“Yes.”
“Cool.”
“Other than that, I surf, look at the stars, swim, drink a beer on the beach and watch the sun go down, listen to the ocean and look at your painting…but that’s not a job.”
“Wow. So, you’re, like, loaded.”
He smiled and shook his head back and forth.
“I’m sorry, that was kinda rude of me, wasn’t it?”
“Technically I am, but it’s not mine. I didn’t earn it. I’m an only child so I will inherit one day but I only started to really earn a wage when I took over the Hotel part of the business.” His entire demeanor changed into bitterness, “I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to get as far away from my father and his company as possible but Emma loved it. She loved shopping for the next event and meeting this person and that person. She had me convinced that the best way to get back at my dad was to beat him at his own game, become more powerful than him.”
“She didn’t know you very well then, did she?” It was a statement more than a question.
“She played a good game, Anika. She knew exactly what to say and how to say it. I hate that my dad was right. Anyway, that’s what I’ve been doing the last twelve years.”
We drove in silence for a while after that. I felt like he was leaving something out, something important but he would tell me eventually, he said he would. He stopped at Starbucks but we took our coffee and pastry and continued on to wherever it was we were going.
***
“Are you selling me into white slavery?”
“No” he laughed. “I think going the opposite direction on P.C.H. would’ve been the direction for that activity. Maybe next time.” He smiled.
“You’re not gonna tell me, are you?”
“Don’t you like surprises, Anika?”
“As a rule, no. Unless it involves food items. Coffee’s a favorite. I’m also partial to bacon.”
“I’ll remember that. I want to cook for you so I thought I’d take us to the famers market. Aside from incredibly over-priced produce and organic meats, they sell coffee and pastries, beautiful desserts…I’m gonna leave that part up to you. I’m expecting a delivery around two and I’d like to be there when it arrives. We can go out again after that if you want. Hey, do you want to take a fishing charter out in the morning?”
“What? I mean, slow down. Let’s just take the day as it comes. It’s only Saturday, Cole. I won’t turn into a pumpkin until Sunday evening. Afternoon at the earliest.” I had to laugh at him. He was so excited for some reason, almost anxious. As we arrived at the market and parked the car, he stared out the window saying and doing nothing. “Is something wrong? Cole?”
“No, sorry, I zoned out for a minute there. Okay, there’re a couple of shopping bags in the back there if you wanna grab ‘em. I’ll get your door.” What was that all about?
After an hour of filling the hemp bags to the brim with all sorts of culinary delights, we were on our way back to Cole’s magnificent beach house. When we arrived, I noticed there were two large bags sitting by the front door. “Damn, I missed the delivery guy but it doesn’t matter. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise but they’ve wrapped everything up. That’s for you…later.” His devilish grin made me wonder if he’d had a delivery from a sex shop. “It’s not what you think so wipe that smile off your face.”
“What? How do you know what dirty thoughts I’m thinking?”
“Because that delivery isn’t due until four, Anika.” Now I knew he was teasing me. This was easy, being with him. Too easy, but I wasn’t going to dwell on it. I was having too much fun.
After a delicious lunch of grilled chicken and mango salad with a dressing he just whipped up in front of me, he left the kitchen and returned with a bag. “You did buy sex toys didn’t you?”
“No” he laughed. “But I did get some things I think you’ll need while you’re here and this is the first one. Open it.”
Inside was a bikini. It didn’t leave much to the imagination but I assumed that was the point. “Can I ask how you managed to get this delivered here and when did you have the time to do it?”
“I have an assistant. I really hate to use him for anything not business related but, there’s a first time for everything. I hope the size is right. I was going to surf for a bit, thought you might like to, I don’t know…watch me and cheer me on? Is that what girlfriends do? I’m new to this whole thing. How about this? I would love for you to put on that sexy bikini and come watch me surf.”
