“What’s the deal with this piece of shit car?” Rubén asks as we get out of it and make our way to the restaurant to meet the girls.
“Rental. I was just visiting,” I reply.
“And now?”
“Now, I’m looking to rent somewhere.”
“Yeah, I bet you are. Heard that Bel got rid of Keith.”
“Shit! Word travels fast in that town,” I mutter, stopping to take a moment.
“Yeah.”
“Your momma?”
“Yeah. She said she’d heard it from Mrs. Wilkes, who apparently heard it from Robbie, who heard it from Mrs. Decaster, and you know she heard it from someone at church. Shit travels at light speed. Can’t say Momma’s heard anything but glee from people at the turn of events.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She said it’s the best thing Anabel’s ever done to leave his ass. She can be a stronger woman now, or some shit like that. Seems everyone thinks the same.”
“I expect not his friends. Tommy, Declan.”
“There was a time they were our friends too, Danny.”
“Not for a long time, and not because I moved away, but before that. They stopped acting like brothers the minute Keith did.”
Rubén smirks. “Can’t really blame Keith, dude, he knew your feelings for Anabel ran deep. That shit was written all over you. Plus, you spent more time with her than them.”
Looking down, I rub the back of my neck. “I fucked up. A lot. I know that nothing much I can do will change any of it. Now my focus is on making things better with Bel. I have no loyalty to Keith. That stopped the second I heard he was fucking around on Bel with Ashley.”
“True, but you never got any proof and would you have shared with her even if you did?”
I tip my head up to stare at the sky and sigh. “I don’t know. I wanted to tell her anyway. Shit, I was a coward. She called it. Told me straight up the other day at the beach. Said I was a coward and she’s right. I turned tail, ran, and left her behind.”
I feel his hand on my shoulder and pull my head up, giving him the respect he deserves by looking into his eyes. “You were a kid, D. You didn’t know what the fuck you were doing from one day to the next. I remember how broken you were when you left town. You thought you were saving her, and in the process you destroyed yourself. The guy you were back then… shit, you left him in that damn town. I haven’t seen him, no one has, I bet even you haven’t seen him in over a decade. Five minutes with you today, I see he’s back, and you’re all in. She’s always been your perfect fit. The only problem you had, far as I could see, is that you both tried to fit at different times when you should be trying to fit together. In sync. Momma said that for all these years, Anabel Adams has walked around like her world is hollow. You breeze into town and it’s like she’s in full color again, and filled with hope. Just take it easy and let the two of you breathe. Give it a chance to grow and have some fun. Remember what we all used to be like. Then, you want her to be yours, she will be.”
I nod at him. “Never knew you were some kind of Dr. Phil.”
“I have that shit in me, save it for the ladies. They love them a romantic guy, and I work that shit well.” I chuckle and he turns to look at the restaurant. “Come on, much more talking like this out here and I might grow a vagina.” He spins and heads to the restaurant, with me following behind, still not sure what the fuck I’m doing. But for once, I’m going with my gut.
My breath catches as he walks into the restaurant.
“Yeah, totally need to get you some from that man,” Amanda says, pulling me back to the present. Rubén precedes Danny and that’s when I jump out of my seat and run to him forgetting where we are. He sees me and braces before I jump into his arms, flinging my hands around his neck.
“Anabel.” He chuckles. I feel Amanda attach herself to his other side. “You two don’t change, always crazy,” Rubén tells us squeezing tight.
As I step back, he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Bel…” then he looks at Amanda, “Mands… missed you both. Can’t believe it’s been so many years. Should never have let it become this.” His words sink in and I look over to Amanda taking note that she’s looking away, a sheen over her eyes. I have to talk to her, find out what’s really going on. I’m not stupid. There’s no Pierre and she’s not going back to Paris. Something’s up and I have to get to the bottom of it.
