by Bella Jewel
“And?”
Sherry crosses her arms, shaking her head. “I know you don’t believe me, Bohdi, but ...”
“Have you actually seen them together?”
“No, but ...”
“Have you read a message or overheard a phone call?”
“No, but I’m telling you, they’re having an affair. I know you think I’m crazy, but I’m not!”
I mean, she fucking is.
“Without proof, I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you. I have no reason to believe Isla is having an affair with Daniel, none at all.”
“What about Sunny?”
“What about him?” I ask, getting frustrated.
“You don’t see Daniel all over that little boy? You can’t tell he’s Daniel’s son? I can. I see it every time I look at him.”
“Sunny looks like me. Have you seen him lately?”
“Because he’s blonde?” she argues. “So is Daniel. Because he has olive skin? So does Daniel? What about his blue eyes? Those aren’t yours?”
“Isla has blue eyes, Sherry. I don’t see how that’s proof of anything.”
“He looks exactly like Daniel!” she cries.
“Daniel and I are very similar in looks,” I point out. “Again, what does that prove?”
“You’re not listening to me,” she growls, frustrated. “I’ve seen the two of them together, the way they speak, the way he smiles at her and she laughs. Their body language tells me everything I need to know. I’ve been watching and she disappears at the same time he does. They’re together, Bohdi.”
“You need to leave, honestly. You’re having problems in your relationship but I don’t need you bringing those into my life.”
She shakes her head, throwing her hands up. “I’m going to prove it. I’m going to show you I’m right. I’ll make you see the kind of whore your wife is.”
“Leave,” I growl.
She turns and storms off, and when she’s gone, I lock the door and close my eyes, exhaling. She has been at me for a while now, every chance she gets she continues to tell me that Sunny isn’t mine and Isla is cheating. I don’t believe it’s true, at least, I don’t want to believe she could do something that fucking heartless.
So, I let it go.
“Daddy.”
I turn to see Sunny walking out of his room, teddy in hand. I love this boy, god, he’s the only fucking reason I keep going. The only reason I find the strength to even get out of bed. Without him, I’d be a pathetic fucking empty mess. He gives me life, and I’m not about to let Sherry take that away from me.
Still, I focus on his face. Sure, he could look like Daniel, but he could look like me, too. Honestly, he looks a lot like Isla, so it’s hard to tell either way. I don’t see it, though. When I look at my son, I see nothing but mine. He’s mine, and nobody is going to take that from me.
“Hey, little man,” I say, scooping him into my arms.
The only time I don’t feel like I’m drowning, is when I’m holding my son.
Otherwise, it feels like I forget to breathe.
If I forget to breathe, then I very well might fucking die.
“SHERRY WAS HERE AGAIN,” I say, chopping some carrots.
Isla has just walked through the front door after being out most of the day. She told me she visits friends, walks, and shops. I don’t question her, considering how pregnant she is; I doubt she’s out there making love all day long. Hell, she struggles just to get out of a chair.
“She was?” she asks, smiling and scooping up Sunny when he comes running toward her. She kisses his cheek and hugs him close. She does love her son, I can’t take that from her. She can be so incredibly selfish in every other way, but she loves our son.
“Yeah, going on about you and Daniel again.”
Isla’s head whips around. “Seriously? What was she saying?”
“That you’re having an affair and Sunny isn’t mine.”
For a minute, just a minute, Isla’s eyes flash. I study her and ask, “It ain’t true, is it?”
“Of course it’s not true,” she snaps. “Seriously, what sort of person do you think I am?”
“I told her it wasn’t true,” I mutter, getting back to preparing dinner. “She went off, saying she was going to prove it.”
“God, she’s crazy. I can’t believe we’re related, honestly. All she does is cause problems for me. She is doing drugs again, drinking, I think she needs help.”
“She needs a fuckin’ lot of help.”
“Sorry she came here and caused problems.”
I say nothing.
What is there to say?
She can’t control her crazy fucking sister.
“How was the memorial?” Isla asks and I stiffen.
We put a plaque on a tree at the beach for Sean today, and then Carson left. He needed to get out town because he wasn’t coping. I can understand that. Every fucking time I close my eyes, I see his body covered in blood, his empty eyes staring blankly at the sky. I think of his cries and his horrific fucking death.
It’s haunting me.
“Fine,” I say, hand shaking.
“It’s okay not to be fine, Bohdi. He was your friend.”
“I said I’m fuckin’ fine, Isla. Let it go.”
“God, I’m only trying to help you!” she snaps.
“I don’t want your fucking help. I don’t want anything from you.”
I keep my hands busy, not looking up at her, knowing that every word coming out of my mouth is cruel, but I have no way to make myself care. I don’t care. It’s terrifying, to be this miserable. She deserves better, she really does, but I just don’t know how to get away from it without giving up my son, and my unborn son.
If it wasn’t for them, I’d be long gone.
Away from all of this hell.
From this shack.
From the pain.
“Then why are you here, Bohdi?” she screams so loudly Sunny starts to cry.
I glare at her. “Keep your voice down.”
