“No, not really.” Long locks of caramel silk swayed around her face as she shook her head in answer to his question.
When their eyes met, Travis was suddenly transported back in time to the day he met her. To this day, he had never met a woman who captivated him the way Kylie had from the moment he laid eyes on her. They’d both been young when they first met, her much more so than he, but there was something about her that spoke to him back then, much as it did now.
The way she had been walking down by the lake, her feet bare and her long hair pulled back with the sun shining down on her sun kissed skin... He’d thought she was an angel. In her cutoff jeans and sleeveless white blouse, there’d been something significantly innocent about her. Until she smiled at him. The way her blue eyes twinkled as she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth rocked him to his core.
Just like now.
From that day forward, Travis had spent as much time with her as he possibly could. It was an instant friendship, but the lust that lingered bloomed like a wildfire and Travis never was able to resist his desire for her. Unfortunately, he’d gotten in way over his head long before he accepted the fact that he was different.
Even at twenty-four Travis had known he needed more, but when he met Kylie, he tried to convince himself that he was wrong. No matter how many times he told himself that she was more than enough for him, he never could get over the intense fascination he had with…
Travis shook off the thought, frowning as he stared at the walls of his resort. He realized he was in the same situation now. Between Kylie and Gage, he was battling his own needs as well as worrying about what his depravity would do to two people like them.
Ok, so food wasn’t a good idea. The images flashing through his mind were making his heart race and his blood steam in his veins, and he was pretty sure he couldn’t have eaten even if he had to.
For the first time in as long as he could remember, Travis was nervous. About many things. One being the fact that Kylie was suddenly back in his life, standing beside him and they were evidently going to talk about a few things they’d never discussed. The main one being why he walked out of her life.
Trying to hide his sudden uneasiness, Travis gripped Kylie’s hand more firmly. “What do you say we get out of here?”
When she nodded her agreement, he helped her back to the truck, making sure he was right beside her to catch her if she stumbled. When they made it to the truck, he helped her in before shutting the passenger door and taking a long, deep breath.
Finding a place where no one would interrupt them was going to take a little creative thinking, especially in a town where everyone knew who he was, but at least it gave him something to focus on.
By the time he rounded the truck, he’d come up with an idea. He knew of only one place that would provide the seclusion necessary for them to talk and hopefully hash out a decade worth of questions that he was sure this woman had.
The lake was his only option.
Chapter Seventeen
♂♀
Once they were back in the heart of town, Travis took the path off of the main road, heading down to the hidden spot that he and his brothers and their friends had claimed as their own when they were mere teenagers. These days he knew no one frequented the spot, so he wasn’t expecting to run into anyone. Since it looked like rain, he figured it only improved his chances of total seclusion, and as he pulled down the dirt path that would take them almost to the water’s edge, he wasn’t disappointed.
Thanks to the sinister gray clouds looming overhead, Travis chose not to get out, although he’d much prefer to sit on the tailgate and listen to the water as it churned against the bank within the small cove hidden by an overhang of trees.
Once he was parked, he killed the engine, and the two of them sat in silence for a few minutes. It was odd that they could manage not to say anything, even though there were numerous questions lingering in the air between them. So many Travis was sure he’d never be able to answer them all.
When he started feeling a little restless, unsure exactly what he wanted to say to Kylie, he flipped on the radio, trying to fill some of the silence. As he watched the turbulent, dark water, he let his mind drift off to the last time he saw her, ten years ago.
The one day of his life he regretted more than any other.
“I’m sorry, Kylie. I wish it could be different. I just…” Travis didn’t know how to continue, found it difficult to come up with the words to express the gut wrenching agony he was in. But it had been his decision, so the least he could do was explain why he was leaving.
“What do you mean you’re sorry? What the hell does that even mean?”
Travis wasn’t sure how to answer her question. Either of them. Staring down at Kylie, with her honey gold hair and baby blue eyes and perfect, angelic features, he felt like a complete and total asshole.
Which he was.
He really was.
Sorry wasn’t a strong enough word for what he felt, but he couldn’t think of any other way to express himself. This was the hardest thing he ever had to do, and honestly, how do you let down a woman easily? Especially one that you up and married less than three weeks ago.
It wasn’t easy, that was for damn sure.
“Look,” he began, but the tears he saw welling in her beautiful blue eyes made the knot in his chest tighten. Moving closer, he pulled her up against him, pressing his lips against the top of her head. She was so damn small, yet she fit in his arms perfectly.
And wasn’t that the damn problem?
It was like she was made specifically for him, yet there were things about him that he knew she would never understand. Hell, he didn’t even understand them. He hated what he’d done, hated even more that he was going to shatter her heart in the process, but Travis had no idea what he was supposed to do except walk away and pray like hell she could move on with her life before he had the chance to ruin it.
“Don’t cry,” he pleaded, her sobs making her whole body shake, even wrapped securely in his arms.
“I don’t understand. Why’d you marry me if you didn’t want to be with me?” Kylie whispered.
