by Hazel Kelly
His brow furrowed as his eyes darted back and forth.
“You gentlemen ready to order?” the waitress asked, appearing at the end of our booth with her pen poised over her pad.
Mr. Petersen nodded for me to go ahead.
“I’ll have the jalapeño burger, please.
“Would you like another Coke, too?” she asked.
I glanced at my empty glass, thinking only nerves would’ve made me glug a drink that fast. “No, I’ll stick with tap water,” I said, telling myself to settle the fuck down so I wouldn’t be squirmy and dying for a piss when I broke the news. “Thanks.”
“The Cobb salad for me, please,” Mr. Petersen said. “And a side order of fries.”
“Cobb salad?” I asked after the waitress left. “Since when did you stop dodging your greens?”
He shrugged. “Linda’s has been on my case lately.”
“I see.”
“Not that I give a shit about that.”
I raised my brows.
“My jeans being tight, on the other hand, I could live without.”
I wasn’t sure Cobb salad qualified as a diet food, but I was too distracted to get into it.
“Where are you keeping this other stuff?” he asked, tapping the left side of the page.
“In storage at the frat house.”
“No good to anybody there.”
“Nope,” I said. “Especially since I don’t let the guys anywhere near it.”
“When’s a good time to send a truck down to pick it up?”
“Don’t you want to see if you can sell the stock you already have first?”
He looked at me like I’d asked a stupid question, an expression I learned well when I was working for him. “I know what I can and can’t sell in my shop, Logan, and I want everything you’ve got in house as soon as possible.”
“Okay.”
“You’re sure about these prices?” He squinted at the page and felt around his front pocket for his specs, but there was nothing there. He felt around his head next but gave up when he realized he didn’t have them. “They seem too low.”
“I did that so you can inflate them a little and take some profit.”
He scowled at me. “That’s not what we agreed.”
“It’s fair, though. You’re doing me a big favor.”
His mouth twitched with annoyance.
“It’s only a modest markdown,” I assured him. “You’re still giving me a better deal than I can get anywhere else even if you skim a bit off the top.” I knew from working for him that he didn’t like when people ignored his instructions, but I’d rather walk away than cheat a guy with mouths to feed. “At least consider it.”
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll consider it.”
“Great. When do you want to pick up the stock?”
“I’ll send a U-Haul down at the end of next week,” he said. “You can arrange a specific time with Boggs over the phone.”
“Perfect.”
“You have his number, right?”
“Yeah.”
He reached his hand across the table, and I took it.
“Congratulations, Logan. You’re in business.”
“I can’t thank you enough, Dan.”
He waved my gratitude away like it was nothing, but for a moment, I wondered where the hell I’d be if he hadn’t brought me home for dinner that night.
He started paying more attention to me when he noticed I was staying late at the shop to study instead of going home, regardless of whether I was scheduled to close. It wasn’t long before he lent me a bike fitted with a light so I wouldn’t walk home in the dark. He even took me to the Nike outlet when he caught me trying to seal the worn soles of my shoes with a caulking gun.
The evening he invited me back to the house, I remember thinking how lucky his kids were as we gathered around their oversized table for homemade lasagna and garlic bread. In my wildest dreams, I never thought that could be my life. I was lucky if my mom heated my SpaghettiOs all the way through in the microwave.
Our food came just as I was mustering up the courage to break the big news, and I was grateful for the extra moment to gather my thoughts.
“I’m not sure how healthy this salad is,” he said, eyeing it as he freed his cutlery from the paper napkin beside his plate. “It’s covered in bacon bits.”
I smiled and grabbed a French fry off my plate as the waitress came back with his side order of fries.
He cringed at the meal in front of him. “Baby steps, I suppose.”
I lifted my burger, realizing there was never going to be a good time to say what I had to say. Still, I decided it was only right to wait until he took a few bites in case my news spoiled his appetite.
“Thanks again for meeting me halfway,” I said, watching him pour ketchup over his fries and thinking I was more of a dipper myself.
“Don’t mention it,” he said. “It’s not often I get time to myself.”
Maybe I should just pour my news on if that’s how he liked things done. “There’s actually something else I wanted to discuss with you.” Discuss, really? Surely a discussion was the last thing I wanted.
“Oh yeah?” he asked, stabbing a chunk of hard-boiled egg before searching for a crunchy piece of lettuce.
“It’s about Zoey.” Welcome to the deep end.
His eyes pinged up at me, and his concern was tangible.
“She’s fine,” I said. “It’s nothing like that.”
He swallowed his bite and straightened up, forgetting his food for a moment. “What is it?”
“I have feelings for her.”
He narrowed his dark eyes at me, but the rest of his body stayed still.
I felt like I was gonna puke jalapeño burger everywhere.
“What kind of feelings?” he asked.
Wasn’t that obvious? Was he just trying to make me spell it out? “Romantic feelings.”
