She slips off her undergarments and disrobes me.
“I want to feel you,” she whispers.
Suddenly eager to fulfill her needs, I submit to her desires. Eventually her body tenses, and she squeezes me tight. It subsides, and I fall next to her on the bed. I feel accomplished yet disgusted. What have I done?
We lie next to each other on the bed for a moment, collecting ourselves. Or in my case, regurgitating all the shame I just soaked up with my choices. “My father once told me part of being a man is being able to control your impulses and emotions. I want to apologize. I should have refused you. It doesn’t feel right taking a woman for the first time who isn’t fully engaged. That’s not me. That’s not who I want to be.”
“I beg to differ based on what climbed out of your trousers,” she rips back at me, all seduction abandoned from her character. “So what’s the problem? Are you afraid?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. What about you?” I reply, tensions rising. “You expect me to believe you’ve never been with a man before?”
“Yes.”
“If that’s true, why now?” My hairline is damp, and my heart beats hastily.
“I couldn’t resist. Your hands. They’re strong yet gentle too. You’re…effective with them. And that tongue. Most men who enjoy the pleasures of Madrone’s are not accustomed to working with their hands. Tongues, perhaps, but in an off-putting manner. You… You’re unique.”
“I shouldn’t be here.” I reach for my garments, and she reaches for my hand.
“You probably won’t believe this either, but I’m certain that was my first…” She pauses then continues with barely a whisper. “…climax.”
“Tigershit! Now you’re bashing my pride.” I tear away and retrieve my trousers.
“I’m being truthful. The Matron isn’t going to be pleased with this.” Her voice quivers. “I’ve always been what she refers to as her pillow doll—a true maiden to tease and entice the clientele into wanting and spending more. Until now, I always resisted, and if they wanted more, the Matron protected me. She refused anyone to have me the way you did. The way you made me feel… Now that I truly know what it feels like…” Her eyes begin to well. “It’s all over. It’s never going to be the same. It’ll never be the same…”
“Ash…” I feel more disgusted with myself than ever. I want to hug her, but I’m afraid. Is a hug appropriate for a pillow girl? I place a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“I’ve made a mistake,” she continues soberly. “I won’t be protected anymore, and I’ll be forced to pleasure men whenever and however they desire. I’ve seen bruises. Blood. Horror. The Matron protects us but only to a certain level of funding. Limitless coin frenzies the vilest desires. I was safe, I was protected, but now…” She leans into my shoulder. “What shall I do?”
I wipe the tears from her cheeks and stare into her eyes. Her grief appears to be genuine. “I…I don’t know, Ash. I’m new to this. I’ve never had to…”
Ash leans in and heedlessly weeps. I embrace her without hesitation.
“Ash, I can take you with me. I don’t know where that is, but I will see to it that you’re safe until we figure something out. It’ll be okay.”
“Following an acquaintance to an unknown location… No, my place is here. The Matron is like a mother to me. I think, maybe… Maybe she will understand. This won’t change anything, right?” she asks. “I’ll be able to control myself as I always have. I’ll make it work, but…thank you. Now, I believe I owe you something in return.”
Ash hadn’t heard rumors regarding Jaymes, but it wasn’t all for naught. She knew of a female that fit Astor’s description perfectly. And the last time I saw them, they were together. She insisted I stop by again sometime before sending me off with a farewell kiss.
The walk down the thoroughfare is a bit of a blur. I’m unable to focus on much other than Ash, her soft touch, and, well… I relive it over and over. I’m grateful, but it doesn’t feel right. It did feel right, but it didn’t feel right. Is that what it’s always like? I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t right. I shouldn’t feel so…so…guilty. The elation and guilt spar in my mind until my destination is in sight.
The Shalesheep Inn was the last place Astor had been seen, according to Ash, no more than a few days ago. A paltry clue, at best. But I’m still grateful.
Distracted as I am at the moment, I see the faces of those around me, but not really. As I stare outward, visions of our intimacy reoccur in my mind. The pleasure… But the guilt I feel for taking advantage of her is too much for me to bask in it. Why was it so hard to make the right choice? Worse, it endangers my life being so distracted. I have to focus, or this will turn into a clumsy failure like most everything in my life.
