by Peter Martin
Donna looked up at him guardedly. What he’d said was true, so why couldn’t she tell him the reason for this? She was frightened despite how sensitively he’d treated her, fearing someday he might turn out to be like Blake, especially if they were under pressure or had problems. What would she do then?
‘It’s me that should say sorry,’ she whispered, feeling ashamed of herself. ‘You don’t deserve this. I’ve told you before, you’d be better off with someone who can give you the love you need.’
Nervously he began, ‘If I went out with anyone else, it wouldn’t work – you’re the only person I can be happy with, for God’s sake.’
Biting her lip, tears came into her eyes as she realised he might actually be speaking the truth. She was as frightened as she’d been when they’d first become a couple. But she’d got through that and he hadn’t let her down since – had he? He was a decent honest and caring man who thought the world of her. If only she could find the strength to at least try – for his sake.
‘Can I have another look at that ring?’ she asked suddenly.
A tiny flicker of hope appeared in his eyes. He took it out of the box and placed it on her finger. She held out her arm and stared admiringly at this token of love, as if it was the most precious thing she’d ever worn. For a few seconds it felt good on her finger– but then the old feelings of doubt and indecision reappeared. Quickly she took the ring off and gave it back to him.
‘You’ll like it, Donna – I know you will.’
‘Maybe I will. It is gorgeous. I might wear it one day but I won’t be rushed. Keep it with you always and when I feel like putting it on for a little while – I will. Be patient with me Evan, and maybe you’ll get what you deserve.’
‘I have so much patience, it’ll be coming out my ears before long,’ he laughed.
‘You’ll keep the ring for me then?’ she almost begged him.
‘Of course I will, wherever I go. And then any time you want to see it, you can.’
She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, which she decided would have to be enough for now.
‘I wonder if we might get married someday, Donna?’
‘Sorry, but I can’t think that far ahead,’ she said looking at him with those sad eyes of hers.
He nodded, but from the look on his face she realized he was hurt and disappointed. Nonetheless feeling as trapped as she had for most of her life, she knew if he didn’t stop pressurising her, the relationship would fail for sure.
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Only a week later, they were sitting inside Gino’s candle lit Wine Bar in Dexford town centre. The atmosphere in the room and the wine they’d drunk had begun to take effect, and Donna was thinking about the engagement ring, and how beautiful it was. ‘Evan…’ She took hold of his hand.
‘Yes - what’s wrong?’ he began, looking straight into her eyes.
‘Er…I wondered if you had the ring with you.’
His mouth dropped open a little. ‘Of course - didn’t I say I would?’
She nodded, watching as he took the box out of his inside coat pocket, to place on the table in front of her.
Shaking slightly, she opened it, and slipped the ring onto her finger staring at it from afar.
‘Doesn’t that diamond sparkle, Evan? And it’s so beautiful as well.’
‘Like everything about you,’ he whispered to her.
She glanced up at him, shaking her head slightly, trying to ignore his remark.
‘I feel more comfortable now, not like before. Maybe I could get used to wearing it.’
‘That’s what I hoped you’d say. If you ever want to wear it permanently, you only have to tell me.’
‘Let me keep it for a few days in private, to see how I feel - all right? Maybe gradually I’m become even more relaxed about getting engaged, and about what people might say.’
‘I’ll keep my fingers crossed. No pressure babe, you take as long as you want. I just wish you’d confide in me about what happened to you.’
‘Maybe I will in the future, but for now the best I can do is to try to wear the ring – because of how much it means to you.’
‘You will, but do it for yourself as well as for me.’
‘I don’t like to speak too soon, but I’ve felt more contented about things just lately. Like work for instance. It’s done me good to get involved with the school.’
‘I told you – didn’t I?’
‘You did,’ she said squeezing his hand.
‘And who knows what it might lead to.’
‘I’m not thinking that far ahead yet, but it’s great to be doing something useful after wasting so much time.’
‘That’s how I was when I first became a nurse. Helping sick people get well again was great, although not all the patients appreciate what you do for them.’
‘That doesn’t surprise me.’ She wondered if he was referring to her at a time not so long ago.
Throughout the rest of that evening, Donna could hardly keep her eyes off the ring, imagining how her colleagues would react. They’d be so thrilled. In her heart, she knew she could trust Evan, and be sure he’d never hurt her. But a tiny voice kept saying that Blake had given her the same impression and look how he’d changed. There would always be that small element of doubt in her mind, and if something went wrong, she feared the pain would destroy her.
The following Saturday they sat watching television in her bedroom, Donna wearing his ring again; thinking how nice it was to have someone who cared for her again. He’d always been good to her in the time they’d known one another, and she felt safe in his company. Perhaps in time she would be able to express her feelings to him as it was clear she meant so much to him. This was the very least she could do.
Then out of the blue, an idea came to her that made her feel giddy with excitement, but also very apprehensive. However, realising nothing ventured was nothing gained, she said, ‘Evan would you like to show your mum this ring now?’
His eyes widened with shock and with pleasure.
‘Pardon – you serious?’ he smiled looking as if this was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
‘Yes, very much so.’
