by Carrie Adams
All you’d have to do was find them a happy home.
She said home, not family.
“Claudia seems to have moved on from that…” I wasn’t convincing myself and, by the look on Francesca’s face, I wasn’t convincing her either. Nine years of trying for children could not compete with a couple of weeks in a Singapore spa, however good the salt scrub was.
“Just think about it. If you are going to have a battle with Helen’s mother then you will need to present her with a realistic alternative.”
Meaning I’m not a realistic alternative?
Meaning “Oh.”
I felt tears welling up again.
“I’m sorry,” said Francesca, “I didn’t come over here to make you cry.” It wasn’t her. It was everything. She took my hand. “You’re obviously doing a grand job here, but, darling, do you really want to take this on permanently?”
I shrugged.
“Are you sure that’s what the twins need?”
I tried to tell her that I hadn’t been thinking I would take them, but it would have been a lie. Why shouldn’t I look after them? We’d make an odd family, but I knew now that odd families worked just as well, if not better. I couldn’t think of anything to say.
Francesca went on. “After all they’ve been through, what they’re going to need is some serious stability. Tessa, this is a very big decision and, you’re going to hate me for this, but you have a tendency to be a bit whimsical when it comes to commitment.”
But I’d changed, couldn’t she see I’d changed?
“And don’t you have your own life to sort out? Like going back to work?”
I sighed. Going back to work didn’t seem like such an appealing prospect at that moment. I was getting used to having other things fill my day. I kissed Bobby on his round, fat cheek and he giggled. “No one knows what’s going to happen,” I said. That was true, at least.
Francesca didn’t stay for very long after that. I was quite relieved after she left; I felt her beady eye on me every time I did anything for the boys. Rose was much less judgmental. I stopped cleaning the bottle and leaned against the sink. What was I doing? What on earth was I doing? I had to get out of there. I had to have time to think, away from all these distractions.
As soon as Rose walked back through the door I told her I had to get home. She assured me she could handle putting the boys to bed on her own that evening. She’d done it every weekend since they’d been born, they would be in good hands. I’d been at Helen’s for four days. I’d locked myself away for four days. I needed to go home. I needed some space. I needed to regroup and get some perspective. I needed time to think about what Francesca had said: if I was to fight Marguerite successfully, I needed a plausible alternative. I would love those boys until my dying day, but was that enough for a court of law? If I wasn’t good enough in the eyes of my friends, would I be good enough in the eyes of the law? Was anyone?
Another memory came back to me. This time it was my own voice. He has a problem with drugs, and a problem with booze. What court in the land would give a parent like that the twins? Well, I didn’t have a problem with drugs and drink, but I wasn’t squeaky-clean either. As for Helen…My words must have felt like daggers in her side. I’d only wanted to reassure her.
I put the key in my own front door for the first time in an age, closed it behind me and threw myself down on the sofa. I stared up at the ceiling. Had my reassuring words pushed her over the edge? Was this my doing? What court in the land would give a parent like that the twins? None, she’d replied. I could not imagine how desperate and alone she must have felt at that point. It was me…I had pushed her over the edge. I had to think very carefully about what I did next.
A couple of hours later I called the solicitor. “It’s Tessa King,” I said to the receptionist. I waited for the call to be put through.
“Hi, Tessa, I was just leaving,” said Helen’s solicitor.
Where’d the day gone? I’d been up since dawn. “Apparently there was an announcement in the paper about a funeral. Do you know anything about this?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t understand. What about the post mortem?”
“It was all done yesterday. I think Marguerite put some pressure on them to move quickly, but it was just routine.”
“What did they find?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“No. What were you expecting them to find?”
“It makes no sense,” I said, not answering his question.
“No, it doesn’t. What they’re saying, though no one will know for sure, is that she fell asleep at the wheel. Neil was drunk, but everyone knew that, so Helen would have had to drive. It was a long way home, no one to chat to, sadly it happens all the time. The insurance will be paid out.”
“Insurance?”
“Helen’s life insurance. The boys aren’t going to have to worry about money.”
“The boys were never going to have to worry about money.”
“Helen had funds, yes, but everything is wrapped up in Hong Kong businesses. She had capital. Not cash.”
I didn’t really care about the details. “So she hadn’t been drinking, or…” What was I going to say?
“It was an accident, Tessa. Nothing more. At least the boys will be OK. Neil didn’t have any money. If it had been drunk-driving, the insurance company wouldn’t have paid out.”
I was stunned. I’d been so sure. The pills, the bottles…Had she stopped? Was she sober? Had she really fallen asleep at the wheel and driven into a tree, or had she, in a moment of madness, driven into a tree? Worse still, had she been in control enough to sober up in order to be able to drive into a tree? This had to stop. I was sending myself mad. I would never know the answer, and perhaps it was better not to.
“What about the funeral?”
“I’m sorry. Marguerite got her way, as expected.”
