by Mona Kasten
I’d never told anyone about it before. Well, of course Allie and Scott knew that Nate had cheated on me and that I’d wanted to get the hell out of Portland—but this was the first time I’d told anyone the whole story. What Nate had done. That I’d caught him in the act and that we’d been married. It hurt so much to say it out loud. That someone I’d loved so much, someone to whom I’d given everything—from my first kiss to my virginity to the promise to spend my life with him—and that it hadn’t been enough. That it was somehow impossible for someone to love me.
I was ashamed, and it hurt, and at the same time I was furious at myself for feeling this way.
And yet it was a relief to tell this all to Spencer. Hopefully he understood me better now.
“I can’t believe he did that to you, Dawn. It must have been so hard to get back on your feet.”
I nodded. “It was a shock. I felt numb and at the same time in so much pain that I couldn’t breathe; everything in me had broken. Forget about sleeping in our bed ever again! I booked a hotel room. And there was no way I could let my dad see me in that state.”
“I hope your dad let Nate have it.”
My eyes opened wider. “No. Dad doesn’t know about it, and that’s how I want it to stay.”
Spencer sat up straight. “What?”
“My father thinks we parted on good terms. I didn’t want him to worry.”
“You can’t be serious, Dawn!”
“It’s better this way, believe me. My dad’s been friends with the Duffy family for years, and I didn’t want to destroy that by telling him his son-in-law’s an asshole.”
He frowned.
“Your… last name isn’t Duffy,” he said after a pause.
Slowly I shook my head. “Not any more.”
“Okay,” was all Spencer said. He stared at my hand as if he were looking for a clue that I used to wear a ring.
“I wanted to have the marriage annulled, but in Oregon that’s only possible if you were under eighteen at the time of the wedding or if there were other serious problems, like a forced marriage or discovering the bride and groom are related,” I continued in a soft voice.
Spencer grunted. “I’ve heard that before.”
“Your parents?” I asked.
He looked up und nodded. “They love to talk about their work. You pick up a lot of info that way.”
I bit lightly on my lower lip. It had taken so much effort for me to open up to Spencer, but at the same time I obviously had to do it. I needed him to understand that my constant rejections of him weren’t done for the fun of it.
“When we met… it was only four months after my divorce.”
He looked up again, and I had to clear my throat.
“I vowed never to get involved with anyone that way again. And then you stood there with your beautiful hair, wearing that stupid shirt, and you smiled at me so easily… That was just unfair of you!”
The beginnings of a smile played on his lips.
“The day I found Nate out, I lost part of myself forever. Love and happy endings are a thing of the past for me. Been there, done that. I mean, Nate and I were in love. And still, look what happened. So now… I can’t trust anyone ever again.”
Now Spencer looked totally serious. “That’s why you wanted to leave.”
Cautiously I reached out and stroked the back of his hand. “I’m sorry… Your words reminded me so much of Nate, and that memory was like a bucket of ice water.”
Spencer turned his hand over and interlaced his fingers with mine. “Do you still love him?”
“No,” I said firmly. “But the months after our breakup were the hardest in my life. I was so numb that I couldn’t even eat… Only my writing kept me going. When I wrote, I felt something. Otherwise, I was like a zombie. It was strange; somehow my feelings were shut away during the day, but at night I would wake up breathless and sweaty.”
“Good grief, you should have talked to someone.” He squeezed my hand.
“Yeah, but who? Nate and I shared the same circle of friends. And of course, they all heard that I was in a bad way and felt sorry for me at first. But at some point I also realized that they were less in touch with me and were hanging out with Nate and Rebecca instead. Eventually I lost contact with them completely.” I huffed out a sigh. “After walking in on Nate, I stayed at a hotel for three weeks; eventually I pulled myself together and went home to my dad and told him that Nate and I had separated. At first he couldn’t believe it. When I explained that it hadn’t worked out, that we’d married too young, and that our marriage had been a big mistake, he believed me. It had been much the same for him and my mom; I knew this and made use of it. I moved back in with him and, together with the Duffys, we looked for a divorce lawyer. My memories of everything we had to sign and discuss are pretty vague. I put on a smile and repeated the same story to anybody who cared to ask…
Nate cooperated. Of course, it was very convenient for him to hide the real reason for our separation, to pretend that we were best friends who’d made a stupid mistake. It turned out to be pretty easy to get the divorce. The process went quickly because we had no shared property and no… no children.”
Spencer gently stroked my hand. “You weren’t pregnant?”
I exhaled. “No, I wasn’t.”
“How did you deal with it?” he probed.
Swallowing, I looked down at our hands. “I didn’t. I lost control of myself, my life, my future. True, I had a high school diploma. But that wasn’t going to get me very far. My life had been turned upside down, and I didn’t know…” Tears filled my eyes again. “I didn’t know how things could ever be okay again.” The words stuck in my throat, and my free hand lay on my thigh—on the spot where my scars were, under my jeans. “One night, I even hurt myself.”
