by Janice Jones
“Lindsay, I don’t know what to say to you right now. I’m sorry seems so weak in the wake of what you found out today.”
“I wish you would utter the words I’m sorry right now. I just wish you would, Shaun. I’ll come over there, sore shoulder and all, and beat you again. I swear ’fore cheese and biscuits, I will.” I finally sat on the sofa, too drained to fight anymore, no matter what Shaun said next.
Shaun and I sat like that for a long while, each of us brooding in our own thoughts. I was unaware what that slime ball was thinking, but I kept replaying the painful story Keva told over in my head. It was as if the conversation was mentally recorded. I could hear it verbatim in my brain. I was the first to break our silence.
“How could you disrespect me so badly, Shaun? Your other baby’s mama came over, waltzing into my home with your child, telling me all about your funky little love affair. I have never felt so bad or been so embarrassed in the entire twenty years I’ve lived on this earth. How could you hurt me so easily?” I began to cry, and I hated myself for allowing Shaun to see me doing it.
“Lindsay, I know I hurt you, but believe me it wasn’t easy,” was all he said in reply.
“I’ve gone through a lot of crap with you in this relationship, Shaun. I should be in Texas, or Atlanta or Alabama in college, but no, I stayed here with you. I quit school altogether to have a baby that you begged me not to abort. I went into that hospital and delivered our daughter without you because you screwing around with baby mama number two; not because you were putting things together for us so you can one day get out of the business. I can’t believe that you let me do all I do for you and all I get in return is lies and pain.”
I pulled my knees to my chest hugging myself as tightly as I could, figuring I could squeeze away the searing hurt in my heart. My efforts were futile, so I closed my eyes and leaned back against the cushions of the sofa, letting the tears flow freely.
Shaun sat still and quiet in the chair with his head hung low. I had never seen him look so somber. He looked so pitiful I almost felt sorry for him. Almost! What I really felt was the need for answers as to why he would be so deceitful and doggish.
“Just tell me why, Shaun!”
Shaun looked me square in the eye for the first time since I’d busted him. As much as I hated to admit it, my heart softened toward him just a little. I was clueless as to how I could be so weak for this man, and my weakness made me angry. I looked away from him as he began to speak, hoping to recapture some of the animosity I had for him.
“There is no good explanation for what I’ve done to you, Lindsay. I was selfish, greedy and arrogant. I figured I was a big man because I was bringing in big money, taking good care of you. And because I was so good to you, I had the right to have a little extra fun for myself. I thought as long as I didn’t take anything from you, it was all good. I had the right to be a player, therefore an idiot.”
Shaun always spoke intelligently no mater what was going on, but his intellect always seemed more prevalent when we argued. I could be angry, screaming, yelling, and acting a royal fool. Shaun would remain his normal calm, clever self. I think he did this consciously, knowing it would remind me of what I loved about him and hopefully make me neglect why I was annoyed.
“The thing with Keva started so innocently,” he said. I was trying to be a big brother to her initially, then I found myself physically attracted to her. Since I considered myself the man, I convinced myself that I was entitled to a fling. But I never loved her, Lindsay. My heart always remained with you. I told her that in no uncertain terms.”
“How can you say you love me, then disrespect me so badly? You put my life at risk by having unprotected sex with another woman. That’s not love, Shaun. What I feel for you is love. True love. I would never consider sharing my body with anyone else.”
I was crying again. This was the first time since this whole sordid mess began that I thought about the possibility of a sexually transmitted disease. It made me sick to think that Shaun had so little regard for our life. It was one thing to cheat, it was totally another to be careless about it. I sat there wondering if it made sense to continue to think of Shaun as smart. Maybe I was giving him too much credit.
Shaun came and sat on the sofa with me, putting his arms around me. I didn’t want it to, but it felt so good to be wrapped up in him. I wanted him to hug away the pain and misery. I wanted him to tell me this was all a big joke. Nothing I went through today was real. I hugged him back waiting for him to say the words to me. But it was not to be. His next words only gave confirmation to my hurt.
