by Lucy Clarke
Now she had reached Lancelin, a small coastal town north of Perth where crayfish boats docked at the jetty each afternoon to unload their catch. She lay beside a concrete pool in the shade of a sun umbrella, the journal open in front of her. It was before ten, but already the heat was fierce, the wind having not yet arrived.
She glanced up as a plane cut a sharp line through the cloudless blue sky. It left behind a trail of white vapor, which she watched until it gently feathered away. Mia had once told her that jet trails were clouds that had been inhaled by a plane, then expired in a long white whoosh. Katie hadn’t corrected her. She was intrigued by the magical places Mia’s imagination wandered to and thought if she followed closely enough, she might glimpse those places, too.
Half sisters, she mused. Could you only be half when your whole lives were inextricably linked?
She pushed a loose strand of hair away from her face, thinking how she minded the term. She and Mia had always been very different—but now those differences had been given a label: half sisters. She wished Mia were here to talk to. She wanted to be back in their apartment, curled into opposite corners of the sofa, talking with mugs of tea in their hands. Together they’d have been able to make sense of it, perhaps eventually have laughed about it. But Mia was gone and learning this now only stretched them further apart.
Tracing a finger over a sentence in the journal, Katie tried to feel the indentations of Mia’s words. Her entries no longer sparkled with descriptions of places she’d traveled to, the way they once had in California; now they simmered with a quiet fury. Her anger was initially directed at their mother for concealing the truth about Harley. The moral code she’d taught her daughters had been grounded in truth and honesty, so her transgression from these rules cheated Mia of her beliefs.
More concerning, though, were Mia’s later entries, which showed a growing fixation with Harley. The page in front of Katie now was a transcription of song lyrics Mia had found on an obscure Internet site, and she’d circled words and verses to find a connection to a father she’d never known. The adjoining page was dotted with questions: “What was he like?” “Who did he care about?” “Where did he think of as home?” It seemed to Katie that the unwritten question around which the others orbited was: Am I like him? Harley had committed suicide at the age of 24: Mia’s age. That cold fact must have torn at Mia’s thoughts, just as it tore at Katie’s. She tried not to pay attention to the voice in her head that whispered of history repeating itself, but she couldn’t deny the disturbing symmetry.
There was a sudden rushing of feet over concrete and then she felt cold fingers gripping her waist. She cried out as she was lifted up, the journal slipping through her fingers and landing with its pages splayed on the poolside, like a hastily erected tent.
She heard Ed’s laughter, loud and close to her ear, as he held her against his wet body and began jogging away from the pool towards the beach. Sand flicked up as he ran, stinging her dangling legs. His grip was too tight, his wrist bone pressing painfully against her thighs. Her bikini top had become twisted and she could see the dark pink edge of her nipple exposed in the harsh light.
The shore was only feet away and she kicked and swiveled in his grasp, which made Ed laugh harder, delighted by her resistance. He waded into the sea and the smell of salt stole her breath. Water splashed and slapped at her skin. Suddenly she was flipped backwards and the world swiveled. Glaring sunlight seared off the water and she blinked, disorientated. The ends of her hair brushed the sea.
“Please, Ed!” she whispered, choked by fear.
Ahead, a hurdle of white water rushed towards them, water popping and spraying, salt fizzing in her nostrils. She screwed her eyes shut, waiting for the smack of water against her face and the briny taste of the sea to fill her mouth. Then, in a swift movement, Ed flung her upright. He delivered her back to shore, placing her gently on the sand.
She gulped in air with a hand pressed to her chest.
“Katie?” he said, turning to her. “Are you okay? You knew I was joking, didn’t you?”
She nodded without looking at him so he couldn’t see the tears in her eyes. She’d never told him she was afraid of the sea.
He placed a wet hand on her shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “Sorry. I couldn’t resist. You looked so gorgeous and serene lying by the pool. I wanted to steal you.”
“It’s fine,” she said. “You took me by surprise, that’s all.”
