by Peter Martin
‘What will I do without her?’
‘Carry on for her sake. She’ll leave a huge gap, no doubt about that. We have to make sure she’s never forgotten’
‘She may not have been as clever as you, but as a human being she was certainly your equal. There was something unique about her; a special quality few people possess, and I don’t think we’ll ever see the like of it again.’
Donna was troubled. ‘I can only dream of getting anywhere near what she did despite her illness. Being clever and going to University is nothing compared to that.’
Evan tried to smile, but it couldn’t disguise his true feelings, and she wondered if he had the strength to get over this. Now she dreaded what this might do to him.
‘We’ll all miss her so much –’
‘Me as much as anyone. She was the one person I could talk to, like the sister I never had.’ They hugged each another again. ‘We have to help each other to get through this Evan - it’s the only way.’
‘Yes, I agree. I’m so glad you’re here. Or I’d go to pieces again like I did when I had to give up playing football.’
She smiled, hoping this wouldn’t be the case.
<><><>
Late evening the next day, Evan and his mother sat subdued on the sofa. Donna on the armchair, kept glancing across, worrying over what effect Theresa’s death was having on them. A knock at the door made them all jump. But neither of them were quick to get to their feet, so Donna took it upon herself to answer it. She switched on the light in the hall and through the frosted glass saw a dark figure standing there, but couldn’t work out who it might be. She opened the door to see a young man staring at her. Tall and broad with large shoulders and body. His crew cut black hair and shadow of a beard gave him the appearance of a hard man. His freshly pressed khaki uniform looked smart, complete with a black beret tucked in a shoulder strap, and he carried a large kit bag on his back. This must be Cole, Evan’s big brother.
‘Who are you?’ He looked puzzled to see her answering the door, his ice blue eyes lacking the warmth of his brother’s, inspecting her like a soldier on parade. His eyes twitched as if he recognised her from somewhere, although he never said a word.
‘I’m Donna,’ she told him simply.
‘Nice to meet you, Donna. And what are you doing here?’
‘I lodge here.’
‘Really, that’s a pleasant surprise. Well I’m Cole, Evan’s brother. So how about letting me in, darling?’ he said grinning, revealing a gap between his two front teeth.
‘Oh yes, sorry. I was miles away.’ As she stood to one side, allowing him to come past, for some reason she shivered.
He put his bag down in the hall, and groaned before stretching. ‘That bag’s a bit heavy. And I’m totally whacked. I’ve had a long journey – but I’m here now. Best go and see mum and Evan, I suppose. I presume they’re in the front, are they? Terrible thing about Theresa, isn’t it? It’s hard to imagine never seeing her again.’
Donna opened the door to the living room, where Evan and his mother were sitting. The sight of Cole got them both to their feet, and across to him. There were lots of tears as they all hugged one another.
Feeling a little out of it, Donna looked on, but as she wasn’t family, she couldn’t expect anything else, and just listened intently. Evan told his brother about the dreadful events of the previous day. The whole heart breaking story brought it back home to them again. When they sat down the atmosphere became tense. Cole looked stony faced, mulling over all that he’d been told, he loved his sister a great deal too.
‘She didn’t have much of a life,’ Cole said finally, frowning to show a deep crease in his forehead. ‘We all knew she was living on borrowed time, but this still comes as an awful shock.’
‘You should have seen her on stage, Cole,’ Evan said, remembering back. ‘What a revelation. It’s ironic really; she was in her element out there, like she was born to it.’
‘I honestly think that too. Wish I’d been there to see it, but you know how it is when you’re in the army. Mind you there was no bother about me getting the time off for the funeral, but I only have five days and then it’s back to the war zone. Rather harrowing over there, I can tell you, and that’s putting it mildly.’
‘I bet it is, ’Evan said.
‘So have all the arrangements been made?’
‘Your brother is sorting it all out,’ their mother said. ‘She’ll be buried in the same plot as your father.’
‘Nice touch,’ Cole smiled. ‘So when is it, mum?’
