by Jean M. Auel
«Is that why Ura was allowed to live? I'm surprised you were allowed to keep her,» Ayla remarked.
«I didn't want to keep her, but my mate made me. It's my punishment,» Oda confessed.
«Your punishment?»
«Yes,» Oda nodded. «I wished for a girl when my mate wanted a boy. It's just that I loved my first baby so much. When she was killed, I wanted another girl just like her.
My mate says Ura is deformed because I had the wrong thoughts when I was pregnant.
He says if I had wished for a boy, my baby would have been normal. He made me keep her so everyone would know I am not a good woman. But he didn't give me away, maybe because no one else would have me.»
«I don't think you're such a bad woman, Oda,» Ayla gestured with a look of compassion. «Iza wished for a girl when she was carrying Uba. She told me she asked her totem for a girl every day. How did your first daughter die?» «She was killed by a man.» Oda flushed with embarrassment. «A man who looked like you, Aayghha, a man of the Others.»
A man of the Others? Ayla thought. A man who looks like me? She felt a chill crawl up her spine and a tingling at the roots of her hair. She noticed Oda's discomfiture.
«Iza says I was born to the Others, Oda, but I don't remember anything about them. I am Clan now,» she said encouragingly. «How did it happen?» «We were on a hunting trip, two other women and me besides the men. Our clan lives north of here, but that time we went farther north than we ever went before. The men left camp early; we stayed to collect wood and dried grass. There were lots of blowflies and we knew we'd have to keep a fire going to get the meat dried. All of a sudden, these men ran into our camp. They wanted to relieve their needs with us, but they didn't make the signal. If they had made the signal, I would have assumed the position, but they didn't give me a chance. They just grabbed us and threw us down. They were so rough. They didn't even let me put my baby down first. The one who grabbed me tore off my wrap and my cloak. My baby fell, but he didn't notice.
«When he was through,» Oda continued, «another man was going to take me, but one of the other men saw my baby. He picked her up and gave her to me, but she was dead. She hit her head on a rock when she fell. Then the man who found her made many loud words, and they all left. When the hunters came back, we told them, and they took us back to the cave right away. My mate was good to me then; he grieved for my daughter, too. I was so glad when I found out my totem had been defeated again so soon after losing her. I didn't even have the woman's curse once; I thought my totem was sorry I lost my baby and decided to let me have another to make up for her. That's why I thought I might have another girl, but I shouldn't have wished for a girl.» «I'm sorry,» Ayla said. «I don't know what I'd do if I lost Durc; I almost did once.
I'll talk to The Mog-ur about Ura; I'm sure he will talk to Brun, he's fond of my son. I think Brun might agree, too. It would be easier than trying to find a woman of our clan to mate with a deformed man.» «This woman would be grateful to the medicine woman, and I promise to train her well, Aayghha. She will be a good woman, not like her mother.
Brun's clan has the highest status; I think my mate will agree. If he knows there is a place for Ura with Brun's clan, he might not be so angry with me. He's always telling me my daughter will be nothing but a burden and never have any status. And when Ura gets older I can tell her she doesn't have to worry about finding a mate. It can be difficult for a woman if no man wants her,» Oda said.
«I know,» the tall blonde woman replied. «I'll talk to The Mog-ur as soon as I can.»
After Oda left, Ayla was pensive and preoccupied. Uba sensed her need for quiet and didn't disturb her. Poor Oda, she was happy, had a good mate and a normal baby.
Then those men had to come and spoil everything. Why didn't they just make the signal?
Couldn't they see Oda had a baby? Those men of the Others, they're as bad as Broud.
Worse. At least Broud would have let her put her baby down first. Men and their needs!
Clan men, men of the Others, they're all alike.
As she mused, her mind kept going back to thoughts of the Others. Men of the Others, men who look like me, who are the Others? Iza said I was born to them, why don't I remember anything about Others? I can't even remember what they look like.
