feel of it…like thick silk strands. "Luke?" He didn't answer. "Luke, are you all right?" she asked softly.
He nodded, but kept his face averted from her. "I'm embarrassed, but okay."
"You shouldn't be embarrassed. There's no shame in crying for your son. There should only be shame if you couldn't cry for him."
He swallowed a sob and turned to face her. He sighed, like a forlorn wind filled with winter's chill. "I just wish—" He stopped a moment, then began again, "I just wish I could get back all the years…all the things I missed with him, all those precious moments o
f time." He squeezed his eyes tightly closed and when he opened them again, she recognized the emotion that darkened them…guilt. Ah, she knew it well. She had waged many battles with guilt in the past year. She knew well the destructive, defeating pattern of guilt.
"Luke, don't do this to yourself," she said firmly.
"Don't do what?"
"Feel guilty. I went through the same sort of feelings, wondering if I'd fed him differently when he was a baby, would he have been stricken? If I hadn't let him play out in the sunshine, would he have been safe?" Again her hand reached out to stroke his hair. "Danny would have gotten ill whether you traveled or not. And even if you'd have spent every moment of every day with him, the hurt wouldn't be decreased. Besides, Danny would hate us thinking that way."
He sighed. "Logically I know you're right. I just wish…I just wish things could be different."
"Luke, he's not gone yet. We still have him here with us. Who knows, maybe we're the lucky ones." She thought of Karen Wilson, who'd lost her son in a war, who'd had no time to prepare, to be ready. "We know to make each moment count. We know that every second is precious. That's a lot more than other people get."
"But why Danny? Why our son?" The question wrenched itself from him.
Oh, how many times had Sherri asked herself that very same question? "You know there's no answer to that, Luke." She stroked the side of his face. "We can't know why these things happen. And being angry and feeling guilty are self-destructive. In the end, all we can do is come to some sort of acceptance. And make every moment we have count."
He caught her hand in his and brought it to his mouth. Gently, sweetly he kissed each of her fingertips, creating a liquid warmth inside her. "Thank you, Sherri," he breathed softly. He pulled her against him, resting his face in the softness of her hair. "And we will, won't we? We will make every moment count. We will fill each day with enough love to last a lifetime."
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