by Jolie, Meg
He’d been planning on a quiet night at home. A few bottles of beer and a hockey game while he tried not to think of his run-in with Carly the night before. Or the fact that she’d spent the night. Or the fact that she looked more beautiful than she ever had. Or that by letting her slip away, he’d hand-delivered to himself the biggest regret of his life.
He’d worked hard over the years, since Carly was a freshman in high school, to get that girl out of his head. He’d been a miserable failure.
A few more quick texts back and forth with Jemma and a call to Bart to be sure she wasn’t messing with him, and he’d been rushing out the door to Shady’s. The thought of Carly single again and hooking up with someone that wasn’t him? Hell. No.
Even after talking to Bart, he still hadn’t believed it.
Not until he saw that naked finger for himself.
Up until that point, he knew he’d been a bit of an ass to her. When he’d first spotted her walking up to the bar, his old, cocky habits kicked in. He was used to carefully guarding his heart when he was around Carly.
And with good reason.
Once he saw that her finger was in fact bare, he managed to wrap his head around what that truly signified.
She was free. To be his.
If only she would agree.
The problem was, with the rocky history they had, he didn’t know if she would ever agree. Not once in all the years that they’d been together had he ever manned-up and told her how he felt about her.
But he was going to do it now.
Today.
If he could only get her to listen.
Carly let out a little groan and her hand slid up. She rested it against her temple. Her fingers pressed down for a moment and then she let her hand fall back to the mattress.
He could tell by the sudden tension in her body that she was awake.
He reached over to smooth her hair back. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she returned.
He frowned at her glum tone. “Head hurt?” he wondered, hoping it was nothing more than that.
She bounced around until she was flat on her back. Then she turned her head to the side to face him. His stomach twisted when he saw her expression, the dullness of her eyes and the concern etched across her forehead.
Please don’t let that be regret, he thought.
It was the last thing he wanted to see.
Without saying anything, she looked away from him again and stared at the ceiling.
“Look, Carly,” he started. “Can we talk?”
She groaned again, theatrically this time, as she dragged a hand through her hair. Then without warning, she popped up.
“Any chance we can pretend that last night never happened?” she asked over her shoulder as she nearly catapulted herself out of his bed. She pulled a blanket with her, covering herself.
That was a first and he didn’t like it one bit. Not because he wanted to see her—which he did—but because she apparently felt the need to cover up.
“No, we can’t. Or at least I can’t,” he said as he quickly followed. He noticed she was scanning his room. “Your bag’s in the bathroom, if that’s what you’re looking for.”
“Thanks,” she said as she took a step toward the door.
“Hey!” He reached out, latching onto her wrist. “Hey,” he said again, quieter this time when he realized that she was still avoiding looking at him. “Carly?” She finally glanced up. “I really want to talk. Can you stay for a bit? If you want to go shower, I can start some breakfast.”
“I should really go,” she said as she tried to pull away from him. “I’ve hardly spent any time with my parents.”
“Don’t you think they can wait another hour?” He looked at her anxiously. He hadn’t expected things to be so…awkward. Usually, when they got together, they just fell into a comfortable routine. Maybe too much time had passed. Or maybe too much had changed.
He narrowed his eyes at her. Carly actually seemed—it took him a moment to determine how she seemed. Embarrassed? Carly was never embarrassed.
“Are you upset about last night?” he finally, gently asked. He felt his chest constrict with worry. She’d just gotten out of a serious relationship. While he was sure he hadn’t pushed her into anything, maybe he should’ve backed off a little.
Despite Jemma’s text, maybe Carly wasn’t ready.
Of course she wasn’t ready, he realized. Out loud he said, “You are upset.”
Her eyes, which had been zeroed in on the floor shot up to him again. She scoffed. “Upset? No. Was it a mistake?” She gave a little shake of her head. “Isn’t it always with us?”
With that, she turned around and walked away.
He stood there for a moment, staring at the empty doorway. Then he lurched forward, just as she was about to disappear into the bathroom.
“Carly?” She stopped at the sound of his voice but she didn’t turn around. It was now, or it was never. This was his chance—a second chance that he had been sure he would never get—and he was going to take it. Even if getting the words out scared the hell out of him. Because at this point, what did he have to lose? Other than his pride. And that wouldn’t be a first. “The only mistake, is that I ever let you get away.”
~*~*~
Carly tugged her brush through her wet hair. She’d possibly taken the longest shower of her life. Now, she’d run her brush through her hair maybe a hundred times. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could hang out in Jesse’s bathroom.
Jemma hadn’t wanted her to go home with a stranger. But maybe that was exactly what she should’ve done. A stranger would’ve just left her to her walk of shame. She futilely wished she’d woken up early enough to creep out of his house. So they could avoid this…this…whatever this was.
He’d asked if her head hurt so he probably thought she’d had a lot to drink the night before. She hadn’t. Not really. She’d told herself she wasn’t going to get stupid-drunk. Apparently, she’d gotten plain stupid instead.
