Until I Fall

by Claudia Burgoa

  “Yes, I’m familiar with him and his mother’s condition. How is she doing?” The genuine concern in her voice takes me aback. Why does a PR person care?

  “Not well,” I respond, jealousy crippling through my veins. Who is this woman? One of the bimbos Anderson slept with? Fuck, that’s a petty thought. Where is that coming from? I’m tired and missing him. Give the report and see if you can contact him, then hang up. “We believe she doesn’t have much time left. She’s starting to mix reality with her past.”

  “Mase, is Anderson on the field? Can you bring him back?” She grunts at his response. “Is there something we can do to help while he’s absent?”

  “No, I have everything. And we can care for her during his absence. I worry that he won’t see her before . . .” I can’t say it. She can’t leave so soon, not after we have found our routine. What will happen to our daily talks? What book will I read when she’s gone? The family recipes she’s passing on from memory . . . what’s going to happen to all of them? I need more time with her. “I just feel like he should be back soon.”

  “Can you give me a moment? I’m placing you on hold.”

  It takes minutes for her to come back to the line. “Thank you for waiting. Look, I understand this is pressing. I’m too familiar with what you and Anderson are going through—losing a parent. I can’t tell you where he is or when he’ll be back. However, Mason assures me that this stage of the mission is almost over and he’ll be arriving home soon. If things worsen or you need anything, please don’t hesitate to contact him. You can text this number, Mason is better versed in the art of texting.”

  “Thank you for your help.”

  “I’m glad to help. And please, when Ms. Hawkins passes, call us too. Anderson is important to the company, and we would want to be there for him.”

  ANDERSON

  TWO SUDDEN EXPLOSIONS pierce the sound of the jungle. They came from the north. Tiago and my men draw their arms after the first explosion. The men from the cartel we’re doing business with are pointing their weapons at us. I remain unarmed, hands held up staring at Joaquin Amador, their leader. The plan is going accordingly. Only a few more minutes and it should be over. “We didn’t fire that. It would be wise if your men lower their weapons before there’s a massacre, and only the two of us are left.”

  A man lunges toward me, raising his gun toward my head. I duck and hear a second gunshot. The man whips both his hands up to his head falling after the impact of a second bullet. Taking cover, I pull my gun and begin targeting the enemy. Amador lays on the ground with two holes in his head, Tiago’s specialty. Mission accomplished.

  Amador is a former government prosecutor who deserted his life and went to work for the Olmecas, a cartel stationed on the southern Mexican border. The man planted moles along the Mexican army and the agencies killing anyone who would try to obstruct his way. His next plan was to run for governor of Yucatan, a southern state in his country. His death was paid by the government, but taking him down opened the door to bigger fish. The Gulf cartel is looking for a foreign group to join forces with them. With this operation finished, I have won their trust.

  “Ten minutes left, gentlemen. I recommend you head to the helicopter,” Harrison’s voice comes through the transmitter. “The DEA is picking up their own men.”

  “Sir, we’re on our way out,” I salute Vincent Gore, pull my gun again and shoot the man he’s handcuffing. “No survivors. We agreed.”

  “We want to bring them home for questioning,” he growls.

  Tiago shoots two more men. “With all due respect, sir, our agreement stated that you can’t bring souvenirs home. One of them learns about you, your guys or us and they will retaliate.”

  “We would be careful.” His smug posture makes me want to shoot him too.

  “I don’t give a fuck if you endanger yourself or your family,” I roar pulling him by his collar. He’s about five-eleven, shaved head like Tiago, but too lean to take me down. Staring down at him, I give him an ultimatum. “But I do when your stupidity puts my men in danger. I’ll have your job by tomorrow morning.”

  “You’re a nobody. You’ll be out of the job before you touch American soil.”

  I could kill Gore. Many things can happen during a mission, men die. I don’t. Knowing he’s out of the job will serve him better. “You can have my job, but can you handle it? I advise you run, there’s one more detonation coming this way.”