‘Thursday.’
‘The day before I have to go back. Perfect. So how well did you know our beloved sister, Donna?’ Cole asked, as if he wanted to bring her into the conversation.
‘We’d only recently got to know each other, but in that time we became really good friends.’
‘She was very unique, but sadly I only saw the beginnings of her talent.’ Cole sounded as if he regretted missing out on her moment of fame.
‘You missed something special, although I did record it all on a video I was going to send you,’ Evan told him.
‘I’m not sure I can face watching it yet, if ever, and besides it’s not the same as seeing her live. Not being here for her is one of the biggest regrets of my life. But I couldn’t do anything about it.’ He yawned suddenly. ‘To tell you the truth, I’m really knackered. I could fall asleep right now. Such a long journey, and then I couldn’t get to sleep on the plane. I think I’ll turn in shortly– we’ll talk more in the morning – all right?’
‘Oh Cole, I’m sorry but Donna has your room. You don’t mind sleeping in Theresa’s old room for now, do you?’
‘I don’t know about that, I don’t feel I can mum – it’s just too upsetting. I’ll kip down on the sofa, if that’s all right with you.’
Donna felt guilty over this, she bit her lip and realized she had to say something before he left. ‘Cole, I don’t mind going into Theresa’s room tonight, if you want your room back.’
Cole laughed, revealing the gap between his two front teeth again. ‘Don’t you worry about it, darling. I’ll only be here for a few days anyway. It’s not worth the hassle. You’re more than welcome to it.’
From the little she’d seen of him, Donna thought Cole seemed a larger than life character, who tried hard to be amusing. He was bigger than Evan, and more mature looking. She guessed he must be brave, having been in the ‘thick’ of the action. He’d certainly know how to look after himself and other people if need be.
The next day the two brothers went to the hospital and arranged for Theresa’s body to be taken to the Chapel of Rest at the funeral directors.
When they returned, it was to a quiet and subdued household. Their mother and Donna had been looking through Theresa’s belongings, which they’d both found very distressing.
Evan confirmed the arrangements for the funeral had been finalised and told them the flowers had been ordered.
‘Did you have any problems or are there any questions you need to ask me?’ she enquired.
‘No mum, we’re both sure everything will be fine. We even got them to agree to play a piece of Theresa’s music when the coffin leaves the church. Oh and by the way Donna, I almost forgot, I thought you might like this back.’ Evan pulled out the gold St Christopher from his pocket and placed it in the palm of Donna’s hand.
She opened her mouth in shock. ‘Oh my God, no. I didn’t want you to return this. I gave it to Theresa as a keepsake, and I wanted it to remain around her neck.’ And at that she burst into tears, left the room and came back dressed to go out, still sobbing.
‘Hey, hang on a minute, let me come with you.’ Evan offered, getting up from his seat. In the hall he grabbed hold of her arm. ‘Please Donna, calm down.’
‘I can’t believe you did that, you had no right.’ She couldn’t look at him amid her tears.
‘I’m really sorry, I had no idea – I thought you’d want it. Come on, we’ll get this sorte
d - all right?’
Finally she nodded, but didn’t feel better until she actually saw the St Christopher placed around Theresa’s neck, despite how upsetting that was.
Chapter 21
THE WHOLE DAY HAD BEEN FULL OF TENSION AND SADNESS. THERE WAS A SENSE OF RELIEF WHEN THE FUNERAL WAS OVER AND THE LAST OF THE GUESTS HAD GONE.
‘I thought it went off really well,’ Cole said, trying to break the subdued atmosphere.
‘Yes, I reckon we did Theresa proud – when they played her music at the end, it broke me up,’ Evan said.
‘Me too. I just wish she was here with us now,’ their mother said dabbing her eyes with a tissue.