Ed had arrived in Australia five days ago, having managed to take two weeks off work. She had met him at Perth Airport, where he hugged her so enthusiastically he’d lifted her off her feet.
“Shall we go for a stroll to dry off?” he asked.
She glanced at him: water dripped down his face and his eyes were bright and hopeful. He would be pleased if she walked with him; they needed occasional moments of lightness in order to sustain them. But she knew Mia’s journal was still lying carelessly poolside. She imagined grit sinking into the folds of each page, the sun bleaching the color from the jacket.
“I might go for a shower,” she said with a light smile. Then she walked back to the pool and carefully gathered up the journal, dipping her mouth low to it and blowing the grit from its pages.
*
Katie wrapped herself in a soft cream towel and then wiped her palm in a circle over the steamed mirror. She peered at her damp face. The bridge of her nose was dotted with sun freckles, but there was a gauntness to her cheeks and beneath her eyes that the sun couldn’t brighten. Since Ed had arrived she’d taken to applying makeup again, but found the routine had lost some of its reward.
“Darling?” He was stretched out on the bed, a newspaper discarded at his side, one bare ankle crossing the other.
They were staying in a hotel, not the modest backpacker lodge Mia had written about. Katie had taken Ed there on his first night, but, exhausted from jet lag, he hadn’t appreciated the strumming of a guitar drifting from the adjacent dorm until two in the morning.
“Come over here.”
She crossed the room and perched beside him. There was a pair of foam earplugs on the bedside table. “Did you hear the other guests?”
“I’m not certain there are other guests,” he said with a raised eyebrow. “Those are for the sea. The waves are incessant.”
The sea? “In London you fall asleep to a cacophony of traffic.”
“Ah, the melodic sounds of the city.” He smiled at her. “Talking of London, you know your friends want me to bring you home with me? Everyone’s worried about you.”
“They don’t need to be.”
“Don’t they?”
“No,” she said, running her fingers through her wet hair. “I’m fine.” She could imagine them saying how out of character she was behaving—but Katie didn’t care. She needed to be here. “I’ve been meaning to ask: you remember at Mia’s funeral someone sent that orchid? Did you show the photo you took to your mother?”
The bed creaked as he sat up. “Yes. She looked it up. She thinks it’s a moon orchid.”
“Moon orchid,” Katie repeated slowly. “Does she know anything about them?”
“They originated in the tropics,” he said, then looked away.
“What is it? Did she say something else?”
“I don’t see this as important,” he said with a sigh, “but the moon orchid is the national flower of Bali.”
She blinked, surprised. “Bali?”
“Yes.”
She rubbed a finger over her lower lip. “Don’t you think it’s strange that someone would choose that particular flower?”
“Not really. They probably just liked the look of it, didn’t know its history.”
“But why send it anonymously? Why write, ‘Sorry’?”
He opened his palms. “I don’t know. Perhaps they did it through a florist and only part of the message was transcribed.”
“Maybe,” Katie said, although she couldn’t help wondering if there was some relevance to i
t, or what it was they were apologizing for.
“Why don’t you lie down?” Ed said, making room for her on the bed.
She lay back, her wet hair dampening the pillow.
Ed propped himself up on an elbow and studied her. “I can’t believe that in three months we’ll be married.”
She smiled, but the remark produced an anxiety in Katie that she wouldn’t allow herself to dwell on.
He traced the line of her collarbone with a forefinger. “Mrs. Katie Louth,” he said to himself as if trying it out for size. “Very sexy.”
“I haven’t decided if I’ll take your name.”
He arched one eyebrow. “Is that right?”
“I just want to give it some thought. Not everyone takes their husband’s name.”
“Don’t tell me you want one of those awful double-barreled surnames? Greene-Louth sounds like an STD.”
She laughed. “No, not double-barreled, then!”
He looked at her closely. “You’re the last Greene, aren’t you?”
She nodded, feeling a rise of emotion in her throat.