“Plainly stated, Lindsay, I took advantage of your love for me. Baby, it’s not to say that I don’t love you as much as you love me, because I do. It was a simple case of the old cliché of having my cake and eating it too. As far as being careless, that’s another matter. You see, baby, in my arrogance I knew Keva truly cared for me too. I took advantage of her as well. I knew she would never put me at risk by sleeping with anyone else.”
It was killing me to hear that the man I loved with all my heart was such a dog. Not only could he hurt me with such callousness, but he had no qualms about hurting another woman as well. I would have never thought Shaun capable of being so selfish. How could I still be in love with him when he was gifted with the art of such cruelty?
My head was screaming, telling me to put an end to this relationship. My heart was reminding me of how much I loved him, telling me to stay because I didn’t want to live without him. Stay because I didn’t want to raise my daughter without him. Stay because he admitted he was wrong and that he never loved Keva.
But what about Keva’s son? Did he love him? How did he plan to handle that situation?
“What am I supposed to do, Shaun? You’re now a man with three children and three separate baby mamas. Sha’Ron was one thing because he came along before me. But what about Kevaun? He is no less your child than Shauntae or Sha’Ron. What are you going to do about that?”
“Lindsay, I would never turn my back on any child I fathered, but that doesn’t mean I have to be involved with the mother. I am no longer involved with Rhonda, am I?”
“No, but you weren’t cheating on me with Rhonda either. How can I be sure this thing with you and Keva is over for good when you continue to see her?”
“It has been over with Keva ever since you came home with Shauntae. I let go of that little fling after I laid eyes on the beautiful daughter you gave me. I knew then there was no way I could go on deceiving you after everything I’d put you through already. I love you, Lindsay. I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you if you just give me the chance. Give us the chance.”
Shaun’s affair with Keva was much more than a little fling and we both knew it. What he had with Keva was now an eighteen-year commitment whether he saw it that way or not. I wanted to believe he was truly sorry, that he loved me enough to never do this again. But it was harder than I thought it would be. Everything he had said so far has coincided with everything Keva said today, so I knew he was telling the truth about the affair being over, at least for now.
How was I going to deal with his new child? Every time I saw Kevaun I would be reminded of his betrayal. Or would Keva be like Rhonda, not letting her son anywhere near me?
There were a million and one questions running through my mind. I was getting dizzy thinking about everything. The next words out of Shaun’s mouth brought the whole thing into focus instantly.
“Marry me, Lindsay.”
Chapter Sixteen
February 2002
“Would you please hurry up, Shyanne? I still have a million things to do before I go home and get ready for my anniversary celebration tonight.”
“Stop moaning, Nay. You’ve been married for five years. You have been with the man for more than nine years. Anniversaries should be no big deal by now, at least not until the tenth. Now what I’m doing is important. I’m buying shoes and that will always be significant, twenty-four
hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, and so on. Isn’t that right, Shauntae?”
“Don’t you dare try to corrupt my baby, turning her into a shopaholic like you. Shauntae, put on your coat.”
I started preparing my daughter to leave Saks Fifth Avenue in Fairlane Mall, where we had spent the better part of ninety minutes in the shoe department. We had been sitting in this store so long, my daughter took her coat off and started playing dress up in the shoes from the clearance racks. I began helping Shauntae back into her coat, hoping it would give Shyanne the hint that we were ready to leave. I still had a million things I needed to do, including dropping Shauntae at Mama’s and getting my hair done for tonight.
Shaun and I were married two weeks after he popped the question. We left Shauntae with my mother and eloped to Las Vegas. I was married for two months before I told anyone other than Shyanne. She went with us to Vegas and served as my maid of honor. I was afraid and embarrassed to tell my mother or grandmother I married Shaun because of the incident with Keva and the baby.
I initially turned down Shaun’s proposal. I took my baby and left that evening, going to stay with my mother for three days. When I went to my mother’s, I was of the mindset that I would never go back to Shaun because I was sure I could never trust him again. So I saw no harm in telling her everything that had transpired with Keva and her child. Mama was ecstatic that I had finally come to my senses and left Rock-head.
