by Toni Aleo
Kane shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
That’s not a good enough answer for me. “Well, I’m going to fuckin’ find out!”
Passing by him, I go out the door and out to where Cathmor is waiting for me by a tree. Kane is running behind me, coming to a halt beside me. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to go see Amberlyn and find out why she lied to me.”
“Now?”
“Seems like as good a time as any,” I reply before I greet my horse.
“Well, it just seems like you’re mad. I think you might want to calm down.”
“Well, it’s either her or Casey. Pick one.”
“Ugh, neither? Let’s get drunk,” he suggests, but I know I can’t do that. If I do, I’m bound to do something stupid. I shake my head, looking back at Kane.
“I’ll calm down before I get there. I need to know why she lied to me. Why she didn’t tell me what was going on. Why doesn’t she trust me?”
I have so many questions but I don’t want to sound like a total eejit, spilling my heart out to my best friend. I feel like I did the day before when she told me she was going out with him, like a failure, something I don’t like. I don’t understand what I have done not to earn her trust. I thought I had been really open with her, but maybe I haven’t. I don’t know, but I know I need answers and I need them now.
Thankfully, Kane doesn’t say anything more and within seconds, Cathmor is carrying me to where I need to be.
And that’s with Amberlyn.
I just want to go back to bed.
My head is pounding, and I just feel empty. Add the stuff that is happening with Casey and Declan to the fact that today is just a ‘bad Mom and Dad day,’ and that means I am just having the worst day ever. I woke up feeling like shit. Utter crap. I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I hate what Casey did, and I hate how things have played out with Declan. The night before has played over and over in my head, and I keep trying to figure out if there was a way I could have prevented it from happening.
Maybe I should’ve never gotten involved with him. Maybe I should have listened to the warning signs when they were flashing in my face. The first time he kissed me without even knowing my name should have told me that he wasn’t the guy I was meant to get involved with. Instead, I used him to distract me from my feelings for Declan, and I can’t believe how utterly stupid that was. I should have just left it alone, and let everything play out. Instead, I made bad choice after bad choice and now, I just feel stupid. Downright dumb. I don’t even know what I was thinking. He isn’t my type, and I still took the risk when it wasn’t the right one to take.
Blah.
I’ve always seen myself with someone like my dad. My dad was so respectful, worked hard to provide for his family, and loved with everything inside of him. There wasn’t a day, and still isn’t one, that I didn’t know he loved me. It was all in his eyes and the things he did. He would buy my mom flowers just because, and he would leave little notes for me. He was never too tired to do things with my mom and me. We were his world, and I always said I would be with someone like him.
The main thing is that I want to be wooed, I want to be wined and dined, and I want the romance that my mom had. What a whirlwind it was! She didn’t like my dad at first, said he was obnoxious, but he wouldn’t give up. He relentlessly showed up wherever she was. He’d sing to her with a whole crowd around them. He’d bring her tokens of his love, little sweet nothings she called them, that made her fall for him completely. He promised her the world and he gave it to her, she said, the day I was born.
Clearing my throat, I look away from the customer talking to me to collect myself. This isn’t the place to reminisce about my family, but I just miss them so much. It seems like I never stop thinking about them. Sometimes I wonder if I would be the same person I am now if I had both of them today. I know I probably wouldn’t be in Ireland, but would I still be the naïve girl that I am? Never been thoroughly kissed by a man, never been in bed with one, or even touched in a sexual way. I don’t know why I am thinking so much about being a virgin but, since last night, that’s the second thing that has been flooding my thoughts.
All I could think as Casey was forcing himself on me was that I was going to be raped my first time. I know it happens to women all the time, and I hate that more than I can ever express, but I always pictured my first time, like every other girl, all romantic and sweet with the man I love. Or even hot and passionate, in the back of my long-time boyfriend’s car, because we didn’t have anywhere to go since both our parents were home. I never got that though. I never really did anything wrong. I was always the perfect daughter. I’m not saying I want to start doing crazy shit, but I just want to stop feeling like my life has been nothing up to this point.
