by Zart , Lindy
“I have to eat it now?”
“Um, yeah.”
She sighs like she doesn’t really want to eat it even though I know she does. Lily is a chocolate addict and I feed her addiction weekly—but only with Dove chocolates because they have somewhat lame, but also cool sayings on the inside of the wrappers. It’s a tradition, I guess. I’ve been sharing chocolates with her since I moved here. Probably a good thing, as I used to eat a whole bag by myself. Daily. Not an exaggeration. Well, maybe a slight one. It could have been half a bag.
“Stay away from boys with the initials ‘G’ and ‘L’,” she says as we walk down the street.
“Funny. What’s it really say?”
Lily glances at the wrapper, blinking as she reads, “’Love without rules.’”
I tense, but immediately force my body to relax. “Huh.”
A beat of strained silence ensues, each of us not looking at each other. It’s weird and out of place and I don’t understand it. I mean, on my part I do, but not on Lily’s.
Lily bites off half the chocolate and holds the rest out to me, easing the unknown tension. Sharing chocolate—another tradition. We’re kind of mutually dork-ish. I open my mouth and she drops it in. It’s slightly sweet and smooth, coating my tongue and throat as it dissolves.
“My mom and dad want to go on a summer trip this year,” Lily says. “Scott isn’t going. He’s so in love with Cindy he can’t bear to be away from her for a few weeks. He is such a dweeb.”
I inwardly wince, knowing the feeling well.
Houses line the sidewalk to the left of us and the empty pool is to the right. The wind picks up, bitingly cold, and I long for summer heat. I’m a warm weather person and I can’t understand why anyone who knew what the weather was like around here would knowingly live in Wisconsin. I had no choice: I was born here. I can’t fathom anyone else’s reason for being here, especially if it’s by free will.
“And?” I prompt.
She waves as a group of girls and boys call out a greeting to her. I absently nod at the girls who say hi to me without even looking at them. My attention is somewhere else. Garrett Adams is in the group, his brown eyes lingering on Lily. Jock prick. Doesn’t matter that I used to be one myself. I scowl and kick at a loose piece of gravel, my mood turning dark. Today, I feel, is going to be a catastrophic fail.
Lily is popular. She’s friendly and nice. She’s also pretty, and active in sports and other school activities. I’m more of a loner, although I have my own small fan base of simpering females. Annoying is what it is. I did the sports thing the first two years of high school, but last year I had to work to save up for a car and there was no time for sports, same as this year, deflating my popularity in an unredeemable nosedive to nonexistent. Not that I care. That kind of thing isn’t important to me. Lily isn’t shallow enough for it to matter to her either, but it’s easy to be that way when people naturally like you.
“And that’s it. We’re going on a summer trip. Minus Scott”
“You go on a summer trip every year, only with Scott. I don’t understand the significance of that comment.”
Lily shoots me an irritated look and bumps her arm against mine. “You’re crabby.”
“We already came to this conclusion, and anyway, I’m crabby every morning.”
“Not every morning, but most of them, yes. They have pills for that. You should look into it.”
“Do they have a pill for people much too happy in the morning? Because they should make one and help the rest of us out. You know—the normal people.”
Lily snorts. “You are so not normal.”
“You flatter me.”
“Anyway, the significance of my comment is that this year they said you could come along.”
I stumble over the curb, my eyes shooting to her face. “What?”
Lily hikes her backpack up the arm it’s sliding down, avoiding my eyes. Her face is red. “Okay, so maybe I asked if you could come. Well…told them, actually.”
“Why?” My heart is thundering and I have to stop walking because if I don’t, I’ll run into something.
She hurries toward the school. “Because.”
I jog after her. “Because why?” Lily ducks inside the door, not answering, and I follow. “Lily.”
She whirls around, her lower lip caught between her teeth. I tear my eyes away from the motion before my body does something embarrassing, swallowing with difficulty.
“Because I don’t know what’s going to happen after this summer,” she admits in a small voice.