Spencer’s expression froze. “Dawn…”
“Just once,” I said quickly. “I only did it once. I… just needed to know that I could still feel something.”
I couldn’t look him in the eye. Sometimes I couldn’t even bear seeing my own reflection when I stepped out of the shower and saw my scarred thigh in the mirror.
“Dawn,” Spencer whispered again.
“I’m ashamed of it.”
He looked tortured, as if he wished he could have been with me then, to stop me from making such a mistake.
“Looking back, I’d like to shake myself. I really lost it. I was so weak.” My words came out in a whisper.
“You don’t need to feel ashamed, Dawn. Just promise me that the next time you feel that way, you’ll talk to someone. Come to me or go to Allie. If you want, I can even give you the number of my therapist.”
He pronounced these words so casually, as if it were nothing unusual. I swallowed.
“I’ll never do anything like that again. The sight of blood woke me up. It snapped me back to reality; I realized that I had to change my life.”
“So you came to Woodshill.”
I nodded slowly. “After three more months in Portland I moved here. It took me that long to regain some confidence.”
“You’re strong, Dawn Edwards. So strong.” A look of amazement was on his face; did I really deserve it?
Scooting closer to him, I saw he had goose bumps on his arms. Without hesitating, I lifted the blanket he’d wrapped around me and stretched it out to cover him as well.
“Thanks.” Spencer smiled gently, but his eyes were still serious.
“I can’t give too much of myself to another person,” I whispered, choosing my words carefully. “I couldn’t survive that again.”
Spencer nodded. Raising a hand to my cheek, he wiped away the tears.
“What an idiot I am,” he said suddenly. “I put so much pressure on you, and that’s the last thing you needed. I must have scared you to death.”
“You’re not a
n idiot, Spence. Don’t say that.”
He groaned. “It’s so typical of me. I’m the king of morons. How did you hold out for so many months without slapping me upside the head?”
“Kaden already did it for me,” I joked, recalling Spencer’s black eye and my sore hand, which I’d aimed at Kaden—and missed.
There was obviously too much aggression in our circle of friends.
“I’m so sorry, Dawn. If I’d known all this, I would never have been…” He grimaced and rubbed the back of his head. “Man, I am bad at this.” He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Before we met, the last thing I wanted was a girlfriend. I only got involved with women who had no expectations. But when I met you…” He shrugged. “I wanted to do everything right: to woo you, to take you out, basically everything in the dating how-to book. You would be my first relationship and I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“I didn’t know you’d never been in a relationship before,” I said.
“So far none of my relationships have lasted longer than a night.”
“You scoundrel.” We were better at joking around than at serious talk. So much better.
“I didn’t have the time or the patience for anything more. But with you… it’s the first time I wanted something else. I guess I should have done everything the way I used to.”
“It probably would have gotten us here a little faster,” I replied.
His brow wrinkled briefly.
“Do you regret what we did last night?” he asked abruptly.
Looking into his face and seeing the restlessness in his deep blue eyes, I felt a surge of emotion.
“No way,” I said finally.
Spencer sighed in relief. “And here I thought you were going to say ‘yes.’”
He smiled, and I tried to smile back. But my face was too sore. Crying for too long did that to me.
“I would never even think of it.”
He brushed my bangs from my forehead and tried to tuck them behind my ears, but they were too short and fell right back into my face. A little line of concentration appeared between his dark brows.
“I meant it when I said I’d take you any way you let me, Dawn.”
My throat was dry as a desert. His words left me speechless. He said that even after I told him how screwed up I was.
“You’re one of my best friends, and I don’t want what happened last night to change anything,” he continued.
“I don’t, either,” I whispered hoarsely.
He dropped his arm. “Good,” he said, looking pensive. He nodded slowly, as if to himself.
“Good,” I echoed. “So we’re still friends?”
“We’re anything you want us to be.”
Huh?
“Don’t worry too much about what’s between us. Because there is definitely something and neither of us can deny it,” he said, with his typical clarity. “I know you’re afraid, and it’s hard for you to not obsess over the future. But I think it would be better if you didn’t, and instead tried to do what I do.”
“And what would that be?”
“If I think too much about the future I get really nervous. So I take things one day at a time. Every morning I have a new chance to start over. And I use it. That’s what I think we should do.”
“So you want to act as if we never…?”
“Are you nuts? Of course not,” he replied firmly. “What I mean is that you shouldn’t worry too much about it, if it bothers you. But you also shouldn’t get too worked up if it happens again.”
Oh. Oh.
I swallowed hard and felt the heat rising in my cheeks.
“Because as far as I’m concerned, it could,” he continued, his voice softer now. And his expression wasn’t tinged with compassion, but with something else. Something deeper, full of promises and memories from the night before. Something that sent a prickling sensation through my stomach. How was that was even possible after my breakdown?
