by B. B. Hamel
I didn’t want to give that up. I was willing to wade through shit to get there, if that was what it took.
But Rees’s tone suggested there was nothing I could do.
“Eight is a good start,” I said. “There could be more.”
“You misunderstand me. I should put it another way.” He put the folder down, and pushed the stack back toward me. “You could bring me an infinite supply of rich old ladies with very simple maladies and very deep pockets, and they still wouldn’t take you back. They’ve made their choice, and you need to live with it.”
I took the folders back and stared at them. I knew he was right, and I knew this had been a stupid, foolish thing from the start. I wanted to fix my problems, but sometimes problems couldn’t be fixed, no matter how hard I tried, or how much I worked. It didn’t matter—the administration had made up its mind about me, and decided to sacrifice me to the Tippetts. Whether I liked it or not.
“It seems I’ve wasted your time then,” I said, trying to keep the anger from my tone. I felt used and idiotic as I stood up and prepared to leave.
“Westview might not take you back with those,” Rees said, holding up a hand to stop me. “But I know other hospitals that would be happy to give a talented young surgeon a job, especially one that comes with a good roster already.”
I hesitated, looking down at him. I knew this had been a possibility as well, but I hadn’t truly considered it until now. There was a part of me that thought practicing anywhere was better than practicing nowhere, but that had felt like letting Caroline and Gina win. Then again, they wanted to chase me out of medicine completely, and didn’t give a damn about me at all—finding a new job somewhere else, and thriving there, could be considered a type of revenge in itself.
“And you’d be willing to help?”
“I would, I would, for a small price.”
I hesitated. I didn’t want to be in this man’s debt. I knew men like Rees, and knew that nothing came cheap. If I wanted his help finding a position at another hospital, he was going to bleed me dry first, and extract absolutely everything from me.
“What’s your price?”
He gave me a long, hard look, the sort of stare from a man appraising the quality of a new kitchen knife.
“Lori,” he said, speaking slowly. “She looks up to you. Thinks very highly of your skill.”
“She’s very talented herself,” I said, and I knew where this was going before he even took one step down that path. I hated that it’d come to this, and I hated myself even more for considering it.
But I knew I had no other choice.
“Do you know why I’m involved with her?”
I hesitated. I hadn’t expected the conversation to take this turn. “I assume because she’s your cousin,” I said, though that couldn’t be it. She claimed they hadn’t been close.
“Did she tell you about her mother?”
I nodded slowly. “Died of cancer five years ago.”
“When that all happened, her mother knew it was coming, toward the end. My business was taking off, and things were looking good for me, and I think her mother saw that as an opportunity.” He leaned back and studied me with a carefully composed tilt to his head. “She requested that I look after her daughter. It was a deathbed sort of thing, and at the time I didn’t think much of it. But now, years later, I find myself wanting to keep the promise I made to her, and so I’ve steered Lori in my own way.”
“Why didn’t you tell her that?” I asked, feeling numb.
“I don’t want her to know,” he said. “Her mother asked me to keep it a secret, and I agreed. All that I’ve done so far has been in the spirit of that request, and what I’m about to ask you continues along that path. Do you understand?”
I took a breath and nodded.
“I think you should stay away from her,” Rees said.
There it was, spoken out loud, the thing I knew without a doubt, the thing I’d feared the most coming here.
Lori, it always came back to Lori.
My relationship with her was complicated, bordered on wrong, but it felt too good. There was a reason I hadn’t been able to set her aside, not completely, even though I was toxic, and every second we remained intertwined with each other, no matter how nebulously, was another minute she spent being spoiled and degraded in the eyes of those in power.
I couldn’t do that to her. I was tainted enough through no fault of my own—but I shouldn’t do the same to her.
“For her sake,” I said.
“She’ll do well in her current position, I believe. But if you’re around to distract her, I suspect there will be problems.”
“So you’ll find me a new job if I stop speaking to Lori.”
“You don’t have to ghost her. I’d prefer it if she didn’t get hurt,” he said, holding up a hand. “Find some way to distance yourself, though.”
“You want me to fade from her life,” I said, and stared down at him, feeling another surge of anger. He spoke of my relationship with Lori like it was something I could simply walk away from and let disappear into the ether.
Maybe it was that tenuous.
“Think of it this way, you’ll both win. Maybe Lori won’t like it at first, but it’ll be the best for you both, in the long run.”
“I’ll think about it,” I said, looking away from him. I felt sick, like I was making a bargain that cost a portion of my soul.
And maybe I was. A Faustian bargain.
“Please do. Understand, I have her best interests at heart, and I can be a very powerful ally, if you’ll let me be.”
I said nothing else as I walked to his door. I felt him watching me with each step, considering me, weighing me. I turned back as I left and caught a strange look on his face—appraising, but also sad.
“Thank you for seeing me,” I said, and shut the door.
The old woman didn’t walk me back. I knew the way already. I saw a row of small statues on an end table in the entry hall, and paused to look at the words etched on their bases. Each was an award for philanthropy, given to Rees over the years.