I never knew it was humanly possible to hurt or miss someone as much as I did while we were apart. Shaun felt it too. He called my cell phone, and when I wouldn’t answer it, he would call my mother’s house every hour on the hour. He even dared to come by the house on the second day, which was a definite no-no in my mother’s book.
On the third day, I gave in to his pleas, flowers, promises, and my own broken heart, and I returned home. Mama was upset, but she said I was a grown woman who had to learn to sleep hard in the bed I made.
Mama’s warning has been unwarranted however. For the last five years, the bed I have slept in has been as soft as ostrich feathers. My life as Shaun’s wife has been everything but troublesome.
One month after we got married, we moved out of the townhouse and into a beautiful four-bedroom home in Southfield, a suburb near Detroit. I drive a new BMW and at the beginning of each year, I trade in the old one for the newest year. Shaun buys himself a new Corvette each year as well. We also own a Cadillac Escalade and a Chrysler Town and Country mini van.
In addition to the house and the cars, we have two legitimate business ventures—a party store and a mobile car wash. Everything we own is in my name. This way, if Shaun ever runs into any legal problems, our possessions will be protected.
Shaun is still in the drug business with his uncle, but now as an equal partner. For the most part, all my man does is dictate and delegate. While I can’t wait until he gives up this business for good, I’m still proud of his progress.
I still love God, though my actions may state otherwise. I still attend church regularly and Bible Study occasionally. I am also raising my daughter to be a believer. Shauntae, at five years old, can pray as well as teenagers far more advanced in age.
I believe that my marriage being a success is a result of God’s blessing the fact that I am no longer living in sin, but I know He is still not pleased that I am married to a drug dealer who has very little interest in developing a better spiritual relationship. Shaun never attends church with us, but he never hinders my and Shauntae’s spiritual growth.
Shyanne is employed as vice-president of Westbrook Enterprises, the company that manages the store and the car wash. She graduated with a Business Management degree from Oakland University. Shyanne is compensated very well for her services. She runs the day-to-day operations for both businesses. I am listed on paper as the company President and CEO.
My actual job, though, is to take care of my husband and daughter. I also paid K.J.’s college tuition. He graduates in May from Wayne State University, also with a Business Management degree. Kevin is also an employee of Westbrook Enterprises. He’s the manager of the party store.
Mama hates that K.J. is involved with Shaun’s mess in any way. However, she looks at the tuition payment as a community scholarship—Shaun giving back to the community that he is destroying. She doesn’t hassle us, but she cautions me about my lifestyle.
And like I said, my lifestyle has been ostrich feathers all the way. I honestly don’t have a clue what the day-to-day operations are of either of the businesses that I “own.” I trust my husband and business partners, and that is all there is to that. Shaun pays the mortgage, the car notes, and car insurance and handles all the business areas of our lives. I handle the grocery shopping, the clothes shopping, furniture shopping, etcetera, etcetera ... I love my lifestyle.
Patricia and Shaun’s sisters are well taken care of as well. Shaun has offered to get his mother a bigger house, but she prefers to stay in the hood and live ghetto fabulous.
The only sore spot in our marriage are the relationships Shaun has with the mothers of his other children. We’ve got baby mama drama up to our elbows. Make that our earlobes, considering I had to kick Keva’s tail a couple of weeks ago.
Keva has been salty for the entire five years that Shaun and I have been married. When she came to my house and told me about their affair and the baby, she assumed that I would leave Shaun and he would come running to be with her. So you can only imagine how angry she was when she found out that we were husband and wife. The first three months after we got married, Keva refused to let Shaun see his son. That was devastating for my husband.
Then out of the clear blue sky Keva called to say she needed money for Kevaun’s first birthday. Shaun was so happy for the opportunity to see his son. He agreed to give her the money as long as she followed one condition; she was to formally invite me to the party. She reluctantly agreed. Needless to say it was an awkward adventure, and that is stating it mildly.
