by Sienna Grant
“Do you want to hold her?” Ash looks across at me hopeful.
My head shakes… “No, she’s sleeping.”
“It’s okay. Ryan picks her up all the time when she’s sleeping.”
“Yeah, but that’s her Daddy.”
“And you’re her Aunty. Now shush.” Ash cradles Alyssia in her arms and lifts her out. Holding my arms out, I do the same as Ash did and hold her against my chest. The baby was a week old before they finally agreed on one, so she finally has a name and a gorgeous one it is too.
“Hello, beautiful.” She stirs as I speak to her and wriggles in my arms. She nestles her head in the between my arm and chest and falls back to sleep. She smells so nice, I softly kiss her brow and let her lie in my arms.
“I’ll be back in a sec, I’m just going to grab a bottle of milk while she’s still asleep.” I nod to let her know I’ve heard and pick up my phone, I take a selfie of us and keep it in my gallery. If Chris saw that he’d start on about having our own again.
Fifteen minutes later, Ash comes back into the room with a bottle in hand and a jug of water in case she wakes before it’s cool enough to drink. “Do you think I’m wrong Ash?”
“You’ve lost me. Wrong about what?”
“About not having kids.” I forgot for a minute that I was having a conversation in my head and not out loud.
“I think you need to hear what he has to say.”
“I know what he has to say, he wants to get married as soon as he can because he wants to start trying for a baby, but it’s all he talks about. I just don’t think I’d be very good at it and what if that’s all he wants me for is to have his babies?”
“Oh, shut up! When are you going to stop comparing yourself to that witch of a mother? I know it’s hard and I also know that sometimes things follow in the genes, but being a hateful bitch isn’t genetic. Why can’t you break the cycle? You’re nothing like her.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“You’re right it is - but you know why it’s so easy for me?” I shake my head, “because I know you so well, I know you have everything good in you but, Chris and I can tell you until we’re blue in the face but you won’t listen will you.” she shrugs. “Until you believe in yourself and stop all this bullshit that you’re like her then there’s no point us saying anything at all!”
“Thanks!”
“Oh Taylor, I love you but you really do piss me off sometimes. I thought once you two were together all this would stop but I suppose it’s a vicious cycle. You know I think of you as a sister, not a best friend and I’d like to think that you listen to me... so, I’m going to say this with all the love in my heart.” Our eye contact stays fixed on each other’s. “Stop being a selfish arsehole and listen to him, then make that decision. You can have kids whenever you want to.” she says in a soft voice. Ash has always had a way of getting through to me, I guess it’s why we’re so close.
Alyssia begins cry, she works her hand from her blanket and puts her fist in her mouth. “You could set your watch by her. It’s time for a feed, do you want to do it?” Automatically I nod, Ash hands me the bottle and once Ash has shown me how to test the temperature of the milk, I place the teat by her mouth. She soon opens up and starts drinking.
“I thought you wanted to breastfeed?” My eyes never shift from her as I watch her drink it down. Her bright blue eyes fix on me as I stroke the back of my finger down her soft cheek. All my emotions are colliding together not knowing how I should feel. Right now, I think I could do this - be a Mum, but then I think of my own and my own upbringing and it scares me.
“I did try but it didn’t work out, it was distressing her and me so the midwife mentioned bottle-feeding. She’s been fine since and anyway it means I have a break when Ryan is home, he can have some time with her without me having to be here or step in when she needs feeding.”
“I thought you could express it in one of those pump thingies…”
“Breast pump? Yeah you can but they bloody hurt.” I smile as I look up.
“She’s so cute.”
“I think you’re broodier than you make out Miss Kerr.”
“Shut it.”
I have another hour with Ash and Alyssia, talking weddings and the usual shit, what gossip she has and of course she has none so I fill her in about Adam and Darcy. We discuss throwing her a baby shower too so with plans in place for that, I go on my way and wait for Chris to come home.
