by Jess Bentley
Now, I’ve been in Los Angeles for ten years. I put myself through college with scholarships, then got my masters in architecture, and started working at one of the most prestigious firms in the city. I worked my way up from the bottom, and now I’m a partner, living the life one would expect from a single guy in LA making a shit-ton of money. A different girl every weekend, a different project in a different country every six months. I love it. But at the same time, I’ve never been able to get Parrish out of my mind.
And that makes me feel like an even bigger shit than I already am.
When Matt and Parrish got married, my mother called me and begged me to come home, even if it was just for the reception. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch the only woman I’d ever loved marry my brother. Mom had no idea how I felt about Parrish… no one really did. I don’t even know if she ever told Matt what happened between us and I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. I left her like the asshole I am and she moved on. She had every right to.
But I still think about her all of the time.
“Got it!” Carly yells, waving my passport and driver’s license at me, startling me out of my mindless reverie. She walks over and hands them to me, and I slip them into the front pocket of my briefcase.
“Thanks, Carly. Is the car booked for Helena?”
She hands me a slip of paper. “Luxury SUV. How long is the drive to Dylan?”
“Four hours,” I say with a groan. “I’m not looking forward to it. It’s beautiful, but it’s… dull.”
“Hawk… why did you take this job if you don’t really want to do it?”
I poke through my bag and make sure that the plans I drafted up are there. “Because it’s my family. And it’s the first time they’ve asked me for anything that matters. I haven’t exactly been there for them, and I guess this my way of repaying them a little bit.”
Carly nods. “I get it. Sort of. You don’t exactly talk about them a lot.”
“Yeah, well, there are reasons for that.” I flinch. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that to sound so shitty. It’s just… complicated.”
“It’s family. When isn’t it complicated?”
I chuckle. “You’re right about that. Did you clear my schedule for the next month?”
She shakes her head. “I did. Dennis wasn’t thrilled that you’re using all of the vacation time you’ve accrued at once but he also couldn’t tell you no. So. I’d suggest you sneak out of here before getting caught. Oh, and avoid all emails while you’re gone.”
I grab my bags and throw my briefcase on top of my roller suitcase. “I’ll do what I can. I’m going to get out of here and just stay in one of the hotels near the airport so I can get there early. Call me if you need anything.”
Carly gives me a quick hug and then I dash for the elevators, trying to avoid running into Dennis Bradford, the managing partner at my architecture firm, Bradley & Simon Design. But of course, as I skid to a stop in front of the elevator doors, they open, and Dennis is standing inside, glaring at me.
“Leaving for your vacation, McCormick?”
I force a smile. “It’s hardly a pleasure trip. It’s a working vacation, Dennis. I’m designing a state-of-the-art stable for one of the most respected horse ranches in the country.”
Dennis raises an eyebrow at me. “A stable, you say? What is your plan?”
I hike my bag up on my shoulder and try not to sigh dramatically, since I just want to get out of here as fast as possible. “My plan is to use the Royal Stables at Versailles for inspiration. Lots of natural wood and soft light in the interior, but with technology upgrades to increase the comfort of the animals. The exterior will be more in tune with feel of Montana. I’m thinking a log cabin look, leading out to a brand new riding area. I still have to run the designs by the ranch owner, but I don’t suspect a lot of pushback.”
Dennis taps his finger against his chin. “I’m going to contact some friends at a few design magazines. If you’re going to be gone for a month, it shouldn’t be a total loss for the firm. You better not duck my calls if I try to get in touch with you.”
“Of course not, sir,” I say through gritted teeth as I walk past him on to the elevator. I pull out my phone and pretend that I see an important email. “Ah, shit. Looks like my client is demanding a call. Can I get back to you once I get settled in Montana?”
He scowls at me. “Fine. But I’m seriously, McCormick. If anyone calls you from the magazines, you better answer.”
I salute him as the doors shut, then once they are firmly closed, I flip him off and slide my phone back in my pocket. When I get outside the building, the car is already waiting to take me to the hotel, where I will have eight hours to sit, and contemplate how I’m going to deal with seeing my family again for the first time in eight years.
And Parrish.
What the fuck am I going to say to Parrish?
Chapter 3
Parrish
The clock over the oven dings as the turkey is done. It’s my night to make dinner, and since it’s Friday, I usually try to do something fancy, which means my modified Thanksgiving feast. I’ve been cooking the turkey for hours, making stuffing and potatoes and cranberry sauce from scratch, and even baked a cherry pie for dessert. The boys are out of town for a competition, so it’s just me, Sam, Candy, Anna, and Gracie, which is fine by me. When the brothers are here, it’s always chaos, so I tend to relish the quiet of nights when they’re all busy doing their own thing.
Candy comes dancing into the kitchen, more happy and light than I think I’ve seen her in ages.
“What’s got you so perky, mama?” I ask as Candy picks up the bowl of potatoes.
“I just can’t believe he’s going to be here for a whole month! Can you believe it? I can’t believe it, Parrish!”
I bend over to baste the turkey before I pull it out of the oven. “Who?”
“Hawk, of course!”