‘That goes without saying, mum,’ Cole agreed. ‘But that’s life for you, isn’t it? Always liable to kick you in the teeth when you least expect. None of us will forget her, and she’ll be forever in our thoughts. What I’ll remember most is her happy smiling face, despite the cancer. She must have been in agony at times, both from the pain and the knowledge that her beautiful face had been disfigured, but you never heard her moan. I reckon she’s the bravest person I ever met. And I should know – I’ve seen a few acts of bravery in my time, especially since I’ve been in Afghanistan. But I’ve never seen anything to compare with her.’
Evan’s face was a mask of pain. ‘She was incredible,’ he said sniffing back the tears. ‘To get up in front of all those people and perform as she did was nothing short of incredible. But why did she have to die like that the first time she went on stage? It’s too much to take.’
‘Come on now Evan, don’t let it get to you like this.’ Cole squeezed his shoulder.
‘That’s all right for you to say, you weren’t here nor were you living with her.’
‘Ok mate, point taken. But she was my sister as well – it’s not my fault I wasn’t here,’ he said protesting his innocence.
‘How could this happen? What had she ever done to anyone? Throughout her whole life, she never hurt a soul.’
‘Evan, there’s no use being bitter,’ his mother said. ‘That won’t bring her back to us – will it? We couldn’t have done any more for her, you know that as well as I do. Why did any of the bad things have to happen? Who can say? Don’t you think I’ve asked myself that a thousand times? It won’t change anything. We have to live with it, and console ourselves with the many happy memories we have of her and your dad as well. That’s how I’m dealing with this – even though it is so very hard.’
‘You don’t mind if I go to bed, do you mum?’ Evan said getting up.
‘Evan - ’ Cole tried to restrain him.
‘Let him go Cole. He has to cope with his grief in his own way the same as everyone else,’ their mum said.
Donna felt bewildered by this. She’d never seen Evan in such a state before, not even on the day Theresa died on stage.
Although this was a sad occasion, she was struck by the warmth and affection and love this family had for one another. She envied them in lots of ways. They were nothing like her own folks.
‘Today has been a long hard day, one of the worst of my life. I never dreamed I’d have to bury my own daughter. It doesn’t seem fair, but then life can be very cruel.’
Cole hugged her tightly, looking so sorry for her.
‘Anyway, I might as well get off to bed myself.’ And as she walked towards the living room door she turned towards Donna and said, ‘I do so wish this hadn’t happened while you’re here. This must be so upsetting for you, just when you were starting to get better.’
‘Yes, it has been upsetting, but don’t worry – I know it’ll take some doing but we all can get over this.’
‘You’re a good girl, Donna - no wonder Theresa thought the world of you. She always was a great judge of character.’
‘Thank you.’ She leaned over to kiss Mrs Lacey on the cheek.
She was uncomfortable about being left alone with Cole, as always these days, when in unfamiliar male company. And when he said, ‘When I first saw you with Evan, I thought you two were an item, but now I’m not so sure.’ She sensed he was probing.
‘We’re not a couple, but we are friends and we have been out together a few times. And that’s as far as it goes.’
‘He’s crazy about you; you realise that, don’t you?’
‘I don’t flatter myself.’
‘Mind you, it’s not difficult to understand why,’ He smiled eyeing her up and down for several seconds, which made her flesh crawl.
‘I’m no better than a hundred girls you might see walking down the street.’
Cole chuckled. ‘I think you know you’re a little better than that, darling. The thing is, I’d hate Evan to be hurt, especially after what’s happened with Theresa.’
‘Why should I want to hurt him? That’s the last thing I’d do. He knows how things stand with me. In fact, that’s made our friendship stronger, knowing there won’t be any complications.’ She raised her eyebrows to bring home the point she was trying to make.
‘He’s had a few rough deals in his life as well. Nothing like Theresa had to go through, but bad enough. You might already know he was a very talented footballer. On the verge of breaking through to the first team of a professional club until he got a horrific injury. A terrible mistimed tackle ultimately ended his career.’
‘He’s already told me all about it.’
‘I was flabbergasted when I found out he was training to be a male nurse. That wasn’t a job I ever expected him to do. What a turnaround eh, although you have to admire the guy for being so plucky.’
