by M. A. Innes
Because of Ethan.
He was a great dad, but it was time to let that part go a bit and have some fun just for himself.
“I get that.” As the light changed, I reached over and poked his side. “But it’s different when it’s information about a friend, not just random knowledge.”
He smiled and I saw his nod out of the corner of my eye.
“But it’s not my business what my friends are doing in bed.”
God, he sounded so straitlaced and vanilla when he said that. If I didn’t know about all the crazy people he’d employed over the years—and I was counting myself in that mix—I’d have thought he was narrowminded and boring.
But I knew better.
I grinned. “But it is your business what your date wants to do in bed.”
He still hadn’t quite figured out how to respond to that one as I pulled up in front of the house, so I gave him another second as I put the truck in park and turned in the seat. When he was still silent and watching me like he was trying to decide how to classify me scientifically, I decided to step in.
“Sean.” I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I knew that wouldn’t be right. Not yet, anyway.
Maybe never, if I was being honest.
But sometimes honesty sucked big hairy donkey balls.
“I’ve heard a lot of dancing around no, like ‘stop it’ or rolling your eyes as you draw out my name.” He was cute when he did that.
It was almost better than watching him squirm.
“But what I haven’t heard is ‘don’t flirt with me; I don’t see you like that’ or ‘I’m sorry, I’m not interested.’” I paused, giving him a second to parrot the words if that’s what he needed to do, but when he stayed quiet, I continued.
“I’m just going to lay it out here. I like you.” Not giving myself a chance to change my mind, I kept going. “I like flirting with you and talking with you and I think you’re incredibly sexy. I’m pretty sure most of this isn’t really a surprise if you think about it, but you’ve been doing a great job of ignoring it. I want to hang out with you more and see what happens, but only if you understand my intentions.”
He blinked slowly and I could see everything whirling behind his eyes. But even though I could read him fairly well, I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Had I scared the fuck out of him or was he disturbed I’d read things that badly?
“I don’t see how you could want to date me.”
Okay, that wasn’t what I’d been expecting.
At some point, his first argument had to be he was straight, right?
Taking his statement at face value, I answered him seriously. “I’ve always been drawn to older men. I didn’t date much in high school for that reason. I saw guys my age as friends but not romantic partners. Maybe it has something to do with the domination and submission aspects of my personality, but I’ve always associated dating with older men.”
Yeah, it was probably a bit of a kink, not just a romantic preference, but I didn’t care and I wasn’t sure Sean would understand what I meant, so I left it alone for now.
“Aside from a handful of situations I couldn’t figure out how to get out of, I haven’t dated since before Ethan was born. I don’t particularly care for it.” Again, that wasn’t what I was expecting and I didn’t really understand it.
“Did you have fun at dinner tonight?” Hitting it from another angle seemed like the best idea since I knew I was missing pieces.
“Yes.” Thankfully, he didn’t seem to have to think about that.
“Then let’s do that again.” We could call it whatever he wanted as long as we were both being honest about what we were doing. “We’ll have dinner, maybe catch a movie. There’s that art exhibition you talked about that’s coming up. We’ll do things together and see what happens.”
He had the best blank face ever when he was really trying. It made me thankful he didn’t usually feel the need to hide what he was thinking.
Sean nodded, but then stopped abruptly. “What about…physical things?”
I decided to simply be pleasantly surprised with whatever came out of his mouth.
“There’s no rush. I won’t hide my reactions to you because that seems like it would be lying, but I’m not going to push you for more than you’re comfortable with.” I wasn’t hung like a horse, but if we were cuddling or touching, there might not be a way to hide it.
“If you never want to explore that side, then we’ll go back to being friends and chalk this up to a way to become closer friends.” It would suck, but I liked the idea of getting to know him on a deeper level.
“I’m not homophobic.”
Huh? “I know that.”
I wasn’t sure where his mind had jumped to, but it didn’t take long before he started filling in the blanks. “I’ve never thought about kissing a man, though.” Then he paused. “Well, maybe when I was a kid I was curious, but that’s about it.”
“Kids are curious about all kinds of weird shit.” I’d certainly had my fair share of odd moments. “We don’t have to jump into that, though. We hang out and see what happens.”
I had to remind myself that no matter how open he’d always been, he’d been raised in a different time. What was basically normal now had been stuff that would never have been talked about back then. A lot of my customers were older men and women who were just working up the courage to try stuff that was outside the box.
“I don’t want to lead you on.” The understanding man who’d always done his best to accept everyone was showing in his eyes. “That doesn’t seem right.”
“You’re not leading me on.” He couldn’t be blamed for my fantasies. “You haven’t promised anything.”
Something flashed through his eyes.
Before I could figure out what he was thinking, he’d unbuckled and shifted on the seat. “No, we have to know before we go any further. I really shouldn’t be doing this. There are so many reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this.”