I feel like someone has poked me in the ass with a cattle prod. My hand jolts in the air, bumps into the burner, and I scream. Candy rushes over and takes my hand in hers, tsk-ing lightly.
“Goodness gracious, Parrish! What has gotten into you?”
I run over to the sink and run my hand under the faucet. “Candy, what are you talking about? Hawk isn’t coming here… is he?”
She doesn’t have time to answer, because Sam comes sauntering into the kitchen. “What in the galdurn is going on in here?”
“Sam… what didn’t you tell me this morning?”
He raises an eyebrow and then registers what I’m talking about, before taking several steps back toward the dining room. I wrap a towel around my hand and follow him out. “Sam! Don’t you slither out of here. What is going on?”
Sam sighs. “Hawk is the architect working on the new stables. When I told him about the job, he offered and I there was no way I was going to say no. I can’t afford to say no. Besides, what’s the difference, Parrish? He’s our son, same as the others. And he won’t get in your way.”
I bite my lip and choke back the urge to scream. Anna is the only one who knows what happened with Hawk now… Candy and Sam don’t have absolutely no idea, and I worked my ass off to keep it that way. It never came up, anyway. He’s been gone for ten years; he couldn’t even be bothered to come back when Matt died. Part of me wanted to hate him for staying away, for not having the balls to come here and support us when we lost Matt. But another, selfish part of me was happy that he didn’t come back. The last thing I wanted to deal with as we all adjusted to the loss was the awkwardness of seeing Hawk again. But the truth was, the awkwardness wasn’t magically going to disappear now. Ten years, two years, it doesn’t matter. I have never totally forgiven Hawk for disappearing after the graduation party and the idea of seeing him again now makes me want to throw up.
“Parrish! Gracie is awake and she’s asking for you!” Anna shouts from the living room where my little girl has been napping on the couch. I sigh and run in there to get her ready for dinn
er. Anna is already holding her out to me and gives me a sly smile.
“So. You heard.”
Anna shrugs, and tries to hide a smirk. She may be like my sister, but she stills has a love of drama, especially when it doesn’t involve her.
“Yeah, I heard. How long have you known?” I ask as I take a still-groggy Gracie into the bathroom to get her cleaned up for dinner.
“I just found out this afternoon, I promise,” Anna says, standing in the doorway. “I would have told you, you know that. Honestly, I’m not thrilled about it either. And he knows it. I think he was a jerk for staying away this long, but mom and dad forgive him anything because he’s the first. He could burn down the ranch and they’d chuck him on the shoulder and tell him it was their fault for making it so flammable.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Sad but true. Dammit, Annie. How the hell am I going to survive this?”
“You’ll survive it because you have to. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I think you know that, Pare.”
I throw Gracie over my shoulder and give her a pat on the butt, which makes her giggle. Then I do the same to Anna as I walk past her, and she chases after us, making Gracie laugh even harder. We all skid into the dining room and Sam and Candy are already sitting at the table. Candy shakes her head with a smile, but Sam looks stern.
“I thought girls were supposed to make less noise than boys,” he says as he carves the turkey. I put Gracie in her high chair, and Anna and I sit down as quietly and properly as we can. But then Anna clears her throat.
“If girls were quieter than boys, you wouldn’t have an office manager or a stable master. You’d just have a bunch of jerks who spend all of their time jumping and racing and never calling home.”
I almost choke on the tea I’m drinking. If there is one thing Anna can be counted on for, it’s speaking her mind. And I can tell by look on Sam’s face he’s not amused.
“Why don’t we have a nice, quiet dinner? In silence?” Sam says before handing out slices of turkey.
Anna shrugs. “Suits me fine, Pa.”
Candy just shakes her head and I look over at my little girl, grateful she’s still too little to pick up on sarcasm.
It’s after midnight, and I’m sitting in my bed in the carriage house, a quilt wrapped around my shoulders and the TV humming gently in the background. Gracie is asleep in her room, and I’m enjoying just about the only time of day I actually get to be alone. It’s also when I pull out my wedding album sometimes, and look through it. I don’t like everyone else to know how much I still miss having a real family, because they’ve all come to see me as the strong one. But I’m not. I run my fingers along the outline of his sweet face. Matt looked nothing like the rest of his brothers. He was smaller, his face more gentle. He had the same stormy ocean-blue eyes as the rest of boys, but his blonde hair was already starting gray when we got married, and it carried down into his beard. When he laughed, it was with pure joy, and the room would light up with his happiness. Even now, I feel the absence of it, and I can’t imagine any man ever filling my life up like that again.
I see Matt’s eyes, his smile, and his infectious laugh in Gracie. They would have been the best of friends; I know it every time I look at her. And I try to picture ever letting anyone else into her life in that way. It feels impossible. I’m barely thirty-two-years-old, I have a little girl, and I can’t help but wonder…
Is this it for me? Is this the rest of my life?
Chapter 4
Hawk
I pull the truck off the two-lane highway that leads to my family’s ranch, and before I drive through the gate, I pull over and take a deep breath. Not only did I forget how much I hate to drive, but I wasn’t expecting to feel so many conflicting emotions about being back here. When I hit the road that lead into Dylan from the interstate, all of my memories of growing up here came flooding back, and I was overcome with nostalgia. And sadness, and guilt. And then I was hit with the realization that Matt wouldn’t be at the ranch when I got there, and it somehow intensified everything. By the time I get to the ranch, I might be having a legitimate panic attack.