I wondered if one day, I’d have awards in my office.
Maybe not, if I kept going down this road.
I’m not sure the awards would matter, if I sacrificed so much to get them.
27
Lori
I didn’t hear from Piers for a few days.
He texted and asked for Rees’s phone number, which I gave him right away. I figured if he wanted to talk to Rees, he probably had a good reason—and it might involve him finding a way to come back from suspension.
Instead, he ghosted me. I tried to get in touch, called, texted, even sent him an email, but there was nothing. He’d never gone completely silent on me before, and for the first three days, I was pissed off.
Then by day five, I was confused. And still pissed off.
After everything, he wanted to disappear. I didn’t understand it. Piers was an asshole, but he wasn’t a careless bastard. He didn’t seem like the type to disregard and toss away someone like that, and for a while I thought maybe he got sick, or he got hurt, or he went away—but none of that made any sense. I would’ve heard from him.
I decided I’d had enough. No more games, no more bullshit. If he wanted to be done with me, then he was doing to tell me to my face.
One night, after work, I marched over to his building. It was intimidating, walking into that lobby and telling the doorman that I wanted to go up to Dr. Hood’s apartment. He nodded knowingly, pointed at some chairs in a small waiting space, and made a quick phone call. After an anxious minute, he gestured at the elevator, and I rode it up to Piers’s floor.
He stood at the door, watching as I walked down the hall toward him. I felt a strange flutter in my chest at the sight of him in a tight t-shirt and a pair of joggers. His head tilted, and those lips pursed, and I almost lost my nerve.
“Where have you been, asshole?” I said.
He smiled a lit
tle, and I felt some of the ice and anger chip away. “You haven’t lost any fire in the past few days, I see.”
“No, but I have been wondering where you went.”
“I’ve been busy, is all.”
“You text me to for my cousin’s number, then you disappear?”
He grimaced a little and glanced around the hall. “Come on, come inside.”
“Oh, right, wouldn’t want to make a scene for your neighbors.”
He rolled his eyes, but walked away, into his apartment. I followed, shutting the door harder than strictly necessary. A lot of the rage began to ebb and fade away as I moved into his space and was reminded of all the reasons I liked him. That cocky smile, his muscular chest and torso, the way he looked at me like I was some prize that he’d worked hard to win. I liked that look, even if it was a little infantilizing and objectifying. Maybe I wanted to be objectified, at least a little bit. Maybe it was exciting to be wanted by him.
He stopped in his kitchen and poured me a glass of wine. I took it without comment. If he wanted to ply me with alcohol, I wasn’t going to say no—not after a long day of work.
“What’s going on?” I asked. “You haven’t been sitting around in your apartment, stewing, have you?”
“I have,” he said. “But that’s not all I’ve been doing.”
“Why did you want my cousin’s number?”
He shook his head. “It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time.” I drank the wine down in two gulps then crossed my arms. He gave me an amused look and leaned against the counter.
Then he told me about the patients. He talked about the first day when he found eight, and the next day, when he found more, and more, and kept adding to his roster. “I’m up to twenty now,” he said. “Twenty good patients. Some of them need surgery in the next few weeks, and some of them aren’t pressing, but will need an operation sooner or later.”
“The next few weeks?” I chewed on my lip. “I doubt that Westview’s going to let you back anytime soon.”
“You’re right about that,” he said. “That’s why I don’t plan on working there.”
I sucked in a breath and narrowed my eyes. “Explain.”
“Your cousin made me a deal.” He looked away, down at the floor. “He said he’d get me a job somewhere else.”
“In exchange for what?”
He seemed pained as he spoke, nice and slow. “In exchange for not seeing you anymore.”
I gaped at him. I had a feeling Piers was beginning to push me away, and I figured it was due to his situation—but I had no clue Rees would want that as well.
“I’m not some bargaining chip, you know,” I said. “I get a say in this.”
“I’m not sure you do.”
I clenched my jaw. I liked being objectified—when it was about him wanting my body. But when he actually treated me like an object to be passed around in some deal, well, that was way too far. I wasn’t going to be passive and let him do whatever he wanted with me. My cousin had no say in my life, and had nothing to do with whoever I chose to spent time with.
“I’m not some tool you can sell for your own gain,” I said.
“It’s not like that.”
“Isn’t it?” I stormed away, into the living room, and he looked out at me over the counter. I had so much angry, nervous energy, and I couldn’t stay still. “I get it, you think you’re a sinking ship, right? You don’t want me to get dragged down with you?”
“That’s right,” he said. “And you know it’s true. This crap with Westview’s going to leave a stain, even if I do find a new position.”
I shook my head. “It’s not going to stain me.”
“Of course it will. If you’re my resident during it all, and you never walk away—”
“I don’t have to be your resident,” I said, interrupting him. “I just want to be a part of your life.” I stood staring at him, heart racing, breathing hard. I felt a nervous bead of sweat roll down between my shoulder blades as I stared into his eyes.