“Then you should keep your name. I don’t need you to take mine. Knowing I get to take you to bed every night for the rest of my life is all I’m interested in.” He untucked the corner of the damp towel and unwrapped her as though she was a gift. He placed his mouth on her neck and kissed her slowly. His lips were warm and she wanted him to put his arms around her and stay close, holding her to him.
His mouth traveled downwards, moving over her collarbone, kissing a pathway to her breasts, his tongue reaching her nipples. Katie held herself still as his tongue trailed over her rib cage and the softness of her stomach, skirting her navel and flicking over her hips. She closed her eyes and tried to relax, focusing on the sensation of Ed’s touch. Before Mia’s death their lovemaking had been frequent and passionate, but now she felt no desire.
His mouth grazed the top of her pubic bone.
“Ed.”
He murmured from beneath the sheet as his lips moved lower.
“I should get dressed,” she said, squirming out of reach. “We need to leave soon.”
He snapped back the covers and got out of bed. He moved to the desk, pulled out a chair, and opened his laptop.
She dressed with her back to him. They were visiting the Slade Plains where Mia and Finn had gone skydiving six months before. Although Katie had no intention of jumping herself, she wanted to see the place where her sister felt brave enough to plummet through the sky with only a parachute as her lifeline.
She was back in the routine of trying to limit herself to reading only one of Mia’s entries a day, which gave her trip a structure and a sense of purpose. With each page, her understanding of Mia’s travels deepened. The journal had become her companion, unfalteringly honest and faithfully at her side.
Once dressed, Katie turned to Ed, who was still absorbed in his laptop. “We need to leave now if we want to make the bus.”
“I’ll pass,” he said without looking up.
“You said you’d come with me.”
“I just don’t feel inclined to traipse out to the desert to watch a bunch of adrenaline junkies throw themselves from a plane.” He pushed his chair back. “I’d much rather spend the afternoon drinking wine at a nice restaurant with my fiancée.”
“I have to do this. It’s in the journal.”
“Don’t you hear how ridiculous that sounds? It’s a fucking journal! Not a rule book.”
“I know it’s not a rule book. I want to go there,” she said, her tone rising to the challenge of his. “Don’t belittle what I’m doing, Ed. It’s important to me.” She grabbed her bag from the bedside table and, as she did, she found her fingers closing around his earplugs. She slipped them into her pocket. He can damn well listen to the sea!
As she reached the door, he said, “I just don’t see why anyone would pay to fling themselves from a plane. It’s unnatural and goes against every human instinct.”
“That’s what I want to understand.”
*
Katie had watched the safety video, signed the disclaimer, and been fitted into a blue jumpsuit that was faded and fraying at the knees. She now sat at the back of a six-seater plane with a complicated harness fastened around her middle. Anger or adrenaline had propelled her this far, but now she regretted it. Her entire body trembled and her breathing felt too shallow. She was terrified simply sitting in this plane: jumping from it was unthinkable.
The pilot shouted something and then an instructor moved over to the doorway, unhooked a latch, and yanked the door open.
Katie gasped. The noise was incredible, as thunderous as if they’d dived into a breaking wave. The rush of cool air set every nerve ending on edge. She fought to tie her hair back, which was whipping across her face.
In front of her a thin man with acne scars stood while his instructor attached himself to the man’s harness, checking and rechecking buckles and straps. The pair moved towards the open door, shuffling like prisoners in their jumpsuits. She glanced away for a second, and when she looked back they’d vanished.
She felt a firm tap on her shoulder. “Your turn,” shouted her jumpmaster, a young man with tight blond curls and crooked front teeth.
“I’m not jumping.”
He began maneuvering her, strapping himself to the back of her, pulling hard on each buckle to check it was completely secure.
He’d not heard her above the noise. “I’m not jumping!” she shouted.
“You don’t like dumplings?” he shouted back with a grin, then pulled her goggles down over her eyes. He was teasing her, of course. But then he started moving towards the plane door.
