Love and Lies

by Duffey, Jennifer

  “For?”

  “Everything. Putting up with me, going to New York, giving me time and space when I asked for it. It means more than you realize.”

  “Carissa, one of these days you will understand what I mean when I say I’ll do anything for you. The past is the past. While it won't be forgotten, I'm going to do everything I can to keep you focused on the here and now.”

  We sat at the little card table, and Eric leaned across it to kiss me. This would work. With him and Alec at my side, I'd make it through.

  “We should call Alec and let him know, so he and Sean can make arrangements.”

  Eric passed me my phone, and I called Alec. The squeal on the other end when I told him my plans was answer enough. San Francisco was fun, but this trip would be one I'd never forget. If only I'd known it'd be memorable for the wrong reasons.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  When the plane began its descent into La Guardia airport, every muscle in my body tightened. Since moving to New Orleans, I'd only spoken to my parents through phone or email, email being preferred. With a concentrated effort, I'd managed to avoid traveling home to see them, and it was the only time since I was a little girl that I remembered being happy and free. Even Eric hadn't confined me. For what it was worth, he did a good job at being a bodyguard without letting on to what he was doing. Not that he’d stuck with the assignment for too long. Coming back to the city brought back the feeling of being watched and tied down.

  By the time we landed, my chest hurt and breathing was difficult. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to get more than a quick puff of air into my lungs. It wasn't enough; I felt like I was suffocating.

  “Carissa, what's wrong?” Alec grabbed my shoulders and forced me to turn in his direction. We sat in the taxi, inching closer to the hotel entrance. “Carissa, look at me.” He pulled a piece of paper from his bag and fanned me with it. “Eric, get back here now and help her out, or she's going to pass out in the car.”

  Eric spun around in his seat. “Shit, what the hell is going on?”

  “I'm going to go with an anxiety attack. So either turn around and shut up or help me get her calmed down,” Alec told him.

  The more trouble I had catching my breath, the more panicked I became. My hands shook, and my head started to hurt. I tried to say something to Alec, but the words wouldn't come out. When I looked at him, white spots blurred my vision. There was a ringing in my ears.

  “Ah hell, she's not gonna make it inside,” I vaguely heard Alec say.

  Eric jerked the door open, nearly taking it off the car. I tried to tell him to calm down, but couldn't get it out between breaths. He reached inside to hold me up while Alec climbed out of the car. When the doorman asked if they needed help, I heard Eric and Alec simultaneously say, “No.”

  Sean told the guys he would check us in while Eric and Alec helped me to a chair in the entry. Alec squatted in front of me. “Carissa, stay with me, baby girl. We're gonna get you in the room so you can lie down.”

  “Okay...that...” My voice trailed off and the room went black. Seconds later, the hotel came back into view. Eric and Alec hovered over me. I heard them whispering my name over and over but couldn't remember what happened. “What happened?” I rubbed my temples.

  “You left us for a second. Come on, Sean's got our room keys. Let's get you upstairs.” Alec helped me stand, and Eric wrapped his arm around my waist to steady me. He kept a tight hold on me in the elevator so I wouldn't stumble. Once in the room, Eric picked me up and laid me on the bed.

  “When were you going to tell me about the panic attacks?” Alec balled his shaking hands into fists. His voice was sharp.

  “Um, as soon as I felt better I guess. Honestly, I've never had one before. Then again, this is the first time I've been home.” I closed my eyes hoping to go to sleep.

  “Okay, I believe you. But next time, you have to promise me you'll warn us.”

  “Fine. Now let me rest.” I pushed Alec away before rolling to my side.

  * * * *

  The hotel in New York had one room available when Eric had made reservations. All three guys crashed in the sitting area. I awoke, hearing their muffled voices talking about me.

  “How's she doing?” Eric's voice was cautious.

  “Asleep. She's never done that in all the years I've known her. I wish I knew what brought it on.”

  “If I were to guess, I'd say New York did it. Actually, it was probably those shit head parents of hers.” I heard the voices on the TV quickly change. Eric must have been flipping channels.