“Come on, we’re in the way. Let’s go eat,” Danny says propelling us forward. His hand has found its way onto my lower back, and although his touch is light my skin feels like it’s burning like he’s branding me. As if I need that. I’ve always belonged to him. Well, in my heart, where it really counts. Rubén offers Amanda a chair and seats himself next to her, meaning I have to sit facing her with Danny next to me. He sits down after offering me my chair and settles, making himself comfortable. His thigh rests against mine and I know I’m bound for the depths of hell, when all I want to do is get closer to him, share his world and drown myself in him.
“So Rubén, what have you been doing with yourself all these years?” Amanda asks and distracts me from Danny’s solid thigh for a moment, allowing me a reprieve from my own thoughts.
“Nuh uh. You first, baby girl. What have you been doing? Danny told me that Anabel said you’d been in Paris? What gives?” I can feel Amanda’s foot tapping against the floor beneath our table and I frown, watching her face. She looks like she’s weighing something up, something not entirely happy. Then just like that, the fog lifts from her eyes and she smiles.
“Well, I wanted to get away from you Rubes,” she replies giggling.
“Oh, you wound me,” he groans holding his hand over his heart. Just then a waitress appears smiling at Rubén.
“Are you ready to order?” she asks timidly.
“I’ll have the beef tenderloin, with a side of you.” He winks at her and I roll my eyes. Catching the pain in Amanda’s. You okay? I mouth to her when nobody’s looking. She nods and smiles. It’s fake and it scares me.
“I’ll have the ribeye please,” Danny tells her, gaining her attention. She scribbles on her notepad and looks to Amanda.
“Mushroom risotto please,” Amanda says softly.
“I’ll have the burger, hold the cheese. Thanks,” I swiftly give her my order. I’m feeling suddenly uneasy. I was so looking forward to this catch-up tonight. I’ve been working at The Hatfield club for two weeks and have managed to save some money. I shouldn’t really be spending it, but I haven’t been out to a restaurant since before my mom died. I figured I deserved a treat.
I haven’t seen Rubén in even longer. It’s strange to think that people who were such a big part of your life could just drift away, into nothing. That thought cuts deep, knowing I allowed it to happen. Sure, Keith didn’t want me keeping contact with Rubén, feeling he was too big for his britches. He used to run him and Danny down to anyone willing to listen. Although I know with Danny, the reason he was like that was because of me. He knew, even back then, that my heart lay with someone else. Now, I’m here, I’m surviving, I’m stronger than I have been in such a long time. I know a lot of this is because of Amanda, with her constant support, encouragement and love, I’ve been able to build myself up. But while I should be in the best place ever right now—single, with the true love of my life next to me, admitting his feelings and telling me he wants me—my best friend, my soul mate, my sister, finally back from halfway across the world, after so many empty years without her, there’s something not quite right. Something’s bothering me and I need to figure it out. Amanda and I always had some kind of freaky sixth sense with each other, and this time it’s off the charts, warning me something is very wrong.
Over the next couple of hours we laugh, joke, reminisce, and the years between us all, melt into insignificance.
“So, I’m staying at Danny’s hotel for a bit. If he gets a place I might stay with him for a while, but we’ll see.” Rubén’s offhanded comment as we walk out the
restaurant throws me.
“If Danny gets a place?” I ask looking between them and over to Amanda, whose eyes, I notice, have widened considerably.
Danny takes the two steps to me so he’s fully in my personal space, and I see nothing but him. I tip my face up to him. “When I told you the other day that I wanted to be with you. That was me saying I’m all in. If you want me, I’m here for the taking, Bel. I have patience and I can wait. I’m showing you my commitment by looking to rent somewhere so you can see I’m willing to bring the fight. Now, I need to know if you’re gonna bring the fight, too?” His words hang between us, like an invisible wall, holding us both in place.
“Yes,” the answer pops from my mouth and surprises me.
