I cock my head at her. “How do you know this?” I take a deep breath and breathe in her honeyed-lavender aroma. The severity of what she’s telling me loses its weight, and I suddenly feel at ease with all of it. I’m close enough to see her imperfections, and I adore them. A large mole under her right ear just behind her softly defined jawline. Freckles gently sprinkling her cheeks. A subtle scar just above her left brow. I want to feel the softness of her skin.
“You’ve entertained the idea of attending his academy, but why? I know it wasn’t my persuasion.” I beg to differ. It has been all her doing, and I can’t explain it. But I don’t open that door.
“Because I knew I could get closer to him,” I answer. “Because it is the only means to give Jay a life of freedom.”
“But did you ever truly intend on seeking revenge? Stone, I have only known you for a short time, but you seem to be more of a protector, not an aggressor.”
“The sight of him animates my emotions, but I suppose you’re right. There is something keeping me from acting. I don’t have the rage somebody ought to if their parents were murdered. What does this mean?” Is something wrong with me? Why don’t I lust for revenge?
“Stone, it means you don’t have full control. I don’t know the extent of it, but somehow, he has a grasp on either your emotions or quite possibly your actions. In some way or another, he is manipulating you, Stone. I know how you must feel.”
How could she possibly know how I’m feeling? She circles the table and takes a seat across from me. A warmth I didn’t realize was consuming me washes away with her retreat.
“I too had an encounter with the Taoiseach when I was younger. There was an incident in my youth. The incident in which I lost my father. There is more to the story.” She takes a long pause and fiddles with her thumbs on the table. “Much more.”
“That’s understandable, Astor,” I attempt to console her. “Death isn’t an easy conversation. Human emotion prefers to lock it away where it cannot cause any more pain than it needs to.”
“You don’t understand.”
She lowers her head into her shoulder. A subtle sniffle erupts into tears. She quickly smothers them and looks me in the eye. Her cheeks are red, eyes pooling, and amidst her sorrow, I want to comfort her. But I stay put across the table.
“There is something I must attempt to explain. The Taoiseach, that demon, has me in the palm of his hand. I didn’t only lose my father that day. I lost a sister as well.” She withdraws and stirs uncomfortably in her seat. “I didn’t lose her to Azure. She remains alive. The Taoiseach calls her a handmaiden and believes it to be more of a servitude with potential. But reality is she is a slave in his manor. The reason I know what that mark is…” She cups her hand over her mouth and nose to stifle a sniffle. “…is because he’s planted one of those marks on her as well. And removed her ability to speak. He confines her to his estate, and she obeys him. The only way I can explain her acceptance of servitude is that mark. He controls her. She is a prisoner, Stone. His pawn. As am I. He’s forcing my hand.”
I don’t know what to say. She has a sister? I say the next thing that comes to mind. “With his passion for etiquette, you’d think enslaving someone would be out of the question.” She leans back in her chair, but refrains from rebutting my stupidity. She’s much brighter than me.
“There is more.” Her eyes lower to the table where her fingers are fidgeting. Her agitation is making me uncomfortable. “I had no intention of ever divulging my secrets. To protect her, you see. My sister. You do this for yours. I do this for mine. And for all we know, he has Jay under his control as well.”
“Wait…” I pull the chair out and sit back down across from her. “You don’t know where Jay is?”
“I can’t do this.” She buries her face in her palms. More tears. Aggressive bursts of hysteria. Her words are muffled by her hands. “I cannot keep silent any longer. This is more than I ever signed up for. To tear down another’s life. That isn’t me. This isn’t what I do. I never intended it to go this far.”
She inhales a deep breath to subdue the hysteria. Like a praying disciple, she methodically pulls her face from hiding, palms flat together, held tight to her mouth. Her eyes snap from the table to mine.
“He is fully aware of your admittance into the Academy, Stone. I don’t know what his plans are for you, but I can only imagine—”
“It’s all a charade.” My thoughts are flying so fast, I cannot keep up with them. I rise to my feet, letting the chair crash to the floor. I start pacing, not knowing how I should feel. Am I supposed to be angry? She has been lying to me this whole time. What else has she been lying about? Was my sister kidnapped by the Woman-in-Red, or was Astor the offender this whole time? “Where’s my sister?” I demand.
“Stone, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was being manipulated just as you—”
“Where is my sister?” I repeat.