Because I know it hasn’t. I cared and loved my mother until her dying breath. I was and still am a straight A student. I know how to run a household and I know how to love, because I watched two of the most unbelievable people in the world do it. I just hate that I let myself get in the position I did last night and more than anything, I hate that I pushed Declan away today.
I should have told him about Casey, maybe not all of what happened, but I just couldn’t. I am so embarrassed, and I’m positive he’d think I am as stupid as I feel. A stupid, naïve girl that isn’t worth his time. It was bad enough that I turned him down despite my gut feeling not to, but now I put myself in a position with Casey. One I don’t like. I mean, I get that flowers are a good things to send when you need to apologize, but I am sure that Kane’s message was clear when he told him to stay the hell away from me. I guess that Casey didn’t fully understand that.
Instead, he spent money of a beautiful bouquet of yellow daisies and wrote me a note that he really shouldn’t have because I do not intend to speak to him ever again. Even though I threw the flowers and card away, I’ll never forget the words he messily wrote to me.
Amberlyn,
I am sorry for the way I acted last night. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel that I forced you into something you did not want. I assumed you felt for me what I feel for you and acted on the feelings. I hope that we can move on from this and maybe you will consider giving me another chance. I know that we just met but I just feel this insane attraction to you, and I hope you feel the same.
Casey.
I still can’t believe he actually thinks I want to have anything to do with him. He scared the living shit out of me, and I don’t think I’d ever be able to be with him alone. I don’t know if I believe the stories that I have heard since. Of course, it is still only a rumor, but I was there to feel him dig his nails in my face and that alone has me not wanting to be anywhere near him. The mere thought has me physically shaking as I fill my regular’s pint.
“You all right?”
I look up at Fiona. “Sure. Just super tired.”
She moves around me, filling her own pints. As she does, she leans in and whispers, “I heard you crying, Amberlyn. I know you’re not. You can talk to me.”
I move around her to pass a pint before grabbing another. “I know I can, but not now. I’m fine.”
She looks around, cupping my shoulder in a loving way. “All right, we won’t be busy much longer.”
“I hope not.” I sigh as I put a fake smile on my face when my favorite college guy comes to the bar.
“I love you, Amberlyn. Marry me?”
I smile. “Sorry Brian, I’m not in the marrying mood tonight.”
He looks deflated for only a second before he asks, “Mrs. Maclaster, are you and your husband still together?”
My aunt Shelia laughs loudly from where she is working the register. “Of course, we are, Brian. Go on before I call your gran!”
Brian’s eyes widen before he scurries off with the pint I filled. He is always here for a good laugh, but tonight I just don’t feel like laughing. Letting out a sigh, I reach for the plates my uncle placed on the food counter and serve them to table nine. My patrons a
re all grinning and thanking me but then, suddenly, they fall silent and their heads turn towards the door. Weird. I look around and see that everyone is doing the same thing, which can only mean one thing.
Turning, I find Declan standing in the middle of the door, breathing heavily, with his face red. He looks around the pub and when his eyes fall on me, meeting my gaze, I can’t catch a breath to save my life. Honestly. His blue eyes are flaring with anger, his brows meeting together, and his sweet mouth is in a straight line. Instantly, my heart speeds up and a weird feeling settles in my stomach.
He knows.
“I need to talk to you, right now,” he says in a very steady, but forceful voice.
I raise an eyebrow as everyone’s eyes shift to me. “Okay?”
“Now.”
I scoff. “Well, you’re gonna have to give me a minute, I have to finish serving these tables.”
“No, I need to talk to you this instant. Please.”
I roll my eyes as I walk past him to get the plates I forgot. “Like I said, it’s gonna be a minute.”
“Amberlyn,” my aunt scolds as I reach for the plates. “Declan would like to speak with you.”
“Okay?” I ask. “I have tables to serve.”
“We can take care of that,” she says, pushing Fiona towards me, but I shake my head, holding the plates out of Fiona’s reach.
“But I can,” I say, taking the plates. “He can wait.”
“No, he cannot,” she urges me, her eyes wide.