“I’m so tired of trying to make you care. You don’t care. You can’t stand me. Why are you here? Why don’t you just leave?”
“Why don’t you fucking leave, Isla? Why are you still here?” I bark back, stopping what I’m doing to pick up Sunny.
“I will leave. I will. Fuck you.”
She turns and storms out, grabbing her keys on the way and slamming the door. I press Sunny’s cheek to my shoulder and whisper quietly, “There she goes again, son. There she goes again.”
Sometimes, though ... I wish she wouldn’t come back.
Sometimes, more often than not, I wish I had never met her to begin with.
I’m going to hell.
And I can’t fucking wait.
17
NOW – MERLEIGH
“Open the door!”
I pull my headphones out of my ears, pausing the podcast I was listening to, to hear someone pounding on my front door. A familiar voice.
“I know you’re in there, now open the fucking door.”
It’s Isla.
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, and then I place my headphones down and walk over to the front door, opening it. Isla is standing, angry faced, glaring at me through the screen. She looks like she’s about to explode and I’m going to catch all the pieces. I take a deep, calming breath, and ask, “What are you doing here, Isla?”
“You know what I’m doing here, bitch!”
“Firstly, if you’re going to speak to me like that then you can come back another time. I’m not going to take it. Not in my home. If you’re willing to talk to me like a normal person, then I’ll listen.”
She scowls at me. “Do you talk to everyone in your fucking airy fairy voice and think it’ll work? It won’t work with me. You stole my husband and you’re ruining my family.”
“How so?” I ask.
“Because he told me he’s in love with you,” she screeches. “He told me he can’t be with me, that he wants
a divorce and wants to work out a custody arrangement for Taj. Do you have any idea how that felt?”
Bohdi is in love with me?
He told her that?
My chest feels like it might just explode, but I keep it together. I’m not cruel enough to act happy about that incredible fact while his wife is here, screaming at me.
“I didn’t know any of that,” I say, and that’s the truth.
“You’re a fucking liar. I know you two have been up to no good.”
God.
She’s vile.
“First of all, we haven’t done a damned thing. I’m not that sort of woman and it offends me that you’re standing here accusing me of this. If you were so worried about how Bohdi felt, maybe you might have reconsidered cheating on him.”
She looks like I’ve slapped her, and I know I’ve just unleashed hell.
“How. Dare. You,” she screams. “You have no idea what he put me through. He was unemotional and cold. I tried so hard to get him to love me, and he wouldn’t. He never loved anyone. He forced me into Daniel’s arms and it was the worst mistake of my life.”
“But you still did it, and it still hurt him.”
“He could have confronted me with it. He could have stayed. He could have done anything but pretend to die and leave me with his kids.”
Well, she is right about that. Bohdi really should have gone about it in a different way, but I also know he was so incredibly broken that he thought he had no other choice.
I know how it feels, to be so empty that you’ll take any way out.
“I’m not here to argue about a life I don’t understand,” I say, calmly.
“You’re right, you don’t understand it. You don’t know a single thing about Bohdi. You don’t know about his parents. Has he told you about his father? That he’s still alive and has been trying to contact him for years? Trying to be part of his son’s life? Do you know about that? Do you know about the fact that he’s a fucking murderer?”
I pause, staring at her. “What did you just say?”
“Bohdi killed his own mother and dumped her body out at sea. Then he went on to live his life like it never happened. He doesn’t even know that I saw him that night, dragging her body through the sand and putting it in a boat. Then he came back without it, and told me his mother had just disappeared with some guy. He’s a killer. He is a dark, broken man who is capable of anything.”
“You’re lying,” I say softly, my heart racing.
“I’m not fucking lying. You don’t believe me? Go ahead and ask him what happened to his mom. I’ll be interested to see what story he spins for you.”
It can’t be true.
Bohdi would never kill someone.
He would never take a life like that.
“Maybe you saw wrong ...” I say, trying anything to avoid believing the truth.
“I’m not wrong. That woman was abusive and cruel. I heard the fights, the anger, the hatred. I saw how she treated him. One day he snapped and ended her. I don’t blame him, which is why I never said anything. But I’m sure a girl like you can’t live with the fact that the man she loved is a god damned monster.”
“You need to leave,” I say, my voice tight. “Now.”
“I’ll leave, but know this ... Bohdi is the father of my child, and he’s my husband, and he’s going to be with me. I’m not going anywhere. It’s best you accept that.”
“Get out,” I yell, heart racing, mind swirling, stomach twisting.
“Gladly.”
She turns and storms off the patio, and when she’s gone, I stand there. I can’t think. I can’t move. I can’t do anything but stare into nothing.
It’s only when Carson comes up the stairs that I snap out of it.
“Hey,” he says, narrowing his eyes. “You okay?”
“I need a ride,” I say softly.
“Where to?”
“To Bohdi.”
“Everything okay?”
I shake my head. “Do you know what happened to his mother?”
Carson shrugs. “She left. She was pretty messed up and abusive, high on drugs all the time. Think she ran off with some drug lord. Why?”
God.
Bohdi has lied to everyone.