I narrow my eyes, bumped and jostled as kids hustle past us as they try to get into the school hallway. I don’t care if we’re blocking the doorway. None of them matter. This, and Lily, matter.
“What are you talking about?” I ask slowly. It’s dark in the hallway, but her eyes are bright, even shadowed by emotions as they are. Her words scared the hell out of me and a sense of foreboding chills me. The body odor and old food smell of the hallway is making me nauseous, or maybe it’s a combination of everything that’s making me feel sick.
“You’re almost done with school. We have the summer and that’s it, Grayson. After that you’ll be going off to college and I’ll probably hardly ever see you. I mean, come on, you’ll be in California, not exactly the next state over. I know you want to, need to, get away from here. And I don’t blame you, I really don’t.” Her words come out in a rush, stabbing me like sharp little knives. “It’s just that…everything will change. Everything will be different.
“I just want…I just want the summer with you before it all changes. That’s all. I want to see you as much as I can. I told my parents I’m not going on the annual summer trip unless you can come too.” She stubbornly juts her jaw forward and I have a maddening urge to kiss her and smooth the frown line between her brows.
“Lily—“ I begin as the warning bell rings.
“I have to go. I can’t be late for my speech class. It’s my day to talk.” Lily backpedals with sad eyes, after a moment spinning on her heel, leaving me.
“Lily, wait!” Uncontrollable fear shoves me after her, down the emptying hallway. “Lily!”
“I’ll talk to you later, Grayson,” she calls back before disappearing into a classroom. The soft click of the door shouts with finality.
The last bell rings.
I stand in a vacant hallway, staring at the line of tan lockers, not seeing them. My stomach is in knots and my throat is tight. Every time she walks away lately, I wonder if it will be the last time. I feel like I’m losing her. Only I never really had her, not the way I want to. What the fuck is wrong with me? I shove a hand through my unruly hair and heave a deep sigh.
“Are you lost, Mr. Lee?”
I jump at the sound of the deep voice and connect eyes with Dean Young, the principal. There’s something eerie about the silent way he is suddenly upon students when they are where they shouldn’t be—he always catches me anyway. He’s a bear of a man; six and a half feet tall and all muscle. Mid-forties with short sandy brown hair, glasses, and a gray suit, he stares me down from the end of the hallway near the office. Principal Young’s hands are as big as my face and they’re on his hips; his expression completely blank. He’s intimidating, I have to say.
“No.”
“Good. Get to class.”
I spin around and head toward the gymnasium and boys’ locker room, my thoughts a tumultuous mess that twist me up inside. I’ve been accepted to the San Francisco Conservatory of Music, something that should have me ecstatic, but saddens me more than anything. Lily knows this because she was there when I opened the letter. She saw the look on my face and she got mad at me for not being overjoyed. Lily knows I have to go, she knows I need this. How can I leave the only good thing in my life? I need her more. She doesn’t know that, but I do.
And my brother. A heavy weight resides on my shoulders. Who is going to look out for my brother after I go? I know Lily would check up on him as much as she cou
ld, but she wouldn’t be around to shelter him from the nights and those, in my house, are the scariest. The monsters in my house aren’t evil or hiding under the beds or lurking in the closets—they’re in the indifferent people meant to protect us from the real monsters but don’t care enough to. I thump my forehead against the cool wood of the door to the gym, briefly closing my eyes, and shove it open.
Chapter 4
The gymnasium smells like sweat and the air is stifling hot with bodies running up and down the length of it. It’s a free day in gym class and most of the guys are playing basketball while the girls are pretending to exercise as they gossip and size us up with their eyes. I feel the heat of their gazes, suffocating me, drilling into me. They’re eyeing me up like I’m a piece meat and they’re starving; comparing me to every other guy on the floor—yet they act like they hate me. I’ve realized girls are scary; confusing and contrary without fail. Except for Lily—she doesn’t play games.
Sweat trickles down my forehead as I make a half-ass attempt at shooting a basket. I miss.