  “Oh, you're a fine one to talk. Weren't you getting paid by them? By the way, you might not want to talk about them like that around her. She may not like them, but she gets a little protective if someone else talks badly about them. Don't ask why. I don't get it.”

  “Yes, I did—notice the past tense—work for them. We're working through that, you know. As for talking about her parents, I'd never say anything bad about them when she's around, but you and I both know they aren't exactly top bids for parents of the year.”

  I drifted off again shortly after.

  The next time I woke up. I was drenched in sweat. I tried to roll over, but there was something in the way. I reached behind me, and my hand hit a soft barrier.

  “You're awake. Good.” Eric tucked his arm under me pulling me to him.

  I pushed against him with my hips. His hand tightened around my stomach, but I wanted to get up. I needed to stretch and get out of the hotel. Get some fresh air. My legs stuck to the bed from sweat. I peeled the sheets back and put my feet on the floor.

  “Where are you going?” Eric asked.

  “To shower. I'm sweaty, and I stink.” I looked around the room. “Where's my suitcase?”

  Eric stayed in bed with his arm over his eyes. “It's in the other room.”

  Alec looked over the couch when I opened the bedroom door. “It's about time you woke up. I thought you'd sleep the day away.”

  “Shut it. I've only been asleep for a couple of hours. Where's my bag? I wanna shower.”

  “That's probably a good idea. You reek.” He pinched his nose.

  I marched around the couch and stood in front of Alec. Before he could react, I fell into his lap and shoved my dirty hair into his face. “Does my hair smell bad too?”

  “Dear Lord, yes. Please go take a shower.” He raised me off his lap and carefully placed me on the floor.

  “Asshole,” I mumbled and grabbed clothes from the couch. I wasn't sure who they belonged to and didn't care. I shuffled into the bathroom.

  An hour later, everyone was ready to go out. Since Sean hadn't been to New York before, we decided he needed to see the city.

  After spending some time walking through Central Park, people watching, and eating lunch, I wanted to shop. It'd been two years too long since I'd been in the city, and I desperately needed some new clothes from SoHo. Alec, usually up for shopping, groaned.

  “What? You have to go with me. I need your opinion. Please,” I pleaded with him.

  Alec turned to his boy and whispered something in his ear. They giggled like little girls before he pulled me off to the side. “Honey, you know I usually wouldn't miss shopping with you for anything in the world. But I'd really like to spend some time alone with Sean.” Alec batted his lashes.

  “So bring him with us. I don't care. Another opinion is always helpful.”

  “Believe it or not, he despises shopping. I nearly cried when he told me, but have you seen his body? It would be worth it to buy him clothes if it meant I got to cuddle up next to that every night.”

  “Well he does have nice eyes.” I looked at Sean leaning against the front of the restaurant we'd eaten lunch at.

  “That's all? Nice eyes? Oh come on, you can do better than that.”

  “Nope, that's all I got. You two take Eric with you. He hates shopping more than anyone. I'll go shopping by myself.” I pulled my purse on to my shoulder.

 
; I turned to grab a cab for SoHo. I knew the area like the back of my hand. The lights and sounds brought back memories of playing in Central Park as a kid, watching the ball drop on New Years. All of it was right there in front of me.

  Suddenly, a man across the street walked into my line of sight. He was dressed in all black. That's when it happened, my chest tightened, blackness once again covered my vision. I tried to shout for Alec, but the words wouldn't come. Son of a biscuit if I wasn’t having another panic attack. I was going to have to get a handle of myself, or either Alec or Eric would cut the rest of our trip short.

  Somewhere in the distance I heard their voices. They were muffled, but their urgency rang through my ears. Someone help me, I can't breathe.

  Not quite coherent, I felt rather than heard, pounding footsteps coming my way, then Alec's voice. “Eric, pick her up. Don't let her fall,” Alec barked orders. “Sean, walk in front of us and keep people out of the way.” He brushed a piece of hair out of my face. “Carissa, can you hear me? I'm going to get you back to the hotel. Stay with me, baby girl.”