It had been two and a half years since the last time she’d let herself get lost in Jesse this way. He had asked if she was upset. Disappointed in herself was more like it. She had thought that she was past the point in her life where she’d allow herself another meaningless night with Jesse. The man was addictive. The last thing she needed was to make the mistake of falling into her old habits. Not now, not when she thought she’d finally broken free of them.
The only mistake, is that I ever let you get away.
“I must have misheard him,” she muttered to herself as she finally began tossing things back into her bag. “That’s all. Or I misunderstood. Maybe he was joking. Horrible thing to joke about,” she continued to ramble. “Because that’s really not funny.”
There was a quick, hard rap on the door. “Breakfast is ready whenever you are.”
Funny, she thought, I don’t remember agreeing to stay for breakfast. She pulled the door open and found herself face to face with Jesse. “I’m done.”
He gave her a little nod and then sidestepped her, letting himself into the small room. His body brushed against hers as he slid through the doorway. Her breath caught because while she’d changed into jeans and a formfitting t-shirt, he had only tossed on a pair of boxers.
“Everything is on the table. I’ll be right out.”
She glanced at him again. His expression was unreadable so she headed to the kitchen and let him have some privacy.
As soon as she stepped into the familiar room, a small smile tugged at her lips. The waffle iron was left open on the countertop to cool. Two plates of waffles were placed on the table. Both were drenched in a pool of syrup and buried under a layer of whipped cream. Two huge glasses of milk were next to the plates. She crossed the kitchen and took her usual seat. The one without the cup of coffee.
Jesse had never asked her to talk before. Talking in general wasn’t typically their forte. She grimaced, hoping that he didn’t want to talk about Nolan. He knew she and N
olan were over. He didn’t know the details and she sure didn’t want to discuss them with him.
The whole situation was humiliating enough. It had been hard enough to tell her mom. It had even been hard to admit to Quinn and Jemma. There was no way she could go into those details with Jesse too.
He appeared moments later. He’d finally tossed on a shirt. If he’d bothered to run a comb through his hair, tugging on the shirt had messed it up again. If Carly had to guess, she’d guess he’d never bothered in the first place.
“You hungry?” Jesse asked as he took the spot next to her.
“Always,” she replied. She picked up her fork but out of the corner of her eye, she noticed he remained still beside her. She laughed self-consciously as she turned to find that he was watching her.
His expression was far too serious.
She raised her eyebrows in question. When he still said nothing she said, “What?”
“I was just wondering…”
Her stomach tightened as she braced herself for a deluge of questions about Nolan. Of course he hadn’t wanted to hear details last night. Details like that might’ve dampened the mood. But now, in the bright sunlit morning, he probably only thought it was polite to ask a question or two. Maybe even offer some condolences. The thought made her squirm.
When he continued, picking up his request where he’d left off, it was the last thing she thought he would say.
“Can I kiss you?”
She realized he hadn’t picked up his fork yet. He was leaning toward her intently, his eyes on hers. He was so close she could smell peppermint toothpaste on his breath. She leaned away from him because everything about him had always been far too intoxicating.
“You’re asking if you can kiss me?” Carly asked. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or frown. “After everything we did last night, you’re asking if you can kiss me?” she repeated.
“Last night was about you needing to unwind,” Jesse said. “You needed to blow off steam and I know you were working through some things.”
She crossed her arms defiantly but let him continue.
“And that’s okay. It’s probably good. You were pissed and you had every right to be. I know you only like it rough when you’re in a mood like that. And last night,” he said as he raised his eyebrows, “was really—”
“I didn’t hear you complaining!” she shot out, interrupting him.
“Hell, no, I didn’t complain. You want it rough, I’ll give it to you.” He shook his head. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you?”
She felt her mouth hanging slightly agape and she snapped it shut. Surely he meant in the bedroom. Or shower, or the storage closet at Shady’s, the deck in the backyard, or even in the entryway, like last night. Since that’s as far as they’d made it. That had to be what he meant. Right? He couldn’t mean in life. Or anything else that was actually important.
“But today? It’s not about blowing off steam. Right now, right here, it’s about you and me. So I’m asking you, can I please kiss you?”
He was joking. He had to be joking. But she had rarely seen him so serious. Words escaped her. Her voice failed her. She managed to simply nod her head. He leaned toward her, his hands resting gently on her thighs. Her eyes had barely had time to close when she felt his mouth press against hers.
She had kissed Jesse hundreds and possibly even thousands of times over the years.
She was sure he had never kissed her like this before.
His hand slid up her back, higher still until one hand was resting at her nape. The pressure of his fingers increased just a bit, gently urging her closer to him. She went willingly, turning into him so that her hand landed on his chest, then slid up to his shoulder.
His mouth took in her bottom lip first in a gentle, teasing kiss. It was nowhere near enough and she let him know it. She opened her mouth to his and his tongue slipped inside, tangling, dancing, gliding across hers. She moaned only seconds into the kiss, already knowing she wanted more. He didn’t seem interested in giving it to her.
“Now,” he said as he backed away, “please eat your waffles before they get cold. And then? We are going to talk.”