So now, I’m just sitting here, taking slow breaths in and out, wondering if it’s too late to turn around and go back to the airport. But then, I hear a horn honking as a truck and trailer pull up next to me. I turn, and it’s my dad, grinning and waving at me. I roll down the window and smile.
“Hey, Pop!”
“My boy! You’re here! I could have picked you up at the airport if you’d told me when you were getting in,” he shouts over the rumbling of his giant pickup.
“It’s fine, I didn’t want you to waste the time driving there and back. Head on in, Dad. I’ll meet you at the house!”
He waves again and drives off, and I take a last deep breath and follow him down the long dirt road that leads through the pastures that surround the ranch. Every marker I pass, a willow tree, a stretch of fence, conjures up another memory of being a kid here. Of growing into a man here. Of not being the man I needed to be for my family, when they needed me most.
I suddenly realize that, all these years, I’ve been really good at stifling down the guilt I felt over leaving, and for not coming back after Matt. But now, it’s washing over me all at once, like a tidal wave.
This is going to be an awesome month, I think as I pull the rental truck up in front of the main house. I don’t even have time to turn it off before I see my mother running out on the front steps, waving and laughing and smiling so happily, it puts a knot in my throat. I get out of the truck, and mom is on me, hugging me and kissing my cheeks before I can even shut the door.
“My baby! You’re home! I’ve missed you so much!” I start laughing as she holds me so tight, I can barely breathe.
“It’s good to see you, mama. I’m sorry I…”
She puts her hand in front of my mouth to stop me from continuing. “It’s all in the past. You just get inside and let your mama get you some food.”
“Mom, I ate on the plane. I really don’t need…”
I don’t have time to finish because I look up, and my sister Anna is standing on the steps to the house, her arms crossed over her chest, scowling at me like she wants to wring my neck. Her bright red hair is flaming in the sunlight, and her eyes are flashing with a rage I don’t think I’ve ever seen in her before.
“Hey, Anna,” I say as I walk up to her.
“Hey, asshole,” she answers, not making a move toward me.
“I deserve that.”
“No kidding,” she says as she surveys me. “You’re too thin. Don’t you eat out there?”
I try to keep my laugh to a minimum, afraid of setting off my spitfire of a sister. “I eat. I’ve missed you, Banana.”
“You could have come home at any time. I can think of a few specifically…”
Dad walks up and stands in between us. “Children. Can we save this for later? Hawk just got here. Let him get settled in, and then you can continue making him feel like hell. Does that seem fair?”
“I guess so. How is four p.m.? Does that work for you, Hawk?” Anna asks with a smirk. I scrub her head as I walk by her into the house, and when I step into the hallway, I’m overwhelmed with memories again. Nothing has changed: the decorations, the paintings, even the flowers my mother arranges in the vases are exactly the same. Dad pats me firmly on the back and points up the stairs.
“Your room is just how you left it. But Gracie and Parrish have their own room in the house now, just for sleepovers, and it’s right next door. So, if we keep Gracie, she may be paying you a visit or two. She likes to crawl out of her bed and wander.”
I try to hide a flinch at the thought of being in the same house with Parrish. “I thought they lived in the carriage house? Why would they need to stay here?”
“What’s it to you, chump?” Anna asks, poking her head out from behind dad. I scrunch up my face and shake my head.
“I was just asking. No need to make a f
ederal case out of it. Where is… Parrish… anyway?” I can see Anna roll her eyes, but luckily dad can’t see her and mom is busying herself with my suitcase.
“She’s in the office, and Gracie is at her little day school. I can’t believe you’re finally going to meet your niece after two years!”
Anna scoffs. “Yeah, it is super hard to get on a plane and fly home when you have suitcases full of money and travel all of the time for work anyway.”
Dad turns around and pops Anna on the back of the head. “Young lady, I’m going to need you to take several huge steps back and readjust your attitude, just so we can all have a pleasant month. If it’s going to be a problem, you can go stay with Parrish in the carriage house and stick to the stables for the rest of the time.”
Anna throws her hands up in the air. “Fine! It’s out of my system. Mostly. But I make no promises.” And then she stomps back out of the house, leaving me along with my parents. They are both grinning at me, staring, like they are waiting for me to perform. I rock back and forth on my heels.
“So… where are the rest of the guys?”
“Your brothers are at a competition in Austin this week. They wanted to be here to greet you but we needed some McCormick faces there to represent the ranch. And I wanted to make sure I was able to help you get started on the plans and everything. But that’s for later! Go get settled in, and maybe after dinner, we can take a stroll around the property. You can reacquaint yourself with the area, since it’s been so long since you were home last,” dad says as he walks me over to the staircase that leads up to the “kid’s” side of the house. I walk slowly up the stairs, away from my grinning parents, and toward the room that I spent my entire childhood in. When I open the door, I swear, my heart stops beating, because my dad was right.