We stayed that way for a while on the sofa, curled together under the blanket, with Spencer’s confidence, my insecurity, and his unspoken proposal hanging in the air.
Chapter 20
It felt strange to go back to my dorm. Everything had changed. Not to mention I was totally exhausted, partly due to the night of sex with Spencer, but even more to my crying jag. Hell, I must have used up my tear quota for the next five years. One look in the mirror of the dorm showers confirmed my suspicion that my face resembled a blotchy tomato.
Under a hot shower, I tried to turn off my thoughts. I needed time to process the previous night. When the hot water started to run out, I turned it off and stepped out, drying myself before slipping into my pajamas. Finally, I remembered to turn on my cell phone and read the five texts from Allie that had come during the night, asking where I’d disappeared to and why I hadn’t said goodbye. She punctuated her last message with a sad smiley face.
I answered that there had been so many people surrounding her that it was nearly impossible to reach her. It was a pretty lame excuse, but now was not the time to be creative. I desperately needed some sleep.
I rolled myself up in my blanket like a burrito, and closed my eyes. No thoughts, no feelings, just quiet—and the heaviness of my tired limbs.
I didn’t wake up until Sawyer came home. She kicked off her boots, which hit her dresser with a bang.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you were sleeping,” she said, as I sat up and rubbed my hand over my eyes.
“No problem,” I responded, followed by a yawn. “What time is it, anyway?”
“Just after seven,” Sawyer answered, slipping off her leather jacket.
Cautiously, I took stock of myself. After sleeping all day, I felt calmer and more clearheaded than I’d been when Spencer dropped me off.
Sawyer looked at me again. Tipping her head to the side, she frowned. “You had sex,” she blurted out.
“How the hell can you tell?” I responded, pulling my blanket over my shoulders.
Sawyer just grinned. “I felt the vibrations. And since you’re not denying it, I’ve got all the evidence I need.” She plopped down on her bed. “Was it good?
I sighed. Of all questions for her to ask right now, just when I was trying to avoid thinking about it. Because if I did think about it…
Images of Spencer appeared in my mind’s eye: his body tensed over mine, his hand twisted in my hair…
“Oh, God,” I groaned and buried my face in my hands, falling back into my pillow.
“Oh, don’t worry about it, Dawn. The first time after a long drought is usually not great.”
My pulse had quickened and I tried hard not to picture Spencer’s naked, sweat-drenched body.
“It actually wasn’t bad,” I murmured.
Sawyer’s bed creaked as she got up and came over to me. She sat down on my bed, leaned against the wall, and crossed her legs. “I’m all ears.”
“Who says I want to talk about it?” I asked, looking at her.
“That’s the advantage of having a roommate, isn’t it?”
“What? Having someone get involved in my sex life?”
Sawyer nodded. “Yup. And I’ll return the favor and tell you all about mine.”
“Not that I want you to,” I mumbled to myself, which earned me a punch on the shin. “Ouch.”
“You deserved that. Now spit it out. Who were you with?”
I kept silent, still trying to suppress the growing warmth in my belly. It didn’t feel right to talk about it with others before figuring things out for myself.
But Sawyer didn’t give a damn about that. “Was it that guy who practically had a breakdown when your class presentation bombed?”
“Isaac? No way!”
She examined my expression closely. “Don’t tell me it was Spencer.”
My
eyes quickly focused on the ceiling.
Sawyer gasped. “Really? I thought you didn’t want to get involved with him! I had the impression he was coming on too strong for you.” It wasn’t an accusation, just honest surprise.
“Actually, he was. But then… it just happened. We kissed, and then somehow we couldn’t stop,” I admitted.
“So are you friends with benefits now?” asked Sawyer. “Or does he want a real relationship?”
I’d been writing erotic stories for years now, but the expression “friends with benefits” made me blush like mad. What was wrong with me?
“Judging by how you look right now, he’s sent you running.”
“No, not at all,” I responded.
“So what is it then?”
“He kind of suggested starting out casual,” I said, clearing my throat. “But indirectly.”
“What exactly did he say?”
“Something like, I shouldn’t get worked up if something more happens between us. And that I shouldn’t think about the future, if it scares me too much.”
She nodded slowly. “Isn’t that exactly what you wanted?”
Turning over on my stomach, I leaned my chin on my hands. “I’m not looking for a relationship. But still… it can’t be that easy.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged. “Well, how do you manage it? I mean, are there unspoken rules or something? Can you just… have sex without any expectations?”
Now she understood. “Okay, so if a guy expects more from you after sex, definitely don’t sleep with him.” She scootched a bit lower and leaned her head back against the wall. “Just because you start something casual doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to do more. To me, it sounds like Spencer simply wants to enjoy the moment with you because he knows you’re not ready for anything else. He’s taking what he can get.”