by Mona Kasten
My plan was to make a scrapbook for Olivia.
Her birthday was in a week, and after everything Spencer had told me about his sister, I felt like giving her something that came from the heart.
At the library, I’d printed off some color photos of Olivia’s favorite singers and bands, as well as a few pictures of places in Portland that Spencer told me were her favorite. I’d bought colorful paper, glitter, and felt pens so I could write down a few song lyrics in the book. It was a simple project, but I hoped she’d like it and not find it too corny.
I texted Spencer a photo of my efforts and the resulting chaos strewn around the floor, along with a smiley face. His reply appeared quickly.
Did someone break in to your place?
I grinned.
No, I’m making something.
His answer was a photo of his hand with white splotches all over it. He’d probably been working on his sculpture, a big secret project. Then came another image of him standing in front of a wooden table splattered with many colors. Spencer had posed right in front of the sculpture, blocking it from view.
I followed suit and sent him a photo of me sitting in front of the scrapbook; just a tiny corner was visible.
He replied with a photo of himself posed in front of a life-sized sculpture of a man’s backside. He was still grinning and his dimples looked delicious.
Before I could answer him my phone vibrated. I answered it without looking.
“You’re really bad at texting,” I teased, grinning down at my art supplies spread out on the floor. I didn’t really care what Sawyer might think. Frankly, I didn’t care about anything, as long as I could hold on to this feeling. Everything felt light; it was like I was floating.
“Dawn?”
I stopped floating and my heart sank like a stone.
“It’s me, Nate.”
Chapter 31
“What do you want?”
“To talk to you?” He let out a breathless laugh.
It was a familiar laugh. One that I’d loved for years. Now it made me nauseated.
“I wanted to hear your voice.”
“Okay. You’ve heard it. Bye.”
“Don’t hang up.” There was a note of panic in his voice, and I squeezed my eyes shut. “Please. Don’t hang up.”
His breathing came through the phone and I fought against the urge to throw it against the wall. With full force.
“I… have to tell you something.”
My teeth were grinding together.
“I miss you, Dawn. I miss what we used to have. You were my best friend, and I want you to know…”
“Oh, shut up.”
“I made a huge mistake. I know that now, and it’s sad that after all this time apart you don’t want to be in my life any more. We were…”
“Stop it, Nate,” I interrupted him again, my voice icy.
I was shivering. From anger or maybe something else. My dinner felt like a brick in my stomach and my limbs were tingling. It felt like thousands of spiders were crawling under my skin.
“But I love you.”
The tingling stopped. My ears were buzzing.
“What?” I croaked.
“I’ll always love you, Dawny,” he repeated in a wavering voice, his breathing uneven. “When I saw you in the restaurant, it was like my eyes were finally open. God, I know I totally screwed up, but you have to know I’ll never do that again. I’ve changed. I’ll take responsibility for my mistakes and…” There was a shattering sound and Nate cursed. “Shit. Hang on.”
His speech was slurred. “You’re drunk.”
“It’s been a year since we signed those damned papers, Dawny. The first year since we were little kids that we haven’t spoken, not even once, and you have no idea how much it fucking hurts.” Again, he seemed to stumble and needed a moment to gather his thoughts. “I’m thinking of you. Every day. And I miss you so goddamn much. Sometimes I think…”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I said. At the other end of the line something crashed.
“But I need you, Dawn. I need you in my life. I can’t make it without you.” His voice broke and in the background I could hear the sounds of other men talking.
“Go home, Nate. Sleep it off. And delete my number.” I hung up. Then I threw the phone across the room. It hit the wall and bounced off.
Sawyer touched me gently on the arm but I didn’t react. I didn’t even listen to what she said.
I’d forgotten!
One year ago today I’d signed the divorce papers, and forgot about it until now.
I love you.
If you really love someone—really, truly love them—then you don’t do what Nate had just done.
It had taken me a long time to get this far. I’d found myself and was never going to let him trap me in his web again.
I needed to get his voice out of my head.
For that, I really needed a distraction.
Beer was my new best friend. I didn’t actually like it, but it was all that Kaden had in the fridge and I decided after the fourth bottle that the bitter taste wasn’t so bad.
We were all watching The Bachelorette together at Allie and Kaden’s, on my suggestion. While Kaden, Scott, and I talked about which of the men we found okay and which we couldn’t stand, Allie was in the bathroom helping Monica dye her hair. Spencer and Ethan had just come back with the pizzas we’d ordered, and spread them out over the coffee table.
“Oh wow, I never would have thought that Mitchell would stay in,” Scott said, craning his neck to see past Ethan.
“Me neither. He’s an asshole,” I agreed.
“Which one is that, again?” Kaden asked, handing me another beer.
“The blond.”
“There are 20 blond guys, Scott.”
Scott rolled his eyes. “The surfing instructor.”
“Oh. Him.” Kaden looked toward me for a clue, and I hid my grin behind bottle number five.
