by Bella Jewel
She has been in bed for a month, rarely getting out. She’s depressed, and she’s hurting. I understand that. Her family disowned her when they found out she was pregnant and was marrying me. I tried to tell them she lost the baby, but they hung up on me. I went around there and they slammed the door in my face. I stood on their patio roaring that their daughter was suffering.
Then I left.
They never came.
She’s alone, and she’s alone because of me.
So, I let her stay in bed for a month. I let her grieve, mourn, cry. I went to work, I fed her, I bathed her, I gave her the time she deserved.
But she’s depressed now, falling into a dark place I’m scared she won’t come out of.
I’m drowning in it, I don’t want her in it too.
I get up each day and I can barely fucking breathe. Between the death of my mom which plays on my conscience twenty-four-seven, to the loss of my baby and now working three fucking jobs. I can’t breathe. I haven’t touched the water in months.
I don’t know how to fucking cope anymore.
“Leave me alone, Bohdi,” Isla says, rolling to her side.
“You gotta get out of bed, Isla. Today, I want you to take a walk with me to the beach.”
“No.”
Fuck.
I’m trying.
I really am.
“I know you’re hurtin’, but you can’t live like this forever. I want to help you.”
“I don’t want your help.”
Her voice is flat. Dead.
“I know you don’t, but I’m giving it to you. I’m your husband ...”
“You’re my husband because I was pregnant. You married me thinking you were doing the right thing. We don’t have a baby anymore, Bohdi.”
“I know that, but we will. One day, again, we will.”
I married her. I made a promise. I’m not the kind to just give up on that. Regardless of the fact that she’s not pregnant anymore. I’m not my fucking father, and I’m certainly not my mother. I take my vows very fucking seriously.
She rolls at my words. “We will?”
I sit on the edge of the bed. “Yeah, we will. I married you, I’m not going anywhere. I made a promise, I’m going to stick to it. We’ll have a baby again. More than one. But you gotta get out of bed.”
A tear rolls down her cheek, but she nods and climbs out of bed.
The promise of more children enough to get her moving.
My heart is cold as stone, and I’m trying so fucking hard to melt it. Maybe more children will do that.
God, I hope it does.
Isla gets dressed and we take a walk on the beach. She’s pale compared to her usual golden complexion. She closes her eyes and breathes in the salty air. I stare at the waves, so fucking desperate to get out in them again, to live the life I’m supposed to be living. I’m fucking young. This isn’t how it’s meant to be.
It’s just not.
“I want to get out in the water again,” I say, without thought.
Isla stares at me, her eyes wide. “Of course. I wondered why you hadn’t.”
“I work three jobs, Isla. I don’t have time.”
She looks away, guilt flashing across her face. “Because of me.”
“No, because it’s my job as a husband.”
“I could work, too, Bohdi. I’ve just ...”
“I know,” I say, knowing what she’s going to say.
“I’ll get better. I’ll get a job. We can surf again.”
She squeezes my hand. I say nothing.
Because I’m not sure she’ll do that.
I’m right.
She lies in bed for the next two weeks.
Then the next.
Until finally, my cold heart loses it.
And the monster in me finally rears its ugly head.
The coldness grows.
And little by little, I lose every piece of who I am.
11
NOW – MERLEIGH
“This place is ... wow,” Briella says, staring with wide eyes at the club I’m oh so familiar with.
It’s an expensive sex club. Men and women with money and time come here. The women selling their bodies are anything but cheap. They’re expensive as hell and they’re raking in more money than a normal person could wrap their mind around. This is top of the line. This club is elite.
“Yeah, it’s something else alright,” I murmur, glancing around at the tables full of men in suits, women in classy but very sexy outfits serving drinks, and lines and lines of rooms being used for all sorts of sexual acts.
It brings back a whole lot of memories for me.
Nothing bad ever happened to me in this club, but it’s memories all the same.
In fact, if I’m honest, I didn’t mind being here. It got me out of the house and one of the bouncers who used to work here became a friend of mine. His name was Deacon and he was a great guy. Of course he had no idea who I was, he just figured I was with Bryant and we never corrected him on that. It wasn’t worth the punishment if we did.
Still, he was kind, and he made me laugh.
He left a few years in, but I never forgot him.
“Where might we find the owner of this joint?” Alarick asks me, glancing around.
“Office up the stairs,” I say, pointing.
“Merleigh?”
At the sound of my name, I turn and am surprised to see Deacon walking towards me wearing a crisp suit. His light brown hair is slicked back atop his head and his blue eyes are sharp and intense. He smiles when he sees me, a genuine smile, but I’m not used to seeing him so dressed up. So sophisticated.
“Deacon?” I say, unable to stop the smile that spreads across my face.
“What are you doin’ here, kid? I never thought I’d see you again after Bryant disappeared. I figured you went with him.”
I guess the bikers hid that death well.
“No, I’m not with him anymore,” I lie, reaching out to the man I was dear friends with and hugging him. He wraps his big arms around me and holds me tight for a moment before letting me go.
“What brings you to my club then?”
“Your club?” I ask, raising my brows. “You took over this place?”