He set his fork down and leaned back.
“It wasn’t something I planned, obviously.”
“Have you told her?”
“Told her?” I repeated, buying myself time.
“That you feel this way?”
I shook my head, disappointed that I felt the need to lie. But it was a lie that would protect her, and I would tell those all day. “No.”
“So why are you telling me?”
“What?”
“Why are you telling me?” he asked. “If you haven’t even told her yet?”
Fuck. What?! “Because I don’t want to disrespect you after everything you’ve done for me, and I don’t want to get her in trouble.”
“Why would she be in trouble for your little crush?”
“It’s not a little crush,” I said quickly, my voice stronger. “It’s more than that.”
He licked his teeth.
“If it was just a little crush, I wouldn’t come to you this way.”
His face was impossible to read, but I could tell he was listening to my every messy word.
“I want to be with her,” I said. “And I want your blessing, for lack of a better word.”
“I see.”
I squeezed the edge of the booth beneath me.
“And if I give it to you?”
“Then I’ll tell her how I feel, and if she feels the same, I’ll treat her like a goddamn princess for as long as she’ll let me.”
His mouth twitched again, but this time it seemed like he was suppressing amusement. “And if I have a problem with it?” he asked.
My jaw tensed.
“I can’t imagine you’ll just pack up your feelings and wait for them to go away.”
“You’re right,” I said. “I won’t be able to do that.”
“Well.”
Well, what?!!
“It’s not really a discussion, is it?” he asked. “More like a confession.”
“I guess.”
He sighed. “Unfortunately, I’m not really in a position to judge your feelings, and without knowing how she f
eels, I can’t even have an opinion about what’s best for her.”
My hands were so clammy they were stuck to the booth.
“But she’s not my property, ya know? She’s my daughter. I can’t tell her what to do any more than I can control how she feels.”
I nodded.
“All I can do is hope I’ve given her enough tools to find her own happiness and choose it when she does.”
I relaxed my shoulders, but my chest still felt like it was in a vise.
He leaned an elbow on the table and raised his hand. “So just to be clear, the scary news is that Zoey is perfectly fine except for the fact that you have feelings for her?”
What do you mean except? “I never said the news was scary.”
“No, but you looked like you were about to vomit all over the table just now.”
I fell back against the booth.
“Which would probably improve the taste of my salad,” he said, glaring at it. “Now that all the bacon bits are gone.”
I rubbed my palms down my jean-clad thighs.
He looked up at me again.
“So you don’t mind if I ask her out?”
He took a deep breath before leaning back and folding arms. “Do you have any idea how many kids have come through my house?”
I shook my head.
“Twenty-one,” he said. “Linda and I have fostered and adopted twenty-one kids since we got married.”
“Whoa.”
“So you’ll have to trust me when I tell you we’ve just about seen it all.”
“I can only imagine.”
“Billy wants to be a girl now,” he said. “Did Zoey tell you that?”
“No.”
“Well he does.” His forehead wrinkled like an accordion. “We told him nothing permanent until he’s eighteen. Sorry- she. Until she’s eighteen. Fuck, this is hard.”
I took a sip of water and set my glass down as quietly as I could.
“Kids are hard.”
“So I’ve heard.”
“It’s easier when they love each other,” he said. “A lot easier. And we’ve always tried to give our kids that.”
“Sure.”
“Not that this is what I had in mind,” he said, shooting me a look.
I swallowed.
“But you’re a good kid, Logan. I’ve always believed that.”
I didn’t want him to see me as a kid. I wanted him to see me as a man, as a peer, but I decided if ever there was a time to pick my battles, it was now.
“And Zoey is one in a million. Not that I have to tell you that.”
“No.”
“Well.”
Well what?!
“I guess if you guys care about each other, it’s the least of my problems.”
My chest relaxed for the first time in ten minutes.
“Only thoughtless people who don’t know the first thing about love think it’s noble to have an opinion about other people’s love lives.”
“You’re a good man, Dan.”
“So are you, Logan.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling before I stole a glance at my burger.
“One last thing.”
I straightened up.
“If you discover she has feelings for you, too, and your relationship takes a… romantic turn.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Don’t be an idiot.”
Is he saying what I think he’s saying?
“What I’m trying to say,” he said, clearing his throat. “Is if you get her pregnant, I’ll kill you.”
My eyes grew wide. “You don’t have to worry about that. I already learned that lesson, as you know.”
“Still has to be said.” He leaned forward and locked his eyes on mine. “Don’t get me wrong, I love you like you’re my own son.”
A lump rose in my throat.
“You know that,” he said. “But I expect my babies to graduate before they start thinking about babies.”
“Understood.”
“And that goes for you, too,” he said, pointing a finger at me.
I spent most of my life starving for that kind of honesty, that kind of encouragement, and the generosity with which he gave it was like a lifeline.
“I assume you’ve heard that phrase that you have to learn to love yourself before you can properly love others?” he asked.