Where do they live? I wonder, how does a man of the Others look? Ayla remembered the reflection of herself in the still pool near their cave and tried to imagine a man with her face. But when she thought of a man, the image of Broud came to her mind, and with a flash of insight, the confused jumble of ideas spinning around in her head fell into place.
Men of the Others! Of course! Oda said one of them relieved his needs with her and she didn't have the curse even once after that. Then she gave birth to Ura, just like Durc was born after Broud relieved his needs with me. That man was of the Others and I was born to them, but Oda and Broud, they're both Clan. Ura is not deformed any more than Durc is. He's part me and part Clan, and so is Ura. Or rather, she's part Oda and part that man who killed her baby. Then Broud did start Durc-with his organ, not the spirit of his totem.
But the other women with Oda didn't have deformed babies. And as often as men and women do it, if a baby is started every time, there'd be nothing but babies. Maybe Creb is right, too. A woman's totem has to be defeated; but she doesn't swallow the totem's essence, a man puts it inside her with his organ. And then it mixes up with the essence of a woman's totem. It's not just men, it's women, too.
Why did it have to be Broud? I wanted a baby, my Cave Lion knew how much I wanted a baby, but Broud hates me. He hates Durc, too. But who else would have? None of the other men are interested in me, I'm too ugly. Broud only did it because he knew how much I hated it. Did my Cave Lion know Broud's totem would finally win? His essence must be potent; Oga already has two sons. Brac and Grev must have been started by Broud's organ, too, like Durc.
Does that mean they're siblings? Brothers? Like Brun and Creb? Brun must have started Broud inside Ebra, too. Unless it was some other man; it could have been any man. Probably not, though. Men don't usually give the signal to the leader's mate, it's discourteous. And Broud doesn't like to share Oga. On the mammoth hunt, Crug always used Ovra. Everyone could see his need, and Goov was more considerate. Even Droog did once or twice.
If Brun started Broud, and Broud started Durc, does that mean Durc is part of Brun, too? And Brac and Grev? Brun and Creb are siblings; they were born to the same mother and probably started by the same man. He was a leader, too. Does that mean Durc is part of Creb, too? And what about Iza? She's a sibling. Ayla shook her head. It's all too confusing, she thought.
Broud did start Durc, though. I wonder if my totem led Broud to give me the signal that first time? It was awful, but it could have been another test, and maybe there was no other way. My totem must have known, must have planned it. He knew how much I wanted a baby, and he did give me a sign that Durc would live. Wouldn't it infuriate Broud if he knew? He hated me so much, he gave me the one thing I wanted most.
«Ayla,» Uba said, interrupting her train of thought, «I just saw Creb and Brun go into the cave. It's getting late, we should start preparing something to eat, Creb will be hungry.»
Durc had fallen asleep. He woke when Ayla picked him up, but soon settled back down, snuggled in the cloak next to his mother's breast. I'm sure Brun will let Ura come and be Durc's mate, she thought as they walked back to the cave of the host clan. They are more right for each other than Oda realizes. But what about me? Will I ever find a mate that's right for me?
23
When the last two clans arrived, Ayla went through a similar ordeal, on a smaller scale, as the one that greeted her entrance. The tall blonde woman was an oddity among the nearly two hundred and fifty Clan people from ten clans that had gathered together. She was noticed wherever she went, and her every action scrutinized. As abnormal as she appeared, no one could detect any deviation in her behavior. Ayla was extremely careful to make sure no
one would.
She displayed none of the peculiar characteristics that still slipped out in the more relaxed atmosphere of their own cave. She didn't laugh, or even smile. No tears wet her eyes. No long strides or free-swinging arm movements betrayed her unwomanly inclinations. She was a paragon of Clan virtue, an exemplary young matron-and no one noticed. No one, outside her clan, ever knew a woman who acted any other way. But it made her presence acceptable, and, as Uba predicted, they got used to her. There were too many other activities at a meeting of the clans for the novelty of one strange woman to hold their attention for long.