“I would be honored to come watch you surf. Let me just go slip on this…this…teeny, tiny sewing project. Seriously, this is like doll clothing.” I laughed. I hoped I could do it justice. I was proud of my body. I was curvy but tried to stay as lean as possible. My only regret was that I seemed to be the opposite of tan. I just burned, then freckled a bit and went back to white. “I’m gonna need sunscreen, though. A lot of it.”
“I’ll lube you up when you’re ready.”
“That wasn’t suggestive at all.” I rolled my eyes in mock annoyance and walked toward the downstairs bathroom to change. When I had the suit on and looked at myself in the mirror, I felt sexy. I couldn’t believe Cole picked this out. Correction, I couldn’t believe his assistant picked it out. Hmm, I’d have to ask about that.”
“Wow! You make that bikini look really good. I made Anthony drive to three shops to find the one I saw on the internet until he found it. It was worth it, that’s for sure. Come here.” I walked toward him and saw a tube of lotion. “Turn around. I’ll get the parts you can’t reach.” Lifting my hair out of his way, I waited for him to apply the lotion to my back, over my tattoo. Too much sun makes the skin age and tattoos bleed, or that’s what Nico told me. I don’t expose my back, ever, so it’s never been a problem before. He didn’t linger, I didn’t feel like he was examining me, he just efficiently put sunscreen on me. “There. I think I’ll let you get the front or we’ll never make it down to the beach. Would you mind holding this? There’re a couple of beers, a bottle of water and some towels. You ready?”
“Sure. By the way, before I forget, I want you to know that you, in board shorts all low on your hips…”
“Bad thing?”
“Oh, no, no, no…have you ever seen Fight Club?”
“Of course, what guy hasn’t? I love that Pixies song at the end.”
Dream guy!
“You have that whole Brad-Pitt-stomach-thing going on. It’s a good thing. Even Martha Stewart would agree, I’m sure.”
“Right.” He laughed. “Follow me.”
Chapter 22
I nursed my beer and watched Cole take his long board out to surf. He made it look so easy but I knew it wasn’t. I had a firm respect for the ocean but I didn’t really want to be in that water. It’s a food chain fear and not wanting to be part of it. I laid back and fell asleep for a while into what was one of the most restful naps I’d ever had. When I woke up, Cole was next to me, his skin wet, lying with his arms propped up, watching the waves.
“Did you have a nice nap?” He asked.
“I did. I can’t believe I slept. I’m sorry. I did watch you for a long time though. You’re very good. You make it look so easy.”
“I can teach you if you want.”
“No, that won’t be necessary.” I stated this firmly leaving no room for negotiation.
“Are you scared?”
“Let’s say that I love the ocean, I respect the ocean…kind of like the forest. You don’t just walk through the forest.”
“Why not?” He flipped his wet hair away from his face. In slow motion it would’ve been a commercial for Ray Ban’s.
“Because it’s not your natural habitat. Once you walk into the bear’s house or the shark’s house, I think you’ve introduced yourself as a potential meal, not a houseguest.”
He let out a light laugh, “I’ll get you in the water eventually. You’ll see. And I’ll protect you. In these waters your biggest threat would be the odd great white
but that’s pretty rare.”
“You’re not really selling me on the idea, you know. I love the ocean. It’s the perfect relationship; sometimes it’s loud and fierce; sometimes it’s quiet and soothing. It can feed you, it can sing to you. I think it’s beautiful. I just don’t want it to eat me, that’s all.”
“You’re beautiful, Anika.” He smiled at me. A beautiful, gleaming smile.
“Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.” He lay down on his towel and closed his eyes.
“Would you mind handing me my sunglasses? I might just close my eyes for a little while too, unless you want to go back up to the house and go in the pool?”
“No, I’m fine right where I am. Here ya go.”
“Thanks.”
I heard his breathing become slow and steady and I couldn’t help but watch him. His normally perfect hair was tousled with water and sand, his perfect body tanned and toned from his shoulders to his toes. How did I hit the man jackpot? After what I assumed was about another hour, he began to stir and reached his hand toward mine. The sun was getting lower and the afternoon light, my favorite light to paint in, was casting a beautiful golden glow over Cole. I began to trace my fingers down his arm, down to his hand and gently laced his fingers with mine.