‘Are you sure you don’t want to think about it. You realise if we show it to her, there’s no going back?’
She nodded her head.
‘Positive?’
She nodded again, feeling very emotional. He didn’t understand what a huge step this was for her.
‘Come on then.’ And taking her hand said, ‘What are we waiting for?’
They went downstairs, still holding hands. Evan pushed the living room door open, to see his mother sitting down watching television. Her eyes darted from one to the other, having seen their hands locked together - something they’d never done in her presence - a puzzled expression came over her face.
He cleared his throat before speaking. ‘Mum, we’ve got something to tell you…’
In fact, he didn’t have to say anything more. He merely lifted up Donna’s left hand and showed his mother the engagement ring perched on her finger. A look of surprise, then joy came across her face.
‘It’s about time,’ was her first comment.
‘Donna needed to be sure,’ Evan told her. ‘And I don’t blame her, but I’m so thrilled she’s made up her mind at last.’
‘This is the most wonderful news. And that ring, why it’s absolutely lovely. Must have cost you a small fortune, Evan.’
‘Yes, but it’s worth every penny.’ He smiled proudly.
‘So when’s the big day?’
‘We haven’t decided yet, but there’s no rush mum – we’ve got all the time in the world.’
She turned to Donna. ‘What do you think?’
Slightly taken aback; she hadn’t been expecting this kind of pointed question. And with an embarrassed smile quickly said, ‘When we’ve saved some money, and when it feels right.’
‘That sounds good enough to me. Glad to see you’re not rushin
g into things. Right then, you two. This calls for a celebration! It just so happens I have a bottle of bubbly in the fridge. A relative gave me this as a present at Christmas, but I never got the chance to open it until now. This is as good a time as any. What a shame Theresa isn’t here to share the good news – she’d have been over the moon for you.’
Evan looked sadly into space. ‘She would – I still can’t believe she’s gone from us.’
‘Me neither - she’d have been so happy. I can see her now, with that big grin on her face, hugging us half to death. She’d have loved to be my bridesmaid.’
Evan followed his mother into the kitchen, and the sound of a ‘pop’ indicated the bottle had been opened successfully. They returned a few minutes later, Evan’s mother carefully carrying a tray containing three glasses brimming, with what looked like champagne. Donna took a sip of hers, finding it sweet, bubbly and refreshing.
After finishing the champagne they sat talking about the future – saving a deposit for a house and also when they envisaged getting married. Donna was getting more used to the idea of becoming Evan’s wife and what it would entail. Perhaps she really did have a future to look forward to at last.
Chapter 23
IT HAD BEEN ALMOST TWELVE MONTHS SINCE THE ENGAGEMENT, AND THE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE WEDDING WERE FINALLY WELL UNDER WAY. They had both been so busy going to work and saving every last penny to cover the cost of the wedding and a deposit on a house.
With a week to go before the big day, they had just finished washing up after tea when someone knocked on the front door. Donna got up to answer it, and was surprised to see Cole standing there. He looked very smart in his khaki uniform, his beret almost covering his left eye. He had a moustache now, but even that couldn’t hide the cheeky grin formed on his face.
‘Cole! We weren’t expecting you to come home until Thursday - after all the wedding is still a week away.’
‘I thought I’d surprise you all by coming early. I’ve managed to get an extra week’s leave – after all it is for my favourite couple in the world.’
‘Oh Cole, you are silly,’ she smiled.
They hugged like old friends, and Cole gave her a little peck on the cheek. After closing the front door behind him, Donna shouted, ‘Evan, mum, look who’s here.’
They both looked up and seemed elated upon seeing Cole enter the living room.
‘Cole!’ Tears of joy came in his mother’s eyes. ‘I’m so glad you’re back safe.’
‘How are you doing, mum, brother?’
Cole put his bag down before embracing first his mother and then Evan vigorously.
‘Hey, this is brilliant,’ Evan laughed.
‘I decided to come early so me and you can have ourselves a proper stag night – what do you reckon Evan?’
‘I wasn’t planning on doing anything much – I’m not one for boozy nights out any more.’ Evan blushed with embarrassment.
‘Oh sure you are,’ Cole insisted. ‘I bet Donna's going on a hen night, aren’t you Donna?’
She felt herself colour, before replying in a disapproving tone of voice, ‘Actually no, I’m not. I’m not into making a fool of myself, the night before my wedding.’
‘Quite right too Donna.’
‘But mum, Evan and me – well, we’re really close. Best mates as well as brothers. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t take him out for a celebration drink. Don’t worry, we’ll be good, won’t we Evan?’
Donna frowned at them, not believing Cole’s promise. But it was only one night after all. ‘It’s all right Cole; I’m well aware that this a man thing. Honestly, I don’t mind as long as you don’t get yourselves into any trouble.’
Cole grinned, with a mischievous grin on his face. ‘I’ll bring him back in one piece, I promise you – and I’ll take good care of him like a big brother should.’
Raising her eyebrows, she realised there wasn’t much she could do.
For the rest of the evening, they all sat listening to Cole’s bawdy jokes and stories about life in the army. He was so funny, tears rolled down their cheeks. He appeared to be the complete opposite of Evan, who was quiet, kind and loving.