Spencer plopped down on the sofa next to me. I avoided his gaze.
“That woman must be blind if she won’t let Rodrigo stay,” Scott said.
“Which one is that?” Kaden asked.
Scott sighed.
“The guy who runs around the whole time in overalls. The gardener,” I piped in.
“Oh, the one who’s naked under his overalls and always lets one of the straps hang? Amateur.”
I toasted to Kaden and we clinked our bottles together. Beer was good, after all, and a beer buddy was even better.
“You didn’t answer my last text, Edwards,” Spencer said out of the blue, but softly, into my ear.
The fact that I hadn’t written back was due partly to the fact that my phone was now in pieces, but also because I just didn’t want to. Nate’s call had dropped me right back to Earth.
I felt Spencer’s eyes on me but I couldn’t bring myself to return his gaze. I knew it would set me on fire. From head to toe. And I didn’t want it to. Never again.
“I hate that other guy like the plague,” Kaden said abruptly.
“Me, too,” I agreed with him.
Again, we clinked bottles.
“How many beers have those two had already?” I heard Spencer ask Scott.
“Three, I think.”
“Five,” I corrected him.
“To five!” We toasted again and I chuckled.
“What are we celebrating?” came Allie’s voice from the bathroom.
“You don’t know?” I said drily. The alcohol had washed away all my inhibitions. “Kaden and I are drinking to the anniversary of my divorce. One year ago, today, I sat in a lawyer’s office and signed the papers.”
Silence. Total deafening silence.
“Come on, guys. That’s a reason to celebrate,” I said bitterly and tipped the
bottle back, drinking deeply. Now the beer tasted exactly the way I felt. The heavy silence in the room was too much. I stood up. I stumbled for a moment, but Spencer caught me around the waist and held me tight.
“Men are assholes and happy endings are for morons. Anyone who thinks differently is either an idiot, or never had anyone cheat on them,” I said softly and freed myself from his arms. I went into the kitchen to throw the empty bottle away. Setting it by the sink, I leaned on the counter to keep my balance.
“Dawn?”
I didn’t answer. Instead, I went to the fridge to get another bottle.
“Sweetie, look at me.”
“I’m not in the mood, Spencer.” I took out the beer and opened it, then walked straight past him back into the living room. My friends stared at me like I had something stuck on my face.
“What?” I asked.
Allie looked at me, worried. “You never told us you and Nate were married.”
Oh. Oh, Shit.
To avoid answering, I took another swig of my drink and shrugged with one shoulder. “So what? It’s not a big deal.”
“Of course it’s a big deal!” Allie replied, her voice rising. She approached me and I drew back.
“This is why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to look at me like that,” I snapped at her.
“We’re your friends, Dawn. It’s totally normal that we care,” Monica chimed in.
“Let it go, Monica,” Spencer said behind me. He put a hand on my lower back.
Angrily, I spun around. “Don’t touch me.”
A look of surprise flickered in his eyes. “You don’t need to take your anger out on me, Dawn. I’m not Nate.”
“Not yet, anyway. But it’s only a matter of time.”
His expression stiffened. “You think I could ever do something like that to you?”
I shrugged. “Any guy can be an asshole. Some just need a few years for their true colors to show.”
“You know what I think?” He moved toward me in an almost threatening way.
Defiantly, I lifted my chin and looked up at him.
“I think Nate was always a cheater and you were too blinded by love to see it.”
“That’s not true,” I retorted.
A muscle on his jaw was twitching uncontrollably. “He made you feel you had to be ashamed of your work and he cheated on you even after you were married, Dawn. You can’t put me in the same category with him.”
“Who knows what you’ll be capable of when you’ve had enough of me.”
Spencer’s expression was cold. “I don’t think we should have this conversation here. And certainly not now.”
“I think this is exactly the right time for this conversation. It’s going to happen sooner or later.” I was on a roll and hated myself for it. But I just couldn’t stop.
Spencer groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. Slowly, he shook his head. “Why do you want to make it so hard for me to love you?”
My heart stood still. I could only hope I hadn’t heard him right. My mouth opened but no sound came out. Not even a squeak. All my fears were back. Combined with my anger at Nate and all that alcohol, it was a bad combination. A really bad combination.
I ran to the bathroom and threw up.
Chapter 32
With a dry mouth and pounding temples, I woke up in Allie’s bedroom. Her bed was amazingly soft and comfortable, and Spidey lay next to me on the second pillow. The cat looked at me suspiciously. I raised a hand to pet him but he let out a little growl and jumped from the bed.
I deserved it.
Slowly, I sat up and rubbed my eyes, trying to recall the night before.
Nate’s call.
The pain.
The alcohol.
Numbness.
My fight with Spencer.
My lower lip quivered. Goddamn fucking shit, what an idiot I was. The end of the evening swam around in my mind like a foggy mess.