When I reached his wrist I could see a deep white scar. I started to trace it with my finger when he suddenly snatched it away and stood up. He gathered the bag and the towel and began the ascent to his house. There was his pain. He hadn’t covered it with a watch or a tattoo but I don’t think he was ready for its discovery either.
After wiping the excess sand off, I went to find him. As I entered his bedroom, I heard the shower. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know him very well but my instinct and my own fucked-up past told me to go to him, face it and tell him I’m not afraid of his brand of crazy. I had my own special brand and so did every other person on God’s green earth. I didn’t have any confirmation of what his scar was but I was pretty damn sure.
I didn’t knock. I simply took off the bikini and walked in. The double shower was steaming and Cole leaned against the tiles with his back to me, one arm over his eyes, the other bracing his body. He didn’t move when I walked in but I was positive he knew I was there. I pressed my body to his back and put my arms around him. Moving his arm down, he gathered mine to his chest. We stayed that way, letting the water, the steam and the silence comfort us both. After a while, I decided to take the initiative and grabbed a bar of soap from the shelf built into the tiles. I soaped his neck and chest. Under his arms down to his fingertips, his back and perfectly sculpted ass, his legs and feet and lastly, what I referred to earlier as his beautiful penis. I moved him directly under the spray and rinsed the soap from him. I squeezed shampoo into my hands and massaged it into his scalp standing on my tip toes. He moaned as I rubbed firmly, wanting every touch to convey comfort and understanding to him. I rinsed his hair and quickly cleaned my body. I turned off the shower and opened the door, stepping out and wrapping myself quickly in a towel. I urged him to sit down on a small wooden bench opposite and began to dry him off. I took one of his many bath robes and slid his arms into each sleeve, motioning him to stand and follow me to the bedroom. He sat on the end of the bed and looked out to the ocean. I kneeled in front of him and took his hands in mine, turning his arms over to expose his wrists. Very slowly, I examined and kissed each one to find that both wrists bore the same thick white scars.
“I told you I was fucked up.” He said.
“Yes, you did. Is this why you wanted to avoid telling me your family stuff?”
“Yeah. Now that you know, are you sure you want to stay?”
“Did Emma know, Cole?” I asked softly.
“Yes. I told her in the beginning. I didn’t keep anything from her. I wanted to be honest and have a future with her.”
“She’s a terrible human being.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Is this what you were gonna tell me today?”
“I wanted to, Anika. I just wanted to be with you and comfort you. I thought it would give me the same comfort in return, even if I never told you.”
“Did we learn nothing from my time with Evan?” I laughed lightly. “Here’s the deal, Cole. I think we need each other. I’m scared to death because you already helped me. When I tried not to think about you, you kept making your way into my thoughts, even subconsciously. Sitting next to you on the beach, shopping at that market, the way our bodies fit together, it feels... ”
“Right.” He answered.
“Yes.” I agreed.
“It’s not gonna be easy Anika. I can get dark. When I stared out into space today, that was one of those times. I can usually shake it off pretty quickly but I’ve had a lot of practice. I think that’s why I’m attracted to your paintings. It’s almost as if they’re my thoughts, my own pain, reflected back at me. I feel like I can relate.”
“Did your panic attacks happen before or after your suicide attempt?” He inhaled quickly. “I’m sorry. Is that off limits?”
“No. I just can’t believe you didn’t even hesitate to say the words to me. It doesn’t scare you?”
“Are you gonna do it again?”
“Absolutely not.”
“What makes you so sure? I’m telling you right now, Cole. My hesitation in getting involved with you, even before this revelation, was because I didn’t want to have my heart broken. I don’t think I could take it. I mean it. If there’s any doubt in your mind, if you think I’m not enough…I need to walk away. You need to let me walk away.”