I’ve had a few girlfriends, but nothing serious. My relationship with Lily tends to disrupt things between me and the opposite sex. I don’t care. Nothing is capable of coming between us and no girl has even been minutely comparable to her. Ever. Dating has kind of turned pointless to me and I can’t even remember the last time I went out with a girl. They’ve all pretty much disappeared to me; all of them except Lily.
“Think fast, Lee!” is shouted just before the basketball slams into the back of my head.
Pain flares into my skull and red hot anger with it. I whirl around, my eyes grazing over the white walls of the gym and coming to land on Garrett Adams. He stands across the gym, smirking. He is going to pay for that. It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t paying attention to the game.
“Whoops.” The tone of his voice and the look on his face are at odds with that word. It’s a perfect face with perfect features, perfectly styled brown hair, perfect teeth, perfectly toned body, perfect height, perfect fucking everything.
I’d like my fist to make it not quite so perfect. They clench in anticipation as I stride for him. Hands grab at me; worried voices try to distract me. I shrug the hands off and keep going; the voices nothing but a buzzing in my ears. Garrett straightens, his eyes locked with mine.
I reach down, my gaze never leaving his, and pick up the basketball. It’s rough against my palms and oily from all the hands touching it. My hands itch to slam it into his face. Not just because he intentionally hit me in the head with a basketball, but because he wants Lily, and because she likes him, and because he probably deserves her more than I do. Wariness creeps into his expression as I spin the basketball between my hands as I approach.
“Were you aiming at me,” I cock my head, “or the hoop?”
Garrett swallows, the cocky smirk gone from his face. “The hoop.”
“Ah.” I nod, dribbling the ball against the shiny floor without looking at it. I played ball for two years and I was good. I’m still good; I just don’t play much anymore. “You must have the suckiest aim out of the whole school then.” I smile, my eyes telling him all the things I’d like to do to him, none of them pleasant.
Face red, Garrett stiffens. “Or the best.”
My eyes narrow as I slam the ball into his chest so hard his breath leaves him in a grunt. I hold it there, digging it into his flesh. He stumbles back a few steps and I move with him. “Try it again and see what happens. Maybe your aim’s improved within the last five minutes.” My jaw is tight as my gaze locks with his.
Garrett’s eyes are brown and full of loathing. His lips thin and he says quietly, “You’re going to be gone soon. I got one more year, just like Lily. I’ll be here, with her, and you’ll be gone.”
The urge to hit him is tremendous. Mostly because what he says is true. The thought of Lily with him instead of me is unacceptable. He cannot replace me. My breaths come faster, and my stomach feels sick. I picture them laughing together, holding hands, maybe even kissing, and I want to puke. His face blurs, turns into something I want to annihilate. His face represents the future for Lily, minus me.
I grit my teeth and shove the ball harder into his chest. “Shut the fuck up, Adams,” I growl.
“What’s the problem, ladies?” Mr. Benson, the gym teacher, demands as he stops beside us. He’s fat and bald and clearly has not exercised within the last twenty years. He also smells like onions and always sweats, even when he’s standing still, which is most of the time.
I stare Garrett down as I answer, “Nothing. Everything’s fine.” My voice is rough, tight.
“Then maybe you can walk away.”
I can’t. I am unable to move. Fury has me locked in place. If I move, my fist is going to come up swinging. I take a deep breath, trying to calm down, trying to steady my rapidly beating heart.
“Walk away, Lee. Now,” Mr. Benson commands.
I step away and the basketball drops to the floor, rolling toward the cluster of kids watching us. I glance at the faces of girls and boys I’ve known the past ten years of my life; not seeing faces but eyes; eyes judging, staring at me in horror, in disgust. I look away from the mass of spectators. Garrett rubs his chest, glaring at me.
“Adams, Lee, ten laps. The rest of you go back to whatever you were doing,” Mr. Benson announces, dividing his squinty-eyed gaze between the two of us. “You two have been at each other all year. Anything else happens I don’t like, you’ll be having detention. Get. Go run. Stop being idiots. And if that’s beyond you, just run.”
I run.