“It’s not that I don’t want to be with you,” he explained, knowing he wasn’t making any sense. And that was the truth, he did want to be with her, but he also wanted to be with someone else. There was still a pull that Travis hadn’t been able to let go of.
“There are things about me that you don’t understand, baby. I’m not the man you think I am.”
“What?” she asked, jerking away from him as confusion obscured her features. “Are you a serial killer? Or... or...” Stopping the tears by pressing the heel of her hands against her eyes, Kylie continued after a resigned sigh, “Travis, I don’t understand.”
“You will one day, I promise.”
He prayed she would understand.
He prayed that this was the right decision, and he wouldn’t live the rest of his life regretting walking away from her. He loved her, he wouldn’t deny that. He’d spent every minute of free time he had with her for the last year and honestly, he thought marrying her was the logical thing to do. It sure felt like it at the time because no matter what he tried to tell himself, Travis loved her.
Looking down at the floor, his heart slowly cracked inside his chest as he prepared to do the unthinkable. He was walking away from her for the last time because he couldn’t get over the fact that he was lusting after someone other than her. It didn’t matter that the other person was a man, or that he wasn’t the least bit interested in what Travis was looking for either, or that nothing had happened between the two of them.
But it was best for Kylie if he walked away now, he knew it was. She didn’t deserve to be tied to him, not like this. He was so damned confused about what he wanted, and Kylie Prescott deserved something better than what he could give her.
She wasn’t the type of woman who could handle the desires he was plagued with. She wasn’t the type of woman who would understan
d that he needed everything she had to give him plus some. Things she wasn’t even capable of giving him. Things she wasn’t even capable of understanding.
Picking up the bag he’d packed a few minutes before, Travis turned to look back at her one last time. As much as it pained him to walk away, he had to do this. For her sake. And his.
One day, he was pretty sure she would thank him for it. He just wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to get over her.
Travis wondered if today would be the day she would thank him for letting her go because he damn sure hadn’t ever gotten over her.
“You wanted to talk?” Kylie’s voice echoed through his brain, making him realize he’d run out of time. He owed her the truth. Leaning forward with his forearms resting on the steering wheel and his fingers linked together, Travis continued to gaze out the window.
“Did you ever have any questions?” He knew the question was asinine, but he was so unsure of how he should go about this or even what he wanted to tell her that he’d blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Did I have questions?” Kylie sounded almost hysterical. “Are you kidding? For months, I tried to figure out what it was that I did to push you away. I never got past blaming myself because I had nothing but questions.”
Yep, he was an idiot.
Travis took a deep breath. “Have you ever had the feeling that you were different? That what you wanted or needed wasn’t the same as everyone else?”
Kylie didn’t respond, but he could sense that she was still looking at him, so he kept talking.
“It was never you, I promise you that,” he continued, not looking over at her.
“So, what? Are you going to sit here and explain it all to me? Will that clear your conscience? It’s been ten years, Travis. Don’t tell me you have trouble sleeping at night because you think you’re different.”
He peered over at her, pinning her with a glare. Then he snapped. “I don’t have trouble sleeping at night. I can’t fucking sleep at night. I haven’t been able to sleep for ten fucking years, dammit. You think this was fucking easy for me? That walking away from you was the end to my problems?”
Jerking his gaze back to the churning waves in front of him, the agitated water resembled the storm of emotions that was building inside of his chest.
He doubted she would understand, but walking away from her had been the hardest thing he’d ever done. There were many nights that he wondered where they would be today if he’d had the guts to talk to her rather than run away. If he would have accepted himself for who he was back then, rather than thinking she was too damn young and naïve to understand. To this day, Travis wished he had told her that she was everything to him, but still not enough. Except that would’ve hurt her so much more than his walking away.
He knew Kylie. He knew she wouldn’t have been able to understand, and she damn sure wouldn’t have been able to share him. Or herself.
If Travis thought for one second he would be able to accept that he could be happy shutting off that part of him that needed something more than she was even equipped to give him, he would’ve stayed with her. That was why he married her in the first place.
He wanted to be the man she needed. He wanted to be her man period.
He just wasn’t.
“You should’ve trusted me. You could have told me before you married me.” Kylie’s whisper was loud in the enclosed truck.
Turning to face her, Travis felt that ever present anger bubbling to the surface. “Trusted you? Do you really think this was about trust? Darlin’, you can’t even begin to understand what I’ve gone through since I left you that day. It was better for you, I promise.”
“What was better for me? That you married me and then left me completely alone? That you let me fall in love with you so deeply that my heart actually hurt for months after that? You can tell yourself whatever you want to make it easier for you, but you’re delusional, Travis Walker.”
Travis couldn’t resist, he jolted across the seat, pulling her against him and gripping the back of her head, holding her so that she had to look him straight in the eyes. The feel of her silky hair as it grazed the back of his knuckles was pure torture. As was seeing the sudden uncertainty in her eyes.
Letting his mouth linger just above her lips, he closed his eyes and inhaled the sweetest fucking woman he’d ever had the pleasure of touching. When he felt as though he could control himself, he opened his eyes again and looked at her.