“Yeah, believe it or not I bought it out when Bryant disappeared. Highest bidder. I guess those years as a bouncer were a good thing.”
“Wow,” I say, eyes wide. “That’s incredible. Good for you.”
He shrugs and gives me a winning smile. He’s handsome and tall and huge in build. I suppose he had to be to be a bouncer for a place like this.
“I’m happy for you. We’re actually here looking for Cova, we heard she might have swung by this way.”
Deacon looks to Bohdi, Alarick and Kendric standing behind me. All of them not wearing their leathers, but all of them intimidating all the same.
“These guys with you?”
“Yeah,” I nod. “They’re friends of mine, dear friends. This is Cova’s sister, Briella.”
Briella steps forward and gives Deacon a little wave. He studies her, then smiles. “Yeah, I can see that. I did see Cova, she was in here with Riff earlier. She was looking for Bryant, figured she was with him for sure, their connection and all, but she didn’t know where he was. That means he’s dead, guaranteed.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Why do you say that?”
“He hasn’t returned, left everything. Men like Bryant don’t just disappear. Either way, not my fuckin’ problem. Still, I for sure thought Cova would be with him.”
“She and I left together,” I say. “When she found out she had a sister and a family. I guess you could say we were curious.”
It’s such a bad lie, but a lie I have to use all the same.
“Well, whatever she’s doin’, she’s hanging with the wrong crowd now.”
“Riff is bad news,” I exhale.
“He’s even worse now than when you knew him.”
Why the hell would Cova
go to Riff?
He’s a big time drug dealer and a bad, bad man. Bryant used to work with him, running drugs for profit, and I know for certain the two of them did some awful things. Cova was always scared of Riff, but we knew he provided us the drugs we needed, so we never said anything when he was around. Even if he did get handsy. Riff forced himself onto me more than once, and Bryant allowed it.
But not Cova.
Never Cova.
I shiver at the memory, and my stomach twists at the thought of having to find and see the man who holds awful memories for me.
“Where is Riff these days?” I ask, my voice tight.
“Same place. Same people. You goin’ after him?”
“Yeah, we need to find Cova. She’s not doing well, and I don’t want her to get tangled up with him.”
“Understand that,” Deacon nods. “I gotta get back to work. You in town long? Come by and see me, kid. I’ve missed your face.”
I smile and hug him again. “Me too, Deacon.”
He disappears, and I see Bohdi’s eyes follow him. He’s hardly in a position to be jealous, considering what happened earlier. I look to Alarick next. “I know where to find her.”
“This man she’s with, he dangerous?”
“Yep,” I say, nodding. “He’s a monster and, if I don’t have to, I don’t really want to see him.”
“Why?” Bohdi asks, his voice low.
“Because he ...”
My voice trails off, and I say nothing more.
I don’t want to say the words, I don’t even want to think them.
I can’t be near Riff, because if I am, I’ll remember the cruel night he took so much from me and did it without regret.
“He fuckin’ hurt you?” Bohdi growls.
“Yes, he did.”
“We’ll take care of him then.”
Alarick’s voice is sharp and deep.
“No, if you take care of him you’ll end up in a whole world of trouble. You just cleared the club from danger. Don’t bring them into more for me. Please, Alarick.”
“She’s right,” Briella says, taking Alarick’s arm. “We don’t need to go down that road again. We just freed ourselves.”
Alarick grits his teeth and glances at me. “You sure? We can make sure he doesn’t touch another woman again.”
Tempting, it really is, but I can’t be responsible for death. Bloodshed. Pain.
I just can’t.
“Let’s just get Cova back,” I say.
We exit the club and Bohdi hasn’t said another word. He’s stewing, I know he is, but he keeps it to himself.
I give them directions to find Riff and then they drop me back to the motel, with Briella and Zariah, while the guys go and take care of business. Briella protested, but Alarick said he didn’t want her anywhere near it, and I can’t say I blame him.
“Where’s Bohdi?” Isla asks when she hears the trucks take off again.
She is holding Taj’s hand, in her nightwear, standing outside of their room. It doesn’t go unnoticed to me that she’s wearing a slip of a nightie, see through and clinging to her curves. She’s gorgeous, no doubt about that, and it only makes me feel even more conscious about the damage my body has endured.
Why would Bohdi ever want to look at my scars and marks, when he has her luscious body up for the taking?
“He’s gone with the guys,” Briella answers before I can.
“Oh, I have been waiting for him,” she says, and her eyes swing to me. “I guess I’ll wait a bit longer.”
She’s rubbing it in, but I say nothing.
Not a damned thing.
“Come on, honey,” Briella says, taking my arm and shooting a glare at Isla. “Let’s get some sleep.”
I disappear into our room and only when the door is closed and locked do I exhale. I turn and look to Briella and Zariah. “Thanks for saving me back there.”
“She’s something else.” Zariah scrunches up her nose. “So pretty and yet when she speaks there is just so much poison.”
“I wonder what their story is,” Briella says, curiously. “I know the basics of it, but I just feel like there is so much more.”
“I think there is far more to Bohdi’s whole story, to be honest,” Zariah crosses her arms.
