by Karin Aharon
To my mother, Cathy, who gave me life, twice.
To Gabi, who changed both our lives.
I love and miss you.
Producer & International Distributor
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A Part of Me
Karin Aharon
Copyright © 2019 Karin Aharon
All rights reserved; No parts of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information retrieval system, without the permission, in writing, of the author.
Translation from the Hebrew: Grace Michaeli
Contact: [email protected]
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Chapter 79
About the Author
Message from the Author
“My mom had cancer, but she passed away from what you have.” That was the last thing the technician said to me before leaving the room. The examination started and the device began spinning quickly. I was surprised that only five minutes after getting my lab results, they had already taken me to get a CT scan. Now I know why. I was in real danger.
I took deep, long breaths and tried to relax. I felt heat spread from my belly towards my feet and realized it was probably the ink they injected. At least I hoped that’s what it was. I looked up at the exam room’s boring ceiling. I was disappointed they didn’t have a TV with some soothing, pastoral view. I needed something to soothe me. The room was painted in a bright color, that might have been white, and was empty except for a medical cart. The examination ended somewhat quickly and the technician came in and helped me get dressed. I was so cold that I was willing to endure the pain of getting dressed just so I could keep warm.
The technician held the door open and before I left, she asked me: “if you knew this was going to happen, would you have done it all over again?”
“Of course,” I smiled as I walked into the emergency room. When Michael saw me approaching, he gave up his seat for me. I was surprised that even at 3 A.M. this terrible place was so busy and noisy that we could hardly find any free seats.
I could see the doctor approaching with my medical file. But I knew, regardless of what he might say, I had already saved myself.
Chapter 1
All I wanted was to see my mother. I cared about nothing else. Not home. Not work. Nothing. Only for my mom to land and come over. I paced around my office impatiently. I felt like a little girl waiting to be picked up by her mom from an awful daycare.
She and Tommy arrived in the evening. I was nervous Adam might not remember her, but the minute she walked in he was happy to see her. She gave him a small, plushy koala and one of his favorite red Teletubbies. He jumped excitedly from one sofa to another and even hugged her voluntarily. After fifteen minutes, mom left for grandpa’s home and Tommy stayed behind. It was understandable, seeing she had been on a two-day journey from Sydney. They came for a two-week visit and decided to split up – my little brother stayed at my place, and my parents at grandpa’s. Jonathan, my second brother, who was in the army when my parents left for Australia, stayed at my place for a couple of months. He moved out of his room for Tom’s sake and moved into our uncle Jonny’s apartment, which had become the perfect bachelor pad. After having lived with him for a while, I couldn’t even imagine what was going on there.
I was happy to have Tommy over because I had barely seen him this year. We saw each other a couple of months ago when we visited them in Sydney with Adam. Flying to Australia with a 16-month old baby was challenging as well as getting a month’s leave off work. But the holidays made things easier, and I would have flown to the moon if it meant spending time with my mom. It was hard living so far away.
The time differences made it difficult for us to talk over the phone. Every day without speaking to her was hard for me. When she lived here, we would talk several times a day. Michael didn’t understand what we could possibly have so much to talk about. He could talk to his parents once a week at Friday night dinners and that was more than enough for him. I never understood it.
***
The next day I left for work as usual, but couldn’t wait for the evening to see my mom and spend some time with her. Right after she booked her flight ticket to Israel, she gave me a list of healthcare professionals she wanted to make appointments with - dental hygienist, dentist, and cosmetician. That day, she took Tommy with her while running her errands.
Her friend, Julie, scheduled an appointment for her with a gynecologist. I was annoyed the appointment was scheduled for the afternoon because that was the only time I could see her. But I hoped she would finish quickly and come back early enough for us to have dinner together. Mom finished her appointment at the dental hygienist and called me from the road, “how are you honey?” I could tell from her voice that she wasn’t alone. “How are you feeling?” Ever since I told her I was pregnant, she started every conversation by asking about my medical condition.
“As usual. Who’s with you? Tom?” before I shared anything, I had to find out who was listening.
“Yes. After my doctor’s appointment, I’ll drop him off at your place.”
“Good. I want to spend some time with you. I didn’t see you at all yesterday.”
“Of course, sweetie, of course. I’ll call you when I’m done.”
It was too cold to take Adam
to the park, so I had to play the Teletubbies CD for the umpteenth time. I hoped it would buy me some quiet time since the pregnancy made me more tired than usual.