This time, she couldn’t find a reason to argue.
9
Carly was seated on Jesse’s couch. She felt like a kid, getting ready for a lecture. They’d eaten their breakfast in an odd sort of silence. When they finished, he’d brought her into his living room, still insisting they needed to talk. She placed herself on his couch, assuming he’d sit beside her. So far, he hadn’t. In fact, he was pacing in front of her.
“So…?” She hoped to prod him into speaking.
He stopped in front of her and raked a hand through his hair. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”
She was perplexed by his strange behavior. “What is?”
The tension surrounding him was so thick, she could feel it from where she sat. His expression was oddly stoic. Finally, he approached her and sat on the couch next to her. Not close enough that they were touching. She eyed him warily. She was curious but she was also starting to wonder if she should be concerned. She’d never seen him like this before.
“I want a do-over.”
She blinked at him in surprise. When he didn’t go into further explanation she managed to say, “What?”
He nodded. “I know the timing of this is terrible. I mean, just a few days ago, you had a fiancé. But if I let you go now, I don’t know when I’ll see you again. So even though the timing absolutely sucks, I wanted to tell you. I mean, after last night—”
“A do-over? A do-over?” she grated out. “Now that I’m single again you want me to go back to being your fuck-buddy?” She catapulted herself off the couch. “No! I’m not doing that all over again!” she said over her shoulder as she bolted from the room.
“Carly!”
She ignored him as she flew through the room, heading for the front door. Her cheeks were burning and her eyes were stinging. She was mortified that he would proposition her that way. Yet after last night, could she really blame him?
She let out a shriek when Jesse scooped her up from behind. Too quickly for her to struggle, he flipped her over his shoulder and marched her back into the living room.
“Are you kidding me?! Put me down!” she said as she squirmed in his grasp.
“I know I’ve messed things up so badly with you in the past,” he began. “But I want to start over. With you.”
“Jesse.”
“Do I need to tie you down to force you to listen to me? Because I will,” he threatened as he kept his steel grip around her. “Or you can agree to hear me out. Your choice.”
“Let go of me!” she said as she tried to push away from his body. She didn’t get far.
“You’ll hear me out?”
“Fine. Just put me down. This is ridiculous!”
He carefully slid her to her feet, holding her steady until he was sure she had her balance. He kept his hands on her shoulders, ready to catch her if she tried to bolt again. She kept her posture rigid because that’s exactly what she was prepared to do.
“This isn’t how I wanted this to go,” he finally said. “I wanted to tell you how I feel about you. I wanted to tell you that I’ve missed you. I want to date you. Bring you flowers. Take you to dinner. Drag you to boring family functions. Bring you to those damn dinner parties my co-workers have. I want a relationship with you, Carly. A real one. Not an extension of this mess we’ve created for ourselves over the years.”
She felt herself go limp and he led her the few feet back to the couch where they both sat. Those were words she never thought Jesse would say. Years ago, they were the words she was dying to hear and they never came. Now? She didn’t know how to respond to them. She wasn’t sure if she should believe him, for one thing.
When she remained silent, he continued.
“That’s what I meant when I said I wanted a do-over. I want to do thi
ngs right with you this time. I know we have a messy history. I want to get past that.” His demeanor was tense again as he watched her, waiting. “Will you please say something?”
She gave him a small shrug, still trying to absorb it all. “I honestly don’t know what to say. A huge part of me thinks you’re just messing with me.”
“Okay,” he said slowly. “Then I’ll keep talking. I’ll talk until I can convince you. Do you remember last night when I told you nothing about you is easy? Nothing about you is easy! And I fucking love you for it. Why can’t you see that?”
She blinked at him. Surprised wasn’t a strong enough description for what she felt. He loved her? She wanted to question him. She wanted to refute him. But more than anything? She wanted to believe him. She just…couldn’t.
“Carly, it’s always been you. Even when there were others—when you wanted nothing to do with me—it’s always come back to you. Every single time over the years. Now you can hate me, you can use me, you can drag me around by the balls. And you know what? I probably won’t try to stop you. I love you so much I’d do anything for you.”
She shook her head. “You need to stop saying that. That you love me. And a relationship? I don’t want it to be that way. A relationship shouldn’t be that way.”
He let out a relieved exhale. “I know. So let’s turn it into something else.”
“Why are you doing this?” she whispered. “Why now?”
“Because I didn’t do it before,” he said. “And if I don’t do it now, right now, I’m afraid you’re going to slip away again. I can’t let that happen.”
Her emotions were a swirling mess. His words went against everything she ever believed about the relationship they had. There was no way he could love her. He just used her. The same way she always used him. Right?
The cautious yet hopeful look on his face made her think maybe that wasn’t right.
“Why would’ve I told you before?” he continued. “Admit it. You got a thrill out of leaving me hanging and busting my balls. If anyone can tear me apart inside it’s you. Why would I bare my soul? Lay it all out…but I’m doing it now. It’s worth it. It’s worth taking the chance, once and for all. You have all the power here Carly. You can either destroy me…Or you can make me whole.”