“You’re both right,” I say, sitting on the edge of the bed. “But whatever it is, he’s doing right by her and I have to respect him for that.”
Zariah gives me a sympathetic smile. “Well, we need to find you a distraction. I’m sure there are some hotties getting around on that beach of yours.”
I smile, grateful. “There are a few.”
“We need to find some,” Briella grins. “Next weekend we’re coming down and we’re going on a girls night. When was the last time you had a bit of fun?”
I shrug. “It has been some time.”
“And a gorgeous man on top of you?” Zariah winks.
My chest tightens. “That would be never.”
“Never?” she asks, her eyes growing sad.
“Like never ever?” Briella questions.
“Yep, like never ever. I’ve never had sex willingly. Only when I was with my first boyfriend, but he was so forceful I wouldn’t call it willing.”
“Oh, honey,” Zariah says, sitting down beside me. “I didn’t realize, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I say, giving her a smile. “If it wasn’t for all of you, I’d never even have the chance to find love, or get that experience. I’m grateful.”
“Your soul is too good, honey. Too good.”
Maybe.
Or maybe it isn’t, and it’s just well covered.
I guess we’ll never know.
THE SOUND OF RUCKUS outside wakes me up. I hear shouting, and then angry slams coming from the rooms beside mine. I stir and sit up, glancing at the clock beside the bed. It’s two AM. I look over to where Briella is sleeping beside me. She hasn’t moved and is in a deep sleep. She stayed with me when Alarick wasn’t home. We were talking and just fell asleep.
I’m sure he’s wondering where she is.
I get out of bed and walk to the window, peering out behind the curtains. I see Alarick, Bohdi, and Mykel all talking amongst themselves. Alarick swings his arms around every few minutes, clearly cursing and, when he moves, I see Bohdi’s face. It’s all beaten up, blood dripping down from his mouth, eyes dark, face banged up in a big way.
I freak out and rush outside without thought.
I don’t care that I’m in a bra and panties. I don’t even care that everyone turns to stare. Bohdi is hurt. Whatever happened tonight caused him pain and I want to know what went down.
“What happened?” I ask, when I reach them. “Bohdi, are you okay?”
“He fuckin’ deserves everything he got for goin’ behind my back like that,” Alarick growls.
I don’t understand.
“He deserves it?” I say, horrified.
“Bohdi went back to Riff after we found Cova and he beat him within an inch of his life. We got him out of there before he did, but that man is a fuckin’ mess,” Mykel tells me.
Bohdi beat Riff.
He hurt him?
I look to him, and he’s staring down at the ground where blood is dripping onto the pavement below him. He did that for me. He doesn’t even know what Riff did, but he risked it all for me. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever risked it all for me before. The only reason the club saved me is because they were there looking for Cova, otherwise I never would have been saved.
I step forward toward Bohdi and, when I reach him, I wrap my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest. “Thank you,” I whisper.
He stiffens for a minute, and then he puts his arm around me, just one, and rests his chin on the top of my head. I don’t even care that he’s bleeding. I don’t care that Alarick and Mykel might think I’m crazy. What he did for me tonight, that means so much to me.
“Clean him up,” Alarick mutters. “I’ll deal wi
th him in the morning.”
“What’s going on?”
Briella is standing outside my room now, her eyes sleepy. I release Bohdi and step back, and she catches sight of him. “Oh my god, what happened?”
“He got himself into a brawl, he’s fine,” Alarick mumbles. “I need to sleep.”
“Cova?” she asks.
“Safe. With Zariah. She took her for a drive to calm her down. We have her back. She ain’t happy, though.”
Briella exhales. “Oh, thank god.”
“Let’s go to bed,” Alarick says, walking toward her and catching her around the waist, pulling her toward their room.
“I’ll go and find a first-aid kit and clean you up, wait in my room,” I say to Bohdi.
He nods and disappears into my room. Mykel goes to his. I go to the office where they have staff on nightshift. I ask for a first-aid kit and she hands one over. Then I return back to the room where Bohdi is sitting on the end of my bed, shirt off, nothing but a pair of blue jeans on. He looks so gorgeous sitting there, his blond hair falling around his shoulders, his olive skin glistening beneath the light.
He’s perfection.
Utter perfection.
He looks up at me, face all banged up. He’s in pain, he has to be in pain, but his face is calm. I gather a few washcloths and soak them in warm water, and then I step in front of him and carefully start washing the blood away. He doesn’t flinch, he doesn’t wince, he just sits there, staring at nothing.
“What did he do to you?” he asks me in a quiet voice.
I pause.
I’ve never said the words out loud.
I’ve never even considered telling another person.
But I trust Bohdi.
I trust him more than I think even he realizes.
“He raped me,” I say softly. “Multiple times. He was rough and aggressive. He hurt me, made me bleed, and the pain from that lasted a very long time.”
Bohdi’s whole body tenses. “I should have killed him.”
I take his chin in my hand, forcing him to tip his head back and look at me. “What you did for me tonight, Bohdi ... Nobody has ever defended me like that. I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand how much that means to me.”
“He hurt you,” he growls.
“Yes, he did.”