It wasn't easy to maintain such a large aggregation within the close confines of the cave environment for an extended period of time. It took cooperation, coordination, and a large dose of courtesy. The leaders of the ten clans were far busier than they ever were with only their own members to worry about; the numbers of people added together multiplied the problems.
Feeding the horde meant hunting expeditions had to be organized. While established patterns and ranks within any one clan made disposition of the hunters easy, when two or more clans hunted together, problems arose. Clan status determined the leader of the combined group, but which third-ranked man was more competent? They tried different arrangements at first, careful to exchange positions so no one would be offended. After the competitions started, it would become easier, but no hunting party went out without first deciding the relative positions of the men.
The women's plant-gathering forays had their problems, too. Theirs was a case of too many women trying to select the choicest produce. An area could be depleted quickly with no one getting quite enough. Preserved food brought with them supplemented the diet of every clan, but fresh foods were always more desirable. The host clan always foraged far away from their cave before a Gathering, but even that courtesy was inadequate to satisfy the needs of all. Though no long journey limited their time to store food for winter, the clan that hosted the meeting still had to build up an extra reserve. By the time it was over, edible food plants in their vicinity would be exhausted.
There was an adequate supply of water from the glacier-fed stream flowing nearby, but firewood was at a premium. Cooking was done outside the cave, unless it rained, and clans prepared their food as a unit, rather than at separate hearths. Even so, most of the dried fallen deadwood and many living trees, which would take more than a season or two to replenish themselves, were used up. The environment around the cave after the Clan Gathering would never be the same.
Supply was not the only problem, disposal was an issue of equal importance.
Human waste and other refuse had to be accommodated. And space had to be provided.
Not only living space within the shelter of the cave, but space to cook, space to assemble, space for competitions and dancing and feasting, and space to move around. Organizing the activities was no small feat in itself. All of it involved interminable discussion and compromise, within an atmosphere charged with intense competition. Custom and tradition played a large role in smoothing out many of the bumps, but it was in this arena that Brun's administrative mind came to the fore.
Creb was not the only one whose enjoyment of the Clan Gathering was largely because of association with his peers. Brun enjoyed the challenge of pitting himself against men whose authority equaled his own. That was his contest: to vie for domination of the other leaders. Interpretation of ancient ways sometimes required fine hair-splitting, the ability to make a decision and the strength of character to hold to it, yet to know when to yield. Brun was not first leader without reason. He knew when to be forceful, when to be conciliatory, when to call for a consensus, and when to stand alone. Whenever the clans gathered, one strong man usually emerged who could forge the authoritarian leaders into a cohesive, workable entity, at least for the duration of the meeting. Brun was that man. He had been since he first became leader of his own clan.
Had he lost face, his own self-doubt would have lost him his advantage. Without the base of surety in his own judgment, his diffidence would have cast doubt over his decisions. He could not face a Gathering, and the other leaders, under those circumstances. But it was just that background of strength and compromise, within the unyielding framework of Clan tradition, that had allowed him to make the concessions he had toward Ayla. And once the threat to himself was past, he began to view her differently.
Ayla had tried to force a decision, but it was within the structure of Clan custom, as she interpreted it, and it wasn't in a wholly unworthy cause. True, she was a woman and must understand her place, but she had come to her senses and seen the error of her ways in time. When she showed him the location of her small cave, he was privately amazed that she had reached it in her weak condition. He wondered if a man could have done it, and masculinity was measured by stoic endurance. Brun admired courage, determination, endurance; they showed strength of character. In spite of the fact that Ayla was a woman, Brun admired her grit.
«If Zoug were here, we would have won the sling competition,» Crag motioned. «No one could have beaten him.»
«Except Ayla,» Goov commented with guarded gestures. «Too bad she couldn't compete.»
«We don't need a woman to win,» Broud gestured. «The sling contest doesn't count for that much, anyway. Brun will win the bola-throwing, he always has. And there's still the spear-and-running contest.»