Danny reaches out his hand, running his thumb along my cheek down to my chin. “All I ever needed to know, angel.” Dropping his hand he studies me for a second, his eyes move over every inch of my face. “I’ll go slow, Bel. As long as you’re all in for this… for us… I’ll take it at your pace.” Then he leans forward and kisses my forehead, before turning around and walking away. My feet are stuck, I’m glued to the spot, both scared and ecstatic at what I just agreed to. Danny looks back over his shoulder. “Come on, Bel, the others will be back at the car by now.” His words unlock my frozen state and I timidly walk forward reaching out my hand to his, as he slips his fingers through mine, and I’m suddenly sixteen again wishing the boy at school that always had a smile for me, was my boyfriend. Only now, he’s holding my hand and pulling me to him. Just like I always wanted.
“I can’t believe how handsome Rubén still is,” Amanda whispers, staring at the television, but obviously not actually watching it.
It’s been three hours since the guys surprised me by dropping us off at Amanda’s new—old house. We said goodbye, like a set of double dating school kids. Her whispering to Rubén and me to Danny, it was all pretty surreal. Making plans for two days’ time, after I have work, I found out that Danny is looking to find somewhere in town. We still haven’t discussed the situation with Pop’s store, and I want to try and find time to do just that. He also informed both Amanda and me, that he’s still legally married, and I wanted to double over with the pain that shot through my stomach. But Amanda, as always, kept me together. He went on to explain that he was in the process of a divorce, which should be finalized within a month. Rubén had added a good riddance, which wasn’t needed, but I can’t say it didn’t ease the pain slightly.
Pastor Wilson secretly brought all two bags of my belongings over to Amanda’s earlier today. I hadn’t realized that was the plan, but apparently Amanda had arranged it with him. He then continued to be helpful, by collecting her things from the hotel while we were out for dinner. So now, I’m officially living with my best friend.
“You always had a thing for him,” I reply, lounging sideways in the chair and sipping my coffee. Her house has already been furnished. She said no place can be home unless it was comfortable. So here we are, the fireplace alight, in our jammies, bad television on in the background, sipping coffee, and feeling thoroughly relaxed.
“Yeah, I did.”
I snap my head to her. “Only took you fifteen years by my counting to admit it,” I snort.
“Yeah, sometimes life puts things into perspective,” she mutters quietly.
“What?”
“What? Nothing,” she snaps back at me, obviously realizing her slip up.
“No, Amanda, enough. I know something is going on, so fill me in,” I demand. Sitting up in the chair, ridding myself of the coffee cup.
“It’s just that I see you moving on from Keith. You’re starting fresh, building something new, hopefully with Danny. It puts things into perspective.” She smiles.
“Oh, no lady. Don’t try and brush this off. I know you, remember. It may have been years since we have physically been in the same space, but I still know you. When Sarah Lacey, stuck gum in your hair, you tried to hide it frightened you’d get in trouble. Who knew something was up? Me. That’s who. And when you had a thing for Billy Spence and he liked Kellie Bow, who knew? Me. When you had your first menstrual cycle and went missing from class ‘cause you were hiding in the bathroom. Who knew? Moi! That’s who. You know I could reel off a bunch of other times, too. So let’s quit this game and just tell me, damn it! I’m worried!” My chest heaves as I calm myself, completely overwrought with worry.
“I have cancer. That’s why I came back.”
Her words slam into me, and I double over, grabbing the coffee table as I lean forward. I stare into her eyes as a throbbing starts in my head.
“What?” I screech, jumping up from the chair, knocking the coffee off the table.
Amanda whispers, “I have cancer. It’s terminal. I’m dying, Bellie.”
I can’t breathe.
I can’t move.
The fog descends.
That’s when my world truly stops.
“What?” I breathe and collapse back into my chair, the searing pain feels like it’s pushing my ribs apart. “This can’t be… you can’t be—” I choke as a sob finds its way up my throat and I grip onto the arms of the chair, afraid my body is going to give out.
“I am,” Amanda throws the words out like they mean nothing. Like she’s telling me the weather. “I have an appointment with an Oncologist tomorrow.”