  Despite my protests, weak as they may have been, the three guys shuffled me into the back of a cab and gave the hotel address to the driver. Once the cabbie pulled in front of the hotel, I shoved Eric out the door and slid out myself. No way would I let a stupid panic attack send me back to the confines of a room. Ignoring Alec’s protests and Eric’s pleas, I headed toward SoHo once again. I’d walk if I had to. Screw getting a cab.

  Eric wasn’t having that, and rather than argue with me, he jogged to my side, wrapped his arm around my waist, and lifted me over his shoulder.

  “Put me down!” I yelled and pounded on his back.

  “Not happening. We’re going to the room to talk about these black outs. Now don’t argue.”

  I ground my teeth and bit his butt since it was right in my face. Eric smacked my right cheek.

  “That stung, you jerk,” I snapped.

  “Too bad. Now quit acting like a baby.”

  “Me!” I screeched. “You’re the one carrying me to our room.”

  He laughed, but didn’t put me down until we were upstairs and next to the hotel bed. Eric tossed me on the bed, and I landed with a bounce.

  “Since you won’t let me go shopping, I might as well call my parents.” I didn’t want to talk about the black outs. Wasn’t ready to bring all that up, especially with Sean in the room. I used my elbows to push myself up.

  Eric relaxed against the pillows at the head of the bed. “Oh, no you don't. I'll call them and let them know we're town. You can call them later and make the rest of the arrangements.”

  “No, I'll do it. I'm fine. I wish you guys would quit treating me like a child.” My head throbbed, but I ignored the pain. I couldn't lie in bed all day.

  “You had another panic attack. Carissa, what's going on? I'll ask again, why didn't you tell me you had problems with panic attacks?” This question came from Alec.

  I smiled. “I wanted to add some excitement to your life.”

  “Bullshit. Don't start with me. This is twice since we got into town.”

  “I've never had one before this morning. I swear.”

  “So what happened?” Eric asked.

  “Umm, I don't really remember. I was going to go shopping and started remembering things from growing up, when I saw a guy dressed in all black standing across the road. That's when everything started to fade.” I watched the guys in anticipation, unsure of how they'd react.

  They both shook their heads, but said nothing in response. Sean moved to the sitting area and turned on the TV, giving me a sense of privacy.

  “Okay, well while you two try and solve the mystery, I'm going to go out and do some shopping.” I stood next to the bed. The room spun a little, so I waited before taking another step. “Eric, don't worry about calling my parents. I'll take care of it.”

  “I’m going with you.” Eric came to stand in front of me, his hands fisted at his hips.

  “Why? I’m a big girl, pretty sure I can handle a shopping trip.”

  “No, I’m not sure you can. So either I go or he goes.” Eric pointed over my shoulder at Alec.

  It would be wrong for me to ask Alec to go; he already said he wanted to spend some time with Sean. If Eric wasn’t going to let me go by myself, then he had to suffer through the process.

  “Come on then. I don’t want to waste the day arguing.”

  I grabbed my purse and went out with Eric by my side. I still wanted some new clothes, and I wasn't going to let my past take over this trip. Shopping eased my mind, and I hoped it would erase the horrible start to my return to New York.

  After some time going from store to store, I happily walked out of Designer Expo NYC with both hands full of bags. I couldn't decide whether to stop in Beau Brummel for Alec, or Betsy Johnson for me. Alec would love me for getting him something. “Okay Alec, you're gonna owe me for spending shopping time on you,” I said out loud to no one in particular. Eric shook his head.

  As the bells on the door chimed, I felt something inside my purse buzz. After shifting bags from one hand to the other, I reached in and followed the buzzing to my phone.

  The screen lit up with a text message notification from Alec. I flipped it open with one hand and nearly dropped the phone.

  The text from Alec read Umm, they’re here.

  The clerk looked at me in disgust as I dropped everything on the floor. Eric walked in behind me, bumping into my back when I froze. “Fuck.”

  In a rush, I gathered up the bags.

  “What’s going on?” Eric asked.