“I meant it when I said she was safe. After we were kidnapped by Ellia, the story of me escaping was true. I knew nothing about that evil woman. I fled to the capital to visit Sasha, as I regularly do. He allows me to see her, you see, but in return for her safety, he has requests of me I cannot refuse. When he became aware of our acquaintance, he knew he had a grasp on you. That is when I approached you at the Shalesheep Inn. And thus far, it has played out as he anticipated. He pulls all our strings. But not always. Not all the time. Not right at this moment. Stone, I am so sorry.”
“You haven’t told me where she is.” I stop pacing and devour her evading tongue with a glare that will burn it from her mouth.
“Stone, please sit down.” She picks up the fallen chair. “Let me get you a warm beverage. Some tea.”
“So you can poison me? Test your medicinal experiments on me? That paraphernalia is likely the Taoiseach’s property as well. Where is she?”
“Stone, I will not use any of my medicines on you against your will. I promise. I do…” she pauses momentarily, pondering her next words. “Stone…” She pauses again. “Your sister is here. In the capital. She’s been boarding at the Martelli Manor for at least a quarter season now. She shares the same fate as my sister, Sasha.”
All anger flushes out of me. Jay is here. With the enemy. She’s been here the entire time, and I’m frolicking about with a young maiden who’s trying to fill my head with Harris’ teachings. What am I doing? “How long have you known?” I ask calmly.
Astor is not the enemy. Erupting won’t get me any closer to Jay. I don’t care why she lied about it. It doesn’t matter if she was protecting her own or if she is as malevolent as the Taoiseach. I just want to find Jay, and she can help me.
“Please, know I have only kept it a secret for my family. I must keep Sasha safe. My only option is to play his games.”
And my only option is to commandeer his pawns. If he has any semblance of control over me as Astor says, then my choices are limited. It makes sense. I never feel aggressive toward him when I’m around him. His teachings aggravate me but not to the extent I want to murder him. I feel it now, the hate. I could swing Life Bringer down upon his neck and not feel any remorse after what he’s put my family through. But when I’m within a certain proximity, the emotions flee. It’s true. He’s been controlling my emotions. But Astor… My eyes narrow in on her. She sits patiently, watching me with intensity. “Okay.”
“Okay?” She asks as though the question will send us plummeting through a thin sheet of ice.
“I’m unsure how I feel about it, but my feelings won’t change the matter. You were protecting your family. I would have done the same. And I’m going to need your help to save my own.”
“Thank you, Stone!” A wan smile appears on her face.
“What’s the plan? How do we get them out?”
“I still want to teach Survival Sciences at the Academy. I suppose that dream can be washed out unless we usurp Harris.” Her eyes widen. “Oh dear, forget I said that. We can’t go down
that path. I’m not a murderer. I don’t know, Stone. I don’t know what the plan is. I can’t deny him. I can’t. It’s too risky. Stone…” she pauses. There are more secrets she’s withholding.
Astor slips her blouse down below her shoulder just enough for me to see it. “Stone…” she says compassionately, “I too have a mark. He can sense me. It’s too risky.” Her mark is darker and more defined, just the same as the day it burned into her skin, I presume.
I move around the table and brush my fingertips over it as if I can relieve the phantom pain. I know I can’t. Her warmth returns to me, causing me to linger. The scent of lavender and honey overwhelming me. She places her hand over top of mine and looks up to me. Her eyes the color of a cloudless, cool winter’s sky reflected in a glacier. They are beautiful. I let all resistance fall away, and I lean in to kiss her. She doesn’t flinch. Not this time. She kisses back. A great weight falls away alongside the resistance I’ve been holding onto. She’s beautiful, courageous, a leader, irresistible. A woman worth kissing.
She rises to her feet, and the kiss advances into more. I press my hands firmly against the small of her back, drawing her closer. She runs curious fingers along the contours of my shoulders and down around my back. She allows me to pull her in tighter. My hands meander lower around her waist.
“I’m a lady!” she bursts. I hope I didn’t offend her. “I’m sorry. I can’t. Not like this.”
“Y-yes. Of course. My apologies. I didn’t mean…” I take a step back and straighten out my tunic.
“No, no, don’t apologize. It’s not you. I just… My father raised me to be a lady, and I will honor that.” She pauses, making the awkward moment stretch.