“Mm… mm… mm…” Adam shouted and ran towards me.
I sat him in his highchair and he insisted on eating on his own. While I waited for him to finish smearing soup on his hair, I skimmed through the new case I had gotten today. As a young lawyer I didn’t have much say so about the cases I got, but I had specifically asked for this one. When I heard we were representing ALUT (the Israeli Society for Children and Adults with Autism) I approached the senior partner, Nathan, and asked to take it. I was glad we had a case that had more to it than just the pursuit of money. I think Nathan was so surprised I took the initiative and asked to take the case that he simply gave me the statement of claim without saying a word.
The phone rang and it was mom.
“Hey mom, are you here?” I was happy thinking someone might give me a hand with Adam’s shower. Michael was usually in the office at this time, so any help was more than welcome.
“No.” I could hear from her short answer that something was wrong.
“What happened?” Adam squirmed in his chair and tried climbing out. The papers I brought home from the office were stained with soup.
“The doctor sent me for an urgent test at a special clinic. She saw something weird with the shape of my ovary and said that I have liquid in the abdomen. Tommy is coming with me. We’ll talk later.” I took Adam out of the chair and he began running around the small kitchen table.
“Ok, keep me posted. We’ll talk later.” I didn’t know what to do with that information. I stood there for a few seconds with the phone in my hand, and my thoughts wandered off to bad places. What could it be? Why was it so urgent to send her for a test at 7 P.M.? It has to be something terrible. But maybe it’s just because she’s going back to Sydney soon and they need to quickly figure things out? Maybe that was why the doctor was so anxious.
Adam started climbing the table and put a stop to my hysterical thoughts. After the usual struggle, he got into the bathtub. I looked at him playing with his colorful rubber duckies. He threw them back and out again, and laughed every time the water splashed at him, and me, of course. But I couldn’t bring myself to smile. Michael always tells me that I immediately think negative thoughts, of the worst kind. But I don’t think that’s true. Something was really wrong, and this time it wasn’t just me exaggerating, otherwise, why would the doctor send her urgently. I didn’t know the reason, but I had a strong urge to justify my anxiety.
I checked the phone again. When I saw there wasn’t any news, I sent her a text. “Any news?” She replied “still waiting.”
By the end of Adam’s bath, I was soaking wet. But surprisingly, he cooperated and was ready for bed within minutes, wearing his cute pajamas, the one with the small cartoon cars. We were sitting in the living room, and he was about to finish his evening bottle when the phone rang again.
“What’s up, mom?” I tried sounding relaxed but couldn’t help myself.
“They said the same thing,” she was almost whispering.
“Ok, so now you should call Dr. Gidron and find out what’s the next step. But call him now, mom.”
“I’ll be at your place in fifteen minutes, but I’m dropping Tommy off and going back to grandpa’s. I’m too tired to come up.”
“Ok.” That hysterical doctor cost me a day with my mom. There are only ten days left before she goes back to Sydney.
***
Dr. Gidron was our family gynecologist. I trusted him, though I didn’t have much of a choice in the small town I grew up in. We were one of the first 120 families who moved to Maccabim, which was then considered at the edge of the world. One day, after living in a tall apartment building in a bustling city, I found myself in the middle of nowhere. The only thing I could see from my window was the neighbors sitting in their living room by candlelight because there was no electricity. Later, they built a grocery store, a medical center and a swimming pool. That was basically it, that’s all we had in the beginning. Dr. Gidron was the only gynecologist in Maccabim, and we kept going to him after we moved by force of habit.
I was pacing back and forth in the living room as Adam was lying on the sofa with his milk bottle, looking like a drunkard. I felt the blood coursing through my body, and then took two slow breaths. Even though I was hoping that it would all turn out to be a mistake, I could tell something was wrong. Something was really wrong. I decided to do some research once Adam went to bed.
When Tommy came, I was busy putting Adam to sleep (good night, teddy, good night, dolly). I meant to question him about what exactly they told mom, but when I stepped into the guest room, I saw that he had fallen asleep. I looked at him sleeping, and for a moment, he looked like the sweet boy from way back when. Tommy was a rather easygoing baby, unlike Adam. He was a bit bossy, so we would call him Napoleon. But other than that, he was really good. It was nice that some of that childlike sweetness was still there even when he started looking (and smelling) like a teenager.