I approach the counter and ask the keep if he knows the whereabouts of Astor Greyheart. The cantankerous individual informs me names are of no concern to him, so I follow up with a description. He remains no help.
Maybe, like Ash, he’s expecting something in return.
“My apologies. I don’t get out…uh…” I reach for a copper in my coin pouch and come up empty. The keep glares at me like an insect he wants to put between his foot and the floor. “My apologies, sir.” He gestures for me to move along, but I ignore him. I dig deeper into my pockets and nothing. I rummage through my satchel, but nothing.
“Ash!” I think out loud. “A satisfying hoodwink. That…ugh!”
“Not my problem,” the keep declares and pokes at me with a cane he produces from behind the counter. “Move along, lad. No coin, no business.”
Miss Ashiela was genuine—emotionally and physically. I’m sure of it. And sweet. She obviously leads a life of little opportunity, so I suppose desperation is at play. She wouldn’t have done it otherwise. Would she? Maybe she truly was afraid of Madam Cocoa so she took the ribs to start anew. I just wish I hadn’t been the opportunity.
“Move along, lad.” The keep prods me again.
I look up at him, my face turned upside down. Then I turn and trudge away. However, without a new destination, I don’t make it far.
I linger in the lounge, which is not more than ten paces from the innkeeper. The crowd coming and going is the perfect guise for my loitering. I remain seated in an armchair, watching passersby.
As I’m hunched forward, clicking my fingernails, and staring at my feet, a solid nudge on my shoulder alerts me. I nearly jump from my seat, ready to… I’m not quite sure. “Astor!” I rise to greet her. I squeeze her.
The truth of Ash’s words nullifies my empty coin pouch. I must return to thank her someday. Though, that probably isn’t the best idea. I’ll keep her in good memory, I think.
I pull back from Astor, to see a stunned expression on her face. A familiar face, even if only an acquaintance, is appreciated. She remains as beautiful as I remember. A charming smile appears and lightens my mood. I move in to embrace her again, regardless of how inappropriate it is. I notice a fragrance about her this time that is very addictive. Refreshing and sweet and…familiar.
“Stone,” she stammers and pulls away to make eye contact. “Stone, how… How did you… It’s great to see you.”
I raise a hand between us and press it down repeatedly to signal for a quieter conversation. “Where’s she at?” I speak quietly to set the tone. “I thought maybe she’d be with you. Is she okay?”
“Who?”
“Jaymes.”
“Oh yes, your sister. Yes, she’s safe.”
“What happened? The two of you just disappeared. There were bodies. Where is Jay now?” There are too many questions needing answers.
“It was a lady in red—if she can truly be called a lady.” Her brow turns inward, and her smile turns glum. “She murdered Nero and Crescia. And nearly me too. If I hadn’t persuaded her I was necessary for Jaymes’s recovery, I wouldn’t be standing here now. Dear Susy, I barely made it here. Even after convincing her I was a necessity. She turned your sister a
gainst me, Stone. She’s dreadful.”
“Jaymes? Against you?” I scratch at my chin. “Has she recovered? Where is she?”
“Yes, Jaymes was near full health when I saw her last. She is doing well.”
“So, where is she?” I ask yet again. Why is she dodging my foremost question?
“We were able to escape from the lady in red during our trek to the capital. Jaymes was positive you and Goose would follow us north, so we decided to risk getting captured again to rendezvous with you here in the capital.”
“Goose and I split ways,” I clarify. “He’s headed west to Greybark. Where is Jaymes?”
“Jaymes is with Goose.” She spits out in a rush of words, finally answering my question. A silent, dumbfounded moment passes before she expounds. “We crossed paths with him. Jaymes decided to head west with him instead of enduring another click with me. I’m afraid she isn’t fond of me after our venture.”
“How would you have crossed paths with Goose?”