“Your sister. My sister. We should get back on topic.”
My lack of truths has caused an uproar in the religion. The Advocates and their disciples are changing their tune. I must find a way to communicate the importance of my actions. It will take too long to invent a new deity before… before we extinguish our own light.
38 Goose
T he Redcliffe Guardian ignores Zoie’s outcries—or it’s quite possible he cannot hear her over his own massive bellowing.
“Coloss! He’s not dead, Coloss! Your kin, he’s not dead.”
He disregards her, snarling, howling, and banging his hairy meat cleavers upon the ground in a fit of territorial rage. He stops abruptly as if it were a delayed reaction to her outcries. The beast turns toward Zoie, whose glare impales the ape. Coloss grunts and grievously dismisses her before turning his attention back on me. I’m not sure what was just communicated there, but it didn’t calm the beast.
How many times I’ve thought it would be quite convenient to speak to an animal. Like when the lazy tiger, Helios, won’t move his ass to get off my bed mat. And a few stray dogs may have been spared the boot, too, from time to time could I have just told them to piss off. I’ve been so hesitant to believe it, but now when the time is most dire, and I know the truth of it, I fall short with my ability. I don’t know how to tame this beast.
A voracious chill sweeps through me. Emotions are being communicated, and I can’t translate them. Though, we may be too far along for talking, whether with my tongue or these Instincts I haven’t figured out. Hand on my kukri, I ready myself for his attack.
Zoie rushes the giant ape. In his frenzy of madness, without beholding her, his hairy trunk swipes across her body to rid himself of the distraction. She flies and cracks through several branches of the fig tree before hitting the ground with a disturbing thud. His eyes are focused solely on me with death igniting inside them.
“Zoie!” Coloss and his kin flee my thoughts as I give him a wide berth and hurry to check on her.
Her body is broken with two branches protruding from her chest. But she remains alive. “Don’t kill him,” she rasps and coughs up blood.
I cradle an arm around her head. “Coloss?” I ask, baffled by her question.
“Not you,” she spits back, still fiery in her moment of pain.
“Huh?”
“Don’t do it. We need him.” Her lips aren’t moving. She’s looking through me. Not at me. “Coloss…I need him.”
She uses her Instincts. It doesn’t come through as words I can hear or anything I would be able to explain without sounding like a lunatic. It’s more like an emotion perfectly translated. I know what she feels, and I sense her intentions. Zoie is young and vulnerable. She knows too much about loss. We all do. And she has nobody within this village that isn’t an authority figure or beast that has grown attached to her as I have. She fears what will become of her if she loses her only friend. If she loses me. She coughs more violently than before. And more blood coats her lips. She takes a few long blinks. Her eyes close and don’t open again.
“Zoie?” I say tenderly. I give her a gentle nudge. “Zoie!” I place my hand on her chest and feel nothing. I lay my ear to her mouth, and there isn’t the faintest breath. I put my head to her chest, nor is there a heartbeat. Nothing. “Zoie!” I give her a solid nudge and shake her gently. “You’re a survivor. That’s all you know. That’s who you are, Zoie.” I squeeze her, and there’s nothing in return.
I pull away as a rough texture develops between us. A thin, grey bark consumes her, creeping around her lifeless body. It envelops her flesh like the camouflage I witnessed in the grove. She’s dead. And for what? Because I asked her to help me befriend some stupid ape. That is no reason to die.
I turn my attention back toward Coloss, the cause of this disaster, and he’s back in his damned tree. He has no concern for his youngling. Nor for Zoie. Or anyone in this village. Guardian of what? Why is he the Redcliffe Guardian if all he guards is his fucking tree? He’s reckless. This ape needs to die. My hands tremble, and all coherent thoughts flee me. My life is no longer of concern. I only desire to seek revenge for Zoie’s death.
I let it all go. All concern I have ever had. All selfish thoughts are whisked away. Any desire for greatness is a thing of the past with Zoie’s life taken before my eyes. None of that matters anymore.