Chapter Four
Chris
While I’m at work I carry on my search for the perfect wedding venue for Taylor. Although I picked somewhere, they emailed me back the day after saying they couldn’t fit us in, so I’ve found somewhere else. She’s going to love this place, I know it. They have everything. A spa, bike rides and we can get married in the small chapel that they keep for civil ceremonies.
I can’t do this at home, Taylor is way too nosey. She picks up on everything, I’ll be surprised if I can even keep it as a surprise.
I pick up my phone, click on Adam’s number and picks up after three rings.
“Yo!” Adam shouts.
“Why did it take so long to answer?” I frown into the phone until I realise he can’t see me.
“I was busy.”
“Dude, I don’t want to know!”
“Relax, Darcy’s at the garage.”
“I thought she’d finished working?”
“You know her better than that, anyway she said she was going for half a day - we’ll see. What’s up?”
“Can you take a week off the week before Christmas?”
“Depends on deadlines, why?”
“Well, I’ve found somewhere for us to get married. This place is amazing but it’s up in Scotland...”
“Fuck, we’re driving?”
“Nah, we’ll fly to Inverness airport and drive to a place called Aviemore, it’s like a mini resort. According to a route planner it’s a forty-five-minute drive. I’ll tell her we’re having a week away, you lot can travel up a few days later for the wedding. She’ll know nothing.”
“As long as Darcy is okay to fly then I’ll be fine. I can email any deadlines I have. Let me tell her what’s going on first and she can ask the midwife, it’s not a long flight she should be okay.”
“Okay, let me know as soon as you can.”
“Erm, Chris. How are you going to hide this from her? She needs a dress and everything.”
“Little bro, you just leave all this to me. Sometimes she just needs someone to take control... that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking the stress out of her hands. She just needs to say, ‘I do’.”
“And get on the plane…” Adam interrupts.
“Pfft, that’s the easy part. Just let me know what Darcy says and I’ll ask the others.” Cutting the call, I dial Todd’s number next but he’s engaged so I leave a message and wait for him to call me back. I’ll see Ryan later, the only other ones to ask is Mum and Dad, Aidan and Stacey. I know Aidan and Adam, don’t really get along but I’m sure they can for a few days otherwise I may have to kick both of their arses. They’re brothers for fucks sake. I want all my family there so they need to suck it up.
After finishing up at work, I head to my parents and tell them the plan. Todd walks in as I’m finishing up with them. “I was going to ring you in a bit, what’s wrong?” Todd frowns.
“Okay, so you know we want to get married, Taylor seems to be dragging her feet, first the dress then the venue... it’s like she’s finding every reason not to marry me.”
“No way, she’s just nervous. You know what she’s like.”
“Yeah maybe... well I’ve taken it out of her hands, I’ve booked a place in Scotland and it’s got everything. I was thinking of taking her for a week but if you all could come up for a few days before the wedding that would be great. I just don’t want her to be stressed. I was thinking of staying for Christmas if you’re all up for it.”
“It’ll be fine. She’ll come around, o
r you’ll find a way. You always do.” I smile at is his faith in me, the faith in myself is a little harder to believe in.
Mum brings us both a cup of tea in and places it on the table. “Thanks Mum.”
“Anything for my boys.” She smiles happily, then walks out of the room and leaves us to it, probably to make a start on dinner.
So, what have you been up to, I haven’t seen you for a while.”
“Nothing. I’ve been working most of the time, what can I say my life is boring.”
“It’s about time you met someone. I thought out of you and Adam, you would be the one settled down not that joker…”
“Ha, yeah but she does keep him in his place, that’s good to see, but in all fairness, I don’t go out as much now, Adam was the one to drag me out but he’s grounded now.” Todd laughs…. “I may be seeing someone but it’s complicated.”
“I’m here if you need to talk about it.”
“I think you’ve got enough on your plate.”
“Never, not if you need a chat.”
“I may take you up on that...” He looks at me worried, “but not here.”