“Tom, what happened with mom?” I moved him gently.
“I don’t know.” He turned to other side.
“Did you hear what the doctor told her?” I sat next to him but he kept his back to me.
“No.”
“Did you hear anything?”
“No. We left the doctor’s and mom didn’t say anything. She just started crying in the middle of the street and then she called dad. That’s it.”
“Ok, go to sleep. Good night.” I left the room and turned off the light.
I turned to my research. I went into the bedroom and turned my computer on. I typed into Dr. Google everything mom had told me, and then I saw it. Ovarian cancer. All the symptoms mom told me about were there – abdominal liquid and swelling, ovary mutation. When we visited her in Sydney, she told me that she gained weight and felt bloated. We blamed it on the fatty Australian food and didn’t think even for a second about anything else.
I laid in the dark and tried organizing my thoughts. It couldn’t be cancer. No one in our close circle had cancer. It doesn’t make sense. It happens in other families, but not ours. Tomorrow things will clear up. All my mother’s friends, who passed away from cancer, came to mind. Bold, bloated and sad. I remembered their children and my mother’s stories of their suffering and the pain in my mother’s eyes as she spoke about them. But now it was she who was on the line and it was inconceivable. Something so terrible can’t happen to my mother. It’s just unfair. It has to be something else. It seemed that because of the pregnancy’s exhaustion, I was tired enough to fall asleep, despite the frightening thoughts running through my mind.
Chapter 2
I woke up early as usual and left while everyone was still asleep, Michael too. I didn’t even hear him coming back home. On my way to the office, I tried thinking when would be a good time to call mom, and what would I even say. I didn’t want to wake her up, but I had a feeling she wasn’t sleeping.
I had my first meeting at 9A.M. with Nathan and Samuel. Samuel was one of those annoying clients who thought they deserved everything just because they were rich. That must also be the reason he allowed himself to grow such an impressive potbelly. We were always expected to be available when he walked into the office unannounced, and listen to his endless stories about his new yacht. All the partners fawned over him, waited for him to bring in more cases so that they could bill him hundreds of dollars per hour, VAT not included, of course.
I looked at Nathan’s face so that I didn’t fall asleep in front of them. It was amusing to see how he pretended to be fascinated by everything Samuel said. Nathan was more or less my age, but looked much older than me. His bald head didn’t help either. He’s a brilliant lawyer but was an avid workaholic, who was also convinced that everyone should work like he did. Children were important to him, as long
as someone else raised them. That someone, preferably, shouldn’t work in his office. Whenever I wanted to let Ida, Adam’s nanny, leave early while there was still some daylight, he would blurt his cliché sentence, “taking the day off?”
I would usually smile and keep walking, but when I could, I would take a detour when leaving the office so that I wouldn’t walk by his room, sparing myself from his regular jokes. When he found out I was pregnant again, he moved me to a smaller office so he could give the bigger one to a different lawyer. He didn’t like the concept of pregnancies, let alone a second one.
When I started working here, I didn’t think I would last long. Two months later and already I wanted to quit. The vibe wasn’t good for me. Obviously, I woke up every morning as usual, but couldn’t wait to get pregnant again, so that I could have a maternity leave to look forward to.
The phone vibrated in my hand. Mom. I excused myself and left the room. Nathan was so concentrated in Samuel’s fascinating stories about his travel itinerary, that he didn’t even respond when I left.
“Hey Mom, what did Dr. Gidron say?” I stood as far as I could from Nathan’s room but kept eye contact in case I was needed.
“He brought an expert and they both examined me. I’ll be hospitalized tomorrow at Tel Hashomer hospital.”
“But why? What did they see?”
“They don’t know exactly. Something is wrong and they need more tests to make a diagnosis.” It seemed she was crying and I was really holding myself not to cry with her.
“We have our first prenatal screening tomorrow in Haifa, and then we’ll come to the hospital.” I took advantage of my day off to be with her, even if it was at the hospital.
“Thanks sweetie, we’ll talk.”
Our meeting with Samuel ended without any new insights. He got the attention he wanted and gave us a small case to take care of; someone who didn’t pay the rent. He would probably pay us more in retainer than what we’ll get for him, if at all.
I went back to my small office and called to see if Tommy woke up. He didn’t answer. I decided it was time to talk with Jonathan and see if he knew what was going on, but he didn’t answer either.