She looks away, out across the growing crowd in the lounge. “You know Goose. He boasts and boasts about his greatness. Well, I believe he had a reality check when he discovered he’d been traveling north. Jaymes and I set him in the right direction, however.” She glances at me but shifts her body away and fails to make eye contact.
“Yeah, I suppose what you’re telling me resonates with Goose, but how could he possibly get so off track? And why wouldn’t they both want to come find me?”
“I don’t know the answer to that, Stone. I can see your dismay, and I’m sorry. Goose was unwavering in his decision to get to Greybark. So, I offered to continue north to find you and relay the message. It was far easier than expected, thankfully. I thought I’d be roaming this city for an eternity. I figured nesting near the port the best approach. And here you are!” She smiles, but it looks forced.
“He always has been a bit selfish and somewhat secretive, and he was adamant about heading in that direction when we split. But I still find it odd. And offensive.” I sit down and look to my feet. I doubt they’ll give me the answers I want to hear, but it feels better than looking at Astor right now. Is she lying to me? If they knew my destination, why wouldn’t they wait for me? And invite me along? I don’t have any cause not to trust her. Everything I know of Astor thus far has been pure, but it is strange the two of them wouldn’t want to connect with me themselves. “So, both Jay and Goose are safe and heading west to Greybark? Together?” I reiterate for confirmation.
“Yes,” she replies with an innocent smile and moves closer to place a hand on my shoulder. “You can relax.”
I reply with a deep sigh. Upon my inhale, a waft of honeyed lavender rushes in. The familiar smell when she first approached me, it’s yao grass. It grows throughout Great Oak Forest back home. The white flowers—or maybe it’s the little black fruitlets—have the same aroma. A sense of repose consumes me. Like a weight has been lifted. “Okay,” I reply.
“So, where to next? I would suspect you can’t go home to the Broken Forest.” She takes a seat across from me.
“Home… The Broken Forest?” The words don’t feel true. “I haven’t considered the next stop. I was so determined to find Jay. I suppose I’ll be heading to Greybark to reunite with them.”
“That might not be a good idea,” she says. Rather abruptly. “Goose didn’t believe their visit would be long. He anticipated returning this way to find you.”
She’s right. He only traveled in that direction to seek out a way to oust the Taoiseach, which means he’ll inevitably find his way back here. Even if I attempted to cut them off, we could unknowingly slip past each other at any point. That risk is more than I care for. But why do I sense dishonesty in her? Why would she do that? Maybe I’m not picking up the cues correctly. She has no reason to be dishonest with me.
“You’re right.” The shock on her face that follows is unsettling. I take a moment fringed with a distrustful gaze before continuing. “His ultimate goal was to make his way back here, so it only makes sense I should wait for them here. Is there any way to send word?”
“Not if you don’t know where they are. Plus, the Taoiseach controls the pigeon service.”
The pigeon service. Right. My father used to get messages from Parliament quite frequently. I can send word to Greybark if I can gain access to those birds. But is it worth the risk, knowing they’ll be headed this way eventually? It could take months for them to make the journey their and back. Of course it’s worth it. “Where are the birds located?”
She pulls back in her seat. “Flight chamber, perhaps. But I’ve never seen them in there. So, somewhere within the Redwood Chamber, I suppose. Where he keeps all his business. That place is lined with corridors and rooms unknown to most. But it would be silly to try—”
“It’s an option I need to consider.” I cut her off. “What about you? What’s your plan?”
“Well…I haven’t really thought that far ahead either. The lady in red was a rather long hiccup in my daily routine. I don’t have anyone to go back to except Gunther. My family is…” She interlaces her fingers and fiddles her thumbs. She doesn’t finish her sentence.
I can only suspect bereavement.
She continues. “My two closest friends were murdered by Ellia.”
“I’m sorry. I assumed you knew them, but…” I trail off, unsure how to console her. “So, Ellia is the Woman-in-Red?” I ask, more concerned about the criminal than her dead friends. Is that egotistical?
“Yes.”
At last! A name to attach to Jay’s captor.