“I wanted you more than my next fucking breath, Kylie. I wanted to bury myself in your body and never let you go. I wanted you beside me for the rest of my damn life.”
“But you couldn’t stay with me, right? Because I wasn’t what you needed? So, if that’s the case, why did you tell me you aren’t gay? I saw the way you kissed Gage last night,” she sounded breathless, but there was no fear in her eyes.
Damn her. She was just as fearless now as she was back then. Kylie Prescott was feisty, and she made his fucking dick hard with how much she thought she knew and how much she believed she could handle. And that was the key word – thought. Kylie might pretend to be bulletproof, but what he was about to tell her was going to be the true test.
“Believe what you want, Kylie, but I’m telling you, I’m not gay.”
“No?” Her breath tickled his lips and Travis wanted to press his mouth to hers, to taste her again, but he knew as soon as he did, he’d never be able to let her go. And he wasn’t any different now than he was then. He was still the same man. The one who wanted more than he deserved.
“Making love to you healed my soul, Kylie. Being with you was more than I ever dreamt it to be, but it… wasn’t enough.”
Kylie tried to jerk away from him, but he didn’t let her go. His hands cupped the back of her head, his thumbs scraping along her jaw gently as he forced her to look at him.
Easing closer, Travis let his lips lightly brush hers, hearing her breath catch, absorbing the tremor in her fingers where they were latched onto his forearms. “Would I want to kiss you if I was gay, Kylie? Would I want to strip you naked and spread you out right here on this seat and bury my tongue in your pussy?”
Her eyes widened, but Kylie didn’t say a word. He could practically feel her body overheating as his words turned her on. He knew they did. She could deny it all day long, but Travis got to her.
“I’m not gay. I’m bisexual, Kylie.” The words spilled from his mouth on a rush, and his gut twisted as he waited for her reaction. Waited for her to push him away.
“Bisexual? Meaning you…” She obviously didn’t understand what he was trying to tell her. Or maybe she did, and she just couldn’t process the words.
“There has always been a part of me that longed for more than just one woman or one man,” he explained, watching to see if the light would come on, if she would realize what he was saying.
“I wasn’t enough,” she whispered, but she wasn’t asking a question. It sounded as though she were working the details out in her head. “You mean you’re interested in a…”
“Threesome. Polyamory. Ménage. Call it whatever you want.”
Travis waited for a reaction. Waited for her to say something. He expected her to tell him he was crazy and that the only thing he was interested in was fucking other people.
She said none of those things.
Pulling back, Travis allowed a little space between them, but he kept his hands where they were. He wasn’t ready to let go of her. Not yet. Not after ten miserable years of aching to feel her soft, smooth skin against his fingertips. A full decade of trying to lose himself in both women and men, desperate to find even a trace of what he found with this woman.
God help him. He had to kiss her.
Without thinking, Travis leaned closer, letting his mouth brush hers gently, his tongue easing between the seam of her lips until she opened for him. As soon as the invitation presented itself, Travis delved inside, pulling her to him as he shifted so that he could go deeper,
taste more of her. The soft little moan that tore from her throat spurred him on, and it wasn’t until she whimpered that Travis pulled away.
As he continued to cup her head in his hands, they stared at one another. The look of disbelief on her face contradicted the hazy lust he could see in her eyes. She wanted him. She wanted him as much as he wanted her, but she was more cautious than he was.
“You couldn’t tell me this before you married me?” she asked long seconds later, her voice dripping with incredulity.
Bucket. Ice water. Thank you very much.
That caused him to let her go.
“And what would you have told me, Kylie? Would you have put your arms around me and said that it was all right for me to feel like that? That you’d be willing to share me? Share yourself with another man?”
That statement hit home for her because her eyes widened as realization dawned. He gave her a minute to work out the details in her head before he asked his next question.
“Why didn’t you divorce me years ago? Why now?”
Even when Kylie glared at him with contempt, she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. From her heart shaped face, her pretty bow shaped lips, and hair so golden brown it sparkled, the woman was heart wrenchingly beautiful.
Kylie glanced down at her hands, then back at his face.
“I didn’t have the money,” she mumbled, glancing out the window as she paused on a breath. “I didn’t want to see you again. I did want to see you again. I... You name it, Travis. I came up with one excuse after another for the last decade. I didn’t want to face you again because I wanted to see you so bad it physically hurt.” She paused. “It still hurts.”
Her honesty humbled him. She sounded sad, yet stoic. “I’ve thought about you every day since then,” he told her, glancing out the front window so that he didn’t have to look into her eyes as he said the words. She had a way of slaying him with just a look.
No one who knew him would ever say that he was much of a talker. In fact, Travis was pretty sure he’d said more today than he had in the entire past week. Kylie brought that out in him. He remembered the times they spent together when they were both much younger and although he didn’t share much about himself personally, he found it easy to talk to her about certain things. It just felt right.
Travis (Alluring Indulgence, #3) Page 15