The party started with us getting directions to the wrong place. Our invitation indicated that the party was going to be at the Chuck E. Cheese in Dearborn. However, when we arrived, we were informed there was no party scheduled for a Kevaun Taylor. Shaun called Keva and when he couldn’t reach her, he called Patricia on her cell, who told him that the party was at the location in Dearborn Heights, a forty-five minute drive from where we were.
By the time we got to the party, the birthday cake was already cut, and they were opening the last of the presents. We were already furious about intentionally being given the wrong location, but Keva put the icing on the cake when that heifer opened our present for Kevaun.
Shaun purchased a $250 gift certificate to Toys R Us and another $250 certificate to Kids R Us. When Keva opened the envelopes, that dirty low-down cow announced in front of the entire group of guests, “This is so typical of you, Shaun. You are always throwing your money around. You have time to do everything else you want to do, but you can’t find time to shop for a proper present for your son’s first birthday. I bet Shauntae doesn’t get a gift certificate for her first birthday.”
Shaun was livid, but he maintained an outward calm. He didn’t want to make a scene in front of all the children in attendance. I, on the other hand, was not so level headed. I practically shoved Shauntae into Shaun’s arms and went after Keva with the intention of pounding her head into the size of a pepperoni slice.
Shaun handed our daughter to Francine and caught me just as I was about to stomp a mud hole in Keva. It took everything in me not to break from his hold, but his soothing words worked their magic and I dismissed Keva.
Francine didn’t get off as easily. As I snatched my baby from her on our way out the door, I “accidentally” stomped on her foot ... really hard. “I’m sorry, Frannie. Please excuse me and my big foot,” I said with as much sincerity as I could muster. I still had not forgiven her for the part she played in Shaun’s affair with Keva.
Keva’s next stunt was takin
g Shaun to court to obtain a formal child support order. Shaun already gave the witch a weekly allowance, which was large enough to support her and Kevaun. She simply wanted to make trouble. So off to court we went.
“Your honor, I am a struggling single mother. Yet Kevaun’s father and his wife live lavishly in a big suburban house, they drive fancy cars, and they take expensive vacations. Shaun is a well know drug-dealer in this city and it is his illicit income that allows him to live so luxuriously,” Keva said.
I was shocked speechless and scared stiff, which was a good thing. There was no telling what I might have said or done otherwise. I had no idea Keva was going to play so dirty, and even less of an idea how the judge would react to her last statement. I immediately started praying.
Shaun, as usual, was cool. When it was his turn to address the court he said, “Your honor, Ms. Simpson is a petty young lady and a woman scorned. Her allegations have absolutely no merit. I have financial statements that accurately document every dime earned by my wife and me. I also have receipts of all I have paid to the plaintiff for the support of Kevaun. I think that you will find the amounts to be more than sufficient in accordance with our income. However, your honor, what I don’t have is proof that I fathered the plaintiff’s son. As you can see in her complaint, she and I were never married nor was there ever a DNA test performed. Therefore, no actual proof of paternity has been established. I would like to go on record at this time petitioning the court for a DNA test before any other monies are paid to Ms. Simpson.”
I sat there bug-eyed and speechless for the second time during these proceedings. I never knew that Shaun doubted Kevaun’s paternity. However, after the day’s proceedings were over, everything ended up settled, and we never set foot in the courtroom again.
Once the judge set a date for the paternity hearing we left the courtroom. In the hallway Shaun confronted Keva, giving her an ultimatum. “Keva, not for one second do I doubt that Kevaun is mine, but if you want to play hardball, then I’ll play with you. You know you are only bringing this child support suit against me to be spiteful. The money I give you each week is more than enough to support both you and my son. If you would rather do it through the courts, that’s fine too. But trust me, by the time my lawyers get through doctoring up my books and receipts, any amount awarded by the judge will be substantially less than what you get now. So I am asking you right here, right now, one answer only. What do you want to do?” Shaun stood six inches from Keva’s face waiting for an answer. He was so close I thought he was going to kiss her, but he wasn’t that crazy.