With my legs hanging over the edge of the bed, I took a few deep breaths before standing up and walking into the living room. Allie and Kaden were sitting on the sofa, watching a movie. When they heard me, they put it on pause.
“Good morning,” I said cautiously.
“Morning.” Kaden looked pretty grim.
“Feeling any better?” asked Allie. She rose and came toward me.
“I think I screwed up.”
“It’s not as bad as you think. It could happen to anyone…” Allie started before Kaden interrupted.
“What you did to Spence yesterday was completely uncalled for, man.” His expression was dark.
I wondered if, since he called me “man,” I still qualified as his beer buddy.
“I don’t actually remember much of what I said,” I admitted, looking down at my fingernails.
“You just ripped out his fucking heart and trampled on it in front of all of us, that’s all.”
I swallowed hard. Allie led me by the arm to the kitchen table. She offered me a chair, and I slumped into it.
“Honey, how long have you and Spencer been seeing each other?” she asked softly.
My cheeks grew hot and I looked down. “A while.”
“My God, Bubbles, you’re blind as a bat,” Kaden said.
“You knew?” she asked, disbelieving.
“He didn’t tell me, if that’s what you mean. But come on. He was so fucking happy.”
Allie made a fist and punched him hard in the bicep.
“Besides, you couldn’t help hearing the two of them in the vacation house,” he added drily, rubbing his arm.
My cheeks were even hotter.
“When did we start keeping things from each other?” Allie asked, turning back to me.
“I’m sorry.” My voice quavered.
“Don’t be sorry, Dawn. I’m just worried that you feel like you can’t talk to me. And I don’t want you to feel that way. I mean, I’m always running to you over every little thing.” Reaching across the table, she grabbed my hand and squeezed.
Maybe it really was time to tell her everything. Without exceptions. Allie was my best friend. I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. But maybe that just meant she cared about me. That she was concerned.
So I told Kaden and Allie everything. And surprisingly, this time, I didn’t cry. Allie, on the other hand, bawled like a baby.
It had been much easier to tell her about my novels. And that should say something.
Kaden cursed the whole time. His anger at me was gone but now he cursed a blue streak under his breath about Nate. I told them everything. No holds barred. Even though I felt more vulnerable than ever, it was good to share my secrets.
“Last night… I just went insane. Nate’s call sent me over the edge. It felt like when I left him. I couldn’t take it,” I concluded.
Allie wiped her arm across her eyes. “I get it. And I am sure that Spencer would get it, too, if you explained what was going on.”
“I’m the worst friend in the world.”
“You have to set things right, Dawn. He’s…” Kaden searched for the right words. “I don’t think he took last night well.”
I had to press the bell twice before he answered the door. His hair was damp and disheveled, and the fragrance of his shower gel tickled my nose. He looked fresh and awake but there were definitely dark rings under his eyes.
Silently, he stepped aside and held the door open. If he was at all curious about the colorfully wrapped package in my arms, he didn’t give it away.
Spencer went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. His expression was dark and resigned, and I realized then and there that the apology I’d prepared was woefully inadequate.
I walked toward him slowly; his gaze seemed so foreign and strange to me, it was hard to know how to a
pproach him. When I touched his arm, he flinched. It felt like a blow to the chest.
“Spencer, I behaved like an idiot. Please forgive me.” My words tasted stale and I could see they hadn’t reached him.
Again I tried to touch his arm, but this time he blocked my hand with his. “Stop, please.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I whispered.
He jutted his chin out and the anger in his eyes caught me totally by surprise. “You can’t possibly mean that seriously.”
My heart rose to my throat. “What?”
A bitter laugh escaped him. “You didn’t want to hurt me… Dawn, you’ve been ripping my heart out for months.”
It felt like a pile of stones was in my stomach.
“Don’t act so surprised,” he said flatly. “Every time you push me away. Every time you let me get close to you and then you shut down again. Every time I’m so happy that I feel like bursting, and then you leave. You hurt me every damn day, Dawn. And I… I can’t do this anymore.”
Something tugged hard inside my chest. The pounding in my head had returned. “Spence, I was drunk. I was angry, and Nate had just…”
“Just because Nate was an asshole to you doesn’t give you the right to treat me the same way.” He shook his head. “For someone who is so afraid of being hurt, you’re pretty damn good at hurting others.”
My cheeks were hot and my eyes were burning. “I’m sorry.”
He nodded and looked down. I realized that no words from me would make up for my behavior.
“I made… a gift for Olivia,” I finally said, and felt like a fool.
Spencer glanced at the package that I’d wrapped. Aside from the scrapbook, I’d put in some chocolate and a gift certificate for Barnes & Noble, because he’d told me how much she liked to read.
Spencer stared at the package before silently taking it from me.
“I want to show you something,” he said abruptly. He crossed the kitchen with long strides, and headed upstairs.
It was impossible to keep up with him; he was already in his room. My heart hurt. The uncertainty about where this conversation was going was going to kill me.