  We rush through the thick greenery. The third explosion happens when we reach the helicopter.

  “The third explosion, we are done with these fuckers,” Tiago’s voice comes through my headset as we load our equipment aboard the aircraft.

  “We have the merchandise, boss,” one of my men waiting inside the helicopter confirms. “The Gulf cartel will be waiting with the weapons in Texas.”

  “Did we send proof?” I question Tiago who oversaw Amador’s execution personally.

  “Yes.” He sighs and shrugs, cussing under his breath, pointing at the fire spreading in horror.

  Me: Need you to control the fire.

  Bradley: Already have people working on that. What happened to Gore?

  Me: He already whined?

  Bradley: Just answer.

  Me: The fucker was trying to bring some men alive for questioning.

  Bradley: I trust you took care of it.

  Me: Of course, boss. What are you going to do with him?

  Bradley: Don’t worry about him.

  Me: When do we take the next step?

  Bradley: Wings is flying you back home.

  Fuck! I cover my face.

  Me: How is Mom?

  I text. My hands tremble as I wait for an answer.

  Bradley: Your girlfriend called on Sunday. Your mom isn’t doing well. Take all the time you need, just stay within range. The Gulf cartel will be contacting you. I’ll redirect their calls to your phone.

  Me: Thank you, Bradley.

  Everyone has good days and bad days, good thoughts and agonizing thoughts about their future. Here I am driving through the highway toward my mother. Dragging every mile, I pushed closer to her. I’m regretting my absence. The time I was away took from our last days together. Did I waste the opportunity to be with her? Then I go back to the days I spent away from her. The time I spent hunting men who are no longer able to kidnap women and sell them to prostitution rings. They’re the same people who won’t sell any more weapons to the terrorists. Mom doesn’t understand how it works without working for the government, but thinks that my job matters if at the end of the day I save lives.

  Once I reach Aspen’s house, I prepare myself for what I might encounter. When I left Mom, she looked frail, working hard to keep her weight up as the doctor recommended. Her dark hair is thin, gray, and brittle. I remember when she was diagnosed. Full of hope, she swore to fight until her last breath, and if cancer won, she’d have gone a fighter. Once her body stopped responding to the treatment, she continued fighting. Not for her life, but for her happiness. Cancer wouldn’t take away the joy she experiences every day; the smell of the roses, the feel of the sunshine on her skin, and her friends or the love of her sons.

  My therapist told me that in the battle between cancer and the patient, it’s the loved ones who lose the most. They can’t only watch from the sidelines, cheering and waiting for the outcome with hopes that it’s a happy one. Mom’s isn’t a happy ending. Now we wait for it to unravel. My mind is ready. My heart is not.

  Mom sits on the porch, on the brown wicker couch. On her lap is a purple blanket. Her head’s covered with a pink beanie and she wears an ivory colored poncho. Hugo lays on the floor next to the couch. Aspen and Brynn sit on the other chairs both holding mugs and laughing.

  Maybe something is in the air, but Mom looks radiant and full of energy. She’s thinner than the last time I saw her. The dark circle under her eyes are darker, but her smile brightens my afternoon. We made it to today. Neither one of us had any guarantees of seeing each
other again. And yet, here we are.

  “How’s the most beautiful mother in the world?” I lean in to kiss her.

  “Flattery won’t help you, Anderson.” She caresses my bruised jaw and kisses my stitched eyebrow. “What happened?”

  “Will it make you feel better if I tell you the other guy looks worse?” He’s burnt beyond recognition. I laugh when she shakes her head. “How are you feeling?”

  “Too tired.” Mom tilts her chin to the left. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  The pang inside my chest constricts my breathing. Those words sound final. “Well, I’m back and ready to spend all my time with you.”

  “Would you mind taking me back to bed?”

  In seconds, two sets of arms are taking the blanket away her while the other moves Hugo away from the couch. For a moment, I had forgotten about Aspen and Brynn.

  “Victoria, can you please help us?” Aspen calls through a headset she carries. “We’re taking Sophia back into her room.”

