by Zart , Lindy
“Three more hours, Grayson,” Ana encourages, reaching around me for the washcloth. She wipes a spill from the counter.
“And a half.”
“And a quarter,” she corrects, tossing the washcloth in the sink.
“Details.”
“Hey.” She elbows me in the side. “Isn’t that—“
I glance up, my lungs constricting. It’s Lily. She’s standing near the door, looking uneasy, her eyes searching. Fear slams into me. Why is she here? It can’t be for anything good. I immediately think of my brother as I hurl myself over the bar, not caring that I startle the people closest to me or that I knock a drink over in my haste. There are shouts behind me and I shove my way through the throng of men and women, eyes locked with hers.
Chapter 6
“Lily,” I breathe, grabbing her arms. “Is something wrong?” The material of her jacket is red, soft, and my hands slide down it to loosely grasp her small wrists.
“I—“ Her brows furrow as she visibly struggles for words.
“What is it?” My grip tightens on her wrists. “Is it Aidan? Did something happen?”
Lily shakes her hair, the smell of strawberries hitting my senses. “No. Nothing like that. I just…”
“Spit it out, Lily, right now. Before my heart explodes. You aren’t telling me anything and when you don’t tell me anything, you know I draw conclusions—usually the wrong conclusions—and ultimately freak out, so please, please, just spit it out,” I plead.
Her lips curve. “Or you’ll freak out?”
I nod, swallowing around a dry throat.
“How?”
“What?”
“How will you freak out? Will you stomp your feet, shout, throw things, or all of the above?”
Okay. I exhale deeply. She’s teasing me. Everything’s okay. Still, that doesn’t explain her presence. “Why are you here?” I repeat.
Her eyes slide past me and I follow her gaze. It’s on Ana. “Am I not supposed to be?”
“Well, gee, let me think. Are you twenty-one, or even eighteen? No? Then, no, you shouldn’t be here.”
Lily’s eyes flash gray when they meet mine. “I was bored. I missed you, for some reason. We haven’t—we haven’t talked much lately. I wanted to see you. I don’t know why. Stupid me.”
“How did you get here?” I ask suspiciously.
“I walked. With my legs. Why?”
The buzzing in my head turns into clanging. “You walked? It’s almost midnight on a Friday night! Are you crazy?” I throw my hands in the air. “Do your parents even know you left? You could have been mugged or—“ I swallow around bile in my throat at the thought of what the “or” could have been. “You can’t do stuff like that. It’s not safe,” I finish lamely.
Lily doesn’t speak for a long time, but when she does, it’s in a low, quaking voice. “You are not my parent. Since when do you talk to me like this? Is this what we are now? You’re almost done with school; you’re an adult, so you can talk to me like I’m a child, since I am less than a year younger than you?”
I wince, running a hand through my messy hair. “No. Of course not. I’m just—I worry about you. If anything ever happened to you…” I trail off, going cold at the thought of a world without Lily.
“Fennimore is a safe town. I know things can happen even in a safe town, but it’s very rare that they do,” she clips out. “I have mace, and yes, my parents know where I am. I also have a cell phone, which I am now going to use to let them know I’m on my way back home.”
“Grayson!”
I glance at the bar to see Ana giving me a “what the hell” look. She’s swamped and the people waiting for drinks are getting restless and belligerent. I sigh, rubbing my forehead, and with my eyes closed, give a quick nod in her direction.
“Run along, Grayson. Wouldn’t want to make her wait,” Lily mocks quietly, turning to go.
I blink, not sure how to take that comment. If I didn’t know Lily, I would think she was jealous. But no, I know her.
“Lily, wait.” She doesn’t. “Lily.” She stops with her hand on the door; ready to push it open, her back to me. I don’t feel right letting her go, and definitely not like this. “Stay here. Don’t go. I can give you a ride home when I’m done. Or I can give you a ride now.”
“I don’t want to bother you,” Lily sneers over her shoulder.