Yeah, this had Marguerite written all over it.
“Have you decided what you’re going to do about the twins?”
“I’m working on it,” I said.
“Well, now you know how quickly Marguerite can move, you ought to hurry up.”
“It’s all right for her, I’ve been changing nappies for days. My hands have gone all scaly from the amount of Carex I’ve washed in…”
Why was I telling this man about my hands? Bloody Marguerite was more conniving than I thought. Of course she’d been happy to leave the twins with me, she’d known full well I wouldn’t have a moment to myself.
“Knowing Marguerite, she’ll make her move as soon as the funeral is over,” said the solicitor.
“The 28th,” I said. “When is that?” I couldn’t remember what month it was. I glanced out of the window, across to Battersea Park; the leaves were turning golden brown. It was nearly the end of October. In two short months my life had been shaken like a snow globe and the flakes were far from settled. No wonder I didn’t know what day of the week it was.
“Three days,” said the solicitor.
Three days. I had three days to find a happy home.
It was pointless, I knew, but I fired off another email into outer space in the hope that Al and Claudia would pick up my distress signals. I couldn’t fight this battle without troops, but my troops were gadding about on an elephant somewhere, finally having fun. Was it fair of me to summon them home? No. But I needed them. They were the only ones who could back me up. It was six in the evening but the conversation with the solicitor had finished me off. I went to my bedroom, lay on the bed and fell fast asleep.
I awoke from a nightmare, sweating, fully clothed and completely disorientated, to the sound of my doorbell buzzing. My arm was numb from sleeping on it. My watch had left an imprint on my face. It was dark outside. The doorbell buzzed again, followed by a knock. I couldn’t think of one good reason why someone would be knocking at my door at two o’clock in the morning. Not one. I sat up and put my feet on the ground. The knocking
came again. Firm and insistent. Phone calls in the middle of the night are bad enough, but messages delivered face to face are far worse. I only knew one person who was in a situation that might require such a message. Something had gone wrong with Cora. I could not push myself off the bed. I couldn’t take any more. I peeled my eyepatch off my face.
Knock, knock, knock. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
“Coming,” I whispered. “I’m coming.”
Knock, knock, knock. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I stood up and walked into the living room.
Knock, knock, knock. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Not Cora. Please, God, anything but Cora. Anything but Cora.
I reached the door and opened it.
It was Ben.
“Ben?”
“I have to tell you something.”
So, they’d sent Ben to soften the blow. That made sense. I braced for impact.
“You may have wished you’d never left the passageway, but I never did,” he said.
“What?”
“I thought I had. But I hadn’t. I’ve been waiting there for years, I didn’t even know it.”
This wasn’t about Cora. This was about—
“Us,” said Ben, finishing my thoughts for me. “I’m here about us. You and me. Tess, my darling, ridiculous, wonderful Tess, don’t you understand? It’s you I love. You.”
I stared at him.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?”
I held open the door. No. Yes. “You’d better come in.”
We stood in my flat, lit only by the lights along the river, looking at one another. He glowed a strange murky color and the pattern of raindrops on the glass made his skin look blistered. I’d never seen a man look so beautiful.
“I don’t understand.”
“What’s there not to understand?” said Ben. “We’ve been bloody idiots.”
“You said ‘Oh.’”
“Well, obviously I said ‘Oh,’ I was in shock. I had no idea you felt that way. I had no idea I felt that way; I’ve lived with it for so long.”
“With what?”
“Being in love with you.”
I put my hands to my face. “I don’t believe this,” I said.
He took a step towards me. “Believe it. Helen’s accident made me see it too. I love you.” He took my hand and led me to the sofa. This was my dream come true and I was scared to death. “What about Sasha?”
“I’ll tell her. I fell in love with you when I was fifteen years old. But we were friends, I never thought it could last.”
“Me too, I thought we’d split up and wouldn’t be a group any more; I didn’t think it was worth it.”
“But it has lasted, hasn’t it? You still make me laugh, you’ve never annoyed me, you’re more gorgeous than you were back then, you understand me like no one else, you’re my best friend, I’m never bored in your company, when odd things happen I call you first, when sad things happen I call you first, when funny things happen I call you first. I’d tell Sasha when I got home, if I remembered, but I always called you first.”
“Me too,” I said again. “The hardest thing about the last few weeks was not being able to speak to you.”
“Exactly. I’ve been in a bloody grump and I didn’t even know why. It’s because we weren’t talking. I didn’t realize why until that moment in the park. And then I realized just how pivotal you are in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been happy with Sasha and I do love her, I do, but the person who makes me feel really great is you.”
Sasha. Sasha. This was bad for Sasha. I grimaced. “Where does she think you are?”
“She’s in Germany, but I would have told her. I nearly rang her, but this is not the sort of thing you tell your wife over the phone in the middle of the night. Maybe we should tell her together.”
“God, no.”