  Victoria and another nurse I haven’t seen before come out to meet us.

  “Finally, it’s time for the two of you to take a break,” Victoria says eyeing Aspen and Brynn who ignore her.

  The other nurse takes the IV cart next to the couch and roll it slightly before turning to look at me. “Ready whenever you are, sir.”

  “She’s still in the downstairs room.” Aspen opens the screen and then the main door. She holds an iPad, a mug and the blanket. “Victoria will follow. Brynn will get some chicken noodle soup for her while I get some fresh, warm blankets.”

  “Victoria, can you massage her legs, please?” Brynn adds, making her way into the house holding the rest of the stuff they had with them.

  I take Mom into my arms, she’s lighter than a feather. There’s not much left of Mom inside this fragile body. “Are you eating well?”

  “You know why I don’t weigh much?” Mom smiles as if she has a big secret and will share it with me because I’m her favorite. Her hand trembles as it reaches out, touching my cheek, wiping away the tears escaping from my eyes. When did I start crying? “It’s because the only part left of me is my soul. It’s light, but able to carry all the love I have accumulated throughout the years. That’s all I’m taking when I leave.”

  “Mom.” I press her closer to me, trying to keep her alive.

  “I met him,” Mom speaks.

  Aspen shrugs, shaking her head.

  “He’s beautiful,” Mom continues. “Stop searching for what you have in front of you, Anderson. Have faith, open your heart and learn to live.”

  Her eyes close as I put her on top of the bed. “Hugo, where is he? I like when he’s by my side.”

  Victoria helps me with the sheets and starts massaging Mom. The other nurse adjusts the IV, leaving without a word.

  “How was your mission?”

  I disclose what I can. It’s not much, but she hangs onto every word I say until she falls asleep and Victoria leaves too. The silence in the room kills me. It feels like hours before Aspen enters with some blankets and I notice her changing Mom’s socks.

  “Damn,” Aspen draws small circles on her forehead with her index finger. “She hasn’t eaten today.”

  “She ate some of your M&Ms,” Brynn enters carrying a tray. “Crackers and her tea.”

  “How is she doing?” I ask.

  Aspen doesn’t answer my question, and her eyes are lost somewhere.

  “I’m officially relieving you from duty, Aspen,” Brynn whispers. “You’re too close to the case and tired.”

  “You both are done until you sleep at least eight hours straight.” Victoria comes back holding a plastic bag with water inside. “We have an agreement. From this moment forward neither one of you is allowed to treat the patient. I’ll have more nurses within the next hour.”

  “Did you just fire me?” Aspen starts laughing, Brynn joins her. “She fired us.”

  Yes, I see it. Her eyes are droopy and they have black circles underneath them.

  “I want the two of you out of this room.” Pulling Aspen toward my body, I nuzzle her neck feeling better having her with me again. Victoria glares at me pressing her lips. “They haven’t slept much in the past couple of days. Your mom is sleeping, but I’m giving her nutrients through her IV along with morphine.”

  “I’ll take her to bed,” I say, dragging Aspen with me. “How are you, gorgeous?”

  “Been better, and you, handsome?”

  We arrive at her bed, and I realize that Brynn is already on top of it, Hugo right next to her. “Bedmates?”

  “We’ve been waiting for you,” Aspen mumbles, her eyes closing. “Wake me up if there’s any change. I wish I could stay next to you, but I’m done.”

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  “Love you too.” She gives me a chaste kiss before climbing into the bed. Covering her with the comforter, I leave them behind and going back to Mom.

  I stayed up all night reading The Alchemist to Mom, who has been in and out of consciousness, drifting from a state of dream and reality where she’d ask if my brother was with us or tell me that Dad waited for her. That my children are excited, waiting for me to call them. She makes no sense, but I nod and smile at her. I’m thankful for the last moments we’ll spend together. The next morning, Aspen and Brynn come to relieve me. They suggested I take a shower and sleep for a few hours. Mom needed me rested.