He didn’t seem to be talking to me, so I waited to see what he was talking himself in and out of. I’d seen him do something similar at work when he was talking through an issue, but I’d never thought he’d do it about personal things.
It was cute.
Shit.
I had it bad.
“I can’t let you put your life on hold if it won’t work. But rushing wouldn’t be a good thing. And I’m so much older than you.”
Which was such a fucking turn-on, he had no idea.
But it wasn’t the right moment to pull those fantasies out of the closet.
He wasn’t ready to hear how many times I’d pictured him bending me over the hood of a car in the shop. Yeah, not going to break him before I knew where we were going.
“You’re very young.” I’d have responded to that, but the subtly needy way he said it let me know his brain was doing the work for me.
“But I can’t lead you on.”
He seemed really stuck on that, but as he inched closer, I realized bringing it up would only distract him.
We’d work on his obsessions later when he didn’t look like he was ready to kiss me.
I wasn’t a good enough person to give up that possibility even if it might be the right thing to do. He kept reminding me how much of an adult he was, so I was going to let him make his own decision about kissing.
“I shouldn’t. I don’t even know what I’m feeling.” He kept saying he was going to stop, but he leaned even closer, inching across the bench seat. “But I like the way you smile when you look at me. That has to mean something.”
Some of my favorite people always talked themselves into things they probably shouldn’t.
At the very least Sean was going to join some good company.
He was so close I could almost feel his breath teasing my skin. “You make me feel things…”
I wasn’t sure how he was going to finish that sentence, but whatever he was thinking was lost as he finally touched his lips to mine. I
t was a faint kiss, a bare brush of lips, but it felt like the world stopped for that one moment.
When he finally pulled back, he was giving me that odd scientific look again. “Will you come to dinner tomorrow? I’ll cook.”
Fuck yeah.
“Are you sure?” I finally gave in and cupped his cheek softly. The rough stubble scraped over my skin, sending a shiver down my spine. “If you need time—”
He gave a rough chuckle but didn’t move away. “Oh, that’d probably be the best idea, but I’d still like to cook for you.”
I grinned, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips that was just as tender as his had been. “I’ll be your bad decision as long as you’re honest with me about what you’re feeling. If you need space, you have to let me know.”
Sean cocked his head and leaned in to touch our lips again, that time hinting at taking it deeper. “I’m pretty sure you’re a mind reader.”
I chuckled as he pulled away. “Only about sex and kissing; everything else we’re going to talk about.”
His eyes widened and he swallowed. “One step at a time.”
Letting out a bark of laughter, I nodded. “Deal. No sex on the second date.”
Tracing my fingers along his jaw, I slowly pulled back. Restraint was not something that came naturally, so it took effort to give him space. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t tease a bit, however. “But what about more kisses?”
His smile was filled with confusion and curiosity. “I think that could be on the menu.”
I wasn’t sure what we were doing, but I decided I really didn’t care. If this was just a flash of experimentation for him, I’d never regret it. I’d rather take the chance of getting burned than living the rest of my life with the what if hanging over my head.
I didn’t fear what if…I feared what might have been.
Chapter 6
Sean
People were supposed to do crazy things drunk, not sober.
I always managed to do everything backward.
Staring up at the ceiling, I debated getting out of bed or just sleeping until Monday. Derek would understand. I had a feeling he was mentally planning how to respond to my escape phone call before he’d even pulled away last night, but that just didn’t sit right.
Neither did anything else, though.
I couldn’t decide if I needed more practice saying no, but Ethan would probably say I said no too often.
Ethan.
I’d gone on a date with one of his friends from school.
Shit.
That made me…fuck if I knew. Derek was well over eighteen, so I couldn’t be a pervert, but it still didn’t seem like something a man my age should be doing.
When my phone started buzzing on the nightstand, I had a brief moment to hope it was an emergency at the office. Nope. Ethan.
“Hey, you’re up early. Everything okay?” Since he’d started seeing Christopher, his mornings were taken up with more interesting things than hanging out with his father.
Not that I blamed him.
He chuckled, which, knowing him, had me wincing. “I’m fine, but I got an odd message that you might be having an existential crisis right about now, so I might want to call you.”
Fuck.
“You and your friends need more boundaries.” They shared entirely too much about their personal lives.
“I’m not sure what that word means and I’m pretty sure part of that is your fault for being such a good father.” The little ass sounded entirely too full of himself. “What’d you do?”
“Nothing.”
Except kiss one of his friends.
Shit.
“‘Nothing’ does not get Derek texting me first thing on Sunday morning. Spill it before I have to come find you.” I heard Christopher giggle in the background and did my best to ignore it. “I should not have to function this early.”
I was pretty sure he’d already been functioning, but I refused to point that out.
“He needed a companion for dinner, so I filled the role. Everything is fine.” There were just some things you shouldn’t talk to your child about.
He snorted.
When had he gotten this frustrating?
“Try again or I’m going to show up on your doorstep in about twenty minutes.” He tried to make it sound like a threat, but I ignored that part.