  I pushed him out of the way, and dialed Alec's number, ignoring Eric’s question. He would follow, and I’d fill him in once we had a cab and were on the way back to the hotel.

  Before Alec said “hello” the questions gushed out. “What do they know? Who told them?” I heard laughter in the background. “Who the hell is there with you?”

  Alec cut me off. “Slow down, speed racer. Sean’s with me. Well, not technically, I stepped out of the room to call you. I called your parents right after you left, but I didn't talk to them. They didn't answer, so I hung up. I don't know how they figured out where we were staying or why they came over here. Now, where are you? I don't want you going off the handle and doing something irrational.”

  “Irrational?” I squealed.

  Eric guided me with his hand on my lower back to a free spot on the curb.

  “Why do you think I'd do something irrational? Besides, what do you consider irrational? Cutting you out of my life, is that irrational? Why did you call them? Did you not hear me tell Eric I would call? Jesus.” I signaled to a cab. When it pulled up next to the curb I tossed my bags in and climbed in and Eric gave the driver directions. “Bye, Alec.”

  I took a deep breath, hoping to calm down.

  “So Alec called your parents?” Eric asked.

  “Yeah, but he said they didn’t answer. Who knows how they found out where we’re staying.”

  At the hotel, the bellhop helped us with the bags, following Eric and me to the room. He placed the bags on the couch, and I tipped him before shutting the door quickly. Footsteps shuffled out of the bedroom, and I braced myself against the door before turning to see who was there.

  Someone cleared their throat, an encouragement for me to turn around. I balled my hands into fists, slowly turning around, hoping it wasn't my supposed best friend standing behind me. The shaggy hair brown was first to catch my glare, then his dark brown eyes. I leapt for Alec with my hands outstretched to wrap around his neck and squeeze.

  Eric caught me mid-air and held me out at arm's length. I sputtered obscenities at Alec, my arms and legs flailing trying to make contact with any body part I could get to. At that point I wanted to inflict pain. I didn't really care how or where. Finally, my foot made contact with something, but it wasn't Alec I made contact with. It was Eric, and it was the one place I'd never intentionally plan to kick a guy. He doubled over in
pain, dropping me to the floor. I fell beside him, the wind knocked out of me.

  “Oh, my God. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. Eric, look at me please. I'm sorry.”

  Eric shook his head and whined.

  I turned to Alec. “Can't you help him? Get him a bag of ice or something.”

  Alec motioned to Sean then turned his gaze on me. “So is there a reason you decided to try and attack me?”

  “Why the hell did you call my parents? What were you thinking?” I let out a long sigh. “Seriously, what were you thinking?”

  I flopped down onto the couch and threw my head back, pushing the bags out of the way so I didn't sit on them. My head landed with a loud thump.

  “I was only trying to help out,” Alec said.

  Alec and Sean supported Eric as he limped to the oversized chair opposite the couch, where he stretched out. Eric sat there a few minutes before making a sound. When he did, it was a quiet whimper.

  “Where are they anyway?” I looked around the room, coming to the realization that they weren't there. I probably should have paid closer attention to that when I'd initially come back.

  Sean and Alec traded guarded glances with each other.

  I tapped my foot on the floor. “I'm waiting.”

  “Seriously, baby girl, I don’t know where they are. Sean and I excused ourselves to the bedroom to formulate a plan, and when we returned, your parents were gone. No note, nothing. I’m not even sure they remembered me when I introduced myself.”

  “Please. They may act ignorant, but they know you. Since you and I met, you’ve been the only friend I did anything with.”

  Alec shrugged.

  “Maybe so. Didn’t seem that way to me.” Sean voiced his agreement.

  “I'm sorry for kicking you.” I didn't know what else to say to Eric. The adrenaline rush left me without much energy to fight. “I'm gonna go put my clothes up.” With my bags in hand, I went back to the bedroom.

  Putting away my clothes gave me some time to gather myself back up. With the blackouts, and then Alec, it was a pretty good guarantee that I looked a mess. After twenty minutes or so, I heard Eric yelling back at me.