“No!” she said, spreading her arms. “I’m! Not! Jumping!”
“Your choice. But I want you to see the view before deciding.”
She could feel her pulse racing. She took a deep breath and told herself she could do this. She nodded to the jumpmaster. “I’ll look.”
“We’re going to sit,” he said and she obeyed, sitting between his legs, and then together they shimmied along the plane floor towards the doorway. The wind became fiercer, blowing away words, thoughts, breath.
“Put your arm on the handle,” he shouted. “It’s safer.”
She reached for the handle and braced herself. The noise! Her heart drilled at her chest. Below lay a grid of scorched fields, the sea shimmering in the distance.
“See that step on the wheel strut? I’m going to put my right foot on it, and then I want you to do the same.”
She shook her head. “I can’t.”
Very close to her ear, as if his voice were coming from inside her, he said, “Yes, you can.”
Could she? This wasn’t her, jumping from planes. But there was a thrill in stepping so far outside of herself. What would Ed think if he saw me now? She felt a heady sense of defiance and, very slowly, she stretched her foot to reach the wing strut. The pant leg of her jumpsuit flapped furiously in the wind and goose bumps spread across her body.
“You want to do this?” he shouted.
“I don’t know! I don’t know!”
“Cross your arms over your chest.”
She did as he said, feeling as if she were making a prayer of her body. Then she felt him leaning forward to grab an upper handle. Her hairband was snatched by the wind and her hair whipped in front of her goggles.
“No! No!” Panic was thick and acidic in her stomach. Every muscle in her body was clenched tight, arching away from the open exit.
Then she was aware of him leaning farther forward so her whole body was suspended beneath him.
He let go.
Her mouth opened with the utter shock of the free fall, and the insides of her lips turned as dry as the earth below. She hurtled through cold air currents and wisps of clouds. Blood pounded in her ears.
A long, soundless scream burnt in her throat. She was petrified of the parachute failing, the lines getting tangled, an injury on landing—but m
ostly, Katie screamed because as she plummeted through the sky, she could imagine with horrifying clarity her sister’s terror the moment her feet left that cliff top.
12
Mia
(Western Australia, November Last Year)
The soles of Mia’s feet peeled away from the edge and she fell. Her ears were awash with the roar of the wind, the flap of her clothes, the pounding of her heart. Cold air rushed into her mouth, which had opened into a perfect “O.” The sharp pump of adrenaline was so fierce that it seemed as if only getting this close to death had made life start to pulse deep in her veins.
There was a sudden, rough yank and she felt as if she were being hauled upwards. She heard the canopy of her yellow parachute fill with air as it opened like a buttercup blooming.
She took a short, hard gasp of air.
“Okay?” shouted her jumpmaster, who was harnessed to her back.
Her cheekbones hurt from the press of the goggles, and the feeling of weightlessness had vanished as the nylon straps of her harness dug into her upper thighs and waist. “Yes,” she answered finally. “I’m okay.” And then she started to laugh. The sound bubbled from her mouth and was grasped by the wind. Her smile stretched so wide that wind slipped beneath her goggles, making her eyes water. Her whole body shook with delight as they glided towards the ground.
Below, a crimson chute carried Finn. He had jumped first, snapping on his goggles, saluting, and then setting his feet squarely on the wing strut, ready. She had seen him leap from the plane with a grin and, after that, there was no hesitation: if Finn jumped, she would follow.
She made a quick prayer that he would land safely, and watched as his chute collapsed in a soft sweep of red, like a lung exhaling. She imagined him stepping free of his harness and shading the sun from his eyes as he searched the sky for her.
As they neared the ground, the jumpmaster reminded her of the landing instructions. She drew her knees towards her chest while he steered them into the final descent. The ground came up faster than she was expecting and they landed hard, a cloud of dust rising to greet them. The moment she was released from the harness, she raced over to Finn, pulling off her goggles.