“If?” she asks with a laugh. “We will, don’t worry.”
I do worry though. It seems like life is against me more often than it is with me. My money wasn’t even a thing I ever asked for. It just came to me with the idea I had. Maybe that’s all I get is great wealth. Maybe a family isn’t in the cards for me.
Lexi sure as hell isn’t chomping at the bit to marry me. There’s always a chance she’ll take off again. Stranger things have happened to me. If she leaves me again, I don’t know what I’ll do.
Her arm goes around my waist as we walk inside and she looks up at me. “Max, let’s go to the bedroom.”
“Why, it’s like four o’clock in the afternoon, Lex?”
Her smile is mischievous. “I know that, I’m not tired.”
Oh crap! The thrill of the ride has made her horny!
“Lex, that’s like such a bad idea. Let’s go out and get something to eat or go bowling or shoot some darts or anything to get your mind off that.” I let her go and move a couple of steps away from her.
“No,” she tries to close the distance between us, but I keep just out of her reach. “Max, come on.”
Stopping, I take her by her narrow shoulders and hold her away from me as she reaches out and tries to get her hands on me. “I don’t want to use a fucking rubber and I don’t want to come all over you like I did before.”
“It was no big deal, Logan did that to me too,” she says and I find I’m pissed.
“Don’t do that!” I let her go and walk away from her. “Don’t you fucking ever tell me what you did with him. You made promises to me and didn’t keep them. I kept mine to you. Don’t ever remind me of what you did to me. I nearly killed myself over your ass and you were over there fucking another man!”
“Max!” she looks at me with her mouth open.
“I have to know one thing, Lexi. This has eaten at me for a long time. Did you ever tell him you’d have his baby? Because when your family and he were here while we looked for you, I overheard him tell your brother that you and he were going to get married and you had agreed to start working on getting pregnant.”
Her stunned silence answers my question and I feel sick to my stomach. “Max, I don’t know why I agreed to that, but it was a mistake and thank God it didn’t happen.”
“But you did that with him. You made love to him and hoped to have his child.” I turn back and look at her. “How could you do that to me?”
“Max, this is so out of left field for you.” She comes towards me and reaches out for me, but I don’t let her touch me. “I thought this was all behind us. I thought you forgave me. All we’ve both been through, it made me realize how much I love you and no one else. Please stop this.”
“You shouldn’t have brought it up, Lexi. Now all I can see is the two of you fucking the days and nights away as I drifted in the God damned ocean and fought off sharks and nearly drowned as a storm sent waves from hell crashing down on my ass.”
“It wasn’t even good, Max. The sex was without the spark we have,” she says and now I’m seeing red.
With a flick of my wrist, I toss over the end table I’m standing next to and it flies through the room. “How could you have stayed there with him, having sex that obviously meant nothing to you while I lay drinking myself into oblivion over you?”
Tears pour from her eyes. “Max, stop! I don’t know and I can’t change the past.”
“Stop crying!” I yell. “Just stop crying! It’s me who should be doing that, not you. It’s not you that hurt. It’s not you who lay alone and stayed true to what we’d agreed to. It was going to be me and you exclusively, but you lied and left me and tore me in two.”
I walk away from her and leave her standing in the room alone. “Where are you going?” she yells.
Without looking back at her I say, “Away, let you see what it feels like for a change.”
“When will you be back?” Her words are broken as she gasps from crying.
“Tell you what, Lex, I’ll surprise you, like you did me. I didn’t get to know, so neither do you. Let’s see how you like it.”
“This is cruel and not like you.”
I turn and look back at her. “And what you did wasn’t?”
“I was a mess, Max. You know that. Fear ruled me,” she says and moves a few steps towards me.
“Yet you told another man you’d marry him and have his children, then you went off and left his ass too. You refuse to marry me though you’ve said you would. How am I supposed to believe a word you say?”
“I’m not a liar, I’ve been a fool, but I’m no liar. I do love you and the truth is this depression you’ve gone into since I lost the baby is scary to me.”
“You didn’t lose the baby, my mother killed it. I have a right to be depressed over that. You did lie to me and don’t act like it wasn’t a lie. If you didn’t intend on staying with me, why did you say you would?” I look her in the eyes and wait for her answer.
“I don’t know.” She walks over and falls on the sofa and starts really bawling and instead of feeling bad or sorry I feel nothing and turn and walk out the door.
Alexis
My eyes burn as the tears flow from them. Max left and I have no idea where he went or when he’ll be back and what type of condition he’ll be in if he comes back. My past caught up to me and now I realize how badly I hurt him when I moved in with Logan.
That was the biggest mistake I ever made and it may screw up my future with Max. So much pent up resentment he has. It should’ve been dealt with when it happened as it has fermented inside him all this time and exploded out at me with no warning.
I hear someone coming and sit up and wipe my eyes, praying it’s him. But it’s Hilda who walks into the room. Her eyes go wide as she sees the state I’m in.
“Lexi, what’s wrong?”
“Max left me,” I say and break into sobs again.
Her arms go around me as she hugs me tightly. “Why?”
“Because I had planned to marry that man, Logan, and have children with him.”