“Of course.”
“Well that’s what an education is for,” he said. “That’s why it has to come first.”
F O R T Y T H R E E
- Zoey -
“How’d your exam go this morning?” I texted, just in case my dad had confiscated Logan’s phone and was holding him captive.
It seemed an unlikely scenario, but I should’ve heard from him by now. And when the recent texts we’d sent each other started running through my head, it began to feel less and less crazy.
I straightened up at my desk when my phone buzzed a few minutes later. “Ehh. Ok, I guess.”
My neck hinged forward as I waited for another message, but nothing came through. Was he deliberately trying to drive me crazy? Because I could definitely think of more fun ways he could do it.
“That’s not really what you want to know, though, is it?”
So he was just trying to torture me. “Don’t be an ass!” I typed. “Put me out of my misery already!”
Thirty seconds later, my phone rang in my hand. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he said. “What’s up?”
“Don’t what’s up me! I’ve been going crazy over here!”
“Don’t make plans for next Saturday,” he said. “I’m taking you out.”
“What? That’s a week away.”
“I know.”
“What happened with my dad?”
“Long story short, Billy wants to be a girl, so, basically, he has bigger fish to fry.”
A puff of air escaped my lips. “I knew that long before Billy did.”
Silence.
“What’s the long version of the story?” I asked. “What exactly did he say?”
“They’re going to make him wait till he’s eighteen to do anything permanent.”
“Not about Billy!” I said. “About us! What did he say about us?”
“He asked me not to get you pregnant.”
I fell back in my chair like I’d been pushed. “What?”
“Don’t worry. I told him you were on the pill.”
I gasped.
“Just kidding.”
“Not funny.”
“I said I hadn’t even told you how I felt. As promised.”
I smiled. “Did he ask if you’d shown me?”
“What? No, thank God. I doubt he’ll even mention it to you unless you bring it up.”
“Wow.” I stuck my bottom lip out. “So he was cool with it?”
“I wouldn’t say cool,” he said. “It’s not like he was fist bumping me over the news.”
I scrunched my face.
“But it sounds like he won’t interfere as long as we respect each other.”
I was as relieved as I was proud to have such a good dad.
“He seemed more stressed about Billy, to be honest.”
“Wow.”
“I know. He’s only seven.”
“No, I mean about us. I can’t believe he was so supportive.”
“I know. Hopefully he still feels the same after I knock you up next Saturday.”
“What?”
“That was a joke,” he said. “You can’t get pregnant from the stuff I’m going to do to you.”
My eyes grew wide.
“Kidding again. You totally can. But we won’t. I promise.”
I exhaled. “Why do we have to wait till Saturday? Can’t I see you before that?”
“Nope.”
I furrowed my brow. “Why not?”
“Because I want the suspense to build.”
“But the suspense is already built,” I said, thinking of the hours I’d spent wondering what
it would be like to have him inside me, to be full of him. I was more than ready to learn what the big fuss was about with the man I most… what? Loved? Did I love him already? I mean, I treasured him. I craved him. I adored and respected him. How different were those feelings from love? If I added them all up, would they not equal that feeling?
“I know,” he said. “For me, too.”
“So why not this weekend?” I asked. “Or any day next week? Why do we have to wait?” I didn’t even care if I sounded desperate at this point. After all, I was. Sure, there was a time when my virginity seemed as delicate and fascinating as the rose in Beauty and the Beast, but now it just felt like an ill-placed hurdle in the middle of an otherwise empty race track.
“It’s just bad timing,” he said. “Trust me, I wish things were different, but I have a high school student shadowing me for two days next week.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Sounds annoying.”
“Yeah, I was hungover as fuck when I signed up, but I get extra credit for my marketing class, so it wasn’t really optional.”
“I see.”
“And I have to finish a side table and bench before the end of the week because Boggs is coming to pick up my stuff for the store.”
“So he agreed to sell your pieces?”
“Yeah.”
“Congratulations!”
“Thanks. He seemed really excited about it, too. Shook my hand and everything. I felt like a legit businessman.”
“Good, because I’m going to expect the business next Saturday,” I said. “What’s the plan?”
“So glad you asked.”
I could practically hear his smile through the phone.
“I was thinking we’d make a night of it.”
My heart swelled at the realization that I might finally be able to give myself to this man I wanted so badly.
“I’ll take you to dinner first,” he said. “Wherever you want to go.”
“How about Warby’s?”
“Absolutely not.”
“You said I could choose.”
“I didn’t think you’d pick hot dogs! I thought you’d choose somewhere nice.”
“Maybe I’m in a hurry.”
“Oh no you don’t,” he said. “We’re going to take our time. With the meal, with everything.”
“You don’t need to take me somewhere fancy.”
“I do actually.”
I angled my desk lamp down and tried to imagine what it would be like to admire Logan by candlelight.