I sigh. “Come on, Lily, cut me some slack.”
“I’m fine, Grayson. You’re busy. I’ll be fine. I’m going now.” Her voice is small and my heart hurts in response.
“Text me when you get home. Promise.”
“Yeah,” she says with a sigh.
“Wait up for me. I want to talk to you. Please?”
Lily doesn’t answer. She walks out the door without a backward glance. Normally she would answer. Normally she would look back at me, and normally, she would wait up for me. A distinct sense of dread tells me tonight it won’t be so and a little part of me dies. I turn blind eyes toward the bar and run on autopilot for the remainder of the night.
***
I shiver as I step from my car and into the chilly night, shutting the door and jiggling my car keys. I zip the black hooded jacket up as I stride past my house and into the backyard. The cold air is crystalizing the contacts I would have taken out before my shift if I was smart. Obviously I’m not because I now have two contact lenses dried to my eyeballs.
I slide the phone from my back pocket and text Lily.
Up?
Now I am
I smile. Lily sleeps like the dead, so there’s no way she wasn’t already up.
Give me five minutes to shower and take out the contacts frozen to my eyeballs and I’ll be over
You never learn
Haven’t YOU learned that by now?
As I unlock the front door, the dark inside is absolute and eerie. I glance to the couch as I make my way past, not understanding why I even check. He’s there every night. I turn away, shifting my jaw back and forth, and take the stairs two at a time.
In the blue-walled bathroom I quickly remove the brittle contacts, my eyes burning. My reflection stares back at me in the mirror above the sink. It is haggard. I turn away and shower, throwing on gray sweatpants, a black tee shirt, and a blue hooded sweatshirt. I brush my teeth and put my black rectangular glasses on. Lily calls them my sexy specs. No idea why. I look like a geek with them on.
After I check on my brother, who is sleeping soundly, I leave the house. It’s odd how tired I was while working, but now, when I’m done and on my way to see Lily, my energy is renewed. I am determined that this will be a happy encounter. I so badly want us to be okay. I will not think of Garrett Adams. I will not mention him. I will not think of what happens after I graduate. I will not think of the possibility of Lily no longer being available to me one day. I’m not going to think at all; I’m going to feel and that is it.
The front door silently opens from the inside. I move through the darkened doorway without pausing and pull Lily into my embrace. Her arms immediately wrap around my back; her head rests against my pounding heart. I close my eyes and take a shuddering breath—I am finally where I should be. I rest my cheek against the crown of her head. My body is pressed to hers without inhibition; without awkwardness, and I can breathe again.
She pulls back, tugging at my hand, and I follow her through the quiet living room and up the stairs to the left. We’ve been doing this for so long we don’t even worry about getting caught anymore. I think Lily’s parents know we’re not doing anything they wouldn’t like, so they don’t say anything.
Lily turns on the lamp by the bed and faces me. It’s a typical girly room; lots of clashing colors, hearts, flowers, and shiny, sparkly stuff. Anyone who doesn’t know Lily well enough would never picture this princess world as her bedroom. She shows her true personality in the things not easily noticed or seen, like her shoes, and her room. You have to pay attention to really understand Lily.
Her h
air is loose, falling over her shoulders in thick ebony waves. My throat tightens just looking at her. Her eyes are large and luminous as they study me. She’s wearing a purple top and teal pajama pants, her slim body emphasized in the form-fitting garments. I touch the soft skin of her cheek and she closes her eyes as she turns her face into my palm.
I want so badly to kiss her, but I can’t, so I blurt out the first thing that pops into my head. “Remember when I was fat?” Lame.
Her eyes open. “You were never fat.”
I give her a look. “Come on. The whole town knows I was.”
“I don’t think the whole town really cares enough to pay attention to how fat a kid is or isn’t. And you weren’t,” she adds, trying to lift only one eyebrow, but both lift instead.