But I stand my ground. I have to work and I don’t answer to Declan’s beck and call, unlike everyone else in the damn town. “Yes, he can,” I say, passing by him and setting the plates down. I know I have mixed everyone’s orders, but I doubt they even notice. They are all just as shocked as my aunt.
“Anything else?”
No one says anything, and I roll my eyes before glaring at Declan. “Fine, you’ve rendered the pub speechless. I guess we can go outside. Might as well do it in here though, since I can guarantee you everyone will be listening.”
Declan crosses his arms across his chest, his eyes burning into mine. “I’d like to speak to you in private, please.”
I pass by him and go out the door he left open. When I hear it shut behind me, I know he followed. I start for the field by the parking lot so that Declan can have the privacy he asked for, since I am going nowhere near the alley I was in with Casey last night. When a gorgeous, white and black horse comes into view, my mouth drops.
“Who rides a horse to the pub?” I ask, reaching out to pet him. He neighs a greeting, rubbing his nose into my hand.
“I do. That’s Cathmor.”
“Of course you do,” I say. I mean, really? A horse? He comes riding across the field on his mighty steed to have it out with the woman who crossed him. It is so 1800ish that it isn’t even funny. Doesn’t he know that we live in the 21st century? I let out a disgruntled noise, knowing I’m being a bitch, but I don’t like the way he came in demanding to speak to me. Dropping my hand from the beautiful horse, I turn and make my way to the field. Once there, I whip around to find myself face to face with Declan. My breath hitches as his eyes watch me, his chest rising and falling, and his mouth still in such a straight line. I wish he’d smile more. He makes me nervous when he is staring at me like this.
“Amberlyn—” he starts to say.
I cut him off before he can finish. “Before you say what you need to, I’d like to say that I don’t like the way you talked to me. I am not beneath you. You don’t demand anything of me or push me around!”
His head falls to the side, his eyes still locked with mine, but then he nods. “I’m sorry. I let my emotions take over.”
“Thank you,” I say, mimicking his stance and crossing my arms across my chest as I look away. “Now, as you were saying?”
He chuckles. It has me looking up at him quickly, surprised. His mouth is turned up in the most beautiful smile ever. His anger and his standoffish stance are gone, and what is left behind is breathtaking. His eyes are so light, even in the darkness, and his smile radiant. I am in awe as he says, “I love how you treat me. It is refreshing. I also admire the fact that you can’t be pushed around. I respect you, Amberlyn, a lot.”
That has me dropping my arms and tucking them in my pocket. “Thank you.”
“I’ll admit that I’m spoiled and usually get what I want, but you’ve never treated me that way. I like that you put me in my place. I should have never spoken to you like that. Thank you for reminding me of that.”
“To me you’re just a regular guy, like I’ve said before.”
“I know and I like that, but I don’t like being lied to, Amberlyn.”
I look up quickly. “I never lied to you.”
“No? Then what would you call it? Withholding information?”
I shrug as I look away again. “Okay, maybe I did withhold some information, but it wasn’t like you came out and asked.”
“Maybe so, but I don’t like what happened, not one bit, and it is taking everything out of me not to go find him and fuckin’ kill him,” he says, his accent flaring more so than before with his voice laced with anger.
“I know.”
“Why did you lie to me? I thought we were friends, at least.”
I shrug again as I shake my head. “I just felt so embarrassed, like, how stupid could I be? Why did I go out with him alone after what Fiona told me about your sister? Why did I allow him to get so close to me—where I was in reach of him grabbing me? You know? Is it my fault because I allowed him to kiss me before without really putting up any kind of boundaries?”
He is shaking his head before I can finish talking. Stepping closer, he says, “No, he is trash, filth. Amberlyn, you did nothing wrong. He did. A man should respect a woman. Something that Casey Burke obviously has no clue on how to do.”
I know he is right, but I still doubt the fact, even though everyone has told me the same thing. I just feel so stupid and wish I were a better judge of character. “I just don’t want to look bad in your eyes, and I feel like that is exactly what happened. I not only turned you down, but I went out with a guy you obviously hate. I mean, how do we come back from that? Do you even want to be anywhere near me?”