  “The worst is yet to come,” Brynn said holding Aspen’s hand.

  Any other day I would’ve declined their suggestion. Today I had to recharge myself. I finished an exhausting mission. It had been only a few hours after I had set my head on the pillow when I sit up at that voice coming through the door and Mom’s words: I have my boys with me.

  Grabbing a pair of jeans and a shirt from the duffle bag Aspen stored in her closet, I saunter down the stairs and find him standing in front of Aspen.

  “Your invitation to this house has been rescinded,” Aspen yells at him, her torso leaning forward and her hand pointing at the door.

  “I don’t give a fuck. I’m taking her with me, today.” Carter’s voice resonates through the walls. “You have no right to keep my mother in your house.”

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” I stand between him and Aspen, pinning him down with my gaze. He steps backward, the wall breaks his fall.

  “Aspen called to let me know Mom’s not doing well. It’s time for her to go home with me.” He lifts his gaze trying to level our gazes, but it’s hard as he’s a couple of inches shorter than me.

  “Leave,” I order him.

  Aspen puts herself between us, separating us. “No. Sophia wants the two of you with her. I need you to forget your feud for a few days and try to get along for her.”

  “Do you mind keeping your voice low?” Brynn suggests coming out of Mom’s bedroom. “Her eyes flutter each time you scream. She can hear you.”

  “If you can’t get along, at least ignore each other while you’re in my house,” Aspen concludes going back to Mom’s room.

  My eyes narrow and my hands shake as I close the space between us, lowering my head just enough to make sure he hears me. “I want you out of here after Mom is gone. If I see you snorting any shit, I’ll kill you.”

  “Hawk!” Aspen calls me, and I rush to her. “I said try to get along. Threats aren’t allowed either.”

  Mom doesn’t talk about Carter, she hasn’t told Aspen or Brynn that he’s a drug addict, that she almost lost her house because my brother took out a loan to finance his lifestyle. I saved the house and to make sure he wouldn’t try the same thing again, I put it under my name. The low-life doesn’t care whether Mom dies today or tomorrow, he’s expecting to cash in from Mom’s death. He won’t. For the past ten years, I’ve been supporting her, and the hell if I will fund his addiction.

  “Stay clean,” I warn him turning around and heading upstairs for my clothes.

  Victoria creates a chart for Aspen and Brynn so they can rest whi
le caring for Mom. She tried to tell me when I should sleep, but I don’t plan on moving from Mom’s side.

  We spent three days by her side without many changes. Aspen and Brynn talked about their college years, their experiences while driving in ambulances, and all about the two vacations they’d taken since they started college. Even when her eyes wouldn’t open, Mom smiled during the funny moments. Carter and I remained quiet, he only came a few hours during those days.

  “I never asked you, how was the mission?” Aspen asks as she massages Mom’s feet to help with her circulation.

  “It was a success, or I wouldn’t be here.” My stupid comment grants me a growl. “It’s not over yet, there are stages, the next one happened last night. Tiago was able to lead it successfully.”

  “While you were in my room with your computer?”

  I nod. It was a team effort. I was able to direct them through the communicator and see everything as it happened with the camera Tiago wore.

  “Brynn and I found a couple of options for our offices,” she blurts. “Both in Seattle, I’m selling the house.”

  Her head drops. “Maybe the apartment too.”

  Lifting my hand, I wiggle my fingers hoping she’ll move closer to me. She sits on my lap resting her head on top of my shoulder. “Is this sudden?”

  “No, we’ve been talking about it. But Sophia has awakened something inside me. What’s the point of following a schedule and outlining your life when we don’t have a goal?”

  “Those are big words.” I sprinkle kisses on her jaw, then take her lips. “Do you really want to sell the apartment?”

  “No, but I have to.” She doesn’t hesitate to answer. “What’s next for you?”

  “There’s another stage to the mission,” I repeat. “After that, it’s up in the air. It all depends on how successful it is.”

  She smiles and nods. “Let me finish massaging her, and I’ll go to bed after.”