“She should have someone to love her wholly. Not partially, as I’ve been doing.”
“You really love me? Seriously?”
He grinned. “Absolutely. And I want everyone to know.”
“She’s going to hate us.”
“This has only just happened to me. I can look her in the eye and tell her I have not, and I would not, cheat on her. I’ve thought about it, as you know, but I’ve never acted on it. It even makes sense to me now why I sometimes had a wandering eye. I didn’t love Sasha enough, but I didn’t realize. She deserves better and she’ll find someone like that.” He clicked his fingers.
“Probably. She’s an amazing woman.”
“I think she’ll be fine.”
“Really?”
“Really?”
“I can’t look her in the eye and tell her this just happened to me. I was happy for you both, I was, but I was jealous.”
“I probably would have been too. I hated James Kent, married or not. But you didn’t meet anyone, so I’ve never had to live without you. You’ve always been there. I didn’t mind the flings, because I always knew they weren’t going anywhere. You made that abundantly clear, so I guess I’ve always thought of you as mine anyway, not consciously, you understand, but…” He took my face in his hands. “I just love you,” he laughed. “I know this is the worst possible time in the world to be ecstatic; Cora is ill and Helen…” He couldn’t finish his sentence. Nor could I. “But, I am.” He laughed again. I started laughing too. “It’s ridiculous. I had to come and tell you. I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, thinking, I love her. I love her. I love Tessa King.” He pulled me towards him and kissed me gently on the lips, then sat back. “And I do.”
I smiled again. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been imagining this?”
“Tell me.”
“First I thought you’d follow me to Vietnam.”
“I was in traction, you fool, but I thought about it.”
“Why didn’t you say anything when we got back?”
“You went weird on me,” said Ben.
“You went weird on me!”
“I thought it was all in my head.”
“I thought it was all in mine,” I said.
Ben kissed me on the forehead.
I frowned. “You let me go off to university without so much—”
“Tessa, all you talked about was how excited you were, what fun you were going to have.”
“I was trying to tell you that it was OK that you didn’t like me that way, I’d get over it.”
“God, women are strange—why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Why didn’t you ask?”
“I did. You left the passageway. Not me. Next time I saw you was in the hospital, pretending nothing had happened.”
“You were with Mary.”
“I could hardly throw her out of the hospital room, and anyway, you weren’t giving me cause to and frankly I wanted someone to keep me company. You buggered off to Vietnam, remember?”
“I missed you so much; I banged on to Helen all about it.”
“Helen?”
“Yes. She’s the only one who knew, who’s ever known.”
“God, we’ve been idiots,” he said again, reaching out for my hand. “And the sooner we put that right the better.”
“What are we going to do?”
We? We? I’d never been a we before.
“Get married and have a host of children, obviously.”
“I didn’t think you wanted children.”
“But you do. So bring it on. I don’t care. It’ll be fun. Let’s just have lots and lots of fun together.”
“Nothing happens between us, until Sasha knows.”
“Nothing. I’ve waited twenty years to get you into bed, I think I can wait another day.”
“Day?”
“Sasha is home tomorrow.”
I thought I heard a faint pop. Was it my imagination or did our bubble just burst?
“Tomorrow? Wow.”
“What are we waiting for? Helen and Neil were wiped out in a car crash. I mean, what the fuck are we waiting for?”
Neil and Helen. Bobby and Tommy. Ben and Tessa. Ben and Tessa plus Bobby and Tommy. Equals. Happy. Family.
21
speak your truth
We woke later that morning on my bed, fully clothed, spooned together. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in days. My back was pressed against Ben’s wide, warm torso, my legs were imprinted alongside his. My eyes opened and I stared out at a whole new world. Ben loved me. Wanted to marry me. Wanted to have children with me. Ben wanted to tell Sasha. Today. I tensed.
“What’s up, beautiful?”
I eased myself over to face him. “About telling Sasha?”
“Hmm?”
“Please don’t do it today.”
Ben propped himself up on his elbow. “Why not?”
“I know this may sound very selfish, but I’ve got to sort the twins out, and there’s the bloody funeral, which Helen didn’t even want, she wanted to be scattered on a beach. Cora’s still in hospital…”
He stroked my hair. “I get it. Too much going on for our bombshell.”
“Sort of.”
“Your friends want you to be happy.”
“I know that, but there’s a difference between being happy and dancing on someone’s grave.”
“No cold feet, Tessa King. You’re the bloody queen of cold feet.”
“No cold feet. God, no. I don’t want to offend anyone more than we have to, that’s all.”
“I don’t think we’ll offend anyone.”
“You underestimate how much people adore Sasha. If she takes this badly, so will they. There’s no getting around it.”
“I don’t think she’ll take it badly.”
“Of course she will, Ben, she loves you.”
“But she’s so independent. Honestly, there’ve been many times when I’ve felt surplus to requirements.”