He pulled me up to the bed and onto his lap and held me to his chest. “I told you. Anika, don’t break my heart and I won’t break yours. All I have ever wanted was a partner, someone to share my life with. I’m thirty-five years old. You’re only twenty-five. Your career is just taking off; a career I might add that would have done so without me buying your paintings. That much was obvious at the Gillies. Everything is going so well for you now. I can’t ask you to consider a future with me after knowing me for only a few months but I wouldn’t have pursued you if I wasn’t sure. You’ll never be a casual fuck for me. You’ll be my beginning and my end. I’m tired of being alone and I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not.”
“And what is that?” I carefully asked him what he’d pushed me to answer the night before.
“Perfect.”
Raising my head to meet his eyes, I looked at him, really looked at him and saw his beauty and his pain. Such a sensitive soul, no doubt his asshole father probably tried to beat it out of him. I hated him already.
“How did I go from dating a guy, to getting engaged to him, to him cheating on me, to this so quickly? I’m afraid I can’t trust my judgment.”
He kissed my lips, “Then let’s be scared together, Anika. Let me love you the way you should be loved. We’ll take each day as it comes but we have to talk. You have to promise me that if you start to feel panicky at all, you’ll tell me. Don’t walk away. I want to help, I mean it.”
“I promise.” I stopped him kissing me and pushed on his chest so I could have his full attention. “My dad left when I was young, Cole. It’s the worst heartbreak I’ve ever known because I never knew why. My mother always said it was my fault but obviously that wasn’t the reason. The one thing I know for sure, I’ve always felt like I wasn’t enough. He didn’t love me enough to stay. Please don’t do that.”
“Anika, I promise.” He kissed me again but this kiss was filled with hope and promises made with heightened, raw emotion. I could taste the saltwater on his lips from his tears mingling with mine. He bit into my neck, holding me straddled against him, my legs wrapped around his back. With his feet firmly planted on the floor in front of him, he took off my towel and his robe so there would be nothing between us. Reaching his hand between my legs, he found that I was ready for him, completely aroused. I watched the muscles in his neck flex as he lifted my hips up just enough and slowly guided me onto him, p
ushing deep inside me, filling me with desire emanating from both of us. His tears and mine, moaning and crying and moving together in a rhythm I thought only seasoned lovers could know. Using his shoulders as leverage I pushed onto him, urging him deeper. His fingers digging into my flesh, lifting me up and pulling me back down with each thrust. Leaning my upper body away from him, he let me dangle, my head almost touching the floor, I held onto his calves while he gripped my hips, holding me steady in place, reaching a spot deep inside I’d never known existed before. A parallel to the union of our hearts and our bodies. I could feel my orgasm build, that electricity surging between us, his own breathing increasing more and more, “Come for me Anika, I want to make you come harder than you’ve ever come before.” The harder he pushed into me, the more I could feel myself building, a gradual climb to pleasure. “Oh God, Cole. Please!” I cried out, a sound I was sure could be heard for miles just as he reached his peak as well.
Panting, breathless once again, I collapsed my entire weight against his arms as he lifted me back to his lap.
“What. Was. That?” I asked.
“Haven’t you ever had an orgasm like that?”
“No. That was unmatched.” I said trying to catch my breath.
“I meant have you ever had an orgasm without clitoral stimulation?”
“No. How’d you do that?”
“That, my darling Anika, was probably your G-spot.”
“I’ve heard about that mythical place. How’d you find it? You are a male whore, aren’t you?”
“No, I do a lot of reading.”
“Don’t stop. Whatever you’re reading, it’s good.” He laid me next to him on the bed as we both tried to catch our breath. He was recovering much more quickly than I was. “Thank you for making me stay, Cole. I’m looking forward to our…collaboration.”
He laughed. “Me too, Anika. Me too.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“I know what you’re gonna ask. It’s way after two, isn’t it?”
“I think so, yeah.”
“You want to know why I did it.”
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