‘What’s it like in the army?’ she asked, determined to change the subject.
‘Well…mostly it’s very dull and the work is routine. But on the odd occasion when we get involved in the action, it can be the most frightening experience of your life. I have to admit I’ve nearly shit myself a couple of times when I’ve been in tricky situations.’
Donna smiled at this. ‘Ever killed one of the enemy?’
‘Phew, what a question to ask a guy,’ he smiled with glazed eyes. ‘No, I haven’t but I have shot at and injured a few of them. It’s weird, at first I felt sick in the stomach, but the power of a gun in your hand can be almost euphoric. But also, it shocks you, and allows you to see people at their worst and their most vulnerable. I’ve seen some awful sights of blown up bits of people’s bodies, which left me with nightmares for weeks afterwards.’
‘I imagine being trapped in a certain situation enables you to kill another human being more easily. Is that so?’
‘Sure, if it’s a question of kill or be killed, darling. And when someone shoots at you, a rush of adrenalin goes through your whole body. But it’s what you’ve been trained for, and you react accordingly and somehow you get through it - me included.’
‘Will it be difficult to go back?’
‘In some ways. Afghanistan is an awful place to be in, and you have to watch your back constantly, there’s violence wherever you go, although that comes with the job. But there’s a great camaraderie among the lads – we all look out for each other. Anyway, I shouldn’t complain because I knew what I was letting myself in for when I joined up. Mind you, we weren’t at war at the time.’
‘If something were to happen to you as well it would destroy Evan and your mother. Have you never thought of that?’
He laughed at this remark, but seemed a little agitated. ‘Of course I have, but I could get killed crossing the road or in a car accident or any other number of ways.’
‘Yes, but the odds are stacked much more against you where you’re stationed.’
He seemed to get irritated again; she saw a tiny twitch of anger in his blue eyes. ‘If you’re number’s up, it’s up – there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t worry I plan to be around a lot longer yet. And I won’t be over there forever either.’
‘Let’s hope not.’
‘Hey, don’t tell me a beautiful girl like you is concerned over little old me,’ he grinned.
‘I
’m concerned about everyone who has to go over there – war is a terrible waste of lives – don’t you think?’
‘I guess so, but sometimes it’s the only way to solve problems when all else fails.’
‘True, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. So when do you have to go back?’
‘Well, they gave me five days leave, so it’s tomorrow.’
‘That soon?’
‘Yep – no peace for the wicked, is there?’
‘I wish you all the luck in the world Cole, hope you come through it unscathed.’
‘Thanks. It’s a shame you’re like you are over Evan. Now that is a waste. Seems to me, he’s getting close to winning you, so what’s holding you back?’
‘That’s my business, I’m not about to tell you about it, no matter how much you pry,’ she snapped.
Holding up his hands in protest he said, ‘Don’t worry, honestly I realise it’s none of my business. But you ought to get help before it ruins your life.’
‘Thanks for the lecture Doctor Cole, but I can deal with it myself. I don’t need anyone else’s help, thank you very much.’
‘All right, don’t get on your high horse, I get your drift. Anyway, darling, it’s late and I have an early start in the morning. Hope you’re still here when I next come home on leave.’
‘I might be,’ and with that she got up to go to bed.
‘Good night.’ He walked towards the door to switch off the light, then glancing at her added, ‘Something keeps bugging me Donna. I get the feeling we’ve met before, but for the life of me I can’t think where.’
‘You’re wrong about that, I’d remember an ugly mug like yours. Good night.’
He laughed at that and she smiled back a little sarcastically.
Later that night in a fitful sleep she thought about Cole and found it hard to decide if she liked him or not. Although he was outspoken, streetwise and down to earth there was an underlying strangeness about him, but she couldn’t put a finger on what that was. And found it odd he’d insisted he’d seen her before, unless it had to do with when she was a model and a beauty queen. Which she’d never admit to in his company.