Determination flows through me, bringing a warmth to my cold shell. “I’m coming,” the demand in my voice is only slightly stronger than the wobble of my emotions.
“You don’t need to do that, Bellie. It’s—”
“Stop!” I snap, raising my hand, palm up, to her. I look into her eyes as my insides clench and I push my shoulders back. “I will be with you every step. Every appointment, every sleepless night, every fucking breath I will share with you,” I say, trying to keep myself from heaving.
I watch as tears brim in her eyes. “Love you, Bellie,” she whispers and I rush over to her chair and wrap my whole body around hers. My legs feel weak as my pulse races. It’s an awkward and uncomfortable position, but that doesn’t matter. As long as I hold her, then she’s still here. I can feel her breathing, her warmth penetrates my skin, but I can see just how frail her body is now. I can’t believe I didn’t know, I waited all these years to see her again to be able to hold her, all these wasted years with Keith when I could have been stronger, braver. Maybe if I had grown up and stopped allowing myself to be dragged down by someone who didn’t love me, then I could have been there for someone who did. Realizing it’s only been moments and yet Amanda has fallen asleep, I detangle myself, watching her for a while, trying to calm my heartbeat. Now I know, I can see it. Her frame, her skin. She looks worn. I haven’t been able to get past her being here. So much for my sixth sense. I didn’t even know my best friend was dying. Hanging my head, I allow a few tears to slide down my face. This woman is amazing and I need to be strong for her. My crying will be done alone, as always.
My new phone—the one Amanda bought me, insisting I couldn’t live without a cell—beeps indicating a text and my head snaps to her, worried it’ll wake her. She’s out cold, so I swipe the wet on my cheeks and pull myself together. Grabbing a blanket, I let it glide over her and then grab my phone walking to my bedroom.
Danny: Had a great time. Glad we both know where we stand. No matter what, I’ll always be your friend. I never want to lose that again.
I’m surprised that he has my number and that I seem to have his programmed in. I can only assume, since Amanda bought me the phone, that she did it. The thought comes and goes smoothly as I find I’m unable to pull my eyes away from the text. It seems insignificant now. The to-ing and fro-ing between Danny and me seems so stupid. My feelings don’t need validating, I’m entitled to feel scared or hurt by things that have happened in the past, but Amanda’s confession is a wake-up call. Life is so short… so damn short. What’s the point in holding onto pain, when we can fill our lives with beauty? I’m done worrying about this whole situation
, and Amanda is now my main focus. I can’t think about anything else.
Going into the phone menu, I hit enter on Danny’s contact and place the phone to my ear, it hardly rings before he picks up.
“Bel,” his soft voice filled with love is like a balm on my heart, but I can’t speak, emotion overwhelming me. “Bel?” he questions, his voice now threaded with concern.
“It’s okay,” I say, in a whisper, trying to catch my breath.
“Why are you crying?” he asks softly.
“Danny,” I’m struggling to get much out, my throat constricting.
“I’m coming over, I’ll be there soon.”
“No!” I semi-scream, trying to keep my voice quiet.
“What the hell, Anabel?” It’s flat out worry in his voice now as I hear him moving about, grabbing keys, obviously getting ready to come to me. My heartbeat picks up pace, while a thousand emotions bubble to the surface.
“Amanda has cancer,” I blurt, then close my eyes. I’m not worried about telling him, or him telling Rubén. I know Amanda won’t mind that. It’s more the way I blurted it, I just can’t think straight.
“What?” he whispers, everything quiet in the background now.
“She told me tonight.” I admit, the tears flowing freely now.
“What kind of cancer? What treatment is she having? Does she need help? I have money Bel, and it’s hers for treatment if she needs it.” The offer makes my heart squeeze a little at the knowledge I’m about to impart.
“I don’t know what type it is. Or the money situation, Danny. But I do know one thing… brace yourself… it’s terminal,” I say the words and a chill runs down my spine.
“No,” he states like he thinks he can change things with that one word.
“Danny,” I whisper again, not really knowing what to say.
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