“Okay,” My eyes narrow at him but I nod anyway. What is it he doesn’t want to share? “Erm, okay then, just give me a ring or a text and we’ll go for a pint or something?”
Todd nods. “Okay, cool. I’ll text you first before I come around.” After making plans with Todd, I kiss my Mum and head home.
“You done much today while I’ve been slaving away at work?” Taylor asks.
“I went around to see my parents and I saw Todd.”
“Oh, they okay?” She asks as I lean against the kitchen side watching her as she cuts up the veg for dinner.
“Yeah, I think so. Well Mum and Dad are…” I tell her as she raises her eyebrows, “have you spoken to Todd much lately?”
“Nope, but I know something's up, I mean I know he’s quiet but he’s never this quiet. Why don’t you try talking to him?”
“I’ve told him if he needs to chat I’ll listen, whether he takes me up on my offer though who knows…”
“Well, at least you’ve put it out there.” She shrugs. “If he comes around I’ll speak to him if you want?”
“I was going to ask that, I know you two are close, he’ll find it easier to speak to you if it’s personal. There’s something going on with him...” She places the knife on the side and turns to me, she rests a hip against the work surface and looks at me. “I’m worried about him sunshine.”
“We are close but maybe he needs you to say something - you’re his older brother he looks up to you.” Her hand cups my cheek gently as she smooths it over the stubble I’m sporting. Leaning forward I kiss her lips softly, my hand cups her hip and pulls her closer to me so her body is flush to mine. I can feel the heat coming from her.
I kiss her again, “Hmm.” I groan. “The day you become my wife is the day I’ll be the happiest man on earth.”
She pulls back slightly to look me in the eye. “What’s the rush?”
“No rush. I just want you to be mine, officially.”
“But I am already. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why do you get defensive every time I speak about us getting married or having kids?”
“Because you keep on all the time. If it’s not a wedding, it’s having a baby. Well, what if I’ve decided that I don’t want a baby!” her eyes close on a sigh as she finishes her sentence.
“I get that you’re scared.”
“How? How do you get that I’m scared? You had a great upbringing, yeah, my dad did his best but that was it, it’s not the same. We’ve had this conversation already and if you don’t stop pushing me then we won’t get married at all.” She shrugs out of my hold and storms toward the bedroom, she slams the door that hard I flinch.
“How the fuck did that happen?” sighing I carry on with the veg and put it in the pan to start dinner while she seethes in the bedroom.
Taylor
“Every time Todd! Every time we start to talk it goes to weddings and babies. For fucks sake! I do want to marry him but I don’t want to feel pressured into it. It’s like all he thinks about at the moment. Surely this should be the other way around, it should be me pressuring him into marriage.”
After last night’s discussion, I went to bed without any dinner and went to sleep. I didn’t sleep very well though. I felt him give me a kiss on top of my head, but I didn’t open my eyes, I wasn’t angry with him - I don’t even know how I felt. What’s wrong with me? I came to see Todd today deciding I need to talk to someone that would give it me straight but also listen to me. I knew we wouldn’t be disturbed either because Chris is working the day shift.
“Chris loves you Taylor, you’re his whole world. Do you know there’s a lot of people that would love to be adored like that? Some people never find it and others - well, others get in complicated relationships where they can’t find the exit door, cut their losses and call it a day. You should be happy he wants you to marry him.”
His gaze fixes on the blank screen of the T.V, losing himself as he sinks into his own mind.
“Earth to Todd.” I snap my fingers until he blinks.
“Sorry. Go on.”
“I am. I never said I didn’t want to marry him but I also know he wants kids. With Ryan and Adam becoming fathers, it’s like he’s turned into an old mother hen and his biological clock has started ticking.” Todd bursts out laughing nearly spitting his coffee everywhere, choking, making me smile, “I thought it was women that got broody.” Todd composes himself from his coughing fit and looks at me seriously.