“Okay. When I was chubby then. When are you going to stop trying to be cool like me? You know your eyebrows are never going to be able to do what only awesome ones like mine can. You might as well stop trying.”
“You’re such a dork.” She smiles; walking to the CD player on the bookcase overflowing with romance novels and hitting the play button. ‘All This and Heaven Too’ by Florence and the Machine softly flows from the speakers.
A lot of girls, and even guys, began to like me when I started sports and muscle replaced the softness I used to carry around. When it was apparent I was good at sports, my status as popular escalated as well. So I never know if they like me for me or for how I look or how good I am at sports.
But with Lily, I know she’s real because she was my friend when I was overweight and awkward and had no coordination for sports. I don’t associate much with the other kids at school—because of that, and also because I don’t have the time. My life is already geared toward post-high school even though I’m still in high school.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I’m sorry about a lot of earliers lately,” I add, letting her pull me to the center of the lilac-painted room.
Lily shakes her head, placing one hand on my waist and the other takes hold of my hand. She looks up at me, not speaking as we begin to dance. Or shuffle.
The few inches of space between us are too much. I tug her closer, dropping her hand to slide both of my hands up her firm back. Her arms wrap around my neck and her fingers thread through my hair, causing me to shiver. This is the most I allow myself—to just hold her. I want to do so much more; I want us to be so much more. Yet we’re already so much more than most couples and we are not even a couple.
“Where are we going?” This question could be taken two very different ways; figuratively and literally.
“When?” she whispers.
“On your family trip I’m going on even though I’m not part of your family.”
Lily jerks back, slamming a fist to my chest.
“What the hell?” I rub the sore spot, glaring at her.
Crossing her arms, Lily snaps, “You are my family. Jerk.”
“Technically I’m not. Brat.”
“Technically you are. Moron.”
We stare each other down until I break the seal, laughing. “Fine. Where are we going? And when? I need to know so I can get off from work.”
“Three weeks after graduation. We’re camping at some state park up north. We’ll be gone ten days. Aidan can come too.”
She lies down on the bed and stares up at the glittery swirls she made me help her paint a few years ago. You can tell which ones I painted—mine are sloppier and larger than Lily’s. In some unspoken agreement, Lily and I habitually mark things as ours, like my room, and this room; I guess to merge ourselves in a way we otherwise cannot. Most evident of this is the corkboard collage of Dove chocolate wrappers we’ve collected through the years. Each of us adds one wrapper a month to it, kind of like written encouragement for the other one. My eyes go to where it hangs on a wall across the room.
“Did you add another wrapper?”
“Yep.”
“What did it say?”
“’Be fearless’.”
I glance at her. She’s watching me, her eyes dark. “How many chocolates did you eat to get to that saying?”
Her lips curve up and my stomach flip-flops in response. “The things I do for you.”
Rolling my eyes, I lie down next to her on the bed. Both of us look up, our fingers just touching. There are so many things I want to say to her, so many truths I have not confessed, so many things I cannot say. I can feel the pressure of the secrets on my chest; I can feel them struggling to get out in the pounding of my pulse. It would ruin us if I told her. It would take what we have and twist it into something we cannot recover from.
“Aidan’s going to summer camp at Wyalusing State Park in June, so he won’t be around.”
“That’s right. I forgot. Is he excited?”
“I think so. You know Aidan. He doesn’t get too excited about anything.”
“Somber little guy needs to take a happy pill.”
“You and your pill pushing.”
We both know why Aidan is the way he is, but Lily won’t mention it, and I love her even more for that. I close my eyes and listen to her breathe while farther away, ‘I Would Be Sad’ by The Avett Brothers plays on the burned CD. I take a deep breath, my fingers wrapping around hers and squeezing them.
Her grip tightens before loosening and the bed shifts. I feel her gazing at me, the heat of her eyes on me scorching. I open my eyes and turn my head. She’s got her chin propped up on the palm of her hand, lying on her side, watching me with an unreadable expression on her face. Her hair falls over the side of her shoulder in a curtain of silk.