Donna was tired after an exhausting day of preparations, and told them she was going to bed early. Everyone said good night to her in high spirits. Evan followed her up onto the landing and kissed her goodnight before they went to their respective rooms. She remained in Cole’s room while he slept on the sofa, still unable to sleep in Theresa’s room he said, because it brought back too many memories.
She’d fallen asleep that night feeling content and happy, the only worry constantly popping into her head was the wedding night itself and the fear that she might let him down.
She had been drifting in and out of sleep, when she suddenly woke needing the toilet. Opening the bedroom door, she walked across the landing, making for the bathroom. A few minutes later as she came out she heard a moaning sound coming from downstairs. On the landing, she listened more acutely and realised it was Cole.
What was going on down there couldn’t be ignored. But now she faced a dilemma. Either wake Evan or his mother or she should investigate herself. Since she was already up, there seemed little point in disturbing them.
Tiptoeing downstairs, she stood just inside the doorway, observing Cole lying on the settee, thrashing his arms and legs about. She switched on the light in the hall, so as not to shock him, then moved across to the settee to stand over him. His eyes were closed, sweat masked his face and was trickling down the sides of his cheeks. His hair looked wet and matted down on his head.
‘No! No! No! Please don’t make ... Can’t face … kill me … they will,’ he mumbled in his sleep. He moved his arms up to protect his face.
Donna watched this in amazement.
‘Don’t want... to die,’ he cried out. ‘Can’t go back ... not that ... they’re animals... can’t go … no … no … no!’
With that he jumped, then sat up startled. His eyes opened wide, staring at Donna. But the blank look on his face suggested he was only half-awake and unaware of his surroundings.
‘It’s all right Cole,’ she said softly. ‘You’re safe now.’
His head gave a little jolt. Then he started to weep, his shoulders shuddering with terror.
Donna was shocked, unsure of what to do, as she’d never seen him like this before. Always he’d been the suave confident happy-go-lucky bloke, everybody’s friend, willing to help anyone in trouble. To see this side of him amazed her.
She sat on the edge of the sofa, and put her arms around him and held his head against her shoulder, while he juddered continually for some time.
‘Sssh, ‘she whispered in his ear. ‘You’re going to be all right Cole; no one will hurt you while you’re here.’
‘But I have to go back.’
‘Yes, but you’ll be with your mates. You’ll all look out for each other – you know you will.’
‘No, can’t do it anymore. I won’t go.’ His hands gripped her arm, almost to the point where it hurt.
‘You can, Cole. You’re stronger than that. Haven’t you done this loads of times before?’
‘Don’t you understand? I’m a mess, a disgrace to the regiment.’
‘Cole –’
He moved his head from her, seeming to have come to his senses. ‘I don’t want you to see me this way. Just go back to bed and leave me in peace.’
‘I can help if you’ll let me. Talk to me about it if you want. I promise I’ll never tell another soul.’ She looked at him, feeling so sorry for him.
His blue eyes looked afraid as he stared into space, obviously pondering over her suggestion.
‘All...all right then,’ he said unable to look at her straight in the eye. ‘As long as you never breathe a word to anyone, especially not Evan or mum.’
‘I already promised, didn’t I?’
He grabbed hold of her hand as he sat up on the sofa, allowing her to sit by his side which she obliged to do
because of his current state of mind; although this situation did make her feel a little claustrophobic.
‘We...we were out on patrol in an armoured car. There were six of us. The streets were full of people, all going about their daily lives. Suddenly there was an almighty explosion. The vehicle must have gone over a device of some sort. Somehow, miraculously I found myself thrown clear into the road. But when I looked back dazed, I saw the most horrific scene I’ve ever witnessed in my life. Blood soaked body parts and pieces of flesh were strewn all over the place. I glanced around me and saw Alan, my best mate, half his body blown away, his eyes staring at me as if he was trying to beg for help. Can you imagine what that was like? And then I watched a mob, swarm around the burning wreck of our armoured car. They took whatever they could salvage. Then they started kicking the bits of bodies – acting as if they were wild animals – and I could do nothing about it except to stare in disbelief.
‘Nobody seemed to notice me, that was the strange thing about it. Somehow, I slipped away from the crowd and all that carnage. I ran away when I should have done something for my friends’ dignity. But I didn’t. I let the enemy do their worst to my comrades. I’ll never forget that as long as I live. When I got back to base, I couldn’t tell them what happened – I was too ashamed. They thought I was in shock because I had a gash on my forehead and had been knocked out. No matter how many times they asked me, the words wouldn’t come. When they found the vehicle they must have realised what I’d been through – but they didn’t do a thing, except to make me see a doctor and then a shrink, who declared me fit for duty. Can you believe that? I might have died; and I saw all my mates blown to bits. I was staggered when they said I was fit enough to resume my duties. All right, so I only had a few scratches and a bump on the head, but that doesn’t mean what I saw didn’t do something to me, even though I couldn’t tell them. I’ve never spoken about it to anyone until now. And now I have to go back into that hellhole again. And I’m not sure I can...’