“Taylor, he would do anything for you, you know that. He’d literally walk to the ends of the earth for you and walk on hot coals if it meant you were at the end of it all. You know if you talk to him seriously and tell him what’s going on in that fucked up head of yours - he’ll listen.”
“Wow, thanks.” I answer sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
“You know what I’m getting at. That’s the only way I can get shit through to you. Not everyone has what you and Chris have. You’re lucky.”
“Right that’s it. Stop talking in code and tell me what the fuck is going with you. I promise to talk to Chris tonight, but you need to open up as well.”
He nods. “More coffee? You may need it.” He says quietly as he walks away from me and towards the kitchen.
He returns a few minutes later, places the coffee down and sits down - his hands fidgeting in his lap. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this nervous… “Come on then, what’s up because I know Chris is worried about you.”
Giving me a tight-lipped smile he breathes in. “I’ve met someone.”
“What? Oh yay!” my hands clapping in excitement. “When do I get to meet her?”
He shrugs his answer. “What do you mean, you don’t know or I’m not gonna meet her?” The frown on his face tells me it’s a lot more complicated than he’s making out.
“I don’t know because I haven’t reached that step yet.”
“Or is there something you’re not telling me?” He nods cautiously. “So, is she married? Got kids already?” his head shakes. “Or both?” My eyes open wide. I wouldn’t take Todd for that kind. Adam, maybe... well not now of course. I quieten down on my inner musings and wait for him to answer.
“Neither and the ‘she’ is a ‘he’.”
“Oh. Okay.” I shrug, “and the problem is?”
“Well, people always look at you different if you don’t have the same preference as everyone else.”
“So, what! Does anyone else know about this?”
He nods. “Adam but that’s it. I’m not even sure if I am Gay. Who knows? I still like women too.”
“What’s his name then?”
“Chad.” He picks up his coffee and takes a sip. I can see know just how much this has been playing on him. The worry lines he had earlier have faded a little as he tells me. “He wants me to come clean with everyone and I�
�ve told him I will but he needs to be patient, I can’t tell people until I’m sure what I am.
“Todd, shall I tell you what you are? You, are one of the most considerate, nicest men I have ever had the pleasure to know even before I met Chris and now I have the honour to be able to call you my family. If he can’t wait for you to sort your head out then he’s not worth it.”
“I haven’t told Mum and Dad yet though. What will they say?”
“Todd, you’re Mum and Dad are so nice you know this, they’re not going to judge you, but you won’t know until you tell them.”
“Will you tell Chris?”
“Really?” I smirk.
“Yeah it’ll just be one less person to tell.” He shrugs.
“Todd, I’d do anything for you, you know that - but I think you should tell him.”
“Please? I’d prefer you to do it; you might soften the blow.” he looks at me with pleading eyes, how can I say no?
“You know you’re worrying for nothing, don’t you? Chris will be fine with it.” he nods as he chews on his lip. “So will your parents.” I sigh heavily and groan... “Okay, fine. I’ll do it, but only because it’s you...”
“Thanks Tay. I owe you one.”
“No, you don’t. What you need to do is bring Chad to meet me so I can kick his arse.”
“So, forgetting about my problems for a little bit - are you going to speak to Chris about your issues?”
“Yesss. I’ll talk to him.”
“Good.”
Chapter Five
Chris
“What the fuck’s up with you, you moody bastard?” Ryan asks smirking.
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“There’s only one person in this world that can make you frown like that.” Looking at Ryan, I raise an eyebrow and wait for his words of wisdom or his know it all facts. “Taylor! What has she done now?”
“Yes, you’re right, it’s Taylor. The fucking god damn stubborn woman that she is - she won’t talk to me. You know her, you know what she’s like.” I pause, but when I don’t get an answer I go on ranting. “She doesn’t want kids. Not that we didn’t already know this but... I thought, well, I thought when Ash had Alyssia and knowing there’s another one coming along soon - she’d change her mind, get a little broody and want our own. But no. In fact, she went on to tell me that if I kept pressuring her she wouldn’t marry me at all.”