“Sing to me.”
I roll my eyes. “No.”
“Please?”
Never able to say no when she says that word, I sing along to The Avett Brothers, my eyes on hers. A smile, soft and sweet and a little sad, hovers over her lips as she watches me. Lily reaches out and traces my upper lip as I sing, making it tingle. Some of the lyrics fit, and some of them I fear may someday fit as well. My voice trails off, the urge to kiss her undeniable. I lean forward.
“Grayson?” Her voice is soft, her eyes troubled.
I pause, reality crashing into me. What the hell was I just thinking? Was I really going to kiss my best friend? I move away, staring at her, wondering what is going through her mind.
“I’m scared,” she whispers, one lone crystal of sorrow forming under her eye.
“Scared of what?” I ask with a thundering heartbeat, worried she knew I was about to kiss her and that’s what she’s talking about. Does the thought of my lips on hers repulse her?
“Us.”
“Us?” I repeat, swallowing with difficulty.
Lily nods, her eyes on the fingers of her hand bunching up the cotton candy comforter within them. “About what’s going to happen after this summer. I don’t want to be selfish, but…the thought of not seeing you hurts. A lot. Like, I can’t even breathe when I think about it. I want you to stay, but I know you have to go. I understand, I do. I would go if I were you.” She blinks and a single tear trails down her cheek.
I exhale loudly, relieved and not relieved that she isn’t talking about what I almost did. I want to tell her I’m not going. It’s on the tip of my tongue to say to hell with college and instead find a job in Fennimore and go to the tech school here. I could still see Lily and I could still see Aidan. Maybe that’s what I need to do. I wouldn’t lose her and I could be around for my brother.
“I’ll miss you beyond belief,” she whispers, another tear following the first.
Without thinking, I lean forward and brush the tear away with my lips. It’s warm and salty. Lily’s eyes widen and her lips part and I can’t stay away a second longer. If I don’t kiss her right now, I will break. The past year has been destroying me, and I can’t do it another second. I didn’t even realize it all until it is now rushing up to suffocate me.
My heart thunders and I fight to swallow as my lips lightly form to hers. My eyelids slide shut, a roar forms in my ear
s, and I deepen the kiss. Feeling Lily respond as her honey lips clutch mine, my stomach swoops. I move forward and Lily falls to her back on the bed and I’m on top of her, holding my body off hers with arms that shake.
I’ve kissed other girls before, but none of those times made me feel as I do now. It is as if I can’t breathe. My heart is going to explode and I can’t get enough; I want her so bad and a kiss isn’t enough; I need her; I can’t live without her; she is everything—on and on the thoughts stream through my head, merging together into a senseless litany that makes perfect sense. The craziest thing, the thing that stuns me, is that she is kissing me back. I know with clarity that no other girl is going to make me feel half of what I feel with Lily. She centers me, balances me, makes me better, makes me want to be better.
I am eighteen years old and already I am done for. There is no perfect match for me to find; I’ve already found her.
When she entangles her fingers through my hair and presses up against me, I moan. I run my fingers up her shirt, caressing her hot skin, feeling her quiver beneath my touch. I don’t want to stop. I have to stop. It’s so right and yet so wrong. Right for me, wrong for Lily. Her hands delve under my sweatshirt, roaming up and down my back and around to my chest. I let out a ragged breath at the euphoria her touch brings me.
Her tongue glides over my bottom lip and it surprises me so much I jerk away, breathing hard, wanting her, and wondering how she learned to kiss like that. I straighten my glasses and run a hand through my hair, staring at her flushed skin and half-lidded eyes. I jump from the bed before I decide to finish what I started.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” I say with my back to her, my voice harsh. I take deep breaths, willing my body to relax. Not an easy feat.
“Why?” She sounds slightly dazed.
“Because.”