“This is your house too. The door is always open. You know that.” Christopher giggled again, which was starting to get distracting.
“I guess we’ll stop by and take you out to breakfast then.”
How had I raised such an evil child?
“I’m fine.”
He snorted. “Let me say again. Text message.”
“Fine.” I had entirely too many nosy people in my life. “I kissed Derek last night after our date and he’s coming over for dinner tonight. I’m well aware of the age difference and the inappropriate nature of—”
Ethan stepped in before I could get it all out.
“Oh no, talk about burying the lead. First of all, there’s nothing wrong with a relationship with an age difference or one that’s kinky or anything like that. You were the one who told me that.”
I had?
“I’m not sure I’d describe you as fine, but if you want to date Derek, go for it. He’s a great guy and he’s always thought you were hot.” Ethan chuckled. “He’s never hidden that.”
“I’m not ugly. That’s not the same thing as wanting to date someone.” Right?
Just because you found someone attractive didn’t mean anything. Humans came in all different shapes and sizes and some were just naturally very interesting to look at.
He sighed like he was talking to a customer who couldn’t tell the engine from the trunk.
“I’m not going to point out how ridiculous you sound. But what I will say is good for you and have fun, and I’m here if you want to talk.” His voice lost some of the teasing. “I’m pretty sure you’ve never dated a guy…or anyone really in the last twenty years…so let me know if you need anything. Shit’s confusing and you need to have someone to talk to.”
“Please stop parroting my words back at me.” That was getting annoying.
He laughed. “Can’t argue if you said them first.”
Yes, I could.
“I was talking to a sixteen-year-old who was showing very curious dating tendencies. This is not the same thing.” I’d been worried about him.
“Well, I’m talking to a forty-something-year-old man who’s gone from dating no one to dating with very curious tendencies as well, so if the shoe fits.”
He couldn’t be too old to ground. Could he?
“I’m not doing anything interesting.” Kissing Derek that innocently did not count as interesting or curious.
He laughed again. “Save that for someone who doesn’t know Derek. If it’s not interesting now, it’ll get there. So yeah, let me know if you have questions and don’t let him talk you into anything you’re not ready for.”
Shit.
“Stop that. I’m not as green as you think I am.”
“You only dated that waitress because she backed you into a corner. Literally. And we both know the extent of your kink knowledge is based on shit you’ve heard around work.” He was entirely too confident about that.
I just wished I could argue with him about it.
“I have a very full life. Dating hasn’t been a high priority.” Because it was not as easy as everyone made it out to be.
Women were confusing, and once I did figure out what they wanted, it never really seemed to be compatible with what I liked. I’d seen a few women over the years, but most were focused on their careers and my having a kid hadn’t been something they were looking for.
If I had several hours to myself, trying to figure out how to flirt with a woman at a bar was not high on my to-do list…mostly because I was so bad at it. A better use of my time had always been working or doing something with Ethan.
“I’m not sayin
g it has to be a priority, but you need to have fun. Lately, the only thing you do for fun is escape the office and head to the shop.” He paused, probably expecting me to argue. “At the very least, if you get to know Derek a bit better, maybe you’ll learn something about yourself and have fun in the process.”
“But he’s your age.”
Ethan snorted. “So? He’s a few years older than me, if that helps, and he only dates older guys. I don’t remember the last time he dated someone his own age. He’s not going to be hung up on your age difference. If anything, he finds it erotic. I just want you to be happy.”
“I’ve never thought about dating a man.” A small voice at the back of my mind pointed out the fact that I hadn’t thought about dating anyone in years, so maybe that wasn’t as important as I thought it was.
And really, the world hadn’t ended when we’d kissed, so that just reinforced the lack of importance.
“Did you ever have the chance?” Ethan paused. “I mean, from the stories you’ve told, you were basically a kid when you and Mom got serious. Then you had a child to take care of and a new business to focus on. Honestly, you probably didn’t have time for anything selfish for years.”
His voice grew quieter and lost the note of teasing. “I’m grateful that you put me first and that you made the business what it is today. You accomplished a hell of a lot for a single dad. But don’t you think it’s time to focus on you?”
I wasn’t sure I knew how to do that anymore.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever known how to do that.
“But I shouldn’t use Derek to figure things out. That’s not fair to him.”
“Let Derek worry about himself. He’s not naïve. He knows what could happen, but it seems like he’s willing to take that chance. He wouldn’t have texted me if he wasn’t at least a little worried about you, so don’t assume he’s blind to your confusion or flaws.” Ethan chuckled. “I’d just thought he’d overshared something and shocked you.”
I wasn’t even going to ask what that might be.
“I don’t have flaws.” That was an easier response than bringing up my confusion or Derek’s ability to shock me.
“So nothing about what he’s into shocked you?” Ethan was fishing for information, but these conversations usually went the other direction, so it seemed odd.