***
The day systematically gets worse with each hour that goes by. I can’t concentrate. I’m edgy. Everything, all the shit that makes up my life, seems to be crashing in around me today. I don’t share any classes with Lily, so lunch is the next time I’m allowed to see her other than a glimpse of her in the hallways while we’re both going from class to class.
The school lunchroom is large, white, and has high ceilings. It’s packed full of students, their loud voices echoing and turning into a nondescript buzz. It smells like tacos in the room and the air is humid. I scan the cafeteria for her familiar head of dark hair, my pulse jumping when my eyes find her. I can’t breathe until I’m beside her, within touching distance. She sits with two of her girlfriends, Bethany Williams and Mia Kalinowski, and one of the few people other than Lily I consider a friend, Ben Wolfe. I quickly dump two soft shell tacos on my plate and a container of chocolate milk on my tray and make my way toward them.
“Hey, drama queen,” Ben greets, his full lips turning up. Ben is wiry with brown hair and eyes and skin. For some reason, he always has a girl waiting to date him. I personally think it’s the Native American in him. He has sculpted, sharp features and a slightly wild look to him girls seem to be attracted to. Girls always want the untamable because they think they’ll be the one to do the taming. News flash: You can’t tame what doesn’t want to be tamed.
I sit across from Lily, still not close enough to her, and glare at Ben. “Shut up.”
“Drama queen?” Lily echoes, nibbling on a Golden Delicious apple, her dark blue eyes trained on me. Those eyes are pulling me in, disorienting me.
“Ben doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” I mutter, staring at the unknown meat substance on my plate passing as taco-seasoned hamburger.
“I heard about that,” Mia says, nodding. “You hit Garrett Adams in Spanish class this morning, totally unprovoked.”
My head shoots up and I scowl at Mia. Mia is a gossip and usually, like this time, doesn’t get the story right. She’s basically harmless as long as she doesn’t talk. I don’t think she intentionally means to stir things up, but she does.
“What?” Lily blinks.
“That’s not what happened. I was there,” Bethany supplies and I give her a grateful look. Bethany is a taller, washed out version of Lily. She’s almost as pretty as Lily, but somehow she doesn’t shine like Lily does. Her nose i
s smaller, her eyes a paler blue.
Bethany continues, “All I saw was Garrett throwing a basketball at Grayson’s head and Grayson getting mad, which is understandable. Then Benson made them run laps.”
“I’m not even in Spanish class,” I point out to Mia.
Mia twirls a lock of chin length red hair around her finger and shrugs, clearly disinterested in actual facts. She’s short and curvy with brown eyes and freckles along the bridge of her nose and cheeks. I suppose she’s cute, but she is too annoying for me to think so.
“Garrett’s an egotistical dick who thinks he’s better than everyone because his family has money.” Ben shoves half a hard shell taco in his mouth, shredded lettuce dangling from his chin as he chews.
I haven’t looked at Lily yet. I’m scared of what her expression will be. Anger at me, empathy for Garrett, what? Whatever it is or isn’t, I don’t want to know. My eyes find hers anyway, sucker that I am. She’s staring at me, her head tilted. There is no judgment on her face, only curiosity.
“What happened?”
I shrug, opening the carton of chocolate milk and chugging it down in one long swallow. I grimace at the aftertaste it leaves in my mouth. “What Bethany said.”
“He hit you with a basketball?” Her voice gets high on the last word. “Like, on the head? How? Why?”
“We were playing basketball. I wasn’t paying attention. I should have been paying attention.” Why am I saying this? I should be making him look bad and me good. “He threw the ball and it hit the back of my head.” I crumple the empty milk container and toss it on top of the uneaten food on the plate.
“For no reason?” Lily’s voice is shaking and I wonder at that.
“Like I said, I wasn’t paying attention.” I catch Ben’s grin and look away.
“So what did you do after that?” she asks in voice without inflection of any kind.
“I, uh…” I shift in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable. I’m usually able to control my anger, but sometimes, and more than usual lately, it threatens to consume me. I want to lash out, hit things, lose it completely. I think I might feel better if I did, or maybe I’d just feel really stupid and guilty. I’m not sure.