«But Voord already won the running competition; he stands a good chance to win in running-and-spear-stabbing, too,» Droog said. «And Gorn did well with the club.» «Just wait until we show them our mammoth hunt. Our clan is bound to win,» Broud answered. Hunt reenactments were a part of many ceremonies; occasionally they happened spontaneously after an especially exciting hunt. Broud enjoyed acting them out.
He knew he was good at evoking the sense of excitement and drama of the hunt and loved being the center of attention.
But hunt reenactments served a purpose greater than showing off. They were instructive. With expressive pantomime, and a few props, they demonstrated hunting techniques and tactics to youngsters and other clans. It was a way of developing and sharing skills. Had they been asked, everyone would have agreed that the prize awarded to the clan that came out best in the complicated competition was status: to be acknowledged first among peers. But there was another prize awarded, though it was not acknowledged. The competitions sharpened skills necessary for survival.
«We'll win if you lead the hunt dance, Broud,» Vorn said. The ten-year-old boy, fast approaching manhood, still idolized the future leader. Broud courted his adoration by admitting him into the men's discussions whenever he could.
«Too bad your race doesn't count, Vorn. I was watching; it wasn't even close. You were way out in front. But it's good practice for next time,» Broud said. Vorn glowed under the praise.
«We've still got a good chance,» Droog motioned. «But it could go the other way.
Gorn is strong, he gave you a good fight in the wrestling match, Broud. I wasn't sure you could take him. Norg's second must be proud of the son of his mate; he's grown since the last Gathering. I think he's the biggest man here.»
«He's got the strength, all right,» Goov said. «It showed when he won with the club, but Broud is quicker, and almost as strong. Gorn came in a close second.» «And Nouz is good with that sling. I think he must have seen Zoug last time and decided to work on it; he just didn't want to let an older man beat him again,» Crag added.
«If he's practiced as much with the bola, he may give Brun a good contest. Voord is a fast runner, but I thought you were going to catch him, Broud. That one was close, too, you were just a step behind him.»
«Droog makes the best tools,» Grod gestured. The laconic man seldom volunteered comment.
«Selecting the best and bringing them here is one thing, Grod, but it will take luck to make them well with everyone watching. That young man from Norg's clan has skill,» Droog replied.
«That's one contest where you'll have the advantage just
because he is younger, Droog. He'll be more nervous and you have more experience in competing. You'll be able to concentrate better,» Goov encouraged.
«But it still takes luck.»
«They all take luck,» Crag said. «I still think old Dorv tells a better story than anyone.»
«You're just used to him, Crag,» Goov motioned. «That's a hard competition to judge. Even some of the women tell a good story.»
«But not as exciting as the hunt dances. I think I saw Norg's clan talking about how they hunted a rhino, but they stopped when they saw me,» Crag said. «They may show that hunt.»
Oga approached the men diffidently and signaled that their evening meal was ready. They waved her off. She hoped it wouldn't take them too long to decide to come and eat. The longer they waited, the longer it would delay them from joining the other women who were gathering to tell stories, and she didn't want to miss any of it. Usually it was the older women who acted out the legends and histories of the Clan with dramatic pantomime. Often the stories were intended to educate the young, but they were all entertaining: sad stories that wrung the heart, happy stories that brought joy and inspiration, and humorous stories that made their own embarrassing moments feel less ridiculous.
Oga went back to the fireplace near the cave. «I don't think they're hungry, yet,» she motioned.
«It looks like they're coming after all,» Ovra said. «I hope they don't linger too long over the meal.»
«Brun's coming, too. The leaders' meeting must be over, but I don't know where Mog-ur is,» Ebra added.
«He went into the cave with the mog-urs earlier. They must be in this clan's place of spirits. No telling when they'll be out. Do we have to wait for him?» Uka asked.
«I'll set something aside for him,» Ayla said. «He always forgets to eat when he's getting ready for ceremonies. He's so used to eating his food cold, sometimes I think he likes it better. I don't think he'll mind if we don't wait for him.» «Look, they're starting already. We're going to miss the first stories,» Ona gestured with disappointment.