When his hand cups my chin, I look up, surprised to find him much closer than he was a second ago. Looking deep in my eyes, Declan holds my face tenderly as he says, “You’ll never look bad in my eyes, Amberlyn. I’m smitten with you if you haven’t noticed. I have been since the moment I saw you. I never want anything to happen to you. I’m sorry about what happened, but I can promise it never will again. Not while I’m around. And the answer is yes… I want to be near you, very much so.”
I can only blink as he holds my gaze, his other hand coming up to cup my cheek. “I’d like to take you out to dinner and get to know you. See if this thing I have for you is real because yeah, you did turn me down and you did go out with someone I despise, but that’s all in the past, done with, over. All I care about at this moment is your lips forming the word yes.”
I know my eyes are wide and my mouth is hanging open in complete shock as I dumbly ask, “Really?”
His mouth curves up as he slowly nods, his lips only inches from mine. “Yes, I promise it will be worth your while.”
I don’t doubt that at all. “Then yes, I’d like that.”
He smiles as he drops his hands from my face and takes my hands in his. Bringing my knuckles to his lips, he kisses each one before looking back up into my eyes. He leans in, his mouth so close that my lips part as I await his kiss. I can feel his breath against my mouth as he whispers, “Tomorrow?”
I’m breathless as I agree. “Sure.”
“Wonderful. Let me walk you back to the pub.”
Wait, what? His hand intertwines with mine and I’m still gasping for breath, unsure on what just happened. “You’re not going to kiss me?”
I. Did. Not. Just. Ask. That.
Oh my god, someone kill m
e now. What the hell is wrong with me? I close my eyes, covering my face with my free hand, but Declan laughs as he uncovers it, taking my chin between his forefinger and thumb. Holding my gaze, he says, “Not yet, but did you want me to?”
My heart skips a beat as I smile, looking deep in his eyes. “Yeah, I do.”
He smiles. “Good to know. Yes, of course I want to, but I want to wait.”
My brow comes up as I look at him questionably. “For?”
“The moment it will mean the most, when you’ll least expect it.”
Breathlessly, I grin like a fool as my heart swells in my chest. I’m glad he didn’t kiss me, because I want to wait for that moment too. I don’t know why but as he holds my gaze, I know it will be a moment worth waiting for.
As long as it’s with him.
“What are you grinning at?”
I glanced over to where my sister is watching me from the doorway. I am sitting in my favorite chair in my library, getting lost in the world of The Hobbit. I don’t know how I forgot how much I love this book. It’s been years since I’ve read it, and I feel like a kid again—lost in the world of dwarfs, hobbits, and the dragon, Smog. It’s great, and I wish I did this more often. Usually, I work all the time, and I’ve decided I need to make more time to read. Instead of only doing it when I am nervous and trying to distract myself. I am doing that now, to past time before I have to go pick up Amberlyn.
Amberlyn.
Ugh, just thinking her name has my heart palpitating in overdrive. I was so mad before I found myself in the field with her. Alone. Just us. Her eyes set on mine, and all my anger was gone. Feeling her so close, holding her hands, and looking so deep into her eyes had me wondering why I waited so long for this moment. I should have just jumped in from the beginning, but that was in the past. Now all that matters is that in no time, I’ll be getting lost in her aquamarine eyes. I am giddy. Something I’ve never felt before but looking into my sister’s knowing eyes, I feel that my giddiness might be short-lived.
“Nothing,” I lie, because there is no way I am sharing my thoughts of Amberlyn with her, or anyone for that matter. I haven’t even kissed the girl, and she can turn me into a blabbin’ eejit. I want her, desperately. I want her lips on mine; I want to feel her body against mine as we lay in bed, talking and getting lost in each other’s bodies. I have never been this so far gone with a girl that I’ve just met, but I find that I am. It’s scary and causes my heart to feel like it is blowing up in my chest, but there is something about Amberlyn that hits me in my core.