Everyone.
“I need you to take me to him. Now.”
Carson looks concerned, but he does as I ask.
He drives me to Bohdi.
I’m getting my answers, once and for all.
“I NEED TO SEE YOU,” I say, bursting into the shed where all the bikers are sitting around a table, discussing business.
I know I have no right to be in here, rules are rules and Alarick won’t be happy with me interrupting, but I can’t breathe, let alone think.
“What are you doin’ here, Merleigh?” Bohdi asks, his eyes swinging to Carson who is standing beside me.
“You can’t be in here, Merleigh,” Alarick says, his voice gruff. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on, but you know the rules. You can’t be here and you certainly can’t bring a stranger. Askin’ you with a whole heap of respect, but get out.”
I ignore him. “I need to speak with you. Now.”
Bohdi shakes his head, confused.
“Merleigh, not goin’ to ask you again,” Alarick growls this time.
“I’ll leave, Alarick,” I say, my voice high and frantic. “When Bohdi tells me why he killed his own mother.”
The whole room goes dead silent. Carson gasps beside me and then curses. Bohdi stands quickly, his face twisting with rage. He is grabbing me in a second, spinning me around and pulling me from the shed. He roars at Carson not to follow him, and only when we’re in a quiet spot at the back of the lot does he turn on me and demand, “What the fuck did you just say?”
I’m shaking.
Everything inside of me feels like it’s going to explode.
“Did you kill your mother, Bohdi?”
“Who the fuck told you that?”
“Isla.”
He looks confused.
“She came to me today, and she told me everything.”
His jaw ticks.
He doesn’t confirm or deny what I’m saying, and that alone is my answer. That tells me absolutely everything.
He killed his own mother.
His mother.
I feel sick.
Tears roll down my cheeks as I make a hiccupping sound. “I trusted you, Bohdi. Out of all the people in this world, you were the one I trusted and you lied to me. You lied right to my face. You had so many chances to tell me the truth, to let me know who you were and you chose not to. You kept it all hidden and let me believe a version of yourself that wasn’t real. I can’t see you again. Ever.”
“Merleigh,” he says, his voice croaky. “You gotta listen to me, it’s not what you think. It was an accident. I didn’t fuckin’ mean to kill her. She was attacking me and I pushed her off ...”
“So you threw her body into the ocean?” I whisper hiss. “Instead of going to the police and telling them it was self-defense?”
“You think they would have believed me?” he roars, throwing his hands up. “You think they would have listened to a young fuckin’ man who had no hope? They wouldn’t have, and I would have spent the rest of my fucking life in prison. Sorry if I chose to be free, you out of everyone should understand how that fucking feels.”
His words hit me right in the chest, and I shake my head furiously. “You dumped your mother into the ocean. She deserved more than that.”
“Did she?” he growls, glaring at me. “How the fuck do you know what she deserved? You know nothing about my life.”
“Because you never told me!” I scream.
I never scream. I never raise my voice. I never speak louder than a soft whisper. Bohdi jerks and takes a step back. My heart is racing, and I can’t stop it. I can’t stop the pain and anguish spewing from my soul. Things I’ve kept inside for so damned long I forgot what it feels like not to carry them around.
> “Look at how you’re handling it, and you wonder why I never told you,” Bohdi says, his voice suddenly scarily calm.
“I’m angry because you lied, because you made me believe you’re something that you’re not. If you had been honest from the start ...”
“We wouldn’t be here,” he finishes for me. “Nobody sticks around, Merleigh. Nobody loves someone as fuckin’ broken as me. You think I’m stupid enough to believe you would have just accepted it and been okay?”
Dammit.
That hurts.
It hurts so bad.
Would I have accepted it? Or would I be acting like I am right now?
I can’t think.
“I can’t be here,” I say, my voice so pained it hurts to speak. “I have to go.”
I spin on my heel and rush out, unable to breathe. I can’t do this anymore, any of this, it’s too hard. It’s not supposed to be this damned hard.
“Merleigh, stop, hey.”
Alarick stops me at the gate, his eyes narrowed with concern.
“Please, Alarick, let me go. I can’t be here anymore.”
“You’re in a bad way, you need to talk to someone.”
“I need to get out of here.”
He grabs my arm, but I jerk it back with an anguished cry. He lets me go immediately.
“I’m sorry,” I sob. “Please.”
I run to Carson’s car, not thinking.
I don’t even wait for him. To be honest, I’m not even thinking about him at all. I just need to get out of there.
“Merleigh!” he calls, running over. “Hey, wait.”
“I need to be alone, Carson,” I say, my voice shaking. “Can I take your car?”
“I can’t let you drive like this, you’re in a state.”
“I’m only going up the road, to calm down. Please, I’m begging you.”
He hesitates, then he hands me the keys. “Okay, I’ll get a ride back and meet you at the cabin soon. Don’t go far, Merleigh, it’s dangerous.”
I nod and get into the car, reversing out. I get onto the road, and the tears burst forth.
Carson is right, I shouldn’t be driving, but I needed to get out of there, and I needed to do it alone.