“You did?” she asks and tightens her arms around me. “Why on Earth would you tell Max about that? He never needed to know that, Miha.”
“It wasn’t me who told him, he said he overheard Logan tell my brother that. I don’t know why he waited so long to ask me if it was true, but when he did I had to tell him it was and he exploded.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. “Do you think what we have is over, Hilda?”
She lets me out of her arms and hands me a towel from her apron pocket. I dry my eyes and wipe my nose as she says, “I have no idea. The man went to a dark place when you left him. He hasn’t been the same since you lost the baby that’s for sure.”
“I don’t know what I’ll do if he breaks things off with me. It seems losing the baby was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened to us. So many bad things have happened already. Maybe our being together isn’t meant to be.” I look at her and see if she agrees.
“Sometimes people have it harder than others. I don’t think it means you weren’t meant to be together, it just means you should try a little harder than others have to. Max needed to get that off his chest. You did hurt him and that should be acknowledged.” She pats my back. “When he comes back I’m sure he’ll be calmer and then you can apologize and things can go back to normal. Or as normal as they can be as he mourns the loss of the baby.”
“I kinda think he’ll stay depressed until I get pregnant again. And I’m not really happy with how he’s hating his mother. The thing is, I’m afraid if our children get into a bad part of their lives he’ll turn his back on them too, just like he has his mother.”
“Have you told him this?”
“I have talked to him a little about it.”
“Communication is essential in a good relationship. I think any concerns you both have should be expressed. I know I’m no longer married, but before my husband passed away ten years ago, we had a very good marriage and
we talked about everything. No matter how hard it was to bring it up, we did, and it helped us stay together, till death did us part.”
“You’re right.” I stand up and smile. “I’m going to get myself cleaned up so when he comes home we can have a calm talk about our future together. I’ll apologize for what I’ve done wrong and tell him what I feel about our future kids and see where that leaves us.”
“Great! Good luck,” Hilda says as I leave the room.Max
Oranges and yellows fill the sky as the sun sets and I drive along the road that runs along the beach in Galveston. The last time I saw this place was just before I wrecked my chopper into the ocean. Such a bad place I was in then, both physically and emotionally.
I thought I’d gotten past that, but after my outburst, it’s pretty obvious I haven’t. The love I have for Lexi doesn’t seem to be enough to get over all she’s done to hurt me. I’ve made excuses for her behavior, but it still affected me more than I realized.
Tossing furniture around and yelling isn’t something I do. Making women cry isn’t a thing I do, either. It’s time to really think about the future and look at the reality of our relationship.
Point one, Lexi will not commit to a date to get married, yet she will commit to getting pregnant, and that makes no damn sense. The next point is she still feels like a flight risk. How am I to live with the constant thought in the back of my head that she’ll leave me again?
I feel at some point, especially when Sissy gets released from rehab, that Lexi will shove it down my throat how I need to let her live with us and I don’t ever want that. I never want to see the woman again much less allow her to live with us.
All these things are adding up to a whole lot of this isn’t working for me. The lingering resentments of how bad she hurt me are just too much to live with. I turn around and head back home. It’s time to end this.
The ride back takes less time than I had anticipated and I’m feeling nervous at how Lexi will take my news. I’m tired of the crying and just want this over and done with.
A light from the television shines underneath the bedroom door, so I’m sure Lexi is in there. I take in a deep breath and muster up the courage to do what I have to do to get my life moving again.
Her head turns as I open the door and I see her chest move up and down as she no doubt breathes a sigh of relief I’m back. She gets out of bed and walks towards me. “I owe you an apology,” she says as she stops in front of me. “I hurt you and I never really gave you the apology you deserved. I truly am sorry and if I could go back in time I would change everything.”
“Thank you,” I say and find it hard not to pull her into my arms and hug her. But I can’t do that.
“You and I need to talk,” she says and turns and goes back to sit on the bed.
I follow her and sit a little bit away from her. “We do need to talk, Lex.”
Her eyes dart to mine and I don’t think she sees what’s coming. “You go first.”
I nod. “Lex, this isn’t working out.”
Her eyes go wide and glassy. “What?”
“This thing we have isn’t working out. I foresee a future of you shoving my mother down my throat. Although you say you’ll get pregnant, you won’t walk down the aisle with me and that’s more than a little upsetting to me as you’ve run off on me twice. I feel as if I’m putting a lot of stock into a ship which can sail away without me at any moment.”
“I’m not planning on leaving,” she says.
I hold up my hand, stopping her. “You didn’t plan on doing it before from what you told me. I’m afraid you saying it doesn’t make me feel any more secure about it. I want a woman who loves me and I can count on to be there for me and our children. I don’t have that confidence in you anymore.”
“Max, I really think you should think about this some more. You’ve been so depressed these last few months. This isn’t like you at all.” Her bottom lip begins to quiver.
“No, this isn’t like me. I haven’t been myself in so damn long I’ve forgotten who I really am.” I lean back on the headboard. “Lexi, I’ve never thrown furniture. I’ve never yelled at a woman like I yelled at you. I’ve never had the depression I have before you came into my life. I love you, I know that much, but maybe it’s like you said a long time ago, we’re bad for each other.”