I felt ripped open and laid bare. He saw me, really saw me then, and he came around the counter, moving toward me. I backed up until I bumped into the arm of the couch, and ended up sitting on it.
He lingered above me, and ran a finger down my chin.
“You know we can’t,” he said, speaking softly. “It would be so much worse, if anyone found out.”
“I don’t care.”
“You should.” He pulled his hand away, but I wanted him to put it back. I wanted to feel his palm against my cheek, his thumb in my mouth. I wanted to bite his skin and hear a soft grunt of pain, mixed with a growl of pleasure, as my tongue rolled around.
“We’re two consenting adults, and if you’re not my attending anymore—”
“But I was,” he said. “And if there’s a whiff of controversy then it’ll blow back all over you. I don’t want that to ruin your chances. You’re a good surgeon, Lori.”
“I know that,” I said, and laughed a little. “I was trained by the best.”
“We can’t do this,” he said.
But I noticed that he didn’t move away. He still stood above me, inches from me, and his eyes burned into mine—and down along my body, like he couldn’t help himself.
And I realized that he didn’t want this. It hit me, so obvious. He’d been saying it all along. He wanted to walk away, he knew it would be better for me, but he hadn’t been able to do it. Even now, when my cousin gave him a deal to save his career, he still couldn’t turn me away.
I showed up, and he let me come up.
He could’ve told his doorman to reject me. If he were smart, that’s what he should have done. If he really wanted to get away from me and to put distance between us, I’d still be outside now, wondering what I did.
Instead, we’re alone in his apartment.
“You don’t mean that,” I said. “You don’t want to walk away from this.”
“Lori—”
“You don’t.” I stood up, forcing him to take a half step back, leaving barely any distance between us. “You could’ve sent me home, but you didn’t. You keep doing this, but you won’t let go.”
“So what?” he said, a slight snarl to his voice. “So what if I can’t do it? You think I wanted any of this?”
“I think you have a choice, and you refuse to make it.”
“I never had a choice.”
“Yes, you do.” I moved closer. I pressed myself against him.
I dared him to do something about it.
He seemed torn, and the energy between us sizzled. It was so tense, I thought I might pass out from the strain. His hands moved up to my arms and gripped them, but didn’t move. I wanted those hands on my hips. I pressed my breasts against his chest and tilted my chin up, lips parted.
I wanted him to look. He stared down at my tongue as it parted between my teeth ever so slightly.
His jaw clenched as his hands moved down my arms, toward my hips.
“If we get caught, you’re done,” he whispered.
“Do you really think I care about that?” I asked, tilting my head. “After all this, do you really think I care? If my career was so important, I’d never have come back here. I’d be in that hospital right now, following boring Dr. Baker.”
He gave me the ghost of a smirk as his hands finally, mercifully moved down my hips, and found my hips. He held me tight—then moved around to grip my ass.
I sucked in a breath, surprised.
“You keep throwing yourself at me,” he whispered. “Are you going to be surprised when I take you and keep you?”
“Are you going to be surprised when you find out that’s exactly what I want?”
I saw the indecision warring in him. I loved it, and wanted more. I stood up on my toes and kissed his neck, reaching up to run my hands up his back then into his hair. I kissed his neck, then his throat, and his hands gripped my ass even tighter. He let out the softest growl as I finally reached his lips—
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And he kissed me, sucking in a breath, and turning me. He pushed me back against the wall, pinning me there. I gasped, but he was still on me, still kissing me, and pleasure and joy and need exploded through my body.
His hands were on me then like he’d been missing every inch of my skin. He undressed me, top first, bottom next, and his lips never once left my neck, or my collarbones, or my breasts. He teased me so slowly, like he marveled at my skin, at the way his finger dimpled my flesh, or the way I reacted to his motions—hard nipples, soft gasps. His jaw remained clenched, like he couldn’t quite relax, and I loved that he was still torn, loved that even though he was convinced this was a bad idea, he still couldn’t help himself.
Because he wanted me more than anything else.
And I wanted him, was willing to torch my career for it.
I yanked down his pants and felt his hard shaft in my hands. He kissed my neck then pulled my hair as I stroked him. I let out soft gasps when his hands moved between my legs, and I realized I was soaked—almost embarrassingly wet. I didn’t think I could feel better, at least until his fingers began to tease me, rolling around my stiff clit as I stroked him faster, moaning into his kiss.
“We both know this won’t end well,” he whispered as his fingers moved up inside of me, making my back arch. He bit my nipples and teased them with his tongue as his fingers worked their magic. He was a surgeon, a man that worked with his hands, and he knew exactly how to use them to his advantage—and how to make me feel like heaven was wrapping itself around my body.
“I think this is going to end perfectly,” he whispered, grinning. “I think you’re making all the right moves.”
He chuckled and I moaned as he did something unbelievable with his thumb. “You know what I mean. You’re going to come for me, and I’m going to come inside of you, and when we’re finished we’re going to do it again, and again, and nothing will be fixed. We’ll be back where we started.”