A flood of emotions blasts me. Not my own, but from the forest around me. My Instincts are fully revealed for the first time. I want to cry with joy at the sensation of it all, but my rage is too much. It’s what I imagine it feels like to see the color of a rose petal for the first time. Or hear a serenading robin when all you could do prior was watch its beak silently open and close. Or taste the succulent sweetness of a starfruit, when all you could do prior was mush an odd texture about your tongue. It’s an entirely new sensation. The same sensation as when Chippie communicates with me, but far more intense. With Chippie, it was like dipping my toes in the water. The brunt force of this wave leaves me wobbly as I take it all in. Its within me. Its within him. Within everything living. I can feel it all around me. Somehow, we are all interconnected, and I’m tapping into it. Not with my thoughts or some form of magical will power. Its more instinctual than that. The forest around me is full of life and certainly not quiet. I cover my ears, but it does nothing. I close my mouth. I shield my eyes. I plug my nose, and none of it stops the flood of emotions I’m experiencing. I can’t stop it.
“Argh!” A horrid, visceral wail escapes me. Then something inaudible to my ears. “Die, ape!” I bellow through the conduit of nature that has overtaken my senses.
The beast’s eyes grow wide at first, then narrow in on me. High on a branch, he moves. I charge the impenetrable fig tree and climb fast to prevent the murderous ape from dropping down on me. He meets me halfway.
The rest of the siamangs, perched on various branches, watch as their guardian handles the intruder. Only a few branches up, I reach the same plane as Coloss. I can feel his hate and anger piercing my heart. I return it tenfold.
“You have no place here. Not anymore. Your time as Guardian is up. I can do better than this.” I gesture down to where Zoie lies, speaking to him through the channels of Instinct. But I know not if he receives them.
“Guardian?”
His emotions translate perfectly. “You…selfish…greed…not worthy.” He bares his teeth and unleashes a snarling growl.
I’m equipped only with my fists and my small blade, neither of which will have any impact on him. I’ll have to improvise. I bound toward him and grip his hairy throat with one hand and the nearest branch with the other. In the heat of the moment, with my emotions running wild, I don’t realize it at first, but several branches of the tree have tethered around him. He tries to rip at them and swat them away without success. His own tree has ensnared him, binding him in place.
The forest is alive. The forest listens to my emotions. And I give it nothing in return.
His bindings tighten, not because of my doing, but his own. And it isn’t the tree he is manipulating. His forearms bulge through the branches until they snap, and he breaks loose. His entire body, legs, fists, all grow to nearly double the size. His tree decides it no longer wishes to carry the added mass, and the branch below us cracks.
When the branch gives way, another swoops in and wraps around Coloss’ left arm, and then another around his right arm, just as I had him bound. But this time he’s responsible. The two branches retract, pulling his arms taught, keeping him suspended. All the while, I’m still gripping his neck, with both hands now, in duress rather than hostility. We are face-to-face. His hot, musty breath puffs down on me and smells of rotten bananas. Cliché, but true. And it’s a foul aroma. His pupils are dilated, nostrils flared, and his fur as black as the grim. He blames me for the death of Zoie and his kin. It’s more than a wisp of emotion lost between beast and man’s ability to communicate. I can now translate what he throws at me.
I snap out of my delusional rage that I could ever overcome an ape twice my size and growing. I need to end this now. I unsheathe my kukri and hold it high, my bicep twitching with indecisiveness. I want to pierce his heart with my blade, but what about Zoie? I think back to her last words? Don’t do it. We need him, she said. She was referring to me. Then my mind flies to Graytu and all his lectures of patience and instincts. For months he has endured my ignorance. But he never let up. He believed in me. But this isn’t about me. This is about those I care for. This is about Zoie and Graytu. Stone and Jaymes. All the Redcliffe Warriors that forgave my threatening ignorance. For Coloss’ kin who rely on him. For all the generosities this forest has bestowed upon me. This has nothing to do with me. I’m not worthy. And I never will be. For what man is? Coloss doesn’t guard his kin, or the villagers of this wood. He guards life itself. He protects the forest, the creatures within, and all of Azure. I see it now. Anyone who gains control of their Instincts gains control of far more than their own self-worth. If they are manipulative, greedy, and selfish and they are competent enough to master their Instincts, they will gain control of all of Azure. And what man would be worthy of that? Only Susy himself. No. I am not worthy. And I never will be. If I am to gain anything, I must not improvise and act at will. I must learn from my failures. I must not lose my nut, as Graytu would proclaim. But it is difficult to resist this moment of opportunity after what he’s done to Zoie. I drop my blade.
Season of Sacrifice (Blood of Azure Book 1) Page 49