She stares at me as if I’ve gone crazy, but I think I was crazy and am just now regaining my sanity. Finally she looks away and stands up. “I’ll go sleep in another room then. I can’t believe after all we’ve been through that you’re giving up. I’m sorry I did what I did with Logan and I’m sorry I left you the first time too. There are no excuses for what I did to you. I hurt you and I guess it was too deep for you to get over.”
“We can still be friends, I guess.” I mess with the pillow to avoid looking at her as she walks towards the door, because I’m fighting the urge to jump up and run and grab her, but I know this is for the best.
“That’s okay, maybe we should just leave each other alone and go on about our lives like this never happened. It would hurt me very much to see you with another woman or hear of it even. I love you with my whole heart and it was my intention to get through this rough patch and make a life with you. So this is hitting me a lot harder than maybe you meant it to. I’m not blaming you, so please don’t take it that way.”
“Lexi, I’m sorry it has to be this way.” My heart is beating like a base drum in my chest as she gets closer to the door. I’m fighting myself not to tell her to forget about what I just said.
She looks back at me as tears finally are set free from her eyes. “I’ll leave tomorrow. I’ll call a cab to come get me. I have my modeling money still and will buy myself a car.”
“You take the Mercedes, I gave it to you,” I say and try to gulp down the lump in my throat. “You keep everything I gave you, the clothes, the perfumes, and the shoes, all of it. I don’t want it back.”
She looks down at her engagement ring and takes it off and comes back towards me. “I can’t keep this.” Just before she gets to me she turns and places it on the chest of drawers. Which I’m grateful for because if she comes near me, I know I’ll take her in my arms and with one kiss, she’ll change my mind.
I hear her choke back a sob and she runs like lightning out the door. Sitting in stunned silence at what I’ve just done I finally allow the tears to come out. I turn and lay face first on the pillow I’m holding onto for dear life as my heart finishes breaking. I know it has to hurt worse before I can begin to heal.
Is it really over?
Part 9 Secrets of Bliss
Alexis
Grey, thick fog make it hard to see as I drive to work. I’m doing a photo shoot at the mall in Dallas. It’s been four, lonely months since I left Houston and Max. I’ll get to see Marcos today, but I’m sure it’ll make me even more depressed than I already am. He and Kate had their baby girl, and he’s sure to inundate me with her pictures.
I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong, but why can’t it be that easy for Max and me? I suppose I should stop thinking in terms like that. He and I are no longer together at his request. I haven’t heard a word from him since I left his mansion.
One day we’re all happy and then in an instant it all changed just because I had to say something very stupid. My stupid mouth gets me in trouble more times than it gets me out of it.
Why would I ever think it was okay to tell Max anything about what Logan and I did in the bedroom?
That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done some dumb stuff. Now I’m looking at a life so lonely it’s almost not worth living. Not that I’m about to kill myself or anything like that, but just living day to day with no real hope is what I’ve been doing. My new best friend is Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I switch up flavors every day, but me and a pint end each night together.
As I pull into the parking lot I see Marcos’s car and low and behold he’s brought Kate and the baby.
Gre
at!
I get out of the car with a frown, knowing full well how this will affect me, but I manage to put on a smile for who used to be my best friend. “Hi, guys,” I say as I wave at them.
Marcos runs up to me and takes me in his arms and spins around with me as he squeals, “My, God, look at you!” He puts me down and I find I’m a little dizzy.
“Whoa there, Marcos,” I say as I hold onto his arm until I can see straight again. “How have you been?”
“Great, except for getting up at all hours of the night with the little princess. She’s already a month old, and this is the first time you’ve seen her.”
Kate walks up to us, holding the tiny, pink bundle in her small arms. “Hello, Lexi.”
I give her a hug and look down at the sleeping baby girl in her arms. “She’s adorable, Kate. She looks like a perfect mix of you and Mr. Too Handsome, here.”
Marcos giggles. “She does, right?”
I run my finger over her light brow. “Celeste fits her perfectly. You two did good.”
Marcos smiles and Kate gazes at him like he hung the moon. “We did. I’m so sorry things are going poorly with Max, Lexi.”
I look away as tears spring up with just the mention of his name. “Yeah, well that’s what happens when you do stupid things, good things end.”
Marcos’s arm goes around my shoulders and he leads me into the mall as Kate follows us. “I know it’s only been a few months, but don’t you think it’s time to move on? There’s going to be another male model working with us today, maybe you should see if you find him interesting.”
“No way!” I say. “I’m through with romance. A life of solitude is what I want.”
“No one wants that. Don’t lie to me or yourself, Lexi,” Marcos says as we walk through the glass doors and find the shoot all set up.
A gorgeous, dark haired man with deep blue eyes smiles at us, then he says, with a velvety southern drawl, “You must be the infamous Lexi Mathews.” I extend my hand and he shakes his head and pulls me from Marcos’s arms and into his. “We’ll be working together a lot and we’re about to make some pretty steamy pictures, so a handshake is out, my darling.”
Savage SEAL’s Virgin: A Submissives’ Secrets Novel Page 90