“I don’t wish to judge, but she was so vile. So offensive. The only reason she can be called a woman is because of her physical characteristics. There is no lady in her whatsoever. You know, Stone—”
“Please, call me Elder.” I interject and look about the lounge. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, but none of them are looking. “Elder Alderock is my name now. I must leave my past in the Broken Forest along with my home.”
“Oh. Of course, an alias to protect yourself. Elder.” She corrects herself and continues to what she was saying before I interrupted. “I was thinking…” she looks down at the table we’re seated at. “How would you like to prevent situations like this in the future?”
“What do you mean? What situations?” I ask. “Do you mean my sister being abducted by a tyrant for a crime she didn’t commit? How could we possibly prevent that?”
“No.” She shakes her head quizzically. “Situations in which you cannot control the outcome of survival.”
I respond with my own puzzled expression.
“I mean…wouldn’t you have liked to prevent having to bring Jaymes to me in the first place? If you would have been able to heal her yourself, she would never have been captured. Correct?”
“That sounds extreme. I don’t think it’s up to me whether someone lives or dies, but yes, of course I would like to have healed Jay myself. And I might’ve been able to if it wasn’t for Goose’s foolish decision. What are you suggesting?”
“You don’t have a home, right? And you’ll be in limbo waiting for them to return, so why not fill that time by educating yourself? I know all there is about provisional healing, but it’s not enough. I was thinking, if you joined the Academy to improve your knowledge of the Seasonal Sciences, then the two of us together could create a specialized healing clinic for those in need. What do you think, Stone? I mean, Elder.”
“That is absurd! The only reason I’m here is to find my sister. I don’t have time for side ventures.”
“The night we met, I recall your childhood dream was to become a Noxelite. That or to play for the Iron Eagles. No?”
“Yes. But that was my past. And I must leave my past behind. What of it?”
“This is your opportunity,” she asserts and reaches across the table to cradle my hands.
Her touch is gentle, welcoming. And her scent… It’s reminiscent of the meadows in the Great Oak Forest. My true home. It puts me at
ease.
“It sounds profitable, but it’s a loaded question. There’s a lot of risk. I’m not exactly a free man. The Taoiseach is clearly determined to eliminate the McLarin family. And the Academy is controlled by him. Sounds a bit too close to the lion’s teeth if you ask me. Besides, from what I know, the Academy is not for the poor. I have nothing. I can’t even afford a room at the Shalesheep Inn.” I turn my coin pouch upside down. “Plus, think about the immense amount of dedication it will require. I’d be far too distracted to take it seriously. I can’t, Astor. It’s impossible.”
“It’s time to start your life, Sto… Elder. When have you ever had an opportunity to seek out what you wanted? Not something essential, obligated, or forced, but something you simply desired. You’re in limbo. You have time.”
“Well, I have tasted a small sample in my short time here…” I don’t expand on what it is I’ve been doing.
“And have you enjoyed it?”
“Uh…yes,” I stammer shamefully.
“Then, let’s turn your life around. Make it yours again. Your sister is safe, I promise. You can do this, Elder.”
“The answer is no, Astor. I can’t. Not until I know for certain Jay is no longer in peril. I just can’t.”
Humiliation is not sought after or coveted by any man. Yet, it benefits us all. The knowledge embedded within humility is unique to each individual and, therefore, should be held with the highest of achievements. Yet we deter it and shame it as though it doesn't belong in our lives. We are immature, to say the least. All of us.
27 Goose
T he villagers are a rowdy group. As I lie awake massaging away a headache to recover from the night prior, I relive some of the moments and ponder on the personalities I’ve become acquainted with. The villagers, as a whole, are wise and composed when necessary, but the enthusiasm behind their celebrations is incomparable. In my time here, maybe a month has gone by, and they have celebrated every evening. Even the Redcliffe Warriors themselves, Graytu included, refuse to omit themselves from the merrymaking. I find myself enjoying the stay, but it’s proving to be a huge distraction.
Season of Sacrifice (Blood of Azure Book 1) Page 32